isleywrites56-blog

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An Introduction

I have never been one to talk about myself in depth, the second somebody asks me those tedious questions, such as ‘what are your hobbies?’ or even ‘tell me about yourself?’ I appear to clam up and almost forget my own name. Yet with a keyboard and my own questions to ask, it is suddenly so clear. So here it is, a mild explanation for this fuss, these somewhat random blog entries and the mild direction I have gained for my future.

I have always loved to write. I can remember creating the most random stories as a child, and writing two, or three pages so easily and feeling so proud. I take pride in schoolwork, I enjoyed composing and arguing inside an essay, and using my creativity to formulate words on a page. Somehow, somewhere, along the line this changed throughout my teens, and despite many attempts, not inspiration had come. Although I have earned my BA History degree, this has never been enough, I do not wish to enter teaching, nor do I wish to continue my education. I have spent the past three years in an almost confused bubble, having no clue as to where my future was headed. Once completing University, my career in hospitality blossomed, and it was incredibly tempting and easily available to continue along the lines of promotion and stay within those parameters. It has taken a huge and mildly random act of leaving England and settling in Australia to reach this point, and suddenly, a wonderful burst of inspiration has struck and here I am, attempting to write again, however small and possibly terrible at the start, but writing.

In the back of my mind I have always liked the idea of working for a newspaper or magazine, and creating those colloquial articles we all read so much. The types that are spread on social media, and are short and concise, and always informative. I have never envisioned myself writing a novel or series, because to be frank, I do not have the capacity. In the age where Harry Potter and Game of Thrones has overwhelmed us, I simply cannot create a world so vast and detailed. For the time being, I am happy to continue this, my daily blog entries about anything and everything. I appreciate the way that a blog is almost like a diary, there are no limits on what you can discuss or the opinions that you have developed. I create and write what I feel is important, or what I believe I need to express. If one day this transpires into employment, for the journalistic environment I would adore, I am free to let that happen naturally. At this moment in time, it is a step forward in the unending writers’ block that has plagued my mind for so long. It may not be the best, but it is a direction in the right place, and something to focus on. It may seem simple to keep and maintain a daily blog, and build a social following, but nothing that is easy is enjoyable, and to rise to the top you indeed, must start from the bottom.

Wherever this may lead, watch this space!

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University - Reflections of a 2:2

I have absolutely no idea how the education system progresses in other countries. I do not know if higher studies are a requirement, an afterthought, or just something to pass the time. In England however, it’s a rite of passage. At sixteen you have two choices; go on to attend University of train for a manual trade and hope the employment rate in your county is stable enough to hold you. You sit through hours of lectures at your high school, they drill into you how important it is to succeed, how important it is to plan a future and how much more you are worth with a degree and a few letters beside your name. They instil in us the idea that education stops at the age of twenty-one and how this is when you will feel like an adult, and only now must you step forth into the world. From my own experience, this is wrong.

At no point in our education system do they attempt to understand you. Their role is to push you on a course and hope you succeed. I was repeatedly told that the best method for University was not to think of the future, but to instead pursue something of which you enjoy. This may work for some, but for others this is unrealistic. At eighteen years of age most adolescence is still brewing, and it is not always possible to differentiate what you in fact enjoy and how you spend your time. From this notion that I assumed I knew I enjoyed to study history, this propelled me to choose this as my University degree, in the hopes that I would eventually find some clarity amongst the growing confusion.

My experience was not the best; a family tragedy influenced a huge amount of my personal life at University, but my lack of enthusiasm is something of which I consider to be my biggest failure. The problem with choosing something of which you think you enjoy, is that often, it eventually can become laborious and draining, as something you may have perceived to be enjoyable can wear off over time, especially over the course of four-hour lectures and lengthy slideshows. I pushed my studies to the absolute limit, we were expected to attend twelve lectures a term, and study four modules. From a timetable of just four classes a week, I would maybe attend one. My attitude was shocking and incredibly lazy, suddenly it is nobody but you that oversees your education and if you are choosing to study something which you do not wish to continue in later life, you soon decide there is little point. My grades were stable, my work always submitted on time but there was always a sense of pointlessness and frustration over feeling as if I had to continue with my studies. Though not often admitted, it isn’t often the desire for us to return home as a drop out, having decide University was either too difficult or too boring. I persevered only because I knew of nothing better, and because quite honestly, it was passing three years of my life.

