internetreadingpanda

[internetreadingpanda]

hey,i am so glad u started writing again i have been following your page for a while and ur recent writing made me so happy

OMG!! OMG!!! I write here because I thought nobody would read this (apparently, I have an embarrassing life) but I am glad you liked it. And in case I stop posting again, I hope you'll tell your kids I was your fav writer (jk these letters are my secrets, handle em with care)

[internetreadingpanda]

April 11, 2024

dear moon, my drinking buddy,

Isn't it weird how I start writing about all the best things of my life when they come to an end? And I never thought I would start writing to you again but here I am, after two years, ranting about life (yes there is this girl and she is magical).

So for two years, I've been living a strange yet wonderful life. I met so many new people, cried for a few, laughed a lot, went on dates, and worked my ass off at a debt collection company, but the point here is that in two years I met the most amazing human beings along with the unbearable pain and those people helped me get through it. Nothing I can say will ever be able to appropriately appreciate them.

The problem I have right now is not really a problem, it's just a girl. On 8th March it was Mahashivratri, and like a random Friday, I woke up sad. It was Moksha Day 02 and we were supposed to attend this fest in NSUT; when I say WE, I mean Me, Nikhil, and Aakash. However, in the morning Nikhil called and informed me that he is not coming and I'll have to go with Aakash because he is participating in some speed dating thingy and he needs moral support. I got frustrated and did not wanna go because you know it is Aakash, he's annoying at times but I knew this is the only fest I'll be going to because I have this shit job to focus on so I decided to let it be, it is just about a day. I reached Nikhil's place and I told him how he was such a bastard for not coming along.

Do you remember how I said this girl is magical, now here comes the magic (you won't get it but it'll make sense later) when we are in the metro and Aakash shows me the Instagram account of this girl named (let's call her) Omen and he asked me if I would like to talk to her and I was like we'll see.

We reached the college, friendless, feeling left out but still there was a sense of excitement, a feeling that something good will happen, I won't be me today, I'll change. We went for the speed dating thingy and it went down into flames for him. My man doesn't know how to speak to a woman. Moving forward, he told me he wants to ask a girl out and I was like just go and speak to someone but he was just too scared. Near the food stall, I saw a girl and I was like I wanna talk to her. She was so pretty with her crop top and tangled hair. So we waited there, for the right moment. The moment never came but magic happened and Omen arrived, that too, out of nowhere. Can you believe it????? What sort of a coincidence is this????? She just ran into us and she took us with her. I was experiencing this kind of human interactions for the first time where these college kids are making friends this easily and I was so intrigued by it. So we went along with her to find the rest of her friends. It was a hassle to look for other people in that crowd and desperate Aakash could not resist but ask if there are any girls in her group and Omen was like yeah but she has a boyfriend. The moment Omen finished the sentence, her girlies arrived and I looked at her for the first time and all I saw was poetry. The faded color of her hair, wrists filled with bracelets as if they conceal a secret, her fingers had all the classy rings as if she is planning some sorcery which is somehow correct because Omen introduced us and she said she's pursuing BA and Black magic from DU. I was like WHAAAAATTT???? Let's name her Ameera because the meaning of her name is Indian Princess and that's what exactly she is, a princess. She said that and a friend of her interrupted between us ( I hate guy friends).

Aakash and I looked at each other and we both had the same thought: SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. By the number of guy friend she has, it was impossible to find who is the main guy so we were judging her every interaction and based on the pattern of physical touch we would predict who is the guy and FINALLY a guy won. His name was Jacob and he was just THERE like all the time.

Anyway, I realized there is nothing that can happen between us but I was really fascinated with the Black magic that she told me about so I was curious to know more, that's why I stayed (I swear I stayed for the black magic only). We were in the campus, clicking pictures, and they were laughing on weird jokes which I found really weird that's why I maintained some distance from them because obviously my humor would make them cry. I found a batman mask and I wore it, suddenly everyone started looking at me. Stupid things I do to gain attention, but I liked it, they were curious to know what's behind the mask. Even Ameera clicked pictures of me with that mask on and even if I take the batman mask off there's still gonna be a mask because I lied to them, I lied how I am in NSUT, I lied about my schools, my friends and everything. I told them what they wanted to hear and the plan was just to enjoy the fest with them and never show them my face again but I don't know what kind of a magic she has done on me that I am craving her every second and it sucks it sucks so bad that I feel ridiculous to be alive for someone's attention.

By the evening, I couldn't bear there jokes so we slowly took the exit from that group of friends without even thinking about Ameera. The concert started and the artist came on the stage, everyone is hooting and I and Aakash are running towards the spot for the best view and that moron took us at the back. The weather was just like my skin, cold and dusky, someone would wanna eat it. I was thinking how, this music fest will end and I'll return to my boring life, where I have to work in the night shifts and play cricket in the day with two week-offs which I spend with some household chores.

So I made a decision, I will enjoy. I will go deep in the crowd for the best view, I will kiss random strangers and I will dance with my friends. With that decision I ran into the crowd and found a perfect spot to vibe. I lifted Aakash on my shoulders and enjoyed the most. But still there was a sense of emptiness, I don't know why, it was just there and then again the magic happened. Naman (Ameera's bestfriend) bumped into us and took us with them. I clearly refused because they all are really weird. He didn't even acknowledge my refusal and took us both. Then there was the whole group of friends, the lover, the best friend, the jealous angry bird, the rival in love and what not. Then there was she, I won't be exaggerating f I say I am writing this with tears in my eyes because I knew this will happen, that evening was so precious that it haunts my soul to realize there will never be a moment like that. And even if there will be a moment like that, she won't be there. What is it if not a curse? To have her seen roaming under the same sky with people who are not me.

Aakash lifted me on his shoulders and Ameera made a video of that where she called out my name and I was like HEYYY!! I went up to her and asked could you please send me this video and she said sure and took my number. I was so happy because I got one picture clicked, just one and in that moment I realized why friends are important and especially good friends because your lovers don't come to click your pictures while you are being a complete weird-ass in a music festival.

Then Omen suggested we should go deep in the crowd (from where we came) so we all sort of got in a trail and followed it till we were in the middle. All that time she was really close to Jacob, and I accidently touched her shoulder and I apologized, to which she said why on earth would you be sorry for that?? its okay?? The weird part here is, I usually don't do this; it's just with her. They all vibed with the artists, there pretty enlightened face and weird pictures got clicked. I was still maintaining a distance because I knew I don't belong to them. Then again the magic happened, Ameera came up to me and asked "why are you so depressed?"

I nodded my head and tried to speak but she looks so pretty that I did not know if I should waste a second telling her about my feelings or just use it wisely to admire her because I am never gonna see her again. So I remained silent and smiled. She took my hand and danced with me, in front of her friends (those lovers, rivals, besties, jealous birds) and they all hyped us up. Perhaps they were right when they said a woman makes a man attractive because nobody noticed me until she was there twirling me with the sweet melody, where my world actually spinned.

Later, Jacob also came in to dance with her, all of a sudden and he gave me the phone to click a picture of them and the way he did that was not very "could-you-please-click-a-picture-of-us-?" of him so I handed over the phone to Aakash just to show that I am not gonna do that because I am not like you people I cannot stay around her knowing she is not mine and still keep a hope that one day something bad will happen to her and she'll realize my worth?? Nah.... We don't do that here. I will bleed till death for her, in secret, but I will never ask her to come back.

Damn- I made it sound a little too cringe.

After that, Aakash asked Ameera if Jacob is her boyfriend and she laughed it off saying I don't have any boyfriend. Now I got the green signal to make any move. Aakash might not know how to speak to the love of his life but he clearly knows all the bro codes.

I always wanted to lift a girl on my shoulders during a concert (it was on my fuck-et list) and I gathered all my courage to ask her this and she said yes. In a few moments she was on my shoulders, my head between her thighs and I could feel how I do not wanna put her down. I did not know it was last two songs of the night and the concert came to an end. The crowd started leaving and she was still up there and I was like what now? can I take you home like this ? please?

