intentionallysingle

[intentionallysingle]

5 days ago I became a full-time single mom. I've been solo parenting for 12 years since my divorce, but the kids have always had time at their dads house.

5 days ago, that all changed. My daughter is now outright refusing to go to her dad's house ever again. I don't blame her and support her 100%. But I hate to admit that part of what overwhelms me about this situation is the impact it will have on my social and single life. She became 18 years old in the last few weeks (figuratively, not literally) - her maturity is astounding and she and I have talked about my dating life and she doesn't want her place at home full-time to change my ability to date.

But baby girl...it does. So much. Because I love you and want to be with you and don't want you to ever feel like I'm leaving you home alone for someone else.

At the same time, if I want to date in the next 4 years? Leaving her home alone is how I'm going to be able to do it.

I'm really overwhelmed. I love her and have wanted her to stand up to her dad for so long. But now that she has, the long-term impact on my life is pretty profound. And I'm just not sure how to cope with that.

[intentionallysingle]

4 days after asking me to be in a committed relationship, it's over with me being slut shamed.

Fastest. Relationship. Ever.

And SO glad I found out now how close-minded he is. Didn't realize I was supposed to be a 41 year old virgin 😆

[intentionallysingle]

I have a great new guy in my life that I'm crazy about, and he's crazy about me as well. So I don't know why it's still such a gut punch when I discovered today that the most recent ex-bf unfriended me and all of my family members on FB.

[intentionallysingle]

Literally just wrote a suicide note on Tumblr. Went to post it, and it said it hit a snag. Try again.

[intentionallysingle]

That moment where your recent ex-bf starts hitting on one of your best friends online...the same best friend who initially caught him online during our monogamous relationship. The same best friend that he met SO MANY TIMES during our relationship that there's no way he doesn't recognize her and her name. What a fucking embarrassment...for him. I take no responsibility for who he has become. Fucking desperate asshole. I really was happy with him and shocked on how things ended. How didn't I see this sooner?!?!?!?!? 😭

[intentionallysingle]

How to not introduce yourself on Tinder.

[intentionallysingle]

My nearly 2.5 year monogamous relationship ended 2.5 months ago when one of my bffs caught him on Bumble. I've gone through ALL of the emotions, but long term I now recognize he wasn't my "person" (if that even exists) and don't want him back - but frankly expected him to try to come back by now. That hasn't happened. Yesterday was Christmas; last year, I spent Christmas at his house helping to make it magical for his family since I'd celebrated with my kids the day before. This year, I've had pangs of missing the relationship - not HIM as much as just the comfort of being with someone who I thought loved me unconditionally. Anyway, I was trying to stay in touch with his adult daughters, and trying to maintain some contact with his sister that I love and his brothers fiancee. I messaged sister and future SIL to wish them a Merry Christmas. They were perfectly kind, but something felt...off. So this morning, I went on his FB page. He rarely posts, so I wasn't expecting to see anything exciting. But as I scrolled down? He had erased all the posts from this year. Untagged himself from our 2 year anniversary. Took down the post about what an amazing gf I am from our first vacation together - which was also his first adult/no kids vacation since he had kids AND his first time on an airplane in 25 years. Truthfully, I normally delete that stuff when relationships end. But I left them up, because they were really happy moments when they occurred, and frankly, whenever he insta-relationships with someone, I wanted them to see that on social we were still madly in love just a few months ago. I have no doubt he did this because he's met someone. Which also would explain the awkward responses from his family, because he can't be alone so new gf likely was at Christmas or even Thanksgiving. His sister, who normally posts quite frequently, has NO posts for December - so I wouldn't doubt she's put up a privacy filter to keep me from seeing family photos. Which is probably out of kindness to not hurt me, knowing her. But fuck him. I knew he'd move on ASAP when my friends saw him back on Bumble hours after we broke up. And I knew at some point it would be likely that he'd take the posts down and/or untag himself. But I feel gutted. Like he's trying to erase our relationship. Like he doesn't care about all the amazing things I did with him and for him. I will never understand how I never seem to be enough for anyone. There is nothing, aside from my disability, that I bring to a relationship that is challenging. I loved him with my whole heart. I made him a better man. I supported him in ways he didn't know existed. I never once even considered stepping out on him. And he VERY internationally hurt me, instead of just having the difficult break up conversation and THEN going on a dating app. I just seriously can't believe I've been erased. And I can't believe social media is so triggering right now. 😔