I am shocked of how I indeed completed my course. My course was initially three years, and yet the failure of one module and a disappointing dissertation led me to repeat my last year, something of which I only felt adhered to as it was simply too late to give in and the student loan was obviously a huge bonus. As well as providing me with a reason to continue studying, the student loans has given the freedom to waste not only my time, but a silly amount of money so apparently needed for your ‘studies’. University life, if you choose to be lazy, can be an absolute blast if you manage to keep your lectures happy, your workload complete and your glass always full.

It is my absolute belief that unless you have been certain since the age of four you wish to become an astronaut that a gap year is something that cannot be overlooked. Having waited myself until almost twenty-five to leave my country and ‘discover myself’ I can honestly say it has been entirely worth it. Whilst I do not regret the degree I have gained, and I cannot change how I earned it, the fact that I have only just discovered my own desires for the future and that they are entirely non-history related plays a huge part on my University reflections. If I could indeed change those four years, I would instead have waited until now to apply for University, and instead reach a conclusion for my future on my own merit, and not those of the people who are looking for applicants and future students. If you are someone who cannot decide to continue future studies on your own, or even are unsure, then my advice would be to simply avoid it. It is no use attending University as half assed as I did, or quite simply winging it because all your friends are going. It is an incredibly valuable experience if you are committed to a career or have a broad interest in an area of something related to your future. It is incredibly hard to maintain an interest in something if it was not entirely there in the beginning, and for some people, this is too much and in the end, they choose to abandon their studies. To combat this, it should be easier and more acceptable to delay our studies until we are fully committed, as the costs of these endeavours is more expensive when you finally succumb to your path and find that the fees are incredibly expensive in future years.

Although my own experience was not indeed the best, I would encourage anybody and everybody to attempt to try if it is something that is beneficial to you in the long term. Obviously, if you have already learned your trade, I am of course not convincing you to take a gap year before applying for University. If it is something you indeed wish to complete, I would hope more young students are able to have the confidence to understand that you do not have to follow the example of continued studies, and it is perfectly acceptable to find your way and return to studies later, rather than find yourself saddled with an educational course you no longer enjoy. These reflections and subsequent advice is based purely on my personal education and the impact upon my future career and memories of studying, to let those who are entirely confused about adulthood understand that you are not alone, and that it is perfectly acceptable to have no ideas for your future, and to find them in as much time as it may take.

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‘Mark’

Mark

Where to start with this one. ‘Mark’ was one definitive person who gave me an incredible insight to the awful ways in which some people can behave. Not only can their actions affect themselves but also the way in which they choose to knowingly hurt other people and yet continue their road to destruction. Havoc is one word to describe Mark. The point of these romantic memoirs is to understand them and hopefully avoid the pitfalls again. But, also to get those feelings out, the negativity and the hidden damage it can cause. Often the view of the ‘mistress’ is one which is so negative, something that the person in question aimed to become, it was an intention and a goal, instead of an accident and a sweeping affair that claimed your heart and destroyed you for the long term. Although in this situation I had known Mark was in a relationship, the discussions we had and the way in which he acted led me to honestly believe that it was an unhappy one, that really, it was only due to living choices and a situation that this couple remained together. It was never my intention to destroy a relationship, it was instead to save someone from their own current heartbreak and replace it with something which I wholeheartedly believed I could give. To make two people happy, and yes, selfishly one of those people was myself. In a situation such as this it is always so easy to believe that you are the person in the right, even though you know you are morally wrong.

I met Mark the same way I have met so many others, through work. He was older, absolutely nothing I would consider my type and seemed so mature and capable of adult life. He was also in a long-term relationship, and seemingly happy both inside and outside of our working environment. Little did I know of course that this was never the case. Our relationship started innocently, I was on the verge of a promotion and the training I needed was assigned to Mark. The day before I was due to start said training, a simple message to outline early hours access to the building led to a conversation spanning into the early hours, and suddenly an unplanned friendship had begun.

