iridescentblood

[iridescentblood]

To Bryan:

Hey, can we talk? You know, like we used to- with an open heart and mind where I felt free to say and feel anything at all. It's been one hell of a ride, hasn't it? You met me when I was surrounded by a darkness that drowned me even in the brightest light. I was so lost and so alone. Wandering around without any clue how to get back on track. You grabbed me and held on even if I scratched and bit and hid myself away. You always came looking and stayed by my side even if I wouldn't come out. Its crazy, what I put you through really. When I look back on it, I wonder, would I have stayed for me? Honestly, I wouldn't. I was so awful. I don't think I could've dealt with the bullshit. But you did. Why? Man.. why is the biggest question I will always ask myself. Why would you stick around when I'm not worth it? I guess to you I was. I wish I knew how to see it. Bryan what I would give to be in your arms tonight. To have you hold me while I sobbed and broke apart into pieces. You could squeeze me back together just a bit. Im selfish because I know I should be leaving you alone. I know its what you need to move past all the shit I put you through. But god fucking damnit all I want is you here with me. I want your soft touch and firm grip, the kisses you give on each cheek, forehead and lips to make sure you covered it all, the way you made me feel safe, and quieted my mind, the way you listened, the thoughtfulness and little gestures you did to make me feel special, and loved. God did you make me feel loved. More than anyone in my life ever has. What truly an honor it was to be touched by a heart as genuine as yours. I miss you, so fucking much. Everything just feels empty now. You wanted me to feel it and trust me, I do. I feel the gap, the space you left, the longing for the life I used to have. The one where you were a part of every little bit, the happy, sad, exciting and mundane. All the parts. I see the difference. I keep reading our texts over and over, how we both imagined this life together and how badly we both want each other and yet here I am. Alone. I can imagine you are too. But what am I supposed to do, truly? Would you even want me now? After all this? If I were to take it all back, leave Lukas in the past and devote myself to you, would you even want it? Could you still imagine it? You and I against the world? Or is it too much? I feel like I ruined everything. I destroyed it. Im so, so good at that. Im still mad you said I took you for granted, but I guess maybe you're right. You don't truly realize all the things you had until it's gone. Please come back.

[iridescentblood]

Alone

Is there something wrong with me, some fundamental part of my core that I was born without? A broken puzzle, searching for the pieces that complete it. For I simply can not exist alone. My soul aches for connection, understanding and love so desperately that I will attach myself to anything, anything at all, damn well knowing it won't fit. But I force the piece into place, drown it in booze and pretend that I can't feel their sharp edges cut in where they shouldn't. I'd rather bleed anyway, and feel something, then be empty. But the gaps can't be filled like that, can they? I wish that I could be happy alone, find comfort in solitude, learn to enjoy my own company. But I spent years of my childhood completely and utterly alone, the only-child, latch key kid that built concrete walls where doors should've been. Cold and calculated, nothing warm and inviting. I can't do it anymore. Or maybe it's because I'm a lover girl at heart, and I look at the world in it's beauty and tell myself how much more beautiful it could be if you were beside me, then I can see it through someone else's eyes and understand. I can't see it, alone. I need to look at you, looking at the moon, and it illuminates with a glow that I can feel. I look at the moon alone, and although it shines back, it's not as bright as before. But everything is so, so dark now. I have to stop drowing myself in this flow of desperation. But I can't help but wonder if I'll ever again truly feel a connection that intertwines with the roots of me. No one picks the single flower, growing by itself, only from the field nearby that's lush and full. And so I guess I'll grow alone.

[iridescentblood]

Stranger

I thought after all this time, the pain would lessen, but it's worse. Did I ever even really know you? That's the question tearing me in two. I thought I did. I grew up with you, known you my entire life. But now I'm not sure I would even recognize you anymore if you walked up to me. Who have you become? I read the words you've said and I can't fathom that this is the same human being that once laid bare next to me. I connected with you on a level unknown in any other capacity. It was sureal. It felt like I was part of you, and you were part of me. We had some kind of trust, and care that only the lucky people experience. So what I can't understand is how you can hold so much hate in your heart? Doesn't it hurt? Where did this anger, this aggression come from? What's happened to you? Who the fuck is this person? I always had your back despite it all. How can you feel this way towards the only human that gave you the freedom and space to grow into your own, who gave you everything I had, loved you more than anyone else ever did, and still does.. Well, at least I think I still do.. I'm not even so sure anymore it's actually for you, if this is who you are- now. I guess it's for the person you used to be. The real one, who had a heart like mine. Hearts that beat together. Now, it just beats against the bars of a chilled prison- a caged heart doesn't allow visitors. Your knuckles must be bloody. I guess I won't ever understand- and so I remain unguarded and take the punches, because I would much rather bleed than turn to steel.

