intothesilent

[intothesilent]

Born

I always scared when it comes to life. I never know what it feels like and I do not want to life. I never want to life or born in this world. I do not want to. I do not want to exist in this world. The world that I never know it is exist. The empty kind of world I never be. I do not want to be born in this world. I never want to be exist in here. I never want to have this kind of life. I do not want to be born. My religion told us that each of us were asked if we want to be born and every human that is exist in this world once said yes. I do not know why I answered yes in the first place. Why I want to be born? Why I want feel this pain? Why? I am such a fool, or maybe they do not show the whole picture of earth and life we live in? Why I want to live in this kind of world? and feel the pain like the way I feel?

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I love when it rain. Please keep it rain.

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you should try to live in my mind one day it is a god damn maze there. I never know where the way out I never know what the truth are Hopefully you could know. What it feels like

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I knew since I was in elementary school there is something wrong with me. I dont know how or why but there I feel lost and isolated from whole world. I remember I felt like I dont belong in this world There is nothing good will come to my life. I felt like I all alone the anxiety, panick attack, depression, took me over since that day. I never told this to anyone, because I think this is a weakness. and everyone will think how such a loser I am. I remember there is something terribly wrong with me. when since I was a child I wanted to end my life. the peak when I was in college. I told to myself, I need help immediatly, because I feel like the emotion seems to burst of my chest, and my mind has reach the line, I felt like I was insane. I took the chance to went to the student central health met with several psychologists, but I ended up it soon, because I felt like a loser and a crazy person. Who will go to such place? how if my friends know if I go to such place? How if I am labelled as a crazy person? am I crazy? am I weak? and the depression and panick attack soon getting worse. .......... I remember when my college had a trip to Lampung and I have to go for 2 weeks. I have to leave my sacred place, my comfort zone which was home. I was crying on my way from home, I wanted my parents to accompany me till I am in train to gather in the faculty. but when I arrived, I absolutely show nothing in front my friends. they just think I am alright, which definetly not at all! I did have a fever during my 2 weeks visit. That is show me how the mental and psychic is related!

during that time I always crying in room and

[intothesilent]

Leave Me Alone

I hate people and wish never meet them. I just want to be alone and mind my own business. I just want to be alone without meet other people. I do not need another people. I hate them. They are bad person and I absolutely hate them. All the answers and all the words come out from them. I hate it so much. I do not want people bother me, because I do not want to hear what they are saying. I do not need it, another drama in my life. I hate the way they walk and talk I just hate them, the way they rolling their eyes and the way the talk behind my back. I just hate it. I do not want it. Please go away you people. I just want to be alone.

[intothesilent]

dvsn: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

One of the underestimated musician with an amazing talent!!! Please do listen to them for a while and you feel like your ears are blessed!

[intothesilent]

self harm

why it is easier for me to do self harm? it is like the great and good feeling come after it. I want to cut it due to I am kind of deserve it. I want it, I want to cut myself I need it actually. it reminds me that I am exist and I am pay my debt or whatever the bad things I did with my blood and pain. Like I am deserve it. I see it as one of tools to express my emotion and channel it to something. IF it is hard to express than I will throw things and break things, even hit someone I love. With cut myself I just did it to myself, just hurt myself.

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Please tell my mom and my dad. I love them and I am sorry that I am a bad daughter for them. I love you mom and dad, I am so sorry. I am sorry teh and geral this is not your fault, this is my fault this is my choice, tell acel I love her so much, she is perfect. I am sorry this is not your fault this is my fault and my choice

I am sorry I am not good enough I am sorry I am not strong and brave enough

[intothesilent]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

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the demon inside me, I can not explain it

