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I am beyond disappointed in myself. I feel so stupid and embarrassed. I just absolutely hate myself right now and I hate that I’m putting the person I care most about and the person that I love through this...what’s wrong with me? New Year’s Eve my boyfriend wanted to have some friends over at his place for drinks including a girl who he had a thing with before we were together, but they are still friends. I don't like this girl, because of the simple fact that they were together and they still have a good friendship. So naturally I did not want to go. One I was nervous meeting his friends for the first time, my social anxiety right now is just not good since being quarantined. Two, I knew I needed to control my emotions and jealousy over this girl because she was going to be there, you know like I just didn’t know what to expect, is this beautiful amazing girl that’s so much better than me gong to walk in through the door? So whatever it was going to happen eventually and I just needed to man up and face it. As I was driving to his place I was trying to stay calm, control my nerves, my feelings, my emotions, I wanted to have a good time and make a good impression as his girlfriend. So I get there, and me being sensitive, well my bf didn’t greet me with a hug and kiss like he usually does he was just on the couch doing his thing. I know stupid, not a big deal but I over think and I just felt like maybe I shouldn't and wasn’t welcome there tonight. whatever again I’m trying to be positive so him and I take some shots before his friends arrive. As we are his friend calls him and tells him the girl needs a ride to his place and that my bf has to figure it out. So automatically I’m just thinking to myself why does my bf have to be the one to figure it out, why does he have to be the one so concerned about whether she gets here or not. I just took deep breaths in and tried to control myself. Shortly after a few of his friends started coming in, things were going good we were playing flip cup. Then I black out. I remember bits and pieces of the night. I remember arriving to this other guys place, I remember meeting some girl with gorgeous hair, I remember arguing with my bf, and I remember crying to the girl who my bf had a thing with about her, about how every time he mentions her name I just feel a certain way and it makes me upset but it has nothing to do with her and its so dumb and shitty that I'm telling HER all this. Obviously she was super kind and tried to just calm me down and like many girls would just tried to console me. The next day was a mess, I woke up to my bf hugging me and then backing away. And then he told me everything that happened. I slapped his gay friends ass and he got upset because wtf, and then when him and I were arguing about that I told him I could do way better then him. This guy has been absolutely amazing, he’s kind, caring, understanding, patient, he’s completely different than any guy I've ever met or have ever been with. But for some reason I keep fucking things up with him. We tried to fix things which involved him being done with me and me leaving but then coming back and owning up to my fuck ups. We spent the long weekend together. It wasn’t easy. He’d be upset and I could tell, he’d pour his emotions and hurt out, and I felt terrible about everything. I had no reason for what happened. I had no way of making things better. I just took it all. When I came back home Monday, being away from him the guilt and pain of knowing I just hurt someone I care so much about just hit me, and it hit him too. He texted me Monday night upset. I knew it was going to happen I knew once we were away from each other and had time to think to ourselves he would change his mind and be done with me. So I've been an emotional wreck to say the least, I cant sleep, I cant eat, I feel terrible, I felt like my relationship was just tumbling down. I just want to disappear sometimes and just forget everything, who I am, what I've caused. It sucks. I ended up apologizing to his friend, it was hard and embarrassing. It’s not the first time I've done stupid shit when I'm drunk but this time wtf. I talked to my counselor and she told me I'm feeling guilt and bad for what I unintentionally did, I made a plan with her on, one controlling my drinking. I need to know and remember my limit when I do drink, so that I can be in control of my actions. We’re also going to work on taking control over my emotions. But right now I just feel like life is dragging me right now. I don’t want to leave my bed, I can't focus on anything else but hate myself for everything. I'm starting to get busy with work and I just can’t, its all just piling up. I have no motivation. What makes things worse is that my bf still cares and loves me and he doesn't want to give up. Like fuck why am I putting him through this, why doesn't he just tell me to fuck off. Of course I want to be with him, of course I want to fix things, but I feel like I don't deserve that, I'm trying to listen, to listen to his hurt and it just makes me shit on myself even more. I want to be there for him I want to fix things I want to make things better but I just don't know how. 

