irpratri

[irpratri]

What I Thought I Knew

When I was barely 14, my mom forced me to move out of town by myself — for a better education, for better opportunities, and for a better life.

I ended up living in another town with my brother in Mom’s other house. It was a completely different place, with a different language, culture, and customs. And even though my brother and his friends were so extremely ignorant, I didn’t feel completely alone facing all those changes and that chapter of life.

Life went on. I graduated high school. I (well, Mom paid for it) rented a house and lived on my own. I fully committed myself to volunteering in an NGO that focused on study abroad and intercultural learning. I struggled mentally. I had my first cut — the first of many. I had my first cigarette — again, the first of many. I had my first psychiatrist visit — again, another the first of many.

When I was volunteering, I was always the one assigned to talk about navigating life far from home — whoever and wherever that could be — to the awardee before their departure. I would talk about how to blend in and adjust to a host family in their host country — what they could do, what they should say.

And until last month, I really thought I knew how to do life alone, far away from my family. I really thought I was qualified to give all those speeches I’d been giving for the past 7 years.

But then came my own new chapter: I finally got my first real job and moved to a new town — once again, with a new language, culture, and customs.

As someone who has the tendency to control every part of her life, I suddenly feel so helpless and overly anxious every single day. I haven’t even moved into the dorm yet (that’ll happen in 2 days!), but I already feel so unwelcome staying at my extended family’s house. I feel so alone and so terrified at the same time. I feel like I have to do something to change the situation, but I hate — and am scared of — uncertainty and what might come next.

I did all the things the experts and theories suggest for settling in and connecting with the people in the house. In the first few weeks, I kept pep-talking myself:

“Theoretically, it takes 3 months to fully settle into a new house, a new environment, a new place — so I won’t beat myself up if I struggle for the next 3 months.”

And yet, here I am, 7 weeks in — and I already feel like a failure. I cry everywhere (literally everywhere — train stations, packed morning buses, bus stops). I feel like I should be doing better, and that it’s my fault — my stupidity — that I can’t seem to get it right.

I’m too scared to do anything. I’d rather sit mindlessly at a train station until late at night than be in the living room, being questioned by family members I don’t even feel close and connected to.

Up until now, I truly thought I knew how to live alone, far away from my mom.

[irpratri]

When no one carries you, you learn to carry yourself.

That sounds strong, maybe even admirable. But there's a sadness to it, too.

Because being self-sufficient isn't the same as being okay.

[irpratri]

The ugly duckling.

[irpratri]

Entah gimana, sore ini rasanya hatinya penuh sampi nangis, karena i might not see it and take it for granted, tapi sebenernya di Malang (dan i hope sampai sekarang even if udah gak di sana) punya orang-orang yang suportif, yang baik, yang pengertian.

Even, di tangan mereka lah i grew up dari anak SMA yang ngalamin lowest low, sampai rebel, munafik, gatau diri, dan berakhir mengkeret karena ngerasa gak pantes hidup. I was in a very good hand, I couldnt take God enough for that.

Mau ya yaAllah dikasih orang-orang baik lagi di sini, di tempat baru ini.

starred messages di Whatsapp, dari senior senior di Malang + ibuk.

[irpratri]

Life's so fragile,

back to that day i cleaned my house like my life depens on it, bcs i thought id never come back.

At least when i died, i dont have additional unnecessary burden.

Hari ini bisa makan enak, naturally bangun siang, nonton drama.

What-ifs memang menyeramkan.

[irpratri]

At this point, keinginan mengkadoin diri sendirinya tidak lagi sepatu dan smartwatch,

tapi balsem satu karton.

[irpratri]

Tadi malem ketiduran karena kecapekan, gak sempat lah mbalsemi badan kayak biasanya.

Pagi tadi kebangun di jam biasanya walaupun akhir pekan, karena badan gak tau ini hari apa.

Akhirnya tetap ke kamar mandi, wudhu, solat, trus baru mbalsemin kaki, tangan, sama punggung.

Pas habis solat, nangis, banyak mintanya. Karena what happened these weeks membingungkan, gak nyaman, dan apa yang terjadi kemarin terlalu diluar kuasaku untuk mencerna.

Inget banget, sambil nangis sambil ngucap, minta ditunjukin supaya terus inget Allah, minta diingetin supaya terus bersyukur, minta terus diingetin bahwa semua kemudahan dan jalan hidup ini yang terbaik versi Allah.