Now there was no music, just a few friends, her and I. The energy she gives in unmatchable. You cannot cage her, you cannot ask her to be yours, you'll have to be hers. She who moves like a river, how can you even think about controlling her? You gotta surrender in front of her and use her flow to move along. I mean, she was literally running here and there and I did not feel like catching her. I enjoy looking at her too much that I don't even need her to love her. She asked me if we wanna hangout with her for a while and I wanted to say no because I knew it'll harm me (which it did) but I just said yes because the warmth and the flirtatious energy her words carry are magical.

We went to a cafe, followed by her few friends (inc. Jacob). She sat by my side and I could feel all the eyes were on us and I loved how Aakash was completely a part of her group now and they can't really talk bad about me because my man is there to defend plus he got me so much useful information (we love male friendships). She showed me pictures we clicked today, she told me how she has friend zoned almost everyone on this planet. Which I somehow knew because you can look at her and see she's being admired and boys are gonna love her and she is not someone who would commit so yeah I was so fucked.

I enjoyed talking to her so much that I lost track of time. It got late and I decided to take the pink metro line because Ameera has the same and I thought I would talk to her and it'll be just us but but but no, a friend decided to join us. The worst partis, I can't even show my frustration. However, luckily, he vanished mid-way somewhere and I got happy again but then, unfortunately, her another friends group bumped into us????? WHAT IS THIS HAPPENING?? CAN"T A GUY SIMPLY TALK TO THIS ONE GIRL HE LIKES??

She met all of them and when I say ALL I mean eight to ten human beings. During the interaction her station arrived and that's when I, out of nowhere, expressed how a little confused I am for my station since I don't travel via pink line and she said fine I'll come with you. In that moment, I got embarrassed because her friend knew that I am playing and maybe he also knew that she's playing along too because nobody gets confused for two metro stations???!! So he gave her a look, that's all I know and we reached my metro station. She clicked a picture of us on the reflection over the metro' gate. She asked me if I am coming tomorrow and I said I will because you want me to but tomorrow might not be that fun since we've already reached the peak of all the things I wanted to do. She refused and told me how there's so much left to explore. I did not believe her, at all. But now that I look back and think I see how she was so right, she has always been so right.

Love&Lights

Yushie♡

[internetreadingpanda]

Hey

Your writings are great

Is this like writing a diary?

Yes it is and thank you. What a shame I don't write here anymore.

[internetreadingpanda]

July 30, 2022

dear moon,

I don’t have words to describe what’s been going on in my life lately. In just 15 days a lot has changed. I feel like I have grown up a lot and also, I am turning 18 this august. This dark, dark realization of growing old. I have started smoking regularly and at times I even dislike it but it gives me peace. It makes me feel like the world has stopped and it is just me and this cigarette against all the chaos; voices in my head stop when I smoke and when the buzz fades it is all same again. That is why I hate it too but now I can’t help it too. I also drank vodka last week and after two pegs I was on the verge to cry. I do not know the reason, maybe it was because the demon had stopped speaking and it was just my heavy heart beating rhythmically. I did not cry because I was sad but because I was at peace and did not feel anything.

For the last few months, I had been talking to so many girls on ig. They seem to like me a lil but when I asked them out, they said, “ Yes, we can meet, but let’s not call it a date; there was no certainty. But then there is this girl, oh jeez, she is literally a goddess and has no flaws. I have been following her for a year. When I first followed her, since then I wanted to meet her. I used to take screenshots of her snaps, I would stalk her account to see her OOTDs and I had never imagined that I would get to go on a date with her. Can you believe how HUGE this is for me, like a dream come true? In moments like these, I like to think, that the universe is with me and it does want me to win. However, the next moment, it shatters my whole idea of winning. The next day after the date, my father messaged me, “I am not coming home ever and I am switching my phone off”. When I got this message I was working at paudha and I didn’t seem to care but when my mom called and enquired about him I kind of felt something is wrong. 

Let’s name this girl Helen because she actually is a goddess, Goddess of things I can never possess. Also, first, let me tell you something about her. She is from Bihar, resides in Delhi NCR, and both of her parents are working, she comes from a well-to-do family and has a 15-year-old brother. She dances and sings (not just a hobby), is brilliant at studies, goes to the gym, gotten offer letters from many respected universities, and will move to the US for post-grad. She has been to many countries and experienced all the adventures. She’s literally a 10. 

I have been talking to her for like a month and nobody has made me feel like she does. She genuinely seems to care about my day-to-day life and she gives back the same energy. She tells me every detail of her day and how badly she wanted to talk to me. We flirt, crack jokes, and tell each other stuff about families and ourselves. Although, I have not told her so much about myself yet. One day when I was at Ashu’s place (the day I got drunk for the first time) I called her and as usual, she told me about her day and how she’s close to her brother, he checked my IG profile then he went on like he writes such dark poetries meanwhile I was just listening to her. For a moment we ran out of topics so she asked me about my family and I got all blank, I did not know what to say. I told her I get uncomfortable whenever it comes to my family because of some traumatic past; then she was like yeah but yk sometimes I feel Idk who am I talking to and then we went on talking about something else.

The next day, I gave thought to what she said yesterday so I decided to tell her a lil about my family and I texted her about how my brother tried to kill my father and the result that my father tried to kill himself. Her reaction to this was all sorry and she asked when did that happen and she also said even if we date or do not I want you to know that I am always here for you. I felt as if some burden has gotten out of my shoulders because she did not judge me for this. These days, the best part of my day is talking to her, I start smiling when I see her text. I feel I can show her my scars and she’s gonna let me pretend I have none. She sometimes says things like “please don’t break my heart”, “promise me you won’t gonna fuck me up” to which I reply “I am no harm to you and you have the all supreme power to do anything to me. You are the actual main character and we are living in your world.” She finds me sweet and I think of her as a goddess. 

On Monday, when I was heading off for my evening practice her message came.

“Are you free tomorrow?” 

I replied, “I have cricket practice.”

then she said when do you get free?

I told her my practice schedule and she was like I only have time on Tuesday. She wanted to say please make it on Tuesday or else idk when we will meet but she did not say that directly as she did not want to sound selfish because I’ll have to miss my practice because of her. I understood the significance of the situation and I told her to meet tomorrow and that it is not a big deal if I miss practice.  

From then on, everything started to seem delightful. I was so cheerful that I cannot describe that feeling in words. At practice, I was smiling most of the time. Later Susu asked me what happened and I told him about the date. I love how these people get happy over my happiness. They have nothing to gain from this, despite that they are celebrating. No matter what goes wrong in my life, there’s only one thing I will always be grateful for and that is my friends. 

So, tomorrow came, and my morning started with going to work at paudha. Paudha had taken us to an apartment in Vasant Vihar. Vasant Vihar is a very posh locality where all the rich kids live and of course, I dream to buy a house there. Paudha took us there for some gardening work as the owner of that apartment wanted to grow some vegetables over her terrace. She also wanted some new plants and her terrace to be cleaned. Paudha gave us this job and we (Nikhil and I) got Rs. 500 each. I hated working there because you have to do all that cleaning and stuff around the street as well and people would look at you, I feel so small around them and at the same time I’d think Helen is also looking at me after all, she comes from such locality as well. However, I was enjoying it that day despite I knew I will be late for my date but I cheered because I knew as this gets over I will see a glimpse of heaven; I will see her and that is the best of all things. 

So the work at Vasant Vihar was done early n the morning and we were at Paudha then her message came and the first thing that crossed my mind was, please don’t make her cancel the date god, please! The message said: I’M GOING TO FUCK SOMETHING UP. A screenshot was attached and it has a message from her dad on the family group saying “you are not going out today kashu and no behas on this”.  My beautiful morning had turned into mourning, at that point, I was convinced I am not going to see her and as I did not want to have any more expectations I simply created a scenario where there was no possibility of meeting her and me. Another message arrived after a few moments: NO, I’M COMING. Then she called and I freaked out because I was working and I had not told her that I work somewhere but Nikhil helped me out, I went inside the godown (it is not actually a godown just some space where paudha keeps different kinds of pots). Over the call, she asked me if I can come to Noida as her parents are not letting her go. I was of course convinced. I would have agreed over anything because it is I who has dropped his practice, who has borrowed money from a friend, which shows how badly I want t see her. She also sounded sorry because everything was planned and Noida does not have anything as compatible with our date place in Delhi. Even Nikhil was so pissed; he was like this is not done, how can she change everything at the last moment. He wanted it to happen more than myself. 