Our work relationship soon became friendly, more personal talking than we had ever managed before, and obviously, I saw him in a whole new light. We were talking all day every day, behind his partners back and to the secrecy of my friends. No one could know at work, and no one could know outside. I guess at the time the secrecy was exciting. I honestly can’t understand what the attraction was, to me at the time this was a man who was fourteen years my senior, in a long term committed relationship and absolutely nothing like the sort of person I could ever be interested in. However, as time passed, I depended on those conversations, I looked forward to them, and I appreciated the open honesty and complexity of our relationship. There was absolutely nothing I couldn’t say. Nothing that can change his affection for me, there was no limit. The more we spoke, the more we depended, the more exciting the conversations became and the more sexual and openly we could converse. I am not entirely sure of how our conversations turned sexual, but once they had it was like a lightbulb moment, suddenly, the passion and the attraction were there. No longer were we co-workers, we were two people helplessly attracted to another despite the situation; or so I thought.

It seemed like we were in our own bubble, the conversations we had were based on confessions, things being said that couldn’t be discussed with his partner or both of our friends, and I think it was this that caused my infatuation, feeling like I was understood completely because I needed him, and he needed me as an outlet. He admitted all sorts of wild things, the things he wanted to do, the parts of him he never wished to share. And all I wanted in those moments was to continue to be that confidant, I believed it made us stronger. I thought this was how I would eventually win, how I would ensnare this person away from their awful partners clutches, how I would give them something no one else could have in the last thirty-four years of his life.

Once it became a physical and sexual romance I never saw what was exactly in front of my eyes. I viewed us as a relationship, I was single the entire time and I had never met his partner. She was no secret, she was always mentioned in conversations but in my view, if I didn’t see them together, they mustn’t exist. And so, I carried on, I found myself sneaking away at work to find precious moments in places we couldn’t be seen, and asking for places to go and things to do for us, ways to be alone that would almost transpire into real dates, a real relationship. As time passed and I was falling absolutely head over heels, he could do absolutely no wrong. I would hear the back end of conversations where his partner and his happy life would be mentioned, and I would feel no guilt as I would know this was a lie told to our colleagues and that I was the only person who could ever know the real life they lived. As ever, I was entirely wrong. I could never see the issues I was facing, the uncertainty of what I was doing or the things that were right in front of me. I can remember when an even younger, incredibly attractive girl started working with us, and immediately I was jealous. I was crazy, I heard through a friend he was friendly with her, and marking her shifts so they could work together. At this point I was fuming, and obviously, he had a convincing lie. I remember it was a turning point, I suddenly felt unsure of our future and I had to do something, the friends I had told of the situation knew it wasn’t right, and that something had to be done. I took the plunge, and I asked him to choose. I then sent the most awful and daring message I have ever wrote, and I think deep down I knew the answer. Of course, he had chosen her, of course he gave me the longest explanation as to why and tried to keep my ‘friendship’. The word friendship enraged me, I realised he had never felt the same, and the way in which he described our ‘friendship’ was an utter lack of respect towards anything that had previously happened. Everything from the point was fast paced downhill.

It was upon this realisation that I discovered so many things, I was made aware of another girl, a current co-worker who had also been privy to this wonderful person, whilst still in his current relationship. This for me was a point in which I saw the beauty of the situation, somebody so unhappy they looked for an outlet, an easy target, anyone who he could manipulate. At that point in my life it, he had chosen me. It was unbelievable at the point to realise how stupid I had become, and how much I had trusted someone who was so experienced with the lies they were telling that they almost believed them, and the way they were so casual about their actions and the consequences they never thought they would have to endure. The only way I felt able to deal with this situation was to cut this person out, try as I might we were still working together, still in the same environment every day, only this time, we weren’t the same. This was heartbreaking, and it seemed as if stories and conversations of him and his partner were becoming news, always spoken about like he had something to prove. I had to sit there, say nothing, do nothing, but feel an aching desire twinned with a hatred for someone who had not only ruined my pride, but broken my heart.

Although our working life was a huge obstacle, it was inevitably bearable. We became two opposites, never speaking, never communicating, unless of course we had to, and even then, it was the absolute bare minimum. It was too difficult, too depressing. I was still what appeared to be a bunny boiling ex, obsessed and infatuated and yet there he was, continuing his perfectly lovely life with no guilt, and no remorse, and no bad karma for his actions.