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11.16.20

So I’ve been talking to this guys for 3 months now. Things with him have been odd, we’ve had our ups and downs in such a small amount of time which worries me. But there were other factors that may or may not have been a part of that. Anyway we decided to try and communicate better and not get overly upset or over react when something happenes. Which is good because I know many of those instances have been trivial issues that didn’t need to be issues had we handled them differently. Especially for myself I decided I wanted to control my emotions and reactions better and more maturely. Yes it’s challenging but regardless I know this is going to be good for me, to learn and be able to get through in the long run. Anyway this guy, while we decided to take things slow and not jump into anything right away, we have both expressed what we mean to each other and that we do care about each other and what we eventually would want to happen. Okay this isn’t about that, the point here is I’m upset. He posted a memory on Snapchat and it’s just a memory of him going to a concert but in one of those snaps he kisses a girl and yea it’s kinda dark so u can’t really see it but it’s quite clear what it is. While this memory was from 2 years ago it still upset me and ugh in my opinion I feel that it was just unnecessary to post when your talking to someone else, like really. Whatever I controlled myself didn’t say anything right away wanted to first let my emotions chill and think before I act. And man is it fucking hard. My emotions were just crazy. But I’m trying. So after I saw that yea I was upset so I ended up texting him goodnight pretty fuckin early but whatever. I debated so much on what to do should I say something, should I just stay quite, should I wait to see if he asked. It’s just upsetting because things were going so good we’ve been trying and here I am having to deal with my emotions. And like I mentioned I just felt it was unnecessary when ur talking to someone else and when literally 2 days ago he tagged me on his snap in a post that said something about “when ur with the person u care about the most”...but then u post that like fuck me? Who the fuck even am i? How stupid do I look? Anyway I finally decided to say at least something cuz I couldnt just let it be. So I commented on it and said “cute”. He said “it’s not that big of a deal, it was from 2 years ago I didn’t see the whole thing when I posted it and you can’t even see anything.” I know it’s not a big deal but still it’s shitty. How would you feel if I posted a memory with an ex or with a guy and I was all over him...and come on your really gonna tell me you didn’t see everything that u were posting on your story? Okay. Anyway I didn’t respond not gonna blow up about it. I pointed it out and I will respond in a calmly and mature way but it fucking sucks.

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10.13.20

Well a lot has happened this year, still got a few more months so can’t wait to see how the year ends. I was dating a guy for 1.5 years, the first guy I really “loved”. We broke things off beginning of September so it’s been about a month and a half since our break up. It was easy at first but recently He crosses my mind a lot more. Why? Sometimes I do think about the good times and how much I miss that. Other times I think about all the issues we had and how dumb and naive I was. Anyways let me keep it short we were on and off towards the end. I ended up meeting another guy while we had “broken up” one weekend, of course my ex and I got back together however this guy I met caught my attention. After hanging out with this guy once and continuing to text each other, that really pushed me to finally break things off with my ex. Why? I knew my relationship wasn’t going well and we were bound to break up for good. I’m glad because now I look back and can see how shitty things were. So I continued to talk to this guy I met however, things have gotten very confusing very quickly. At first it was great, I just wanted to fuck around and have someone there...a rebound pretty much. Well I think within the past month and a half we both have developed feelings (him a lot quicker than me). But I ended up realizing there was a connection there. I’m struggling tho and it’s hurting him. Obviously it’s too soon to say I’m crazy about this guy but we have a good time together, he’s super nice and kind to me, there’s a connection there when we’re intimate. Like I said at first I didn’t care for this so I did things and acted a certain way because I didn’t care. After realizing I liked this guy I’ve been trying to open up to him and genuinely be a better person. However, I’m still fucking it up and hurting him. Like I said, recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex and it’s made me realize that, that relationship still hurts me. Recently I ended up getting very drunk and I blacked out but I pretty much ended up crying to him about my ex...yikes. I know why and its cuz I recently found out that my ex was doing a lot of shady shit when we were together. I know it shouldn’t matter anymore but I can’t help but feel stupid, hurt, and feel like shit. What do I do? I know I shoulda given myself time to “heal” before jumping into something else but it’s a little too late for that. I don’t want to stop talking to this guy, but I also want him to see the good “partner” that I could be and once was. I guess I’ll have to just wait and see where things go.