Lanjut tidur, bangun, duduk depan tv, diajak ngomong sama saudara:

"Kamu jadi nonton hari ini? Ke kajian aja lah yuk hari ini. Katanya, kalau kamu gamau, paksa aja."

Langsung internally panick, karena gak ngerasa siap mental, gak siap baju, gak siap semua.

Masuk kamar, baru mikir, cepet banget ya dikasih tunjuk untuk terus inget Allah nya :)

Lain kali, aku berdoa minta dikasih gaji 50 juta sebulan ya yaAllah #lahngelunjak

[irpratri]

Masih relatable.

Nyaman datang dari mana saja.

[irpratri]

Nyaman datang dari mana saja.

[irpratri]

Still, being in the same boat wont make you experience and feel the same.

[irpratri]

Selama delapan tahun konseling ke psikiater, lebih banyak meninggalkan pertanyaan di setiap setelah konseling.

Makanya, aku gak relate sama trend di Twitter tentang kata bijak yang diucapkan psikiater.

Karena psikiaterku sibuk dengerin, sibuk tanya, dan sibuk ngeresepin, tapi jarang banget ngasih saran pun omongan bijak.

Terus kemarin ke psikolog.

YaAllah.

Itulah yang disebut dengan diskusi elaboratif, diskusi dua arah.

Selesai konseling, pening banget ya nangis teros, tapi legaan juga akhirnya bisa tanya dan punya jawaban.

[irpratri]

Bulek Hana pernah cerita di Tumblr-nya—waktu dia pindahan, ibunya membekali sekotak teh celup.

Aku gak lagi pindahan. Tapi baru pulang lama, dan ini kepulangan setelah attempt pertama dalam hidup (dan, kurasa, masih akan ada banyak lagi).

Aku gak bisa relate ke bulek Hana. Aku jarang minum teh, kecuali kalau itu satu-satunya pilihan, dan yang murah cuma itu.

Tapi aku juga dibekalin Ibuk—sekotak telur petis, isi enam.

Setiap Raya, aku selalu minta Ibuk buatkan telur petis. Selain memang suka, Ibuk pernah cerita—dulu, waktu ibunya Ibuk masih ada, beliau sering masakin telur petis juga.

Sentimental itu yang bikin aku sering minta. Ada perasaan yang diturunkan juga.

Waktu kemarin maun balik ke Malang, bilang, “Mau minta tolong buatin telur petis ya, terserah berapa, gak usah banyak-banyak.”

Kata Ibuk, "Ya, paling buat 2-3 kali makan, ya.”

Beberapa jam sebelum night shift, Ibuk sibuk di dapur. Gak mau ditemenin.

Masak telur petis.

Katanya, takut gak sempat kalau nunggu pulang jaga pas pagi.

Paginya, pas lagi siap-siap berangkat ke bandara, Ibuk masuk kamar.

Bawa sekotak telur petis isi enam.

“Ini bisa buat tiga hari...”

“Hehe, iya gapapa, sekalian masak banyak buat di rumah sini."

Semalam sebelumnya, waktu Ibuk jaga, udah puas-puasin nangis sampai mata bengkak. Jadi pagi itu, cuma bisa nahan lagi.

Mau nangis di depan Ibuk, tapi kan bocah gendut ini sok kuat.

[irpratri]

Tangisan pertama di rumah Malang adalah ketika mbuka kotak bekal setelah flight sejam, perjalanan pulang ke Malang yang apakali, makanan dan bumbunya semuanya masih intact.

Makanannya nasi kuning, rasanya rasa kasih sayang ibuk.

[irpratri]

Day 1 of sleepless night of so many more to come. Wishing yourself dead as fuck, six feet under.

[irpratri]

Lets do it one more time.

[irpratri]

Thor pernah kurang lebih bilang, "my head isn't in the right space, jadinya mikir ke mana-mana."

I've been in that place CONSTANTLY since December.

Isi kepala matiiiiiiiiiiiii terus, apa gak gilak.

[irpratri]

Menyadari banyak hal gabisa dilakukan ketika di rumah ibuk.

Sendirian, privasi untuk diem nangis marah cemas berlebih berhari hari, gelap gelapan tanpa lampu dan suara apapun sekian malam setiap kepala ramai luar biasa, pun pasang headset volume paling kencang 24/7 to numb all the intrusive thoughts, atau sesimpel to be inside my head without anything to be worried about.

Semuanya memang kebiasaan buruk, tapi kata dokterku, "whatever keeping you alive right now."