[intentionallysingle]

I wish someone missed me. Like legitimately gave af about me and wanted to spend time with me. Loneliness is one of the most crushing emotions imaginable.

[intentionallysingle]

I'm on a break, apparently. Not sure whether to hope for reconciliation or if I should just move on. But I've never been so hurt by someone I trusted so much. 😭

[intentionallysingle]

Fuck monogamy. I'm once again in medical hell, doing everything I can to avoid an ER trip. And I'm rolling solo. I know he's busy with work. I know he's a single parent. But fuck this noise. If he were in the pain I was in right now, I'd drop everything in my world to be by his side. I knew what I was getting into when we started dating. I didn't know that even when it feels like a medical emergency, he wouldn't find a way to put me first when I desperately need him. THIS is the kind of bullshit that kept me intentionally single for years. The boyfriend who was supposed to drive me to spine surgery #1 - who cancels the night before and then dumps me over the phone while I'm in my hospital bed. The other boyfriend who loudly groaned when I was at his house for a weekend, in his bedroom up a flight of 14 stairs, and asked for him to come upstairs and spend time with me. My heart has been hurt so many times by people who said they cared about me and then couldn't be there for me through my spine shit. This is why I used to keep a roster - so I wasn't home alone all weekend, in horrific pain, when all I want is for someone to come over and hold my hand and watch a movie. I don't know how much longer I can be in this relationship.

[intentionallysingle]

It's been a year and a half with my Prince Charming, and I'm at my worst medical low since we've been together. He's never seen me in this much pain and attempting to cope with all of the emotions that surround these flare ups. This truly does appear to just be a flare up, no surgery scare as of yet, but it's terrifying to know that I'm supposed to have someone by my side during this since I'm no longer intentionally single - but wondering if they can truly handle it. From the trauma of losing his late wife and supporting her through her medical battle, I don't want to put him through mine (which is non-fatal, just chronically brutal). I've really, really tried to keep the details light even when he's seen me in flare ups before. But this one is different. This one has me nearly bed bound. This one will likely put me back in a walker for awhile. I got this bad right before the pandemic lockdowns started in March 2020 and it lasted a solid 5-6 weeks. I hate to say I'm "hiding" from him physically right now, but he's respecting my need for space and not asking to spend time with me even though we haven't seen each other in a week and a half since I traveled last weekend. I don't know how to get through this with a partner; I don't know how to trust him and let him into my spine circle of trust since that circle has been broken and nearly ended me before. I forget sometimes how many walls I still have up, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take this one down for him. And that is terrifying.

[intentionallysingle]

There are so many reasons I'm madly in love with this man. Whether it's knowing that I'll get to talk to him every night, knowing that every Friday and Saturday night date night is lined up for the rest of my life, knowing that he's supporting me from afar while I deal with difficult work meetings, and knowing that I can vent about ALL my work stressors to him and that he'll listen intently while frankly having not a whole lot of an idea what I'm actually talking about - it's amazing. I've never had someone SO there for me and in my corner. And the feeling is mutual - there is such a huge dichotomy between our jobs and career paths that I frankly don't know if we'll ever truly understand in any level of true detail what the other person does for a living (although I can say that he lights up my life and many other peoples lives! 🤣); but the fact that we can love and support each other through the banal day to day experiences of jobs and parenting stressors and all the joys of home ownership means the absolute world to me. This past weekend, my back unexpectedly blew out while I was staying at his house. In a previous relationship? My partner was frustrated with me all weekend to the point that we practically broke up over my temporary inability to walk. This Prince Charming brought me breakfast in bed and took care of me all day, including just laying by my side when I just needed comfort. Baby, you are my lobster. 🦞