[iridescentblood]

I am caught in this indescribable place between loving you and hating you. I read something tonight that said sometimes we aren't meant to get over someone, and that we just go on living a little bit emptier. It's a lesson, that life gives us one person that both shows us that true love exists, and fairy tales don't. I don't think I've had anything else cut me quite as deep as that. It's been 5 or so months now, and I thought it would get easier. It hasn't. How do I even go on like this? I miss my fucking friend. I never wanted to stop having you in my life completely... but yet you ignore my texts. To be fair, I'd ignore me too if you did what I did. I hate myself so much for it, but its too easy to hate myself lately. I dont even know who I am anymore. And It would be so much easier wouldn't it, if I just hated you too? Everyone around me wants me to hate you so much. I hear them talk shit around me and sit in silence, their cruel words cutting me into pieces. It seems like no matter how hard I try to drown out the pain, drink it away, fuck it away, everything makes me think of you. It's the gray jeep that drives by. I go to Trader Joe's and find these new little chocolate chip cookies I know would've been your favorite (just like Entemans). When I go to Taco bell, or canes, all alone after my closing shift. Whenever I see a semi truck, I can't help my think how aware I am of them and how much kinder I treat them because of you. When an older classic car drives by and I want to talk to the idiot in my passenger seat all about it but remember he doesn't fucking care. Every time system of a down plays. The song What I Got. Whenever I cook dinner and there's always portion left that would've been perfect for you. The ring that was yours that I found after you left.. I wear it everyday. I haven't even turned on my ps4, since the last time we played together. I almost feel like I can't. I bought that console to play with you. How the fuck am I supposed to even look at Minecraft? I wonder if you just don't even go on the world now. I really hope you didnt destroy anything. I wish I could just fucking call you. I want to know how you're doing. Tell me how good you are doing back at FedEx, how is it living with your sister? Is it getting cold already? Tell me about all the drama I've missed out on. How is the fiero, are you working on her? Did you eat today? How have you been sleeping? Do you even think of me like I think of you? Fucking tell me how hard it is to exist in a world that doesn't include you at all. Please. Fucking tell me it's not just me.

[iridescentblood]

Sometimes I wonder why I even exist. I think that's a question we all struggle with sometimes. Life is supposed to be a gift right? Something unexpected. No one asks to be born. We are what we make it. And yet I make stupid choices. I don't want this life. I wish there was a way out. Somehow I could end it without causing anyone else suffering. I care about a lot of people, and I think that's the only thing that keeps me going. Maybe it's enough to live for others when you can't and don't want to live for yourself. But is it really? I started smoking again. I picked up this habit so I wouldn't pick up another habit that scares people. I'm always thinking of others but I don't think for myself. Or maybe it's that I think too much for myself. A chronic over thinker, over analyzier. I hate who I am right now. I hate living like I'm living. Who the fuck am I

[iridescentblood]

A message to my Ex:

Tbh I'm gonna be a savage because why should I contuine to give you grace if this is how you're really feeling like fuck you dude my mother NEVER was obligated to bail you out and give you all that money. Do you ever even think about that?? The fact that she did it anyway out of the kindness of her heart because she knew how much I loved you? She did it for ME. And I have to live with that guilt. I am fucking sick and tired of how you speak to her I never should have been tolerating it honestly your so damn disrespectful after everything she's done for you like what kind of person are you? 0 patience? HA. It's just a joke to you isn't it? The years I put it? Are you trying to make me feel like it was all a mistake? Time wasted? Ridiculous. The entire quote "best years of our young lives" we spent together. You seriously want me to feel that way? Ohhhh and let's talk about the sex life nick. Let's talk. Its not normal to not connect sexually. I NEVER should've sacrificed my powerful feminine energy, my deep desires and fantasies for you. I was so full of powerful libido.. I was fun.. fucking hot. You RUINED that part of me. I literally HAD to bury that deep down inside me to make our relationship work. I NEVER deserved to feel that insecure after countless tries and attempts to help you. I had SO much empathy for what you went through and you damn well know that. Don't even fucking try to say I didn't spend hours and hours, YEARS attempting to make it easier. FUCK YOU for a second trying to say I didn't change a lot of me. Thats what you do for people you love. But it wasn't my job to fix what your ex did. I WASNT HER, AND I NEVER WAS. Scars HEAL. You refused to let it. Thats on YOU. Oh, but dont worry. I found a guy that matches my flame now. He burns so hot he's reigninting that fire that went cold to keep you from getting burnt. But not him, he wants to burn. He wants it hotter. Fuck. Me. Its so fucking good. I'd love for you to give me the exact example you're saying where I refused to change because seriously? What it is it? What? Boy, you are fucking stupid. You wanna know why? Because you fumbled the best thing that's ever going to happen to you, and that's the DUMBEST thing you ever could've done. I will live my life. Happily. I know you're purposely trying to hurt me when you say I fit in here. I am not like a lot of humans here. I am a wonderful person, kind and compassionate, and my heart will remain soft and big despite being here. I am happy here. Truly. I won't feel bad for that. The only reason you're even saying this life isn't for you is because you know you can't have it anymore. You promised, SWORE to me you wanted this life in California and I can't believe you for fucking trying to turn that around on me. That's fucked up. I never said one word about you being the problem, did I? Those are your own words. I think you're just projecting your own fears on me because you know you are the reason we broke up.

[iridescentblood]

7 Backwoods & a 10pk of Bareskin rubbers

So it's been 4 months has it? Boy what depressing ass posts have been here lately. I came back to write tonight finally for a good reason. Theres glimmers of happiness poking through the storm I've been battling. I almost drowned.. but a hand reached out to me. It was a stranger, though.. and I didn't take it at first. I was so terrified to be left alone at sea once again that I had convinced myself it was easier to keep struggling. But I took the risk. I grabbed his hand, and it was somewhat familiar.. a touch that felt easy.. and right. I could finally breathe- and for the first time in so long I feel fucking alive again. I'm finding pieces of myself that I thought I lost. I'm starting to learn who Ally is again, I'm remembering who I was.. who I am now. You wouldn't even recognize her! She's so confident, killing it at work, living this full life where I actually go out!! Drinking and laughing with new friends in new places, meeting new people, and sharing new experiences. I'm even getting GOOD ass sex at the end of it all. Could you believe it?? I wish I could go back years ago.. and tell crying Ally.. slowly breaking into smaller pieces.. that not being fucking touched by your boyfriend should NEVER have been tolerated. Its not normal to not connect sexually. I NEVER should've sacrificed my powerful feminine energy, my deep desires and fantasies for him. I NEVER deserved to feel that insecure. But guess fucking what? I found a guy that matches my flame. He burns so hot he's reigninting that fire that I buried so fucking deep inside of me to keep my ex from getting burnt. But not him. He wants to burn. He wants it.. Hotter. Fuck. Me. I am happy. Maybe I found the one to finally fuck the depression outta me, I've only been waiting on that one since what... 2016 or some shit? Haha. It's in there real deep but hell I think it really might come loose for him 😈 Truth be told it's not just the sex. I actually like him. That thought is terrifying yet exciting all at the same time. New doors are finally opening and I'm ready to see what's inside. I hope it's more backwoods..

[iridescentblood]

Man, I seriously haven't wanted to kill myself this bad in such a long time. I'm just so tired of this existence. I'm so tired of being the bad guy. I think I really am just a horrible person despite how desperately hard I try to be good. I hate myself so fucking much. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up. It'd be easier than this pain. I just want fucking out. I can't take it.

[iridescentblood]

Monster

I think my biggest problem is that I'm so stuck with this idea of forever. I had this safe place in my head where there was comfort in knowing I wasn't alone. There was another human who understood me and loved me for who I was. We would be safe together, trapped inside the walls that I built all around me- to protect me and him and us from the person I used to be- my other half, a monster. It felt so good to me, I was used to it now, having him there. He protected us, too. He patched the holes and covered the windows so it couldn't break in and get me. And I really thought I found the key to it all too- to lock the door for good. He would marry me, and I could live happily ever after. We could forever battle the evil lurking outside, and we would always win so that everything could stay the same. I would always be safe, as long as I had him, and he had me. But the reality of it all is that I'm really no fun to be stuck with. We couldn't stay in my safe place forever, it wasn't healthy, was it? I don't blame him, for not wanting to be walled in with me because frankly? I don't want to trapped with me either. We both needed freedom, and I was too scared to leave because I knew, what was lying outside those walls- waiting for me. I didn't have a choice when they came crashing down. There's no more safe house. And so the monster is back.. and it's got such a familiar face. Now, he could walk away from the wreckage and heal because it wasn't after him. It was mine, or was it me? I can't hide anymore. I have to kill it, or let it kill me.