Later, IDK how she convinced her parents or what she did but we were back to our plan A which is an art gallery (there was no plan B though she just made that ATM). I was still at Paudha when she briefed me. I checked the time and I had only an hour and a half to go home and get ready. Thanks to Nikhil, he asked me to leave immediately saying he will take of everything here you just focus on your date. So I ran toward my home, took a bath, and ate whatever there was without complaining. I looked at my watch and BOOM an hour passed. Now I only had 30 mins and yet I had to get flowers, chocolates, and some rings for myself. I was so late that I called Ashu and told him to be there at PVR and buy all this stuff for me so I could just take them from him and leave. Unfortunately. Ashu had no idea of what kind of flowers one should get for a date. I was literally running in the metro and as I reached PVR, I saw him and hugged him tightly. I asked if I am smelling bad cuz I was running all the way and I’d gotten a bit sweaty. He said, “Yeah, you stink a bit just a Lil bit”. I got really upset and it was him who cheered me up otherwise I would have killed myself. We bought flowers, I don’t remember the name, but they looked really pretty and fancy. I was also carrying a pack of ultra-mild cigarettes because I decided to flaunt my Dil Bechara personality to her.  

On her side, she had reached and texted me but I could not reply because I was running then she called and I told her I will be there in the max of 20 mins. She did not sound pissed or anything but nobody likes waiting so I ran faster. The BSF guard at the metro security check asked me if I’m going to give these flowers to somebody or if I have gotten these from someone. I told him these are for someone and he smiled at me. On the platform, a girl was making a video of me while I was waiting for my train carrying flowers in my hand along with chocolates and a book. So many amazing things were happening around me and I literally felt like the main character. You see, these are the consequences when a goddess starts liking you; when a goddess demands your presence the whole world pushes you toward her. Even in the metro, everybody kept looking at me and I was blushing beneath my mask. I reached the metro station where she had been waiting for me. She was at the food court, standing near a pillar. A saw her from a distance because of her hair, they are short and colored. As her eyes met mine, in that instant, everything got all blurred. Even now that I visit that place again I try so hard to recall near which pillar she stood but I just cannot; that is the thing about happiness right, you have no scars to remember it or to show someone. I laugh at this inability of mine where I try my best to replay each and every scene but all I see is just a glimpse of us. 

She had worn a dark brown jumpsuit and very cute flip-flops. Her outfit was subtle and those flip-flops made it vibrant to some extent. One would look at her with full admiration from head to toe but definitely hold their gaze over her feet. Her feet were immaculately beautiful. 

I went up to her and straight away she cheered up and threw her arms around me. As we hugged the first thing she asked was, “Why are you so sweaty?” She did not ask that in some bad way she was just curious.

“I got late because I brought you flowers”, I said that giving her the flowers. She accepted them with both of her hands then she literally blushed saying, “There was no need for this”. I did not say anything to that and gave her the chocolates and then the book. She got speechless for a moment and then said “C’mon Yushie, you did not have to do all this”.

“I actually got late because I was getting all this stuff for you, so I first went to Saket along with Ashu then I got back in the metro and came back here” I explained that is how I got all sweaty. 

She was really happy because of the flowers and I asked her “Is it that big of a deal?”

“Is it not? Nobody has ever brought me flowers” She said that with a straight face and I was like damn bro! Bringing her flowers was the best idea, hence,

 YOU: 1     other dude: 0

But I actually never brought flowers to impress her in the first place. I just wanted to give her flowers; she deserves flowers; she is a flower, of this painful world. 

We started moving towards the platform and I was so much into her that we unknowingly went to the wrong platform. 

We reached Saket 20 mins late but who cared about time? We had to go to Champa gali’s bari cafe and for that, we needed an auto. I thought I will have to call for auto because I am the guy and the last time when I went out Kayush, I had to do everything, But here she took the lead and dealt with the auto guy, she even negotiated and I was amused by her skills. 

Again I was back to that same lane I took a year ago to meet Cezzane but this time the memories did not hit hard maybe it was because I am with somebody better than her. We reached Champa Gali in like 15 mins and she looked for Baari cafe but there was a sign that says ‘we are temporarily closed. She sounded a bit upset because she had seen some reviews of that cafe and it was really pretty from the inside. Then she asked me, “where shall we go?”

“There are some other nice cafes too”, I gestured. We went ahead in Champa Gali and she asked me to go to the same cafe I had been with Cezzane and Kayush. I chuckled as she chose four directions. 

“What happened?” She asked with a completely baffled look. 

“Nothing”, I said trying not to smile. She was leading the way and as we were up to the door I realized I had to open the door for her so I rushed to move forward from her but she had already opened the door and I was like oh no! I told her I wanted to open the door for you then she looked down, smiled, and held the door gesturing ‘after you’. 

We sat on the couch, there was Jenga over the table and Menus. For the first few minutes, I could not believe that this is real; that this is actually happening and I wanted to tell her that but I had no words. I do not remember how we started the conversation, it just happened, maybe over the menu or something. Isn’t it amazing, how the thing that was terrifying me the most happened so nonchalantly, in a fleeting moment. And not just this one thing, all my fears like what to order or the bill thing. She took care of everything and especially of me. 

We spent 2 hours in the cafe, had lunch, and talked about so many things. She told me about her friends (which I wanted to know since the day I started following her on ig), about her parents and family. She did the talking mostly and I never felt I need to push this conversation, it just kept going and going. Also, there a moment came when was eating with a fork and knife and I don’t know how to use that. I was feeling a little embarrassed then all of a sudden I remembered how when I was with Cezzane, I was eating spaghetti and I did not know how to eat it properly and the table was a lil far from me to reach. I was so embarrassed that I did not eat it and I still regret it. So I decided I will not let that happen again and I don’t want this to be ruined. With all my innocence I asked her, “Could you please help me with this, I don’t know how to eat with a knife and fork”. 

She said sure and with that happy-to-help smile, she took the knife and showed me how we cut the food. Then with the help of the fork, she picked the food piece and fed me like you feed a lil child. Later she made a video of me where I was struggling to eat with a knife and fork and that was so cute. 

After having lunch we took an auto to the art gallery, in the auto we were clicking pictures and I thought I should now take out my cigarette. I did not know she is making a video when I did that and it got all recorded. She was amused seeing a cigarette between my lips. 

“You can light it if you want”, She said. 

Then I dropped that killer dialogue, “No, I do not smoke”, I took the cigarette in my hand, “See, you put the killing thing right between your teeth but you never give it the power to kill you. It is just a metaphor.” 

“It is childish”, she looked away. 

“C’mon I always wanted to do this”. 

So yeah, this stunt did not come out as I wanted it to be but to make it worse the auto driver offered me a matchstick and she laughed, a lot. I somehow managed not to have myself embarrassed more... by putting back the cigarette in the pack. 

“You did not like it?” I asked her. 

“It does not matter”, still not looking at me, “You can do anything you want”.

I leaned toward her, “anything?” I said looking straight into her eyes with deep passion. 

“Oh, c’mon Yushie”. 

At the mall, we spent a few minutes looking for the Kiran Nadar Art Gallery. I was carrying her bag and she, the flowers. The lady at the counter where we had to submit our bag and stuff asked me why are you carrying a women’s bag and Helen told her it is hers. She looked at us both and smiled. 

I love it when these things happen when people see something unusual so they ask you and when they get the reason behind it, they adore it. 

The art gallery was so peaceful. At first, we did not even see any people but there were many inside. She was looking at the piece of art and I was looking at her. We both were looking at what we find beautiful. The child in me who loves Helen was not able to understand the meaning behind the art so I had to keep asking her. She, in her impeccable manner, kept narrating to me the stories behind those arts. A moment came when we sat on the bench, looking at the wall and there was nobody else in the room. The distance between us was Lil to no. 

“What is this smell”, she asked out of nowhere. 

“What smell?” I was scared that I was stinking. 

“I don’t know”, she sniffed at my shoulder and I moved away a Lil. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Tell me if the smell is nice or not”. 