Throughout this whole situation I had still never seen the partner. Of course, I had stalked her on Facebook and Twitter, analysed them as couple to understand if their smiling photos was a truth to our conversations. To the untold eye it was blissful, and true, and I was quite literally the home wrecking mistress who just couldn’t let go. I tried, several times to forget and move on, but every day was a constant reminder. To add to this, our mutual friend was getting married, an invite we had both had for months, an event I knew was looming and something I couldn’t avoid, and obviously, I knew she would be attending.

The wedding date drew closer and the whole day is still a blur. I was absolutely dreading it, seeing them together for the first ever time but I also felt prepared, I purchased and wore what I felt was a knockout dress, and I made an effort to look my absolute best for a person I didn’t even know. I wanted to prove I was the better choice, more of everything and everything he ever wanted. Sadly, this was not the case. Upon first sight of her she was amazing, prettier than me, smaller than me, more intelligent and classy, and of course wearing the most ladylike dress that covered her knees and still made her look amazing. The second the ceremony was over I headed straight for the bar. I was drinking shots at 3pm, skipping the buffet and ignoring an entire section of a room to avoid a conversation. How could I introduce myself? How could I dare to look a woman in the eye when I wold know for months on end I had been enjoying her boyfriend. To me it was wrong, and so I drank, I drank all day and all evening, making myself obvious to anyone who noticed that I was ignoring and avoiding this one person, and telling anyone who asked my story.

The events of the night are so awfully hazy, according to my friends I was alternating between drunken dances, multiple quick spirits, and crying in a doorway outside. I don’t know what it was, the sight of them together was truly heartbreaking. Everything that had ever been said was a lie, they were not unhappy, they were discussing plans to move abroad, a future that would never and would never have included me in it. It was more of an earth-shattering reality than our relationship simply ending, it was instead such an absolute embarrassment that I had ever been caught in this situation, that everybody had known how stupid I had become and, yet I was still defending it, making it sound so innocent and pure, a real love story. Eventually I was asked to leave, this was still a close friend’s wedding reception, and not my right moment to be crying my stupid tears in a corner. At the time it was the only way I knew how to deal with it, to process it, and in the moment, I didn’t think of the way it wold impact someone else’s special day.

In the time that followed it was like dealing with my heartbreak all over again. I had finally come to my senses and realised the horror of my actions, I was left to feel dirty, and ashamed, and awful, whilst he continued his perfect life, never feeling how I did, and probably on his way to finding his next victim. I think the main lesson I learnt from the whole entire experience was that in a period of six months, you can go from being in what feels like the most amazing relationship and having an endless list of future possibilities to being knocked back ten paces and rebuilding your faith in people, because one person decided that instead of being open and honest, and giving up someone who they treated awfully, to instead quite frankly use and abuse the first available person who comes your way. It is a shame that to rebuild my own confidence and self-worth it had to take an experience like this, one which was not the best, one which almost ruined my career, to learn that I can never treat somebody the same, or allow the same to happen to me for a second time.

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Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband

Last week, I had the pleasure of talking with a lovely Australian married couple. Upon the subject of dating, and Australian men, they gave me a rather interesting insight. Obviously, it may not be correct that one size fits all, but the line that stuck out in our conversation was this; ‘Australian men find women too assertive’. This struck a chord with me, now although I am not Australian, and this sentence may not have been aimed at English women at all, it did however, give me something to think about. I have been single now for what seems like forever, but, for a second, if we look at the message it could be true. Is this the reason a surprising amount of my relationships have failed? Of course, I am only in my twenties, there are years ahead before I even feel the need to settle down, or become the wife type or even worry about my future romances in general. But, the quote from the lovely couple made me think of future questions, and the way in which I approach dating. Could it be that I am too assertive? That I am too independent? That the fantasy of damsels in distress and spending your life at the behest of someone to look after just isn’t my forte? That hard as I try, I am not cut out for a relationship that involves one person stronger than the other? If I am ever married, or even close, I’d hope the person in question stumbles across this, and understands that, sadly, I’m rather unlikely to ever change. To add fuel to the assertive fire, if you boil down my relationship personality, this simple guide will help Mr Future Husband along.

