isitnightyet

[isitnightyet]

Hello 2022- I hate you already

12:12

Is it night yet? The silence of the night with the occasional woosh or clang is all I yearn for during the bright hours. Knowing I have responsibilities and people that need of me as well as 1-888 folks needing their collection payments made make the waking hours between 9am-9pm the most stressful for me. The loud noises of the household, the dog toy squeaks, the expected yet surprising bouncing of a ball- all of it shocks me, makes my heart jump a bit, and frankly, scares me. Hi. I am clinically depressed, suffer from constant anxiety and have developed a sleeping disorder where night is day and day is night to me. It is almost a blessing. My 4am is the old 12pm so it is when I have lunch and get the most energy to do whatever. I used to suffer from insomnia from stressing about my failing business that I can’t get out of my lease for and is costing me over $5,000 a month which I making no revenue for (I’ll talk about this another time), having all my most favorite things stored away in a musty, probably bug ridden storage unit on a 2nd floor which was hell to get it up the flight of stairs, and the fact that I spent $80k on a very useless degree that I still haven't paid a dime on but our good ol’ grace period is dwindling down. I moved to another state sort of by accident and since then had been trying to “start fresh” only to be sucked back to my old life, ways, and problems. I won’t even get into the family stuff (my brother pretty much was dead for a few days this year, came back once his breathing tube was disconnected. I was there alone with him fighting for insurance, a treatment home, cleaning up his poo, making sure he ate. No one from the family was there for him or me (and by family I mean our mother)- but that's its own story. 3 months beforehand I was picking him up from prison after serving 2 years for have a seizure and inadvertently biting a cop that was trying to pin him down all whilst my brother was unconscious and seizing but woke up in a medical bed with handcuffs.) But yeah, other time for that. So I would work crap I abhorred during the day and stay up stressing about everything all night. Then I had a mental breakdown at work (3rd time I quit a good (but sucky) job in 4 years due to this) and that was it. Everything became worse. Now no incoming money plus the normal issues- yay. I started going to sleep at 6, 7, 8am. Sleep in and repeat. Now I don't go to sleep until 11-noon and that is only because I force myself. I then get up between 3p-6p and start my day. Being winter I usually don't even see the sun anymore. And yes, I take melatonin and was trying to get back to “normal sleep, sleeping tea, even sleep medication that I was prescribed and it doesn’t work. I even stay up for 2 days so that way I can go to sleep by 11pm but then I wake up super drowsy and revert back to by daytime sleep cycle. So at this point, it is easier to accept this is me. I am a vampire and that is okay. Aside from that I have a scarce “love life” as in guys like me in the bedroom but wont acknowledge me romantically outside of that. And that is okay for now- I don't have the emotional bandwidth to be in a relationship worthwhile. I barely can keep myself fed, rested, and productive (barely)... I was engaged 4 years ago (to someone I met that year in another country... maybe I’ll go into detail another time) - broke that off, quit my first good job (they even flew me to London!) due to me having a mental breakdown and went into a depressive state, closed off social media, and didn’t talk to anyone for 3 or 4 months. Since then I have had seasonal depression around the same time Oct-Jan like clockwork and do the same things (i.e. quit my job, deactivate social media, talk to no one). I have normal depression too but these months suck pretty hard. I am however, for the first time on antidepressants. so far so good. I wish I discovered them years ago since I first started showing suicidal tendencies, depressive actions ect. Since I was about 14years old. I am 28 now.

Well. I thought writing all of this down would be nice, you know, and posting it in a public place was nice instead of just jotting it on microsoft word or on my phone notes. Kind of overdone of talking to friends about it too because they have problems they go through too and it is not all about me you know- I needed to find an alternative outlet- I want to be there for them with their things. (And oh yeah I had a therapist but with the move the insurance is too expensive here so I can’t afford it again. I even tried getting a VPN to show me in my old state but that did not work lol. The therapy was something I was really happy about too.) 

But yeah- hello Tumblr. Thanks for existing and allowing me to share publicly. It is kind of like yea, I am messed up, but I am accepting it- and that's okay. Not everyone will get it, but maybe someone will and that would be nice. I told myself (actually wrote it down) and told others too but they took it as dark humor that I wouldn't make it to the end of the year. Well, here I am. Hello 2022- I hate you already lol.