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7.4.20

Break ups are never easy, no matter what the situation was. I feel so lonely right now, so much is going on in life and I feel stuck and hopeless. Life sucks. My bf and I just broke up. Its good that we did, I know it but its still hard. 

It was his birthday weekend. I had constantly asked what his plans were that weekend so I could plan something special for him. He had plans with his friends and family and things were still up in the air. So all he said was Friday we’d be going out to bars at night. Ok, well that was my last day at work and I didn't get off till 6pm. My friends had planned to meet up for dinner that day to also celebrate a friends birthday but as I worked I wasn't able to make it. I made my way to the city right after work getting to my bf’s place at 7:30pm. As I was arriving a huge storm hit, so I got soaked walking into his apartment. I enter and the place is filled with friends drinking, didn't expect that. I go into my bf’s room slightly surprised and he asks if I’m ready that we would be leaving in about an hour. clearly soaked and having just gotten off work I respond with a no stating I wasn't aware that they were pregaming and we’d be heading out so early. He left the room as I rushed to get ready and redo my hair that had gotten messed up from the rain. Once I was ready I walked out to throw away some trash as an excuse to scope out where everybody was to join in. His roommate was sitting at a table with his group of friends as they were also celebrating his birthday that weekend. In the kitchen was my bf and his guy friends just standing around in a circle talking. I felt outta place. Should I got stand next to my bf like a dog just standing next to his owner? or should I go see if there’s room at the table with random people and his awkward roommate? neither I went back to the room and hated myself for being so antisocial. I just felt uncomfortable and out of place for some reason. It made me kind of upset but I knew I had no reason to be because that was who I was being at the moment. My bf walks in a few minutes later hoping he’d ask me to go join them out there, he actually just says that his sister would be arriving soon if I could go entertain her while he hungout with his friends. So I was like ok? do I go out now? again hoping he’d say yes and include me in on what was going on out there, he said no wait here I’ll let u know when my sister gets here. so that clearly upset me. I knew I had no right to be angry at him because of how antisocial I was being at the moment but what he said really made me even more upset. knowing it was his birthday that weekend, I didn't want to ruin the mood so I tried to just push it aside and at least be glad that his sister arriving would give me a push to not be so antisocial. so I got out there tried my best to be a bit more social and pull up some chairs for his sister and I at the table where his roommates friends were at. luckily the guy next to me, which I faintly remembered previously meeting, started a conversation with me and I tried to talk a bit with his sister and gf too. now I usually wouldn't be this way but the party just seemed very separated and my bf just seemed really busy with his friends so yea it was hard trying to come out and be social. whatever we all get ubers and headed to the bars. yes by that time I was upset that my bf had told me to wait in the room, it just felt so shitty, so I wasn't giving the best responses to my bf at that time. in the uber my bf turns to me and “whispers” why are u acting like a bitch right now you need to stop, in the most demanding and angry voice I have ever heard come out from him. nope, to not get into an argument I simply began to text him, don't talk to me that way idk who u think u are but don't try to disrespect me. by the time we reached the bars clearly we weren't on good terms. we got there pretty late and because of the restrictions because of the virus right now we didn't spend much time there. my bf pulls me aside at the bar and ask why I'm acting that way. I try to explain that what he said in the room and his tone of voice in the uber really upset me but I'm not sure much of what we were discussing really got to him cuz he was probably drunk by that point. now I know I'm in the wrong here for being bitchy on his birthday but the way he talked to me was just unacceptable. see all these things just built up to what was to come. so we make our way back to their apartment with a smaller group this time and same thing in the uber he talks to me in that same tone. again I stayed quiet knowing It’d be best to bring it up and remind him it was unacceptable the next day when he was sober. anyway back at the apartment we continue to drink and all that. well as people started to leave I remember going into the room and somehow just fell asleep on the floor, in childs pose lol. well I remember being woken up by a forceful push. I wake up bewildered and see my bf in the bed looking at me. I question angerly what his problem was and why he had pushed me like that. with an attitude he responds saying he didn't mean to push me so hard and I honestly don't remember much but somehow  the conversation escalated into an argument. I was upset asking why he was being so forceful and I remember asking if I could sleep in the corner of the room without him bothering me or hurting me. somehow it just kept escalating and I  remember he reaches out and slaps me across the face. crying at that point I'm sure I swung back. He’s throwing all my bags at me telling me to leave. drunk and upset I'm asking him to let me just sober up and id leave first thing in the morning. he did not give a fuck he was pushing me out the door he’s telling me he didn’t care to just sleep in my car. Meanwhile I remember trying to call my brother to pick me up but he didn't answer, I called my friend as we passed the living room where his friend and sister had knocked out. He’s pushing me out, I'm crying as my friend picks up my phone dies and I'm left outside alone, drunk, and crying hauling my bags to my car. I just remember sitting in my car not sure what the hell to do barley processing what just happened. I think I was in a bit of a shock cuz it sobered me up enough to focus on driving myself home, safely.

