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invisible-allover-blog · 7 years ago

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hospital - “the horrible” i call it.

I was in shock unable to breathe and noone attended to me, it was really frightening. The nurses were literally cracking up laughing at what seemed to be nothing, maybe they were onn fucked up drugs themselves. one nurse jabbed me with a needle in each leg and i couldnt move after that. before hand i did hallucinate and i also smoked too many cigerettes. I have done some bad shit in the past, but i think karma got to me. I personally forgive myself because if noone else can, i have to. In the end you only have yourself. Families seperate, grow, change and become different people. Some tragedys happen and thats that. Im worried about my mother. Shes been in and ouot of doctor appointments about her bladder. The staff better treat her fucking well i swear, something needs to change in hospitals there has to be more compassion i dont care how many incidents and accidents occur but a nurs should. i mean actually if i was a nurse i would care and have so much compassion. Through mental health after the shock incident i was treated by an older asian woman she wrappd me up in blankets gave me water and treated me lik a human being. I forget her name but she was honestly at that time an angel to me. She was really kind and really knew what was going on. the rest of the staff were pretty cool too, they wrent abusive but i could tell the good ones from the bad ones. i could tell who had good intentions and who didnt. I almost fell inlove with two of the staff they were decent people, liked to have a laugh.. but in the state i was in there i couldnt have a laugh, so in hindsight they were okay people. A few nurses with bad intentions were there, i say that with confidents because it was fucking obvious. Anyway, noone reads this i mention yet again but im out of words to say today im going to get back into writing tomorrow. Ciao. <3

#horrible

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invisible-allover-blog · 7 years ago

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Re: lyrica

So my monday night has resorted to taking the lyrica my neighbour has given me, I had no idea it could cause hallucinations. FUCK. i hope it doesnt.. if it does ill handle because ive built up a pretty good constitution. literally built it up wasnt born with it. Im just waiting for it to kick in at the same time wanting more. and also wanting to go to hungry jacks? should i just go for it and eat a whopper or what? im trying to lose weight so im thinking no, but also thinking is my new card number attatched to my uber eats... i could walk to maccas hold up. im going to check how far the walk is. the walking could help reduce the weight gain from a quatre pounder. Scattered brain here. bare with me. My phone is taking too long to charge. And i want to look up maccas walking distance. have i decided to take the path of recklessness. Have i? or was it dealt to me? maybe i should flip a coin. uhhhhhh! fuck it, that uhh reminds me of some bitch i dont even know, i dont make sense. Okay calming down, can feel tension in my back reducing. and jitters subsiding. might take another one. Wait no dont do that. Ha-ha. My typing sounds mental and irratic im actually calm. How confusing for a reader of this... no ones going to be reading it though. i just post this on tumblr, where the popular posts are either anime soft porn or good hair.

theres also a cerepax sitting up there on the telly stand i could take that, but i dont think thats a good idea. I dont WANT to be a drug addict, i dont want to grow old alone and i definetly dont want to live in squaller. if thats a word, cool. i feel like i seriously need a chyropractor my backs fucked.

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invisible-allover-blog · 7 years ago