I just don’t need you;

Having been single for a long term, I have learned to understand it as a blessing.  It requires you to move on your own two feet and learn how to be on your own. As a result, I know myself and I appreciate my alone time. I could never imagine myself with another person 24/7, that isn’t a part of who I am. I’m a true believer in appreciating yourself, and not living for the sake of others. I don’t believe in ‘The One’ and the ideology that once you find that person, you are suddenly 100% whole. I do not believe it takes another person for that to happen, it is entirely possible to be alone forever, and to continue to learn and grow without another person by your side. When I decided to leave England and move to Australia, that was my own choice, nobody booked my flight, and nobody helped me move. If I can leave one life and succeed in starting another by myself, you can guarantee that I won’t be calling and asking for a hand hold in a tough situation.

I won’t be settling down anytime soon;

It may be the most obvious, and yet to some it may not, but sadly, I am in absolutely no rush to become a wife or a mother. Whether we like it or not, society defines us by our age, and the way we live our lives often comes down to where we should be going, or how we should be living in accordance to this. I may be in my early twenties, but that does not mean I am planning where to spend the duration of my 30’s or what country I’ll be retiring in. I don’t believe that it is a necessity to have children if you are married, or that you must marry because you have been dating for the last ten years. I wish to set my own rules when it arrives about my life and my future, and my age and others around me have no influence. I could have friends that are all engaged, every family member with children but it would not change a thing, my age is personally just a number, and although in my younger years I followed the example of school, university, profession, I have hugely grown away from this cycle and enjoy the uncertainty of my life as it is. If I reach 42 and decide to have a child, that is my wish, and my decision once it arrives. I’ll never bow down to the idea that I should stick to a plan, or give my life some meaning because I am almost the wrong side of 25.

I don’t need rescuing, or protecting;

In case you’ve been living under a rock these past twenty years, may I remind you that society is changing, and it is no longer a man’s world upon which we live. The rise of feminism, equality, and independence among people is growing, and long gone are the days in which we believed it was up to a man to rescue us. Believe it or not, there are not many situations of which we can’t find a way out, whether that be through intelligence or resources, and it’s often an answer we find within ourselves, and not in a relationship partner.

I am difficult, and probably won’t need you around;

When it comes to relationships, I don’t need them. Of course, it would be nice to have a partner in crime, but as a physical need, it’s not on my list. I’ve come to learn that I’m doing just about fine on my own, and a future relationship can add to my life, but I highly doubt it has the potential to change my life by itself, in such a way that I could not by myself. The only person that is truly capable of doing that is myself. I guess in a way I’m possibly just too independent for someone else, I just don’t need looking after and I won’t pretend to satisfy somebody else’s needs.

I am a huge hypocrite, 90% of the time, and I’m fine with it;

Having said that I am completely capable of attempting adult life by myself, that is not with saying I am the biggest victim of hypocrisy I know. Often, I find that I live by one rule with no issue and others are different. I will no doubt expect attention when I wish for it, and yet rebuff it when you attempt the same. I am not completely sure as to why, but I guess it’s just in my nature to be mildly selfish, especially through years of difficult relationships. I’ve learnt the hard way the value of keeping a love interest at arm’s length, and the benefits of falling for someone slower than in the past.

I really don’t appreciate gifts, and you won’t need to ‘spoil’ me;

I mean, seriously, what is the point? I have earned my own money from a young age, and I have no desire for a gift just because every couple example you know spends a fortune on each other at random intervals. I am old enough to purchase myself something, I don’t continue to write Christmas lists, I don’t have a wish list for birthdays, if I want something, I’ll buy it, even if it takes me years. A random gift is not something we can use to estimate the amount of love people share, it doesn’t put a value on romance. And to be quite honest, if I come home and you’ve splashed out on an elaborate gift, the first thing I would feel is guilty, what did I do to deserve it, what is it for, why do I need it? Material things are just not the way into my good books.

Now, don’t get me wrong, none of the above points are to say that I would not enjoy a relationship if I happened to stumble into one, I enjoy both the positives and the negatives and appreciate them as they come. I’m just merely appreciative of the single life, and I am highly against the notion of needing a partner to feel like the person you wish to be, or a whole person. It would be amazing if we could appreciate ourselves for who and what we are and discover this on our own merit, and learn to love ourselves as a single unit, so that we may continue to flourish onto our own path naturally, without outside influence.