“It’s nice only. Which perfume do you use?”. Finally, I got some assurance.

I was wearing my brother’s perfume and that too was some cheap brand so I just said it is my brother’s I don’t know the name. 

We were so close that our forearms touched. She saw my veins and asked me to flex and as I did she touched them. She liked my forearms. The grabbed my hand, in a manner where the spaces of my fingers are filled with hers. I was completely shocked. I wanted everything to stop at that moment; just wanted to feel her palm on mine. One thing I knew for sure was that her hand would never harm me. I am safe here. 

We walked like that for a while, rubbing our thumbs. I kept looking at our hands, wishing by some miracle, we could never let it go. But I don’t remember when she let my hand go, maybe if I knew I would have held it tighter. When she was looking at the art, I wanted to look at her so I was walking backward, facing her. The wooden flooring made some noise when my feet struck the floor and she would look at me often.

After the art gallery, we went to the mall. I started feeling small there like I do not belong there but she sure does. So I got all quiet. She saw a store that has scented candles and stuff like that and said something about it. She realized I have not heard of it so she took me in there and like the salesperson shows stuff and explains, she showed me the products. 

While strolling in the mall for a while she wanted to go to Starbucks. I told her I have never been there and I know nothing of it she grabbed my hand and took me in there. Everything was so opulent there, all the pretty people working, talking, laughing; humans being humans. She got me her fav drink and asked me how is it. I nodded. 

“What happened to you?” She asked.

“Nothing, I just don’t like it when people are around”. A couple was sitting right next to us. They both were so pretty and talked in some accent I could never understand. Yes, even Helen started to speak in English and I was like... why!!??? 

“Well this is my kinda place”, She smiled. I just nodded returning a smile and thought no matter how hard I try I can never fit with her. I am just too damaged for her. Since day one I knew she’ll break my heart yet I just let her. 

The clock hit 4:30 and we knew it is time to go. We clicked some pictures, where ofc I feared not looking good but I got a decent one finally. Outside the mall, under the clear sky when sunrays fell on her she seemed a bit irritated so I wondered what is happening. She told me she is allergic to sun rays; she cannot look at the sun directly or else she’d start sneezing. And me, out of my complete innocence asked her how. She looked at the sun and sneezed. 

“OMG! You people have such cute allergies”, I was flattered just by her allergies. I mean in my life I have seen allergies to food, drinks, or some kind of smell but, this was so different. So from then on when we walked I tried to cover her face so she does not get under direct sun exposure. I leaned a bit forward or I would put my hand to cover her face. I wanted to protect her and keep her like a child trying to protect their favorite toy. 

In the metro, when it was time to say goodbye I could feel my heart skipping a  beat; it wants what it wants. I suck at goodbyes, but I am so glad I was with someone who makes goodbye so hard. I hated it when the metro reached the platform so quick. Generally, it takes 4-8 minutes but no, not today. We talked for a while about how amazing today was then she gave me the goodbye hug and this time it was a Lil tight which made me think does it mean something? I was too happy to be bothered by that and I watched her leave. She laughed when I asked can I come with you? but how do I tell her that It tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to her?

Love&Lights

Yushie

[internetreadingpanda]

June 15, 2022

dear moon, my drinking buddy,

I remember how I finished my last letter and so many things have been left unsaid. I did not write, not because I was like too busy or sad or tired, but I was just too happy that I forgot to write. I have been doing good lately. May was a blessing, in that wedding, I talked with Kizzie whole night around the mandap. I want to brief you every detail but that would take me a whole night. While leaving Pune, I was feeling devastated; as if my world is falling apart because I’d never get to see her again. But you know life is beautiful and it’s terrible at the same time. As I reached home, the first thing happened was a fight between my elder brother and my father. My elder brother threw tea over my father and it got all ugly followed by curses and abuses on our own blood. I think my brother is mentally ill, he needs help. He is short tempered, has this rage he himself could not handle, he does not understand simple things easily, overreact, I have started to kinda disliking him. He recently got a job of a watchman in a building. It is just his first month and he wants to quit. Looking at my family’s financial crises, I am scared we gonna lose it. 

At the same time some good things are taking place as well. After few days of getting back from Pune I went on a DATE!!!!! Can you imagine!!? I, Yushie, this dumbass, went out with a girl. It was not a romantic kinda date tho. We have known each other from 2 years, and I used to like her a lot, like hell lot. It has a different story of its own, how she had a boyfriend then who dumped her and he was very possessive for her; he was at the same time looked like a greek god so I was like so fuckin’ insecure and I started kind of hating myself for not being like him. Later that guy made her block me because he thought I and her have going on something (such a moron, I tell you). However, that is past, and now when I look back at it, I think that all happened for good cuz she never went out with that guy but she’s been on a cute date with me. She is an year younger than me and it is really hard to understand her. I don’t  think she is ever going to date me or maybe anyone. I am gonna name her Kayush because that is what she calls ‘US’ when we are together. 

Before Pune, I asked her out for a movie and back then she used to show like no interest in going out so I had zero hopes but when I asked her she sounded interested. She told me she has her exams going on and she could go out when she is done with her exams. Her exams ended on 18 and on 19 I had my flight that is why we could not go and I was so desperate to meet her that I started feeling awful and cursing my destiny and why things are always like this with me. I got scared that I will never go out with anyone and that is genuine, c’mon I’ve had 3 dates that got cancelled because of some dumb reason before this. I lost all my hopes. 

But you know what, life has not been that bad with me lately. For the first time I saw ups. She put a story with a guy, it was them going out. She looked so hot, I tell you, I wanted to see her in that outfit. I sent that story to Ashu and just ranted for a while hoe she made a fool of me. Actually I thought she would only go out like once in a month because her parents are kinda strict and now that she has been out she will never go with me. Oh god, I really don’t know her!  I wanted to yell at her and ask her what is the problem with me, why nobody wants to spend time with me but that would be very childish. So instead, I asked her how was it, she told me everything and later asked me so when are we going out? To tell you the truth, I got actually happy and thew my phone but at the same time I was scared, considering I have never been out with any girl before and it is the only thing I desired in that moment. I straight up called Ashu and told him about it. Asked him what am I gonna wear. He lent me his flannel shirt (thank you so much Ashu, thank you. I would literally die for you). There was another problem as well, I did not have enough money so I needed to borrow some but I have had asked enough people during my exams and none of them have. Deepak has got new job and I told me a week ago he is getting his salary in few days. So yeah, he gave me a thousand rupees and I was all set for the date. 

Kayush thinks I live in sector 5 and I don’t want her to know that I have shifted because that way she would find out my dad is not a govt employ since RKP is a govt residency. She asked me to meet at sec 4 metro. I took auto from my place to the metro and I was kinda conscious of her seeing me getting off the auto and considering sec 5 is so near she would defenitly think why am I in an auto. The thing I was scared of, actually happened but I am glad she did not notice or even if she did she did not care. I get off from the auto and saw a girl in a pink dress with some white as well and she had told she is going to wear pink. Despite that the first thought that crossed my mind was THIS GIRL LOOKS LIKE Cezzane and then the second thought was she might be Kayush looking at the colour of the dress. I don’t know if she looked at me, the only glimpse I have of that moment is she going down stairs in the metro station. Standing at the entrance of the metro I texted her where you at. As the message got dilever I saw that girl downstairs taking out  her phone and I kind of got aware she is Kayush and yes she was. She waved at me and I waved back at her. I was shivering for real!!! I did not know what to say. She was wearing a mask so I could see her eyes only  and that’s the first thing I noticed. I was getting this urge to ask her for showing her face I could not resist that desire to see what is beneath that mask and what pretty face hold those charming eyes. As I went upto her, she started to jump out of excitement and I did find that very childish but super cute. I kind of got awkward because of that. After shaking hands the first thing she said was, “you look so good” and through the tone of her voice I can tell you she meant it. I got all blushy blushy that I did not even say thank you. Here I should tell you about how she is in person. The thing I love about her is her witty humor. She is one of those people who don’t have to do anything to be funny they are just built like that. She is like daughter of pheebs and chandler (if they had any) both funny and weirdly cute. She is confusing too you would not know when she is kidding and when she is serious; perhaps she is never serious, she is just less jokey. Her humor is like, she would tell you a serious incident and add something weird to its ending out od nowhere. Like she was telling me about how she was friend with this girl in KG and that girl was very rich and they would play kitchen set together and all of a sudden she went like that bitch would still my cylinder from the kitchen set every time; she said that with straight face. idk if you find this funny but it was the best  joke I heard in that moment. 