[iridescentblood]

Just keep swimming

Hey again. I've been writing here more because I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm alone. I swing back and forth viciously between periods of feeling like I'm so much better now and then crashing into a pit of feeling more alone than ever, like I'd be better off dead. Did I mention my dad has cancer? Oh yeah, we found out about that too, shortly before my birthday. May is just a cursed month for me. I tried to go back east to visit but I had to see Nick and it messed me all up over again. We don't even talk now. All I do is work, I don't have time to heal or even think about everything crashing around me until it's late at night. So I end up lying here awake with so much anxiety I could drown. It's such a good analogy, isn't it? Just keep swimming they say right, put one foot in front of the other. Take it a day at a time. Same shit. But what happens when I get tired? I can't tread water anymore, and there's no land in sight. I barely keep my head above water now, and then the waves come in. They are so strong and even if I had my full energy, they would push me under. They don't stop. There used to be a boat that would pass through when the water got that rough. It would throw out a life vest and pull me in- let me take shelter while I regained my strength. Sure enough I had to get back in, and keep swimming, but at least there was help. Now there isn't. I swim endlessly, there's no boat coming to the rescue. No one to come when I need to breathe. So I just go under, and sink to the bottom.

[iridescentblood]

Puzzle Pieces

I found out today that now, both of my childhood best friends will soon be married, living their happily ever after. One already is, and they even bought their first home together. The other will be proposed to in a beautiful and special day her man is currently planning- he even wants me to be there and asked me to keep it a secret. How romantic? It's not that I'm not happy for them, I truly am because I love them dearly. They both deserve the wonderful relationships they have - partners that fit them perfectly. But I can't help but remember that my "perfect person" chose a truck instead. It just fucking hurts.

What lesson am I supposed to learn from this universe? That despite all the love I pour out, I'm only ever going to be the second thought? When will it be my turn? To be cared for and vauled for the amazing person I am? To be the first priority? I know what I bring to the table, and I don't deserve any of this shit he put me through. I want what they have. And I guess I'm just pissed I could've had it. I could've been getting married soon, too. All my cards are falling together. I have a solid career ahead of me- I work in 3 dispensaries right now. 3!!! I am STACKING money. I could've had it all. But that's just it isn't it? I'm ready. I was always putting the pieces together, and he wasn't. WE weren't ready because HE wasn't ready. In my hearts of heart, I don't even think he's capable of it. I want to believe he could be.. but in just one short month, I can already visibly tell how badly he was holding me back. I deserve someone who is ready, too. Who puts in a piece of the puzzle every time I do. I'm tired of solving it on my own. Honestly, if anything, Im starting to see I can solve it better, easier, and more efficiently on my own. So how much longer do you expect me to wait for you to take your turn?

[iridescentblood]