The next few days were interesting. I couldn't believe that happened to me. He tried to reach out saying he was beyond sorry and he was extremely shameful and couldn't believe he himself did that. At first, I was sure I was not getting back together with him. After receiving many texts saying how sorry he was and that he would do all in his power to fix things, I was convinced that he deserved a second chance. People fuck up. I’ve fucked up in the past as well. After what had happened I wasn't too sure things could go back to how they used to be, at least not right away. I needed time to forgive him and I explicitly told him It wouldn't be the same and I needed my space. He seemed very understanding when we texted. Although he told me I was at fault too, and I recognize that I was being a bitch earlier that day and I should have been more mindful that it was a celebration for his birthday I still don't think what he did was right. He also brought up an incident that had happened a year ago in which I was drunk and was about to dance with another guy. That incident was a fuck up on my part and I had done the best I could to fix it along with my “Flirty” behavior I would sometimes show. We had came along way from that in my opinion and I felt that it wasn't right for him to try to justify what he did that night by bringing up my past. While yes that gave me some incentive to give him another chance I felt that he was using that again to justify his incident. I tried to explain it wasn't the right time to bring it up because it felt that way. 

A week after the incident we decided on getting dinner together. He came over and was trying to be very loving and touchy and I honestly just wanted my space. Like I had said I needed time to in a way to move on from what had just happened. It was fine until we were sitting in the restaurant, he brought up the incident like it was nothing. I know he was just trying to talk about it with me and I tried to just recognize that. Somehow our conversation diverted to me and what I had done a year ago. He looked at me and said “if you ever do that again I'm done, I'm breaking up with u” in my head I was just thinking like...are u serious how are u bringing that up right now and threatening to break up with me over what had happened a year ago when I'm literally on the verge of breaking up with u for slapping me? I left the restaurant frustrated. I ended up breaking the silence in the car and once again explained that it wasn't fair for him to try and bring it up considering what we are gong through atm. His response was that in his eyes dancing with someone else is worse than being hit. While we have different views on that I acknowledge the fact that I what I had done was not right. but again it just wasn't the right time to bring that up again. 