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lyrica

so today im thinking of writing and only because i have no internet at the moment. its amazing how much the internet controls our day to day livs. I feel less productive when in hindsight im more productive given that theres no music, films netflix to indulge in. I just had a neighbour offer me a strong painkiller and i said no.. hmm. Should i have taken it? i mean im feeling good so no. No i shouldnt be taking it. its called lyrica ive had it before, unfortunately i love my painkillers. Fortunately im strong enough to say no. Its like floating on a cloud with a stomach bug. Im seriously considering going up now and asking for one. Ill just keep typing my useless day into this notepad generic bullshit word doc type thing. i wish i could write code id love to make a cool website and have people come and check it out, that'd be pretty cool. so today i scrounged around the house for $1 just for a slurpee... my new addiction. i had to scrounge because i went out on friday night and lost my fucking wallet. such a bummer. i had my passport bank cards numerous opal cards and it was new, i also had a mental health crisis card in there. id insert an emoji but notepad doesnt have that... i dont think it even has windigs. if my wallet was stolen the culprit had 3 valiums in there too. i was going to sell them, $5 a pop. But no, i lost them. I dont even know how i got home friday night but thank god i did. How the fuck do we humans do it, get so sloshed we cant walk but end up home tucked into bed with the whole fridges contents poured onto the kitchen bench. a feast i want to forget, im pretty sure i ate off hummus dip, stale lebanese bread and the month old butter. Anyway, i lost my wallet and i went out friday its sunday now and im still not over it. i was proud of myself adulting and using my wallet to adult with. Now im back to cardless cash begging parents for money and no way to get on a train to dads. I just want to pick up my GHD from there. I need my fucking GHD, i have an appointment with a job agency tomorrow and i dont want to look like a messy ball of trash. MY neighbour matt just told me about his acid trip, now i know why the vibes are so intense when i see him. I feed off those vibes, if youre on drugs im on drugs. I think thats why i like to be on my own, in my own bubble, my own feels/vibes/aura whatver the fuck you want to call it. By the way im having internet withdrawals. Not social media though, i dont even like facebook. Or instagram, i dont have a nikon d603852-86402=3403094302-5 to use to make myself look spot on and carefree whilst the photo probably took about 600 shots to get, for what a couple of likes and a "follow" im psychotic at times and i dont think the sound of being followed quite agrees with my mental state. Jubalubgily has followed you. okay juba.. sweet thanks. i dont even know you and im not going to be asked to sponsor anything soon. so uhh fuck off. I dont look at fitspo and think yeah ill go for a run and look like that because no i wont, i will not have thighs that shake the ground my ass isnt flat thank god but its not going to be clapping by next week so yeah seeing white teethed fake tanned big booties tits and practicly no waist isnt for me. its seriously soft porn, like there could be dudes wanking over those chicks, not could be. WOULD be. that wouldnt offend me but it would definetly creep me out. Im not going to re read this. Its like a journal entry of word vomit, projectile chunky word vomit. Maby ill write a book and sell it on ibooks for a buck, any thought? no because im typing this myself dumb fuck. actually couldve just said that was a rhetorical question. So what do you wear for a job agency interview? noe im worried... actually no im not ill wear my black flare pants a nice button up top and my cons. Back to thinking about taking lyrica. So i let my neighbour use my tobacco and now i feel as though he put something in there, but no he didnt. thats just paranoia. ughh so stupid. its a bad idea but im still wanting that lyrica.

#deardiary

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invisible-allover-blog · 7 years ago

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creative writing

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

"Too many bongs" silly bastard.

So it started when i was around 15 my cousin was living with me and my Dad, he smoked pot, so did my aunty but ill get into that in a bit. I used to sneak into my cousins room and look for crumbs of weed in his draws if i found some i would scarpe them up run into my room and roll a joint. And then off too school i went. I was on the bus right (thought i was super stoned) smelt more like tobacco but oh well i was just getting into it. I packed myself a tin of baked beens and some other garbage thought it was hilarious and sat next to a girl from highschool and giggled the whole was. That was loads of fun. Serously, it was dont mind my monotone like writing im just not in the descriptive mood you know. It gets like that after too many trips. So off on the gateway heaven to drugs (not good, dont condone. sarcasm) And then my favourite cousin, the on i grew up with just around the corner from me and i would sneak into my aunties room and scuffle around ooking for scrapings of weed on the ground we got high all the bloody time and i dont regret that for a second.. i regret it for a lot more. Im starting to feel depressed brb having some valium. I needed to take the edge off. Its unfortunate weed does that to some people. Im starting to really question the war on drugs, and wheres the fucking happy pill? I remember one time me and some of my old friends "were out the back" (where we would smoke bongs) saw her dog eat a whole lizard we cracked up so fucking hard. She literally dug it out of the ground. Its funny being a teenager and thinking your being all stealth mode while your parents know exactly what your doing. We had this weird ongoing joke that we were gagging and spewing after bongs just to see who would actually spew from it. it was hilarious. I wont write about all of that.