First we went to a cafe in Champa Gali, the same cafe I had been to at Cezzane's b’day. Kayush chose it, I did not. The first thing she clarified was we cannot date because we have this age difference and she has this brotherly crush on me. Now please tell tf is brotherly crush??!! Secondly, she is only one year younger so how is there a huge age difference?? From all this I came to a conclusion that she does not want to date me. I don’t want to spoil my brain and damage my nerves by thinking WHY? I am just happy this way. Even I am too scared of commitment. So I just accepted this and now we are good friends. 

The toughest and most embarassing part of the date was ordering food and paying the bill. I did not even know how do we call the waiter to take our order and that is after seeing 100s of youtube video on first date impression. We played Jinga for a while so that waiter would get up to us on his own but I guess he thought we didn’t want to order yet. While playing I was not losing so she pushed the table to make it fall lmao.... she is actually so cute. 

She kept on saying, “i am hungry!” since the begining of our date. Considering that I gathered myself up and looked at the waiter and fortunately he looked back too, so I gestured him to take the order. Basically, I fucked at the part where you have to tell the waiter what you want. on the other hand she was so smooth and why would not she be. She has been to way more expensive restaurants many times. She, very confidently, asked the waiter if the pasta has white sause and she also demanded to add extra bread. And when the ball got into my court, I was just baffled, completely  blank like a two years old who does not know how to even speak. I somehow managed to utter few words and I ordered cold coffe. He asked which one and me, the  illiterate fella, did not even know about types of coffees, I still have no idea though. The only name crossed my mind was, Latte so he said “sir the milk won’t be thick” and I murmured “that’s fine”. He also asked if I want mojito and I was like why he cares and how does he think that I’ll have mojito and Coffee together. 

In the mean time, we talked, mainly she talked, I listened to her and I thought it must have bored her but later she told “me you are a good listener and I like that”. Now when I am trying to think about what we talked nothing is coming to my mind which surely proves I am not a good listener because the one who listens, remembers what he listened and I was just admiring her face. I traced every inch of her face with my eyes. She is so pretty and has fair complexion, I look so dark in front of her. What I loved about hanging out with her is how people were looking at us and I am sure they must be thinking something. I love that feeling, to be a stranger’s center of attention even if it is for a fleeting moment. 

We went to the mall from that cafe and she pushed me into random stores and she looked at all those stuff with, you know, fascination. She told me how she would have bought all of this if she had enough money and I got kind of upset because I don’t have any. I mean, c’mon, I want to buy you that too because I know how it feels and I am sure if she was with her parents they would have definitely bought her all these stuff while I just could not and at the same time thinking this way is a bit childish too like I am a 17 years old too. I am not supposed to buy my girl expensive stuff... or am I? *looks suspiciously* 

I got sort of a idea on what happens when you go out for shopping with a girl although we did not shop anything. We sat in the food court without ordering any food until the staff asked us are we done and we left laughing because us and the staff both knew the fact that we did not have anything. In the food court, I kept on looking at her, the awkward phase was somehow gone, I was again admiring her beauty and she asked why you looking at me like that? I wanted to ask her like what and I knew what she meant, why was I looking at her, smiling, like I do but how can I look at her and not smile. I wanted to tell her right here, I am trying to capture every ounce of you because I have no idea when will I get the next chance to see you. You have made this day so much better that I do not want to forget it. She asked me how I feel for her but I just could not tell her but I want her to know, in this moment I belong to her. I want her to know how everything seems blur and so slow except you; how you have made me realize that the earth is spinning but we are not, we are still and you are looking at me and I at you. In this moment, with you, all my miseries seem as if they are far away, so far that, to me, they are a dot right now but when you leave, I am the center of that dot. 

Love&Lights 

Yushie

[internetreadingpanda]

May 24, 2022

dear moon,

I’m sorry for not writing to you regularly, It is just that, these days I feel too tired all the time to even speak to somebody. But today I’m gonna update you all the chaos I’ve had to deal with this month.

Last weak was such a blessing. It was my Chachu’s wedding on 21 and it was a destination wedding. I hate my dad side of family. They all are mean and dumb and the worst part is that they don’t know that and they think they are very superior. They hate to see anyone happy and they bitch about them behind their backs and sugar coat themselves in front of others. They don’t even like us; from the start of the trip they were not talking to feminist (my mom) at all. They avoided us only because we are not financially that strong and samjhdaar aadmi (my dad) is in their debt. But my Chachu is really sweet, he himself welcomed everybody. Even his sisters (my buas) were so gracious. It is only because of them I could survive three days there. 

The wedding was held in Khandala, Maharastra. It was my first time traveling via plane. I cannot describe in words how amazing it was. The igi airport is so huge and neat. All people were so pretty there and I hate to say this but in some ways I, too, was looking very pretty. I was wearing a black half-sleeves shirt with off white horizontal stripes and black formal pants and shoe. We went for a stroll, clicked pictures, laughed over my relatives and they were burning seeing us this happy. I don’t understand how are they build like that; how they okay with themselves knowing they are reflecting pure hatred for somebody who’s really sweet and kind towards everyone. I don’t think there’s any major sin than this. 

We did all the check in and boarding stuff. Went inside the plane and it was so cold in there. The air hostess wasn’t that pretty (because we were flying via air asia, cheap airline but nvm) she seemed mean. Feminist got the window seat and I was in the middle, beside me was engineer (my elder brother). As the plane took off I felt some sudden rush inside my stomach and sorta ache in my heart. I felt like I am falling but this thing is keeping me in the air. I couldn’t stop looking out of the window, for a moment I forgot about wedding and shits and even about my terrible terrible life. It was just me, clouds and fear of falling into it.

They told us we will land in two hours but we reached Pune airport in one and a half and I was like “pura paisa liya hai toh pura ghuma na”.  Chachu has booked an traveler mini bus to take us from the airport to the resort which is another 2 hours of travel. So we finally reached the resort at 8 p.m. and we had no idea they’ve booked a whole resort for the stay and the wedding. I mean c’mon, I had no such expectations from my relatives. It was really expensive and amazing.

Chachu and her family was already there to welcome us. And there in that moment, I saw HER.  Yes guys, even in this letter there’s going to be a HER who made the trip worth all the hardships. I cannot tell you her name obv, so we gotta name her something. Okay. We gonna call her kizzie because she made me feel like  Manny from dil bechara. She’s so appealing, I tell you, she mad my heart skip a beat. Her lips are thin and she got the most attractive pair of eyes. I wanted to tell her her eyes are pretty but I was afraid she’d say “thanks, they don’t work” cuz she got glasses. I remembered I saw her last time at the ring ceremony in Ghaziabad but today she’s looking even more pretty. Back then I thought she’s from the bride’s side, its today that I found out she’s my cousin. Daughter of one of my Buas. She was not even looking at me; neither she looked at me at the ring ceremony. 

Priyanka bua showed us our room and briefed us about the key and locking system. The room was like heaven for somebody like me who lives in a grotty flat. It has, air conditioner, neat bathroom, minimal setup, a hell lot of space along with dressing tables. The mattress was so comfy I thought how would it feel to have sex over it. 

The family dinner was set to be at 9 p.m. Other relatives called us over. I was in shorts because I had no idea it is a resort and there will be other people too and my Bua has planned a dance night. In the dinner hall, I and engineer was feeling so left out. There was no one of our age and obv they all hate us. While having dinner I kept on looking at her. I don’t think she noticed me. 

After dinner I went to play with two of my cousins, they are 12yo and totally dumb. One thing I realised and that is, I cannot have fun with kids. I am too bossy and I couldn’t command them like they are my slaves because obv they’d tell their parents. They gave me a sort of tour of that whole place and it is then when I realised this shit is really expensive and something that I dream of. Also, it wasn’t like a tour, I just followed them wherever they went. 