He texted me as he left my place saying that what had happened really seemed to have damaged me and that I should really think about whether I wanted to continue our relationship. Obviously it hurt and obviously it was gonna take time to fix things, our relationship was not gonna just go back to how it was right away, which I had clearly explained to him when he begged to give him another chance. He texted me about an hour later once he was home saying that I was very selfish and I don't acknowledge the fact that I’m at fault too and fuck up in the relationship too, and always play victim so he wanted to break up because of that. I had nothing more to say by that point. So we broke up. Like I said regardless of the situation break ups suck. Its hard not having that person around anymore. It sucks because of all the beautiful memories we had together. Its tough cuz I needed him to be there for me as I’m going though a really hard time rn. And so life feels lonely. Life feels depressing when so many things just keep going wrong. Its hard and I know its only temporary but its hard. 

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5.23.20

Things dont feel the same anymore. We've been together for a year and a half and now I feel like my feelings all of a sudden changed. I'm confused. I though I loved him, I thought I wanted to move in with him and be together forever. So what changed? Well over a month ago we "broke up" but that didn't last very long. We have our differences and I felt that I was ready to be able to leave. But I was wrong it hurt I didn't wanna leave him. So we ended up talking again. We finally hung out and something was off I wasn't attracted to him like before. Idk if it was cuz we hadn't seen each other for a month or because we never really fixed things and moved on like nothing. When I go over I notice I act different toward him, I'm not as attracted, I don't wanna hang out for long periods of time. And I feel terrible. I feel guilty towards him. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, is it my life that's just getting in the way of my emotions or am I really just over him? I'm afraid to say anything yet because what if I ruin something good. I mean I like talking to hom, hanging out with him, and his personality. But why am I okay now with not texting him for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I just haven't said anything because I don't wanna feel lonely. And that's not fair to him. If I can't love him back like I used to.

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4.30.20

I don't know if I want to break up with him, but I think I'm ready to. I don't get upset and sad anymore when we argue. Obviously it's still gonna hurt but I know i can get over it. The same issue keeps coming up it's something that's been happening since before December that's still a reoccurring issue in our relationship, sex. There's times when I don't want it, I'm not in the mood, it's just not the right time, I'm on my period, whatever. But he doesn't respect the fact that I don't want to. To him it's a huge insult, he says it makes him feel unwanted, that I'm not attracted to him. But I also know he's a very horny guy he needs alot of it. And I feel the more he persists the less I want it. If someone can't respect my decision and my body then what in the world makes u think I'm gonna want to have sex with you. And just because I say no it doesn't mean I'm any less attracted to you, just wait until later. But then he gets angry and he let's his anger get the best of him. He'll make comments like I can be fuckin any other girl rn so why am I wasting my time with you, I should just fuck other girls then. And these comments and his anger piss me off, I don't deserve that. Not to mention these comments he makes and the way he is make me feel insecure about our relationship how can I trust you when you're like that. So we obviously have this big issue. That also makes him insincere towards some of my issues and problems I'm dealing with in life right now. I want somebody who's gonna be patient and be there for me to support me during tough times and this has proven to me that he's not gonna be that type of guy. Now I know I'm not perfect and he's solely not at fault here. But we've tried to fix this issue before and i just don't think it can ever be fixed. So why don't I just break up with him. Well despite that he's a good friend I enjoy talking to him and his company at times, I can be myself around him, we joke around and it makes me happy. So I guess in part I'm afraid to loose something good. But maybe we are just not meant to be together and it's time for me to move on. I know I can do it. There are plenty of things going for me that I can focus on and grow.

[inspo-01]

Well I dont think I've ever written a letter to a guy before so I guess your special or whateva. But seriously, I think back to when we first met and I never would have thought we'd be where we are today. But I'm glad we met and I'm glad you asked me out, even though you weren't serious. I love you and I care about you even if I dont always show it, I do! I know not every day is easy but whatever it is, I try because I want to be with you and because I want to be a better girlfriend for you.

Also I thought this card was kinda perfect cuz it's TRUE, I love doing everything and nothing with you, even the simplest things like studying together. I just love being with you, I've become pretty comfortable around you and I'm glad I can be myself when I'm with you. I wish I could see you every single day and I hope one day I can. I love you ❤

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You said I was a waste of your time. But I dont think you were a waste of mine.

