insufficentskill

[insufficentskill]

so i crunched the numbers too many times to count, and even though it would be EASIER to keep the car, I just can't. But I can't sell it without my mother being here PHYSICALLY since she co-signed with me. I tried every single thing I could without her but, it's impossible.

So i called my mom for the first time in two years, we chit chatted about how we were- briefly; before I told her why I called. "I can't afford the car." And in typical mom fashion-"Well then get a second job."

I don't WANT to do that. I told her when we got it that I couldn't afford it! But anyway, I told her what's up and she said she would be willing to fly up here to help me sell it!

🥳

Except that she picked the day I'm supposed to return from my partners place, so I'll have to leave a day early. But that's alright.

After this, the only thing connecting me to my mother is blood.

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been a full month!

im ok tho, everything is good. making plans to maybe move in with my partner and their family. that would be cool. just talking about it tho

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you know, my reluctance/indifference should have been a sign that something was wrong. was talking to ban last night, and i was lamenting on how i havent been able to create lately.

and they asked me "are you happy?"

i...couldn't answer. i didnt know. i'm ALIVE, which is cool. and im taking care of myself... cleaning my room, brushing my teeth, eating 3 meals a day. which are things i have always struggled with.

but now i dont WANT to do anything. everyday is a clone of the day before and i feel like im rotting away. i dont want to do anything. all i do is watch youtube videos and rot.

and last night i realized, while talking to ban- that i have lost all of my passion and creative drive. i used to love dming, roleplaying, creating characters... i was even in the middle of a whole ass GAME and i dropped all of it.

i thought it was just burnout but... since i dont create for money or anything, its all just for fun... ive NEVER had a creative burnout before. i dont even wanna listen to music anymore, and i love music. i have always loved music, it is something that my adhd/autism LOVES.

so i messaged my psych and told her the meds arent working. so we'll see what happens.

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havent felt like really putting anything down. everything is going pretty good. hopefully ill sell my car this week, i just cant fucking afford it.

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six more days, oops.

but i felt more anger today, and wanted to try and use this to feel it.

my roommates don't do anything. its so frustrating. we have basic essentials because i remember them, i remember to clean them, to buy them.

we have a chore chare but no one except lily uses it and all she does is wash the dishes, badly.

which i shouldn't complain about but i am, who cares. im not super unhappy in my living arrangement, but i am unhappy. i would love my own space, but that just isnt something i can do right now. idk

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oops 6 days

havent had any feelings to work through, everything is good tho

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oops, almost a week.

nothing really happened. i fixed star's computer and that felt good! and ban and i still talk a lot.

went to roadhouse and waited an hour and 10 minutes for our food. wasnt even busy. damn

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3 days, not too bad.

everything has been pretty good, havent slept well the past two nights but i think i just need to redo my pillow situation and it'll be ok.

tried playing overcooked 2 with ban, looks like they feel the same way about it that i do. the autistic rage when you're focusing on a task and something chaotic ruins it. so thats cool!

we've still been playing the other game, nine parchments. we've beat it twice on normal, now we're trying hard. not that much more difficult. still fun just playing with them.

finally told ban i would be okay to try and talk with them about more intimate topics, and it hasnt been weird at all. which is great! we talked about a few things, but mostly how in all of my relationships- agency was taken away from me. i was never given the chance to do it on my own. when i was uncomfortable in an intimate setting, my partners never listened to me.

like grabbing my hand to bring it to where they wanted, when i pulled away from a kiss- grabbing me and holding me still so i would just take it. and that was the mentality i had for all of my relationships. pretty sure i was SA'd too, i was drunk so i couldnt really consent.

anyway, yeah. they sent this long paragraph about respecting my boundaries and its ok if nothing happens and im just. gay inside.

i like them a lot.

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oops, 4 days.

not much has really happened. saw my psych two days ago, everything is good. built the little mini-desk next to my big one and it fits perfectly. the whole thing just feels better now.

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been sleeping well, its great. ban and i started playing a game together! its a lot of fun and we are learning it together.

i remembered why lily makes me so angry. she thinks we are so close, but i feel like shes acting all the time. she pretends to like the stuff that i like in some kind of faux closeness and it pisses me off.

she tries to finish my sentences but is WAY off and it just... she feels fake. i dont know how else to say it, but she feels fake. i know she has her own thoughts, feeling, likes and dislikes- she has told me. but when she does this, she feels so fake. like shes trying so hard to fit in she molds herself into something else.

she also doesnt say excuse me when walking in someones personal space like, hello?

and im not just shit talking her on the internet, ive talked to her about these things and she is actively improving. i just need to get it out of me, you know?

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absolutely love the new desk, its so sturdy. its exactly what i wanted.

the only bad part, its just a little too small on one side for my work setup. i need just a little more room, so i ordered a little table to throw in the slot. its about the same height and the right length so im excited. i bought a monitor for ban for like 20 bucks, i swear this retailer is like cheating.