Breathless

Here I am again sad blog. Wow oh fucking wow it's truly been a minute now. Would you believe we made it to 2024? You couldn't convince me at 16 I'd live to be 26. I was damn sure I'd be dead by now, and if I'm being honest with myself I think I am. I didn't even read my last post before starting this because I think the pain of the title might sting just a little too much, it's probably exactly why I'm here tonight typing on this stupid box. Wide awake, breaking into smaller pieces, with a pain that feels deeper then any cut I've ever managed to slice into my own skin..but no this time the cut came from a person I actually loved- that I do love still, right now. After everything. After I really fucking thought this time I had the real thing. The kind of love some people dont even get lucky enough to feel in their lifetime. I thought I was safe, that for once in my stupid existence there was going to be another person by my side through this shithole life to the end. I guess I had some false sense of security, like I was just one of the lucky ones. I trusted this man could fix his mistakes, rise above our hardships, the things that life threw at us, because I thought that as long as we were together, nothing was unachievable. But the hard truth is that once something is broken, it can't ever quite be the same as it was before. Maybe the love was real, but I've grown enough now to realize there's so much more to a successful partnership than that alone. The love of my life simply can't be the man I need him to be to live this life with me. I should be sleeping because tomorrow I'll find out if I'm pregnant or not. Il have to make a decision about having an abortion or keeping a baby with a man I'm no longer with. I'm supposed to be ok with all this somehow, not break down because I'm starting a new job that requires me to be at my best- the top dispensary in Thousand Oaks, more money, more opportunities await me. Why is it so badly then that at the end of each night when I drive home I'm fighting every second to not drive off a bridge? I guess I'm not strong enough. I'm going to make all new friends they say, I can work on myself and do me, explore my passions again, find out who Ally really is all on her own. But you know what? I'm pretty sure I know who Ally is when she's all alone and I'm fucking terrified. I spent more time sitting completely by myself as a child than anyone I've ever known, and I remember her well. Is there something wrong with me? That I'd rather be with a man that has broke me more then a I've ever fucking thought imaginable then be all alone? I want to believe that I can stay strong and move forward with my own life, but I can't erase the pictures I already had in my head with him in them. I wish I could burn them, stop feeling, burn my whole fucking body so there's not an ounce left that Nick touched. Then maybe, just maybe I could breathe again. Right now I'm slowly dying every night and I'm not sure how many breaths I have left.

[iridescentblood]

1 bad seed

Oh man I think it's been too long since I've written here. So many life things have changed and boi what a roller-coaster it's been. It's funny that the last post I made here is exactly the reason I opened this stupid app tonight. To think that 2 years later and it still hasn't changed- its even more mind blowing then I thought. I have changed past Ally- into someone unrecognizable- in a such a good and bad way. I had to let go of my desire to be physically loved so that I would stop wondering what was wrong with me, because really there wasn't anything wrong with me. Its him isn't it? His inability to get past his previous relationship, so much so that it damaged the perfect girl you thought you had. Is this what you wanted? To sleep next to who you thought was the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world every night but never touch her? To let her stay up wondering why she isn't good enough? Oh I am good enough. That's one sure thing that I proud to say- I love myself. Not every day, but most days. I am better. I am healing. I dress how I want and do my makeup everyday like the bad bitch that I am. And you know what? I don't deserve it. I don't. I don't know at what point the part of me I have sacrificed will just be too much. I have to admit that I miss it- so much. That powerful horny energy, the feeling I used to get when I know I pleased my partner to my best ability. Man was I so good. And where is it now? So deeply pressed down into my subconscious that I have dreams where I just fuck everything I can. It's sad. I was reading my good post about how much I love this man and how happy he makes me, and I think I can say I still feel the same. But maybe it's changed a little. Maybe I resent the fact that I had to let go of a big part of me to make this work. Maybe it's the truck that he bought on a whim without even thinking of our future- that has since put us into deep debt. We struggle so much financially because of this 1 huge mistake and now it puts tremendous strain on our relationship. It's so hard to imagine marrying someone that can't think about our future. I miss how it used to be when I was in bliss at how much better I was being treated. I miss the charger. I miss the money we had for doing things we loved together. It's just hard now. Theres so much to worry about and it's all wrapped up and intertwined and it's scary to think there's no way out. I miss when I didn't even question if there was a way out. There was never a thought. And now there's this little seed of doubt and all I can pray for is he's smart enough to not water it.

[iridescentblood]

Oh hey sad blog it's been a bit hasnt it? 2020 finally ended but its hellish like qualifies contiune to go on. But enough about the world lets talk about why tf Im here boi cause I thought I was happy.

Am I cursed to just never have a sex life? Its like every single time I try, every relationship ive had (even this very good current one) Im doomed to feel like Im not good enough. Is it just that Im ugly? Too fat to be desirable? Who in god knows. I thought this one would be different because he listens to me when I express something.. but not with this. This- aparent horrible necessity I have. Its been over a year and I thought it would get better. But it hasnt, and I am again questioning whats wrong with me. Am I asking to much? To make love on occasion? Once a week? I'd be doing it everyday at least twice if it was up to me but I guess that just makes me bad. Maybe i do have something wrong with me, why cant I just let it go? Maybe because tonight he would get up to smoke, but not to make love to me.. that was too much, he was too tired. Not too tired to get out of bed, go downstairs and take dab, though. I really believed him when he said he would make an effort to change but I don't anymore. I think thats what hurts the most. Now I get to lie awake wondering what to do? What's the point of trying if it just keeps causing me pain to bring up? But fuck me I guess. Oh wait, no- "DOnT" fuck me I guess.