[inspo-01]

3.23.20

Like always I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll back track to last last weekend? I know when I left your house it wasn’t on the best terms. So if all this has been building up, I’m sorry but I didn't plan for this. Like usual I had planned to visit you again over the weekend as I worked during the week, or was supposed to. I also kinda looked forward to spending the lockdown with no other person but you. But as you now know Wednesday things happened that changed my life a bit. I texted you what happened and you didn't really ask any further which is why I didn’t say much at the moment. I thought it was because you were also going through stuff with your family, I also thought you were just giving me my space and didn't wanna ask because I know some people are like that they're still there but they wait for the other person to open up when they’re ready. so I kinda took it that way when you didn't further ask what was up. I never imagined it was because you thought I was lying. Not to compare but I recently told two of my closest friends and like a friend would they asked what happened and they just told me to hang in there and if I needed anything they were here for me. A response I didn't really get form you, but like I previously said it was because I thought that was just how you were or because you too were going through stuff. I really did want to see you and thought I was going to soon. When I went home Wednesday evening (after spending all day at the hospitals parking lot)  I showered and I thought for a second about, spending the night with you because I wanted nothing more than your comfort that night. But I had told my grandma I would go after to my sisters place to get her. Although between us I really didn’t want her to come with me, I like my space, I'm not the most talkative so I kinda don't want her here cuz I have to force conversation with her, I'm just not that close with her, and other reasons I just preferred she’d stay elsewhere. But anyways she’s my grandma, she's family, and she too is going through a lot so I cant just leave her. So I texted my sister and she told me my grandma was expecting me to pick her up from her place. So I went to pick her up, I knew she’d feel more comfortable here at my moms place than at my sisters with her husband and kids around. So whatever that’s how she ended up staying here. I gave her my room because my mom left her room a mess since she was previously taking care of my other grandma the one with Alzheimer's before she rushed to the hospital that day. Actually I told you last time I saw you she too was recently at the hospital it ended up being due to pneumonia and as my moms not working right now she was supposed to be staying with us. Well now my moms not even here as she's spending every day at the hospital with my dad. Anyways my Wednesday was very eventful as you can see. I’m sorry I didn't have time to tell you that day what had happened it took me a few days to actually grasp what was really going on, I think two days later I was finally like wtf at night and I cried a bit. It’s hard with the whole virus thing going on right now too, we can’t really go anywhere, I’m not working so I'm not really making any money right now, so you expect me to take care of both my grandma and my brother right now with literally nothing in my bank account, pay my bills, my credit card,  also I need to get back to studying but I just can’t focus but I have to, I need a good job and I need to help pay my dads hospital bills when he gets out because he doesn't have insurance, I’ve had a lot on my mind right now and I’m sorry I didn't make time to tell you everything its been stressful everything going on in my head right now. Anyways I thought I’d get to see you in person when was it Friday? well I thought you’d be coming over and I really did have the intentions of telling you everything then and hugging you and getting some consoling from you (if that's the right word). I know it seemed as if I was questioning you coming over though. But I honestly wasn’t like I said with the lockdown and everything I thought maybe you didn't wanna risk it. I guess I’m stupid, you're not like that, you’d come regardless. I also wanted some time alone with you and my sister stopped by to pick up my grandma that day because I had told her the day before I needed my own time to get to be with you. I also kinda figured you’d be wanting sex although I’m not by any means in the mood for that right now but I knew we’d be apart for awhile so I knew you'd probably be expecting some, whatever that's why I wanted some time alone as well. So while I was texting you to come over my grandma decided not to leave and well I was upset I didn't get to see you that day as you could tell by my texts that day. Well now we are where we are, you’re upset I didn't tell you and open up to you. But you didn’t either. you also didn't tell me about your dad. If you're going through stuff you too can open up and tell me when things are rough I hope you know that, that I am here for you. Anyway I wont lie everything that was said and done I am once again confused about us. Part of me wants and needs you here but what’s happened has been painful. I do think we lacked communication, l also think we were both being a bit too sensitive, and I think part of that has to do with the fact that we haven't hung out. But I also expected for my man to believe me when I said things weren't okay rather than question it, what reasons have I given you for you to not believe that? I expected you to check up which you did but I expected you to be a bit more concerned and ask what was going on. I don't blame you if you didn't like I said we all react differently to these types of situations. I just though you’d be more understanding that I couldn't be with you right now. But instead you get mad at me, you tell me you want to break up which I think was the last thing I wanted right now was to be in this situation with you arguing. But it shows me the kind of person you probably are and that if I can’t count on you to be there for me now then I probably cant count on you for anything. Not to mention you compared me to your ex, yea that was shitty but also your clearly stating it, that I am not the type of person you want and need and so you should probably find someone like her, not me. Also you have done this in the past but you also threw in my face that I have kinda been a waste of your time because you could have been with and meeting other girls rather than wasted a year with me. You've also done that before mostly when your frustrated about not getting sex, which I’m sure that's probably why your also angry and upset with me. I am sorry I didn’t show you how much I really do love you, I’m sorry I could never fully communicate my true feelings to you. I thought I tried to communicate my life and issues with you but you are right I wasn't doing it clearly enough and I didn't consider you along the way as much as I should have. So, I want to break up after all this. Like I said I don't know if I can trust that you’d be there for me and that you’d give me space or time to open up should shit go wrong in my life again. But its hard to break up, it always has been, I want to be with you, I love you, I love spending time with you, I look forward every day to talking with you. and that's why its so hard because part of me doesn't want to let go. I think if I truly want to be with you I should be with you instead of making things difficult. But the other part of me feels like maybe we’ve been through too much already and that things are never gonna be okay between us, so why are we both forcing something that probably shouldn't be. So I don't know and I don't want to make a decision that I would later regret. If you know what you want you can tell me. But like I said I’m confused right now after all this. I think I need sometime to think and clear my head and emotions. It might be tough, going sometime without talking to you, but like I said it might help with each of us deciding what we want.