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Built my new desk last night! I am so sore though, thanks to working from home. Haha.

I love the new setup though! The desk is SUPER sturdy and holds all my monitors so nicely. I wasn't able to finish setting up my whole rig though, had to save it for today. Got my work stuff all setup and working and WOW it looks so cool.

I slept okay, despite my body hurting. The multiple pillows is working!

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no way it's been 4 days.

man.

so the desk i ordered arrived here, gonna try and build it tonight. my tax return is gone, but i used it to finally fix the headlight in my car. you ever just...

phew.

the guys who fixed it were SUPER nice and even made the repair cheaper. and let me do a payment plan, its just... damn.

i messaged my mom about getting a power of attorney to get my car registered in the state since i finally got the headlight fixed.

still waiting on stars computer parts, cant wait to do that.

the humidifier is great, i have this nag champa oil that smells SO good and i can put it in the diffuser. smells so good.

made the switch to xfinity, my new phone payment monthly is like 43 bucks cause i hit a bunch of promos. wayy better. i'm waiting to recieve the final bill from verizon. wonder how bad it'll be.

ive been talking to ban a lot, ive almost said "i love you" numerous times already. they've said it to me, and i know that i could definitely tell them... but i'll wait. for what? im not sure. everyday i just like them more and more.

when we had our long talk, i told them i was sensitive to smells. like scent is one of the most important thing to me when it comes to people i associate with. idk i dont like bad smells, and if someone smells bad i dont want to be near them. star being the only exception, and they are improving.

they said they wanted to give me something that smelled like them for when i visit... and i just... i was so overwhelmed with emotion like, oh my god there is NO way they just said that. they've really been thinking so hard about it??? ive never had a partner... think so much about me? care about me???

i got the new pillow, started sleeping bad again. its my shoulders. i usually only sleep with one pillow so im trying more. it was weird last night, but i slept better than with the 1 so...baby steps.

i let myself feel anger today. i was telling ban about my previous car accidents, and almost every single one the other driver SAW me and LET me hit them. one because he wanted a new hood for his car, and another because he wanted a new paint job. it...made me mad. and i tried to feel it, you know? i'll have to tell my psych.

my sisters cat died today.

he was about 11 years old, and he died while she was out of town. he had hepatic lipadosis, diabetes and pancreatitis. she uh... wasnt a good cat mom. like of course she did her best, but his living conditions were NEVER good. dirty room, dirty litter box, dirty food/water bowl. she is busy, she works a lot sure. but she never.... tried? i guess? two of those diagnosis are hereditary so how didn't she know? idk i cant fault her entirely but... he didnt deserve to live in so much pain.

i'm not glad hes dead, but i am glad hes no longer suffering.

R.I.P Bear 2k25

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been sleeping well, i keep forgetting to update here. bought a new desk with credit i had on wayfair, heres hoping its sturdier.

i also got my tax return, i think im just gonna let it sit in my account so i can catch up.

my mom sent me another passive aggresive text message about not paying my car note(i paid it), so she paid it. now february had two payments submitted. she doesnt trust me with anything, it hurts.

star bought new computer parts, and im going to gut their current build and rebuild their pc. im very excited for this, it'll be my first time building a pc on my own from scratch.

i got a humidifier for my room that my roomie dog(fake name) bought for me. my lips have been really dry and the skin on my hands is flaking, its helping.

i made an appt at the nearby car shop to have my headlight looked at finally. they have payment plans, so hopefully i can finally get this fixed.

when i got my tax refund, i thought about buying ban's computer parts too, but i shouldn't. i didnt.

my verizon service is 280 a month, and when i miss the due date(i miss it every month) they charge me an extra 100 bucks. its too much. so im going to leave verizon and switch back to xfinity- which will make it WAY cheaper. i just might be blacklisted from verizon for the rest of my life, which i think i can live with.

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Had a good day, felt energized for the first time in two weeks and an old mmo i used to play relaunched! Played it all day, it's so fun.

Too bad i don't know anyone else playing it. And I could make friends but like...that's scary.

Time for bed, very tired. Very excited to sleep.

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i slept through the night.

fucking FINALLY!

ive never slept with two pillows, but i was so desperate i thought id try. i used a super small soft pillow and just put it on top of the hard one and it WORKED!!

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the cycle continues, slept horribly last night. i figured out what pillow my last one was, just gonna buy the same one. i really wanted the one i got to work out because ban bought it for me, but oh well. i'll just return it and give them their money back. such a sweet gift.

speaking of ban, we've been hanging out a lot more lately. we already did, but you know. when we got together, we had a big talk about expectations. both of us have a bit of trauma with what is expected of us in a relationship. so we found something that works for us.

we've started watching some of my favorite shows/movies that they haven't seen. i think this is one of my favorite ways to bond with people.