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iron-lungs-blog · 9 years ago

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iron-lungs-blog · 9 years ago

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“Levitate” Vol. 1 -$20 (Paypal: [email protected])

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iron-lungs-blog · 9 years ago

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Out of Sight, Out of Mind

At this moment I am using a medium to convey my thoughts. Using my sister in order to type these words is both a humbling and very reflective practice. When I first started going through my health issues I was opposed to using help in order to share my gift. That apprehension quickly turned into refusal to even write again. Over the years I have perfected my craft and cultivated it with personal experience as well as developed a tone that distinctly reflects me. I have found that even now using someone else to type the words that come to my head has become a tedious and arduous task. I am very cerebral and meticulous with whom I let into this emotional state I have tried to protect over the years through discretion. There have been good days and some bad days … and more dark days than both. Currently, I am completely blind awaiting my vision to come back from the numerous surgeries I have had on my eyes as well as relentlessly pursuing a kidney-pancreas transplant. I have surpass the point of asking if there is a God. Passed the point of why me. I seem to have found myself in a holding pattern of what’s the purpose of all of this. Contrary to what people believe once they have experienced a life altering event, I don’t feel this trial was meant for me to find God but possibly to expose who He is in me to others. I have fallen all over the spectrum when it pertains to my faith. Easily my parents have used well over a vineyard worth of olive oil to anoint my head every night asking the Lord for healing. I have sat in prayer circles that have lasted nothing short of three hours only to open up my eyes and see darkness. I recall a time I spent in the hospital late one night on the cardiac floor at UT Southwestern. All my visitors had left and the nurses and doctors finally gave me some rest. In the solitude of my room, with heart monitors humming the beat of my life in the background, I told God it was okay to let me go. I didn’t want to experience the pain of my illness anymore. I deeply didn’t want to hear my mother cry over a situation she could not fix anymore. I simply didn’t want to live a life sustained by machines. Needless to say I was discharged out of the hospital only to lose my vision a month later. Being blind is such an inexplicable feeling but I’ll try. The simplest tasks become mountains you have to overcome; like avoiding bumping into strangers in public, finding something to eat on your own, TEXTING, or picking out clothes just to name a few. More than anything I miss my independence… Every encounter I have with someone concluded with “I’ll pray for you.” It got to the point I would get offended when people said it because it left me wondering if they actually meant it. You will never understand the devastation of a broken promise until you have been stripped down to nothing but your words. I have nothing but time…time to think about every argument, bad decision, highlight, and milestone I have ever experienced over my 27 years. Low moments in life will quickly differentiate an acquaintance from a friend, faith from discipline, and hope from a wish. Family will tell me to pray to a God I had just begged to not hurt me anymore. I had always equated pain to punishment until I realized purpose. It wasn’t until I went completely blind that I found peace. I don’t know if I can contribute that to losing the distractions once I was unable to access them or moving forward with life with such ambiguity. Never the less, I am here. I still have dark days. Sometimes I question if my writing is in vain. Sometimes I long to be somewhat relevant in the eyes of my peers. The thought of my vices lay with me when insomnia refuses to give me rest. But through all of that and losing everything, I know who I am and I found peace. I don’t know where my gifts or ideas will take me, I just hope I can inspire.

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iron-lungs-blog · 9 years ago

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