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A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self

A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self

 There are so many things that I wish I had known when I was sixteen. The list could go on forever, the right way to do things, the right choices to make, the right paths to follow, but I’d like to hope the result would always be the same. The path to adulthood is difficult, it’s almost as if you’re supposed to fail, there’s a road set out to follow and yet you always end up off track. I envy those people with life goals, the people that have known since their very beginning where their lives are headed, and how exactly they plan to get there. I don’t honestly think I have ever had a clear map to my future, I’m an impatient individual with a tendency to give in to a phase or a flickering idea, I’m not one to think about tomorrow or five years’ time, and my decisions so often reflect this. Now that I believe I’ve almost come to a road that’s clear and in the right direction for myself, it’s easy to look back and understand how the choices we make have influenced in the years that have led to this point. And so, because of that, the purpose of this article is a fantasy, to explain to my younger self, if I had the real option, how things develop, how they change, and lastly, how this is all, incredibly fine.

The only way I can imagine this would be if I was having a conversation with myself, a physical letter may not serve the purpose enough, it wouldn’t examine as much depth of the life of a teenager as a colloquial conversation would. If I was to look at my younger self now the first thing I would say is that everything truly does get better with time. Being a teenager is hard, everything is happening, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions and changes that are coupled with the influences of people around you, it’s so incredibly difficult to find and know who you are at such a young age with so many people around you that are also struggling, that are finding their own directions and may or may not be influencing yours. When I think back to the problems I believed that I had at that age I know that I can confidently say that things do improve. All I wanted at that age was to be the same as everybody else. Being different was dirty, being individual was weird and so misunderstood. If you didn’t fit in you just did not fit in. No second chances, people find it hard to accept what they do not understand. It’s so easy to be lost in a crowd and bury whatever it is you want to become in favour of what you think is important. I’d love to say to her that being passionate about something is incredibly important, it’s something to believe in, something to protect, and never something to forget about. I’d tell her to embrace the individuality that makes a person different, I’d tell her to get lost in more books, to paint anything and everything, and to write every day, instead of plucking your eyebrows to barely there patches because at the time it was ‘what everyone else was doing’.

I wish I could tell myself to stop modifying things that just are not a problem. My eyebrows were perfect at sixteen, they did not need maintenance, they didn’t even need plucking. And yet, to be my very best self, I ruined them for the sake of vanity because I believed it was what I was supposed to be doing. I’d tell myself to leave my hair alone, I’d ask for someone to remind me constantly that you can’t ever get your natural hair colour back, that for the last eight years the jet black I’ve had in my hair will take years to grow out or the destruction of my hair to change. I’d tell myself to listen, to look at the women around her to understand that everybody is different and unique. Having two older sisters did not make me ugly, it didn’t mean I had something to prove. It was entirely acceptable to be nobody but myself. Constantly trying new types of eye makeup, different brow pencils and attempting a new hair dye was not my way of expressing myself, it was a way to be noticed, and a way to attract attention, because at that age it seemed like that was always the end goal. I wish I could explain that other people’s opinions are never the route to acceptance or happiness. If one person tells you that you are the most beautiful person in the room, it can be a compliment, it can be flattering, but it doesn’t have to be the only voice that you hear. The beauty in growing up and growing older is finally accepting and knowing things about yourself that you would have always seen as a negative, or never seen at all.

It’s shameful to admit that at the midpoint of my teenage years I was less focused on my future and more focused with the present. Such a huge part of those adolescent years was spent listening, and learning from the crowds that were bigger, more sociable, more popular, and aiming to be the same. From spending your pocket money on new bag that every girl seemed to have or accepting that you were ‘a reserve for my birthday party’, the thought process of myself at that age was built upon the foundations of other people’s ideologies. Whatever other people were doing, I wanted to be doing it. When all the teens in my year were having sex, I was desperate to do the same. I can remember discussing with a friend the best way to ‘lose it’, trying to arrange to go to an older friend’s house party to finally shake those ‘v plates’, because suddenly in your last year of high school it was something you just had to be without. On that topic I would tell her to never ever, have those thoughts. To never think that anything is acceptable to do because other people do it. I’ve managed to keep to this mentality for at least the last two years, but this is only due to a realisation that I have nobody to please other than myself, as it is only my life I am living. The person I was at sixteen did not know this, she had absolutely no clue that you can ever forge your own opinions, never dare to think outside the box. Luckily for me I think that house party was cancelled, and I can remember to this day feeling like I had lost out on an opportunity, as every time I wasn’t having this sex everybody spoke about, I would be yet again missing out on the latest craze.