[inspo-01]

2.23.20

So there’s arguments in every relationship, things aren’t always perfect, there will be ups and downs. When things are good, they are great! I am the happiest girl in the world, we always talk about how much we love each other, and how we hope to move in together in the near future to take our relationship to the next level. But when things get bad, they’re bad. I feel like shit, I feel like I’m always the one trying to make things better, to reach out. I don't want to sometimes though, I wish I was strong enough to ignore him and let it be like he does. But idk I see it different sometimes to me I see it as why am I suffering keeping things bottled up being angry and upset. I’d rather say things, put it out there or else we will both be upset and angry. but the reason why I don't want to sometimes and just suffer in silence is cuz I don't wanna be annoying and I also don’t want to be the one who is always reaching out making the effort to fix things and talk. Like why is it always me. If I don't will he just give up? this is also why I don't wat to be the first to say something sometimes because if he doesn't try then clearly that says a lot and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care nearly as much as I do. But I feel like again I always cave in and end up being the one to say something so is that bad? should I not be the first to reach out?

[inspo-01]

12.23.19

Just remember this moment and dont make the same mistake again. This is the 2nd time, just let it go. Whatever happens just let it go.

[inspo-01]

12.22.19

Well I did it, i texted him first. Idk what to feel. I told him what I thought of the situation but that was it. He said he wanted to talk in person but I dint really give a response to that. If he doesnt decide what to do than the ball is on my court. And idk what to do. Part of me feels that once I hear him out I'll feel bad and feel that we should fix things. But at the same time I feel that he didnt reachout and didnt try, like always so why am i gonna keep letting this happen. So what we fix things then what I dont think I can go back to how things were tbh. It may take time and we'll have to build up that bond and trust again. Maybe I should just leave things as they are and walk away. Would it be easier that way? Would it be smarter? What happens I'd I go through this again? Am I gonna continue to try to stick around or will that time be different and easier for me to walk away?