As I told you, Buas are very sweet and even flirtatious at times. I wanted to spend time with them. I went to the pool side, where there was music and all the ladies were gossiping. Priyanka bua came upto and put her arm over my shoulder and said “you look like a person who enjoys these gatherings and dances really well”. I told her i never danced before but she pulled me to the floor anyway. At first, it was so awkward. These girls were literally killing it and I was looking like a fuckin robo. Later, I told her can you teach me your ways and the other Bua was like c’mon you are so young you were supposed to teach us. And I, in a very childish way said, “ i’m so young that i am unaware of everything, please teach me how to do it.” They all laughed along with HER, yes she was there. Then I tried to match with their moves and it was so fun I couldn’t stop smiling. I loved how Bua was dancing looking at me with  flirtatious smile of hers. I was actually so flattered. Sadly, Kizzie did not look at me, I mean she did but not when a song came whose steps require some gestures towards a partner. But yes, I caught her looking at me a few times. I wonder what she’d been thinking in that moment. They all laughed when I did some thumkas along with Priyanka Bua and I also did that spin thing with Bua and Kizzie made a video of it. 

Next day was the wedding day, i’ll tell you about it in the next letter.

love&lights

yushie

[internetreadingpanda]

March 30, 2022

dear moon, my drinking buddy,

I was at Ashu's place for a sleepover and the best part was it wasn't planned at all. Ashu is stuck in a terrible love triangle, he wanted to talk to me so he called me over on Monday. His landlord has 3 sons Sahil, Masoom and Tannu and we all became friends the first time I'd met them. I never feel it's not my home his family welcomes me with whole heart.

He took me to the room on the first floor where him and his elder brother Raja were sleeping. They haven't slept last night and Bua was so mad at them that they were avoiding her since morning. Later that afternoon, Sahil and Masoom joined us, we played Uno later followed by Rummy then danced like lunatics. The best thing about playing Rummy was only I and Ashu knew hot play it but Sahil wasn't accepting that he doesn't. Whenever I was telling them a move Sahil went like, "Yes, yes, i know that's what I was saying". God, we couldn't stop laughing. Even tho I don't know his friends that well I love how nothing is awkward between us.

After playing cards I told Ashu I'm craving for Momos so I, Ashu and Sahil went to the market. I didn't want Sahil to join us because we wanted to talk about Shristi. Shristi is Sahil's girlfriend but Ashu loves her (this is the love triangle I told you about) and Shristi is aware of it, even few days ago she told Ashu she wants to end this with Sahil and Ashu was so happy but the next day they are together again. Ashu is feeling ridiculous, because he spends a big part of his day with Shristi's boyfriend, he has to laugh intentionally in front of Sahil when he talks about Shristi. Oh poor Ashu.

In the evening I and Ashu went to smoke. No, we ain't smokera we just smoke on occasions, basically we smoke when we are sad. We only do mouth puffing. We went for a walk with cigarette between our lips, talked about how Shristi has ruined his life; how he is in so much pain and how "pain demands to be felt" (from tfios).

Sahil's dad gets drunk daily and sleeps at around 10pm, and as he sleeps they take his bike and go for a ride. Ashu wanted to get high, he proposed, we should get drunk. I, too, wants to experience how it feels so I said yes. Late at night I, Sahil and Ashu went to 24seven store to get beer. On the way to the store, we crossed Cezzane's home and the Gurudwara where we met for the first time and man, it was damn nostalgic, not only for me but for Ashu as well. Sahil asked me to call her and I told him she sleeps around 9p. so Ashu said why not we take a snap of Gurdwara so she'd know we were here this late. Yes, this idea is so ridiculous but I'm a pathetic man, under the pressure of my peers I did that. For taking the snap we had to drive through the road of her colony and the guard was giving us damn suspicious looks but when I clicked the snap, god knows what happened it wasn't showing the location. We stopped on the opposite road and now 3 teenaged boys standing roadside sharing hotspot and trying to solve the glitch but end of all we had to delete the snap and again we went to her colony and this time it was all how we planned. It's when we reached the store realised they don't have alcohol. Ashu couldn't get inside the store because he didn't have face mask. I and Sahil chose the non-alcoholic drinks that tastes like beer. When we reached home, I took a sip and damn man, it tasted so awful. I couldn't drink it, it was all waste of money. It's 1 am and 4 boys fighting over what ridiculous drinks we've bought. Ashu decided we'll once again go to the store and this time we'll get champagne and Raja bhaiya will come too because he's damn a professional in the matter of drugs. On our way I checked my phone and I you won't believe what I saw, Cezzane had opened my snaps, I told Ashu about this and they laughed so hard on my tragedy and I, cried over how pathetic this life has turned out to be. Sah again pushed me to call her but I denied, it's when Ashu told me to do so I asked Raja bhaiya if I should and he said she already doesn't give two fuck so why not trying this thing too. And then what happened changed my life. No, obviously not in a good way, I called her, my heart throbbing, her images crossing my mind and it turned out to be she's on another call. They all went like, Man down, I repeat, our man down. And yes, it was all like as I've been hit by a bullet or it would have been better if i was shot by a bullet.

We brought A champagne and I asked Raja bhaiya will it make me High? I want to get drunk, I want to forget what just happened or I want to feel every single ounce of what has happened since I've met her. I wanted to rewind every moment I'd been with her. He told me, "no but if you'd like to get high I've another option. You can smoke a cigarette." I explained how I smoke but yet i don't know how to. Then he told me I'll teach you just do as i say. We bought champagne, ciggerate and something to eat.

The city is quite this late, you can see gay men selling themselves on road and police questioning them, Loaded trucks moving towards their destination with sleepy eyes, drunk drivers and 4 teenagers, with heartache and piece of universe that is inside each of us riding back home. We'd to turn the engine of the bike and pushed it inside the house to park, slowly and silently so that his dad wouldn't get up.

We went to the room and found Masoom playing Pubg, we drank and it tasted like grapes. I wasn't high at all. Then Raja bhaiya told us to smoke on the terrace because the smell might take hours to fade away. We climbed stairs to terrace, slowly, without making any sound. We lit ciggerates and started clicking pictures, it was so dark that Ashu couldn't see which end is hi lighting and ended up burning the tale of his cigarette. Raja bhaiya gave me a ciggerate and told me take a deep drag and feel it to the lungs and exhale it while relaxing the whole body. As I did so I coughed so, so bad. He patted my back saying, "As expected, you'd do better after 2-3 attempts". Ashu was looking at me and he did the same but in his case, he puked right there, I and Sahil couldn't stop laughing and so was he. We learnt how to smoke, the way Raja bhaiya taught was amazing, it hit really hard and after 4 ciggerates it was hard for me to walk properly, I realised why people smoke how it relieves stress. He told me to lean your back against the wall and then smoke. That way it even better. While all this was going on Sahil kept on acting like a pro as if he's a chain smoker. If you were there you'd have died laughing. From then on I started calling him "Sab-Pata-Hai" which means "he who knows everything" because he kept on repeating that whenever Raja bhaiya told us something.

After 6 cigarettes, lunatic laughs and heart broken shayaris we left with last 4 ciggerates. Raja bhaiya took us to the room so we could relax and have our last ones properly. I was lying on the bed in between Raja And Ashu, saadgi to humari Zara dekhiye playing in the background. Raja bhaiya saying, close your eyes, feel it to the core of your body, don't think about anything don't even feel the ciggerate between in your fingers but smoke through your lungs. On his second last drag of his last ciggerate Ashu rushed to the toilet and he puked, again. I laughed damn hard while Raja Bhaiya followed him to check if he's okay. And he was fine; he came out laughing. My ciggerate is finished too and so I the desire to smoke again. My head ached and i strolled inside the room and then we talked whole night about girls Raja bhaiya has been with. He's a player, he gave me accounts of two girls he has slept with. He taught me how to approach a girl and even while we were talking about all this all i could think of is Cezzane, how can I get her again. Vodka must be easier to swallow than the fact that she's not coming back.