[intentionallysingle]

10 months in, and I got to celebrate my 40th birthday with the man of my dreams. Never expected to fall madly in love in the middle of a global pandemic. Never expected to have a partner in this crazy journey. Never knew I could be this happy in a relationship with a man who adores everything about me and can't get enough of me. It's funny how random friends, including my dad and stepmom, keep asking when we're going to get married (😳) as if that's the only end goal here. How about we just keep developing a solid, healthy relationship, continue to love and support each other, and enjoy every minute we can spend together? When did marriage become the default end goal? And is that it, does marriage mean #happilyeverafter? Because I've seen enough divorces to prove otherwise...and dating a widower means that I'm with someone who has also experienced a marriage that didn't last "forever". So as we creep towards that big 1 year anniversary, as we start to experience our first full summer together, all I want is for this perfect connection to keep growing. To spend every minute together that we possibly can while still ensuring we have enough time apart to manage our professional lives and parenting responsibilities. To make sure we don't fall into codependency and maintain our individuality. To keep building the relationship I've always wanted to demonstrate for my kids of what it means to be a strong individual with a partner who can support me along the way and who loves me for who I am and who treats me with love and respect 100% of the time. I'm so lucky to have rolled into this new decade of my life with him by my side. I can't say what the future will bring, but I know I want him with me, every step of the way. 🥰

[intentionallysingle]

Sometimes you fall madly in love, even when you intended to stay intentionally single. Sometimes the man of your dreams even falls madly in love with you. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a fairy tale where a man would drive him and his children 25 hours to meet me at a beach for spring break. This is a story for all the women out there who, like me, couldn't even get a guy to commit to a Friday night date on a Friday afternoon - you deserve better. Better is out there. Stay intentionally single until you find a man who will literally drive across the country to swim in the Gulf of Mexico with you.

[intentionallysingle]

Today is the 6 month mark of being with a man that I'm madly in love with. I can't say that anything about my relationship is challenging - except for the stuff in my head. I keep waiting for the Jekyll and Hyde experience I had in my last relationship. I keep waiting for a notification to pop up on his phone and realize it's a Tinder message like the relationship before the stalker. That's not the case here. And I hate that it's always in the pit of my stomach.

This man loves me. With his whole heart. We spent our "anniversary" with our 3 youngest kids - they played video games and hung out while we did small projects around my house and talked for hours. And we all had an amazing leftover feast from the massive dinner the kids and I made for him and his son last night. I couldn't ask for more in a relationship. I've never been with someone who has treated me this well. I've never felt so loved and respected. I've never been with someone who is constantly thinking of ways to make my life better (no, I didn't know the random wood burning stove thing in my fireplace that I will absolutely never use could possibly sell for hundreds of dollars - thank you for telling me, cleaning it up, and posting it on marketplace!! 🥰). I love the way he loves he. I hate the way I have a hard time still trying to let those walls down and 100% trust that this won't end at any given second. All of the insecurities are on me - he will never hurt me. His daughters have let me into their lives and are trusting me with conversations about big life decisions. Everything is amazing. I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world, and I fully acknowledge that I appreciate him more because of all of the douchebags before him. I just wish I hadn't let all of those db's wound my heart so badly.

I know no one is reading this. And that he'll NEVER discover it unless I lead him directly to this. But baby, I'm sorry for the insecurities that you don't even know I have. You are everything I've wanted in a partner and in a lover. Happy 6 months 💓

[intentionallysingle]

Tonight I get to fall asleep next to the man of my dreams. 4 months in and life is still unbelievably perfect. We've met the kids. We've made it through some small holidays. I still get butterflies every time I see him, and we still keep finding ways to have adventures even as our state shuts down again for the pandemic.