There are so many things that to understand, you must go through. I am a huge believer in growth and change, and we cannot get anywhere in any life that we have if we learn nothing from a mistake or a misdirection. I would thoroughly enjoy talking to my younger self, understanding the negative thoughts, processing them, and explaining where they come from and how I would eventually resolve them. I would love to see the change, witness it through my own eyes and understand how a personality can change throughout the teens to early adulthood. It would be fascinating, except that it would indeed be entirely impossible. It is only as we grow older that we learn to be comfortable in our own skin, and through that process understand the route it takes from the unhappy teenage years of change and growing to reach this point, as an adult, with the wisdom that eventually, it’s quite simply relatively normal, and healthy, to be completely different.

In the present, I think that the main thing that I could tell my younger self is just to carry on. When you feel like you don’t know where you are going, or you don’t know who you are, the only real advice is to believe in better. Believe in change, or just simply something different. I would tell that younger girl in front of me to never give up on anything, and to accept an obstacle as it hits, as, to be completely honest, sixteen or thirty, there is nothing we can’t overcome.

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Eleven Things I’ve Learnt About the ‘Cam Girl’ Life

Eleven Things I’ve Learnt About the ‘Cam Girl’ Life

I’ve thought about many areas of employment, and I’ve always been intrigued by the ways in which people can become successful, either at a young age or incredibly quickly. I’ve come across several articles on Cam Girls and by sheer coincidence I happened to become good friends with one. In the short time I’ve known this model I’ve formulated my own opinion on this world, and in all honesty, it can be amazing. It’s empowering and does give a certain degree of control over a working life. I of course respect those that are brave enough to make their living through an online persona, it takes an incredible amount of work and dedication, but whilst it can look so easy and dignified, it is worth making sure to educate those who are thinking that this career choice is not without risk, or is something that is so easy to jump into, with no regard to safety and precautions. If you’re thinking of entering this world, take a step back from thinking about the perks of being your own boss and controlling your working hours to consider these points, the negative sides of any employment are never explained or truly understood through bias. Though I myself am not a cam girl, I can honestly divulge that having spent so much time around one, and understanding their day to day life, this area of employment is not without criticism.

 1.You’ll think you have a thick skin; but you don’t –

Going in, this career sounds amazing, the benefits, the perks, the merch, but sadly, once it becomes a real source of income, everything becomes ammunition. When somebody else pays your bills because of how you’ve performed or because of what you are doing for them, a negative impact can be even more hurtful. If somebody passes you by and calls you a name on the street, it won’t be dipping into your rent money. But if somebody walks into your live stream and shatters your confidence mid-performance? It may just lead you to sign off and try again the next day, all whilst losing those hours of traffic and streams. Be prepared to play your game face. Whether we agree or not, the confidence of online trolls is bigger than ever, and whilst there may be those genuine souls, the internet tends to be harsh on us, there is no confrontation behind a screen and keyboard warriors can be such a big influence on our mindset if faced with them on multiple days and platforms.

2. You’ll be living with a secret –

Whether you choose to tell your nearest and dearest or not, you’ll have some explaining to do. Never leaving your house but have money to burn? Suspicious. Always glued to your phone and giving an excuse? Telling people you work in an office but you’re always home by 2pm? Although sex work is less frowned upon in this life than possibly in the last, not everybody will be comfortable with your line of work. Whoever you choose to tell, some may not agree. And if they don’t, be prepared to fight for your corner, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And for those you don’t tell, find a cover and stick to it. If this is a secret job on the side, or something you just enjoy doing, unless your 100% upfront, it may be wise to be wary that you’ll be hiding something and keeping it secret. Whether it’s your secret or theirs, the nature of your work is secretive. Whether it is lying about your age or pretending you live in a different time zone, learn to lie.

3. It might just take over your life –

Depending on the nature of your work, and what sort of communication is permitted, you may find yourself glued to your phone, building personal relationships with people you have absolutely no interest in other than the contents of their wallet. Be prepared to give it your all. You may have to talk on the phone, you may have to ask about someone’s day. You may even have to message them until they fall asleep every night – the possibilities really are endless. If you’re selling a social media platform – you’re going to be expected to use it.