We talked until 5 am, then I and Ashu went to terrace to check if any evidence is left and it was all clean. We spent the next one and a half our there talking about life while sitting on the floor. Now it's 6 am, street lights have been turned off, surrounding is enlightened by the rising sun. You could see women doing daily chores on other buildings and men in their nightwear going for a walk. I told him how our brain replays our whole life when we die for 7 minutes and how amazing it would be to see Cezzane again and feel her presence all over again. In this life i can never see her for the first time because that has already happened but what if in those 7 minutes it feels exactly like reality? As if she's again in front of me in that yellow dress emerging from the entrance of that Gurdwara, peeking inside and I don't know it's happening again. I'd love to die to feel this. She's half of my soul.

"There is no such thing as half of my soul." He says.

"Why?"

"You know, how can she be my half of my soul when she's ruined me", He's again frustrated with life.

"I guess, the quote says 'He' is half of my soul and not 'She'. Let it remain he" I replied.

"What do you mean?" He's confused.

I looked at him gesturing my hand towards him and said, "He's half of my soul, as the poets say."

He smiled and looked away and that's how I got another memory I'll be damned to rethink when I'm alone in my 60s when these people, this place, and even this time is not the same anymore.

Love&Lights,

Yushie♡

[internetreadingpanda]

March 16, 2022

dear moon,

One year ago on today's date I'd met Cezzane for the first time. In the evening, I'd been reading our chats, i scrolled till the beginning. I read how she replied to one of my stories of her response to my question sticker. How I had no idea she would become this important to me and how loving her will ruin me; in a way I ruined me. She'd messaged me that she has some books she's already read and she cannot just throw them away so if i want some she could give me. And I said YES. On 16th of March I and Ashu had to visit Zomato headquarter to know about if they have any vaccancy for a delivery guy. On my way to Saket (where Ashu resides) I got message from Cezzane asking when are you planning to come to Saket? I told her now and she got amused then I called Ashu, I told we gotta meet this girl. At first, he didn't believe me but then I showed him messages. I had not told him earlier about this girl because... I never thought I should, I mean, she was just a normal girl, we hadn't even talked much. I didn't have feelings for her and that's what makes this whole process of falling in love beautiful. You are standing on a cliff thinking I might fall and then there is this little hope telling you what if you fly?

Her house is near a gurdwara so she is there and I was hella nervous. I kept on checking myself, if I'm looking good, am i smelling bad? How's my hair? And Ashu kept on telling me bro you are amazing don't worry. If something like this happens now I would have asked for their phone number but I'd only thought of getting the books so i didn't even ask for her number. I messaged her that we've arrived. She told us to wait and while we waited I could feel Butterflies in my stomach. Now i would not care about the books but about what would she think of me. And then the moment came she emerged from the LHS of the Gurdwara's entrance, I was already gazing at the door (I guess, so was she) when our eyes met, oh my god she was looking so beautiful in that yellow dress. I couldn't look anywhere except her, for a moment I forgot I'm with Ashu. I walked to her then we shook hands and I introduced myself and Ashu. She handed over her books and she told us, "if you find any love letter in them it doesn't belong to me". Then I asked her if you want to hangout but she said I have my classes and then I said okay let me drop you to your house. We walked, Ashu was behind us. I told her how I didn't know about the Gurudwara but still I figured it out. As we reached her socity's main gate I asked her for her phone number. We exchanged digits and the-usual-goodbye thing happened. I and Ashu were quite till we came out of her locality the all of a sudden Ashu went like bro should ask her for a date she's amazing if you don't want to then please let me. Basically, I and Ashu both were crushing over her so badly. So this was my story and I'll never get tired reciting this to anyone. I will always be thankful of the universe for letting me have this miracle she is, but that's the thing about miracles, they don't last longer. Exactly one year ago I was so happy and energetic now it feels like hell. It is not even totally about her, detachment from her is just a part of my destruction. I regret loosing her but at the same time I believe it was meant to happen because Ashu says, she's perfect, she's the unit of measuring beauty, she's the place where dreams end and her atoms and my atoms were together before all this and when souls like this collide the whole world could end. But how do I tell her I'm willing to destroy the world for her? I also think I cannot regret all this, although, i can be upset, you just cannot regret something that universe has given you after it takes it back because you've never asked for it on the first place. So I'm glad this happened. I re-read our old chats and realised how cheerful i was a year ago, I would flirt with them, crack jokes and they'd appreciate me. Now I, myself, barely even laugh. My sense of humour is shit, I run out of topics. I always wanted to show ppl my vulnerable side so I'd pretend how weak i am but now all that has turned so real. You should never use your problems as your defence machanism because then they'll become 10 times real. I want my happy self back. The self Cezzane used to admire. The self who never told Cezzane the truth, who didn't know any single details of her, who had so much to explore in her, but unfortunately that self is in the past.

Love&Lights

Yushie♡

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March 07, 2022

dear moon,

So today’s episode includes Cezzane removing me from her pvt ig account. Few days ago I and Ashu had been talking about how I could impress Cezzane, I’d literally made notes with a heading ‘How to get Cezzane in 30 days’ and then today this happened. My heart is shattered into million pieces, and each piece belongs to her. How am I suppose to heal? I can feel a void in my stomach, some sorta heartache; I don’t know how to describe this but I just want to see her for the last time. I want to confess her what I feel but unfortunately that is not possible. 

I am scared, what if I keep longing for her my whole life; what if in every stranger I look for her and on the other hand, she goes on with her life. Why life has to be like this? This cruel to a weak and rewarding to a brave. There should have been something for the weaker -not pity- something peaceful. 

I don’t understand how somebody can unfriend you from their life. Why they need to do that? I am no harm to you, I sit there and peacefully admire you, what’s wrong with it? OML my heart aches I can’t bear this. I can’t be created for this suffering. 

Love&Lights 

Yushie

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January 27, 2022

dear moon, my drinking buddy,

I’d taken a month (January) off from my cricket academy for exam prep and I enjoyed the break rather than studying hard which I am now regretting cuz the whole syllabus is left, somebody tell me how to not PANIKKK !!! 

My school bestfriend, Rawat came to see me on Tuesday. Actually I had asked him if we could have a coffee and hangout because I have been feeling very lonely since I have dropped cricket practice.

I thought I would feel better with him but it just made the scenario even worse. 

What happened is, apparently, he’s gotten new friends who were (apparently)  my friends from 6th to 8th (well I can’t call them my friends because I was the quiet kid of the class who would never hang out with anyone but I am addressing them here as friends because I don’t want to admit the truth, that way I will burn less) and he met them in 11th; when I dropped the school. He told me there was this continuation party and they all been to it. Right in that moment as I came to know about conti party I got really upset and at the same time I was fuming because he didn’t invite me. I don’t understand why people forget me and I could not. I mean, even Cezzane forgot me. Cezzane had also gone to a conti party before Xmas and I thought she would ask me, I mean, I knew she would not, why would she but you know there is always that little hope which you don’t even want and it never confronts you; it as small as a quark but its there; the hope that never lets you pull the trigger even when you are holding the gun right at your throat; which make you grab the paint brush or a pen instead of a blade. You get it, right? Of course you do.  

Rawat also told me what is going on in his friend group, he likes Srishti, and Satyam, too, likes Srishti but Srishti does not like anyone and that is what Rawat likes about her. Rawat will not try on Srishti anymore because Satyam has been trying on her since 6th grade and according to the great bro code law, Srishti belongs to Satyam (of course Srishti has no idea about the law). Further he told me he’s in trouble because of this and having a friend group sucks and I was like atleast you are getting stories to tell your kids, what else one needs? Look at me I spend my whole day on cricket ground with bunch of boys who doesn’t understand me. I would love to be a part of any friends group and have these troubles, they are so fascinating.  

So I suppose, you must be thinking I am an immature kid who cries over not-being-invited-to-parties, which is apparently true, but it is true because I feel I’ll be left behind in this race and even right now I am so much far behind and I don’t know how to cope up. All those who have been to such parties have something to tell others, what would I tell my people? that I dropped school in 9th and I have not dated anyone since then? that I have no female besties and I don’t know how to talk to girls irl? people who go to parties socialize, they feel less lonely, at least in that moment when they are surrounded they feel less LONELY!!! 