[iridescentblood]

2 Beans in a pod

Hey there sad blog, it' me, ya boi. Just wanted to let you know I am (of course) still haunted by the almighty depression/kill yo self you worthless pile of garbage/major anxiety all your friends actually hate you shitz.. but it's getting better. Slowly. Day by day. Luckily however I am not the hormonal 16 year old I once was.. just the angsty 21 adult in training; so ya know, it's give and take.

I somehow managed to not fuck it up yet and do still have the wonderful man I've been writing about in my life, and boy should I give him like... actually all the credit for my progress. He is my motivation to get up everyday. I look into his eyes and I can almost just see how perfect I could be in the reflection. He really does see me as perfect. Its.. honestly really mind blowing. For so long I was in toxic relationship after toxic relationship and sometimes that makes me believe I am not worthy, and not good enough for him. But he reminds me it's not true, and I am worthy. I freaking love him with god damn every fiber of my being. There are times where saying I love you just doesn't feel like enough, like there needs to be some other way to express how deeply I care for this human bean. I want to grow with him, build with him, water this precious bean every day and support every thing he does.

Being honest I truly thought I knew what love felt like, the way it was 'supposed' to at least.. but BOI was I wrong. It is really insane- to just look at someone and know they are EXACTLY what you've been looking for, like they were made precisely for you plus a bonus package of stuff you didn't even know you needed. It's insane to feel so secure, so valued and appreciated- insane to just be so damn happy. Every. Single. Day. Cause damn this love; this love is real. It's absolutely nothing like the previous ones- wAck! Just when you think you have it all figured out life is like, HA you thought. Only this time it's really the best gift life has ever given me. There is no way to truly describe what this feeling is like, when you know you just know- and I know I've found my soulmate.

And I will continue getting better. There will be good days and bad days, and he will be by my side on every one of them. I might not ever get rid of depression fully, (sadly thats just not how it works) but at least there's a comfort in fighting it together. He is my sunshine, and I am growing.

[iridescentblood]

I am happy.

Wow, this is a crazy one. For once im not writing here because I want my life to end.

For once im writing because I am so excited for my life to continue. I actually am dreaming of all the things Im going to do. All the adventures. And its all because of you. You make me want to love life again. I can't fucking stress how significant that is. You changed my whole world view- made me feel like living again. You inspire me, motivate me, encourage me, support me, care for me, squeeze me hug me and touch me in all the right ways. And most of all, you love me. You love me like I love you, hell your heart might even be bigger than mine.. (but il never admit it.) I am so fucking greatful to have a man like you. I honestly can't imagine living my life without you at this point. You complete me in all the ways I never even knew I needed.

You did it. Yep, thats right folks. It happened. I found the man. You fucked the sadness out of me, you loved the depression away, you make me so fucking happy. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life falling more in love with you each day. I will say it again and I will say it a thousand times more, how did I ever get so god damn lucky?

[iridescentblood]

What an incredible change my life has gone through, and yet my sadness lingers.

But maybe its not all so bad this time. Maybe my sadness is just a painful longing. A longing for someone genuine. Someone that touched me in ways I havent ever experienced. A real man, my soulmate? Maybe it's because for once in my life I discovered what true love is supposed to feel like.

I even got to live it for 2 whole weeks and then just like everything good to ever happen to me, it's ripped away. 2,000 long miles away. It hurts just as much as pain I've felt before and yet, this time it does feel different. It hits my heart in different spots, makes my tears seem warmer.

I crave the way you feel -the way you laugh, and smile at me- the way your eyes light up when you look at me. I crave the way you taste, the way your body feels naked pressed against mine. I crave the way you sound when you make love to me, the soft feeling of running my fingers through your hair. I crave feeling happy- safe and securely wrapped in your arms.

You make anywhere feel like home. Hell, you're my universe- you are my happiness. And I am still sad, but for the right reasons. I know this time I won't be wishing you're feeling the same so far away. I know you won't abandon me, I know I can trust you. I know I'm waiting for the man I get to spend the rest of my life with. And so, Il let the sadness linger just a little bit longer.

PS. I love you