4. Your new relationship could hit a wall –

Now, as I’ve previously said, sex work is more common and more openly discussed in this day and age than ever before. Sex is now something that is celebrated, that is open, and something that isn’t necessarily to be ashamed of, unless of course if your object of desire is a criminal act. However, a person’s opinion is exactly that, and if you are open and honest or lying completely, a romantic relationship is possible to hit a snag if your line of work is not something they can handle or even agree with. It might not happen on every occasion, there are people that manage incredibly well and it doesn’t affect a relationship at all, but it’s something to think about if the cam girl career is for you.

5. Be prepared to find yourself on the internet –

You may not have thought of it, but the minute you are broadcasting online, making a video, on a webcam, your footage is on the internet. Easy to find, and available for anyone to record. You may have videos on YouTube that you don’t even know exist. The cam girl life can be wonderful and exciting, but it’s worth remembered it is certainly not private. You may think as much when stripping in your online chatroom, but the sad reality is that anyone who chooses to view is entirely open to keeping a saved recording on any device they have. It may be glamorous to be naked for a price but it’s no longer exciting to you if there are things you wouldn’t wish for others to see floating around the internet. A live feed does not guarantee privacy, and this is worth remembering.

6. You’ll need to make some effort –

It’s no use just putting on your camera every day, the internet is a huge base for every desire any person has. For some people yes, it may just be enough to show your personality. But for others, you may be required to work at it. Make no mistake, this can be a real art if you procure your niche. Otherwise, you’re going to need something to set you apart. And once you have, be prepared for the attention and affection some may expect from you after you’ve shown them all they may have wanted for x amount of time.

7. Watch your lies –

It’s no use telling all your oldest clients you’ve suddenly broken a leg and need a huge operation – and then dancing around the house on Snapchat. If someone is paying for your attention, or your time, they will be keeping track. Subconsciously most likely, but still noticing the little things. It may not pay to let someone know exactly how much money you are making, but suddenly being in a different financial state and begging for your rent cheque will not instore faith in your clients. If you have a somewhat important relationship with them, lying incorrectly won’t keep them, it’s more than likely paving the way to a client loss and your frenemy gaining that latest #1 spot.

8. You’ll need to understand and separate your personas –

Offensive as it may sound, but there is no doubt some form of personality change once you build a career in this. As much as you perform and give your clients a show, you are, effectively relying on other people to pay your bills. The cam girl life is employment, not a way of life. If your friends have known you for years, you won’t be able to suddenly expect them to pay for your Snapchat name, or constantly shout for dinner because you are ‘a big deal’. There will come a time when you will have to realise online is online, and unless you are happy with becoming someone who wants everything for free, learn to separate work and home. Although it is a different style of employment, you work whilst at work, and then once outside of it, you are just your usual self. The world won’t change for you.

9. Your safety should be your biggest concern –

Not every person on the internet is a weirdo, not everybody wants something for nothing and not everybody is dangerous. But for those that are, keep yourself protected. There are risks that appear when a person/people become the object of a living fantasy. And for those that are in the dangerous population, some may wish the fantasy was a real-life version. Work in a safe space, and if needed give a different location and never a real address. If this is just a job for you, you won’t be wanting strangers on your doorstep.

10. Work your audience properly –

Maybe it’s basic, maybe it isn’t. Putting on a show and earning the dollars from a real experience from a client’s point of view, is always going to be worth more than simply asking, or begging, for your bills to be paid. The internet is a forum where, realistically, so much is allowed. If you can juggle, juggle, if you can sing, sing your heart out. You can make money from your talents and remain non- nude. You can perform any act in a sexual way. The possibilities are endless, but go into this with some form of plan, because begging is not something that will pay. Trying to gain a following through tears may not gain you the respectful career you may wish for, if this is a career goal and a lifestyle choice, from my own knowledge, it’s something you want to be able to be worthy of, and good at, and not just rely on childish behaviour.

11. Be prepared to spend –

It’s an age-old testament – you’ve got to spend money to make money. Whether it’s toys, lingerie or just props, these things cost. And although a fair amount is claimable in tax, it’s advisable to have a budget. Anybody can be naked online, if you’re going to work at it, you may be spending more than you thought.

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