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[intothesilent]

menyerah

Saat yang kau perlukan adalah dukungan dan bantuan, saat yang kau perlukan adalah pelukan saat yang kau perlukan adalah untuk dipahami dan bukan dinilai namun saat semua itu tidak ada, kau mempertanyakan lagi apa artimu untuk dunia ini dunia ini jelas akan lebih baik tanpamu dan isinya, bagian kalian yang nanti mempertanyakan keputusanku niatku untuk menyakiti diriku sendiri, aku hanya berdoa agar kalian atau teman terdekat kalian tidak merasakan hal yang aku rasakan, karena kalian tidak akan tahu rasanya hidup dalam pikiran yang tidak mau membiarkanmu sendiri, pikiran yang dirimu tidak memiliki kendali di dalamnya. Aku harap kalian tidak mengalami hal yang kurasakan selama ini. Tolong jangan mempertanyakan keputusanku dan alasanku, karena kalian tidak tahu rasanya, karena kalian tidak akan pernah mengerti, aku sudah lelah dengan dunia ini dan semua isinya, aku hanya ingin menghilang dan tak kembali, aku hanya ingin pergi, maafkan aku dunia, aku lelah dan menyerah,

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I want just to gone and never be born. Why I have to be born? I do not want to be born.

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I thought you were different But, I was wrong again...

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Fell into the same mistake

I think I am not deserved to be loved, it is hard not to pour all your feeling to seomeone matter to you. I jump without safety net. I bruise easily. My friend always said that I loved too much, and when it is hurt, it will hurt a lot and destroy my heart and trust. And once again they are right. That is why I do not want to love again. I try to get used to be alone. Try to be independet, because I could not handle myself and never trust anyone. When I opened it again, it hurted me again. I do not want to make myself hurt anymore, I will build the wall so high this time. This time I would not let anyone to climb or open it. This time I would not let anyone play me again. This time I wouln not let my heart hurt again. I pray to God, please I do not want to feel like this anymore it hurts so much, I do not want to feel like this anymore, I do not want to love anymore. Please God, take my ability to love again, make me a cold heart person. I do not want to feel hurt anymore, I am tired. Please take it away from me

[intothesilent]

The way I feel

The tears from my eyes, I have cried for 6 hours now. My eyes started to turn red and it was hurt. I think of you all the time, I could not sleep, I could not think of anything. I do not know about you. The thoughts of love without any answer, the love that I only feel by myself is killing me. I do not want to feel like that anymore. It is hurt, I have hurt my drive, I closed all the doors and built the right pieces to the left, the only pieces left. When you came, it seemed impossible, but my heart knew you could be the one, but I didn't believe it especially the conditions about you. I have warned you, I am not like you expected, not kind and wise like you saw me. I am vulnerable and weird, my soul is dark, the other side of the coin I never show to anyone except you. I warned you that I am difficult, I am scared to be left, I am broken to pieces inside, it is hard to trust someone, if I love you I will give you everything, I pour my soul to your cup until it full. I am broken, thinking too much, hurt, difficult, too emotional, sensitive, vulnerable, weird, and crazy. You name it I know it. I know every single flaw I have, I think about it all the time, you don't have to point me to my flaws, I know it. You don't have to give me a way to do it, you don't have to fight to fight my demon. It is a battle that I have to face by myself, I just need you to hold my hand while I face the demon to give me strength. That is why I want to do, nothing else, just keep my hand and me, while I fight the demon inside me. I just want to cry and scream out loud every single emotion until it explodes and gone. I want to scream out loud that is it. I just want to feel your arms, I just want to feel your warmth, I just need that, I don't want you to give me advice or anything else, just with your arms and that is enough for me to make me brave and strong to face the demon and monster. I used to be like that, you used to support me with your love, but now you are different, you judge me and me at me. I know every single thing I need to do, but you know my mind inside, it is hard to think clearly, just need to express my emotion and empty it before thinking clear. I only want to do the hug and kiss, like the way we used to. I do not know why you easily mad and anger nowadays. I don't want someone to feel or face the way I feel now, because it will be horrible, I do not Everyone wants to live life like hell in the earth, every day for me to fight and kill everyone around me. the voices inside my head who told me to cut and hurt because I deserve it, I am dirty and guilty and bad.