People ask me what is wrong with me and I just want to tell them I have no female friend and I do not mean that boys are useless (well they are) or they are not good at friendship. I just want to feel how it feels to have a female company to who you can express anything, I don’t mean I want to get into their pants, I just want some girl to sit beside me and just.... sit beside me. I’d love to know everything about her and I am not saying all this has to be in a romantic way, no romance; love is ridiculous. However, if I tell all this to anyone, it will be complete childishness. 

Love&Lights

Yuhsie♡

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January 12, 2022

Dear moon, my drinking buddy,

There are cynics and believers and then there are youngsters, who don’t know which category they fall in. I don’t know if I should believe in what they told me in Vaishnodvi temple, whether all these folk tales about gods are true or not. My mum says all these incidents might have taken place but not the way people tell us; they exaggerate. I visited Vaishnodevi temple on 7th of Jan with my academy group, Vipin sir planned the whole tour and I was the who managed all the expenses. 

We had been planning this tour from 2 months and now finally we made it but unfortunately Susu couldn’t. His parents denied at the very last moment saying Omnicron is at its peak and we can’t take any risk. After the trip when I visited his home I could see how sad he was while seeing our tour photos, he wasn’t making eye contact because he was at the verge to cry. Oh poor Susu!! When I got the news of him not joining us for the tour, I, too, didn’t want to go. He is the only friend who understands me and maybe even if he doesn’t, at least he tries. I knew when everyone will make fun of me he’ll be there as silent as me and I can talk to him about how I am feeling without the fear of being judged. 

In Katra (Town in j&k), we arrived at around 9 a.m. We had booked dormitory beds in Trikuta Bhawan by Shrine board.

Sir has been here several times so he has complete knowledge of everything around. He knew more than any tour guide and he was kept telling us about this place and its people and all the folk tales. That place and its people are poetry.

Our 12km climb from katra to vaishnodevi’s bhawan started at 1 p.m and as it began rain welcomed us. I am so thankful of my father for buying me a rain coat that saved my dry ass. Earlier my only concern was the winter of j&k but it didn’t bother me, however, rain did. We all were drenched from head to toe. I thought it’d be very easy to climb walk 12km but trust me it wasn’t at all. We chose stares to save time but those 2000 stairs fucked up our legs. Ashu and Sir were walking bare feet; Sir always does so but Ashu chose this because he wanted to save his shoes from getting drenched (which ofc didn’t workout well). At the end both of their foot got swelled up and may have gotten blisters. I first time in my life saw snow fall when we reached Bhawan and man, I was really happy in that moment.

Oh falling snow, you are like my soul today! My hands and foot were numb and so was my face; I couldn’t move my lips properly while speaking and Ashu told me my skin has gotten a bit fair which made me happy. Some people were looking at me maybe I was looking beautiful idk or maybe they were looking because I was the only one in a proper rain suite. I don’t know, I was in ecstasy there and when I got back I was in complete agony. 

Susu’s father getting half of his salary since the first covid out break and now he is not financially that well which ofcourse everybody understands. Susu had bought 6 cricket balls from Ashu and said he’ll give him the money in a month or two. After getting back from Vaishnodevi we visited Susu’s place (his mom was constantly around us and she was concerned whether we got corona with ourselves or not) so Ashu asked him for his money in front of his Sister which I think he shouldn’t have done and Susu’s sister considered it as a joke and just laughed (thank god). Later, while we were leaving Susu come with us to the main exit gate and their argument got intense and I was worried what if anyone from Susu’s family heard us. I mean we do not argue with a friend over money in front of their house. Ashu’s point was to make Susu ashamed so he would give him his money out of embarrassment or his family would hear us and they would give it to Susu out of the same reason but he does not understand that this would affect the friendship so much. Ashu was in complete rage and when I tried to stop him he snapped me like “I’ll talk to you later on this” and as we left he said “Stop taking his side for his sister’s sake”. The thing about Susu’s sister is I like her just a bit, okay? Just a bit! (She does not now that, no harsh feelings) The fact that I was sad when she was laughing at Ashu’s joke and kept on asking him about the tour and did not say anything to me. Sometimes I think she likes him maybe just a maybe. I and her used to talk on snapchat ( alot), then her exams came so she stopped being active (she’s a nerd)  and now it has been a month since we had a word. Maybe I am one of those souls who are created only to give love they’ll never receive. Anyways, back to the topic, Ashu made me upset and I couldn’t tolerate that rest of the way to his home we barely talked and he asked me what’s wrong and OI didn’t say anything because I know saying anything wouldn’t change him. I want him to acknowledge that his anger is un-fucking-justified, I want him to know that I am tired of his trials where he always claims to be the judge. I want him to understand that not everyone will satisfy his fucking ego and he needs to stop acting like someone who does not understand the reality of this wicked world. 

Love&Lights

Yushie

[internetreadingpanda]

and there are days when you realize what is your reality, who you actually are, all that image you had of yourself is just an image. Those are the days we feel like we were dead. 

[internetreadingpanda]

if there's anything tumblr has taught me it's that this guy named franz kafka was in agony 365 days a year

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us  Franz Kafka, us humesha. 

Franz Kafka, The Diaries of Franz Kafka: 1910-1913

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December 22, 2021

Dear moon, my drinking buddy, 

So I couldn’t get my phone back. Police did not really help, I lodged the FIR but police is too bothered for any help (I don’t even believe in Indian jurisdiction anymore, yes, yes, I am exaggerating). However, by this whole losing my phone thing I came to know about one thing and that is, who are my real friends, I asked few of my friends for help the other day and most of them made some excuses. I mean, this is not what I had been expecting from ppl I was relied on. Yes it was heartbreaking for me *wipes tears.

You know? From the past few days I have been feeling like staying away from my friends, there company does not make me feel happy. Instead they give me stress. I hate it when they make fun of me. And by hate I mean genuine hatred for them. At the same time I feel like it is my Karma. I used  to make fun everyone in my academy and because of that few ppl were really upset. One day this guy, Priyanshu messaged me saying “please stop teasing me during practice, I feel insecure, I don’t even speak to you.” He literary begged me and you know what i did the next day? I told everyone he is such a pussy that he messaged me all this. Now all this thing is happening with me. OH GOD! I shouldn’t have done that. I  genuinely wish to apologize to him but I can’t cuz he has left the academy. Maybe I was one of the reasons, idk.

My home is near the metro station Sir has to get so I and him go daily together after practice. I feel like staying away from him too, sometimes, he, too, teases me and what sometimes, every time he does, he comments about I and  Cezzane, that is the only thing I have no reply for. They say, she must be dating her bestfriend and you got nothing and they talk about intimate details of his and her sexual encounters which is obv a lie but you know how it feels, right? Those instant scenarios that rush into your brain, no matter how absurd they are, they make you feel like shit.  Somewhere, I, too, feel like I am not enough, her bestfriend is so much better and despite being this amazing he could only qualified to be her bestfriend imagine how someone needs to be to become her crush or smth.  The point is I am trying to distance myself from those who hurt me but the problem is these ppl are helping me to achieve my goals and a major part of my life so I just simply can’t drift away cuz it will affect my future. I prefer my own company in many ways, it gives me time to think (procrastinate), think about how everyone else has gotten something that I-am-working-really-hard-to-get so easily. I work at a nursery so I can get comfortable life, like, good clothes, to buy skincare products, hang out on amazing places etc. Basically, I compare myself with other kids. I just think if  Cezzane or her bestfriend wants any new pair of shoes they just go to their parents and ask for it. They don’t have to get a part time job for merely clothing expanses. While on the other hand I gotta work my butt off in that mud for a month. What I am saying is, my life is hell and theirs is heaven but they don’t care. I am dying to have a life like them. Ironic, isn’t it? Ashu says, if I were rich I would’ve got her. Being rich is so fascinating.

Presently, idk what’s going on in my life. I feel tired mostly. Maybe every teenager feels this way and the worst parts is we all gonna miss this, this pain of being young. 

Love&Lights

Yushie

[internetreadingpanda]

Just let me be with someone who wants to sit down and look at the stars while listening to great songs together.. im too terrified of love yet i want something real so bad :(