I didn't know it was possible to be in a relationship like this. Where everyone who knows me says they've never seen me this happy. Where my kids can't stop talking about him. Where his son asks to come over even when my kids won't be here.

I've never met a man with a heart like this. He appreciates every little bit of effort that I put in to make him feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. He is the kindest soul I've ever known. He's fucking killing it as a single dad - and even when life is a shitshow, he manages to keep smiling and laugh it off.

We only get to see each other tonight this weekend because he had to work Saturday. He's so exhausted from his 6 day work week that he passed out early. In the most non-creeper way possible, I love looking over at him while he's sleeping and I'm watching TV trying to get tired enough to sleep. I don't know how I got this lucky. I don't know how the man of my dreams feels so lucky to be with me.

I'm most definitely no longer #intentionallysingle. I'm madly in love and have met the man I'm going to spend my life with. But I'm going to keep this page up so I can remember where I came from and appreciate him even more.

Goodnight, lover. Can't wait to wake up next to you in the morning. 🥰

[intentionallysingle]

July 30, 2020. That's the day everything changed. Aside from that whole global pandemic thing, I'd never been happier. My job is amazing and I'm on the brink of a major promotion. My kids are happy and healthy and adorable and I'm spending more quality time with them than I ever have. My back has felt better this summer than it has in 8 years. I'm reading again. I'm playing piano again. I've gotten on a bike again for the first time in over 15 years. I've worked all of the financial calculations to make sure I can pay off my house and retire by age 59 with more than enough money to live off of for the rest of my life.

But there was still that loneliness. So I took the risk and went back online as the state started slowly opening back up again...and then I met him.

It's just so...easy. I adore him. He's the kindest man I've ever met. He's sweet and compassionate and funny and ridiculously gorgeous and has his shit together. I can't remember the last time I've smiled this much. The chemistry is off the charts. I've never - EVER - been with someone who fits so well with me in so many ways. From the little things like planning dates in advance to the bigger things like being ready to be there to comfort me after a shitty medical procedure to wanting to plan a future together and knowing that we'll take our time but that we both want the same thing...

I didn't know this existed. I can't imagine it going away, but I want to remember this feeling forever. Where the butterflies are real every time I'm going to see him, wondering if things will be as amazing as I'd imagined and having every date get better and better. Having him give me genuine compliments over and over again, more pertaining to my character and the life I've built for me and my kids than anything about my physical appearance and our sexual connection.

I've met my person. He's it. I want to build a life with him. I can't imagine a future without him. I'm falling in love - but in a slow, healthy way to make sure this is the real him and not some facade he's keeping up to impress me.

It doesn't feel real, and then he calls me and we talk for an hour and a half on the nights we aren't able to be together and I know it's real. I feel this profound sense of comfort when I wake up in bed alone because I know he's home with his kids but still thinking about me while he rocks out in single dad mode. The way he lights up when we see each other is so beautiful and genuine. The way we reconnect for 45 minutes in my foyer after not seeing each other for days is magical.

I'm floating. Every day, every time I think about him. And what's truly amazing is that he feels the same way - I think he got to this point even sooner than I did. He knew after date 1. My trust issues got in the way and it took me a few more dates to believe it was genuine and that he wasn't going to ghost me. And now the normal anxiety I feel over wondering if someone is into me and wants to see me again? Gone. This is the most secure I've EVER felt in a relationship.

I DTR'd him last weekend. He came into my house and said he wanted to spend his life with me. So I stumbled through making sure we really were in a relationship (even though we'd already said all of the things without the definition) and things have been more magical since. He keeps saying, "I can't believe I have a girlfriend. I can't believe I get to be with you."

I am no longer #intentionallysingle. I am falling madly in love with you, John. I didn't know someone existed with all of the characteristics that I was looking for - and that that person could ever feel the same way about me.

You are my person. I want to spend my life with you. We are going to have the most amazing future together! ❤