"a Fucking cigarette" for fuck sake.

so it all started when i was 18 i began to lose my mind. I walked outside and saw the moon beaming. i looked up to the stars and wondered if i was alone. Were there aliens above me? was i sent from above. "clearly i was delusion, says the nagging voice in my head. But i was so filled with wonder, i felt wonderful. This was after smoking a cigarette.. benson and hedges ofcourse. I felt as if i was on a trip. I didnt know whether or not there was drugs in me but looking back its okay. It was a memory... a thought maybe i should get Mr Burns with radiation poising tattood on my overly big calves. Hmm probably not. So, that was my first paranoid delusion which in retrospect is a conspiracy that many people have delved into in he past and havent given up on themselves. but was it heresay for them and experience for us? Thats the question that was just on my mind, Hmm. I was told not long after my eighteenth birthday that i was not going to "make it in life" because i hadnt been to university or finished highschool. So off in an ambulance to the nuthouse i went. Because of PSTD i wont go into it, but i will say this; dont give up before youve really understood yourself and the world. dont giv up ever. Suicide, delusions, conspiracys are memories adventures and i didnt line that up perfectly but look life is life, and there aint nothing better than that. Life is an awfully big adventure. Peter pan quote, flipped on its head for ya.

"Lulu" my baby pup.

So itd been a long hard 3 months in hospital, i had just gone through another mental beating off of the nurses. One of them pulled my hair. Cunt. In his defence i spat a pill at him cause i was sick of being over drugged. Valium, seroquel, clopixal, flouxitine, clozapine. and many acufazes... they inject the violent patients with it. I couldnt help it id gotten into my first cat fight and enjoyed it a little too much. They locked me in there and then wouldnt let me go to the toilet. So i pissed on there motherfucking floor. "Ha!" had to clean that one up didnt ya hospital. It was really in humane the way they wre treating people honestly its like american horror story back there, where the people never get out. I had a vivid dream that someone was going to kill me. i wasnt wrong they literally dressed up in all black and came for me. i woke up and remembered the one thing my ex told me "i hope you scream" and so i did and he/she ran away i had suspicions that the black hooded figure crept into the medicine room... the room noone ever walked in or out of? Hmm. i wnder what they are hiding. another DREAM i was having was that there were homeless people hiding in the bushes outside of concord waiting to kill. i guess they chose to see red. idiots. Its been a long 10 years discovering the world isnt all rainbows and butterflies. And im over the hospital trying to cover there arses. be gone with it, they are using it as a prison now, trust me. I saw the badges. I was let go, thank fuck for that. My dogs barking madly outside. PRobably seing things pretty sure my dog sees dead people "haha" or possibly shes seeing things in time. I do believe its possible but what it is is a delay in the workings of the universe. Dont tell me that i know theres time differences. I didnt go to uni to have to see to believe. Thre was a woman that was pregnant in there, she smeared shit all over the walls so im guessing she never even got let out to do that. WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! I guess the toughst people do go through the toughest battles. Im an aussie battler. ive never used that one before, that saying i mean. i really hope my first love doesnt end his life. Same with my most recent ex he just got out of a relationship with me and went straight back to his first love, and to me thats okay. Its good, im glad. I was going to hold him back ya know? i really was he had money and everything. Thats another thing the test of time has taught me. Love and let go. Wow it just dawned on me that the saying if you love something let it go... wait im changing that if you love someone let them go, and if they go and dont come back theyve moved on positively or negatively. I cant help falling inlove with the feeling of love over and over again. He told me he was going to marry me, were just kids. I wonder if ill ever find someone to love me again. I thought i was depressed and broken hearted. and i really was, i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt speak.

"whinging again" the fucking hospital Theyve taken so much blood off of me its unbelievable, okay done whinging.

"sex" here we go. i havent had sex in so long, it feels like years. I cant help that my thing is to make love and really connect on that level where your both in it. really enjoying it.

"by the way" the man that stalked and preyed on kids is locked in a basement getting the shit beaten out of him. I think maybe torture is enough. lay him to rest.

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