isthisapoetry

[isthisapoetry]

my dear

my dear, you are my favorite color the color of the sky before a spring rainstorm the color of the sea when you are in the window seat on an airplane the color of my favorite sweatshirt the color of everything i love and every time i see it i think of you (it is all the time at this point, it's really quite a habit) how am i supposed to explain my smile to my parents at the dinner table or in the car or at the grocery store because they don't know how i feel about you my dear i would give you anything and everything but i don't have much so i will give you all of my time all of my love i will give my ear to listen to your problems i will give you advice and jokes when they are needed i will give you a shoulder to lean on and a hand to help every time we talk i pause wondering if know is a good time to say i love you i decide it never is with every book i send i think of writing how i feel putting it in words for you to read but what if it's too much? i am just a child how can i know what love is you, my dear, are an enigma difficult to read at times a mystery unfolding in my mind a book written in code that i read for hours i can never tell quite what you are thinking and yet sometimes i know you i know what you are going to say because i have figured out how to think like you i know bits and pieces of your past (from what you tell me on those late-night calls) i have been in the present with you i hope to see your future you gave me a new name the first time you said it out loud  i was finally comfortable in my own skin you told your parents about me (you said they don't like me much) you told your family about my nickname for you you said you like my name for you better than your real one i have never felt happier is this what truly being known by someone is like? last night i dreamt of you and the night before and the night before you are my favorite color you are like smoke that i breathe in enveloping me whole i wouldn't have it any other way and if you leave (by your own device, or by chance) yes, i will be sad but i will always look back on now and be filled with warmth and i will always look for you in every crowded room and in every grocery line just if, to only, see a glimpse of you again i want to know you for the rest of my life its all i want really what will you do? where will you go? will you follow out with those plans you told me about? my dear, i want to grow old with you and i want to make bad decisions and good ones too will we go on that road trip? i hope we do we can go to rhode island and i can teach you to ride a bike and you can tell me all things you know and we can buy junk food at gas stations and watch the sunset my dear, how am i supposed to tell you all this? to put it in words wouldn't do it justice

[isthisapoetry]

oh, the broken shards will cut you, be careful where you fall

you stare at the mirror and the reflection of a person in it. that is you, you know that, and you know you know that reflection is you. its a fact just like gravity or the sun setting. but you can't help to notice the way, that your face seems more drawn like you have been scrunching your brows together quite a bit and now that facial expression has stuck. and your eyes well, they seem more tired. been doing a lot of searching these days?  thinking too much? you shake your head as if it is some complicated etch-a-sketch with an unsatisfactory drawing, trying to clear and compartmentalize your brain. out of muscle memory, out of routine, you reach your hand up to absentmindedly push away your hair from your face. you had forgotten. remember? you started styling your hair so it stayed out of your face, started brushing it for once, it makes you look more grown-up, y'know? I like the change, you should keep it. you begin to say to shut it, but stop yourself. why would you say anything? there's no one there, that is true, you know that. another fact that doesn't explain the idiosyncrasies of this situation. ah, you always had a way of rationalizing everything didn't you, there had to be rhyme or reason for every choice and every instance. Shut up. you say it out loud, surprising yourself with the hate in your voice, and surprising yourself even more with how good it felt to say it. didn't they ever teach you not to use mean words? they would be soo disappointed, I'm sure of it. Shut. Up. your head hangs low, and you study the scratches in the sink, out of spite, to ignore it. oh the cold shoulder huh, realllyy mature. you know you can't ignore me. you shake your head, violently, as if there was some parasite in your brain you were trying to get loose. your body is trembling. is it from fear? anger? you don't know, frankly, you don't care anymore. I'm still here, nice try though. just go away, please. you think to yourself that you must be going crazy, that you finally lost it. or maybe you're dying, and you're hallucinating in your last few moments. well, you aren't dying, but for the crazy thing, well, you might be right on that one. but I'm just as real as you are and there's no getting rid of me. tears are falling now, they hit the sink and make a tiny sound. you make no move to wipe your face, tears are the least of your problems right now. who, you pause and correct yourself. what are you? the laughing begins inside your head but then it expands, pressing on your ears, filling the room with its vicious sound. it isn't until you look up, at the mirror and stare into what should be your face (but it isn't anymore) that you realize that it is your mouth making that sound, that horrible hateful sound. oh? haven't you heard? you watch yourself say, with a smirk dancing across your lips. I'm you.

[isthisapoetry]

crumbling to pieces in the absence of you

i could lose myself in you and i think have but you pull away taking me and my happiness along which is farther, the distance from my house to your house the distance between our messages or distance between us when we used to be so close every night we spent talking every secret call all those inside jokes those moments when we lingered in each others company,  not wanting to part but knowing we had to go we had so many plans for the future i let you in on the secrets held in my mind and you told me things you didn't even know about yourself you were the one person i trusted to hold me why are you leaving? i guess ill never ask you because every message is seen but i doubt that it is heard i've had my share of heartbreak and pain but, my dear, this is different this isn't my heart, breaking. this is my heart being ripped from my chest being crushed being afraid being frozen, not knowing how to pose the question what is happening? how do you feel about me? when you said you would never leave, did you mean it? this is being alone and yet this pain isn't your fault, this is the eventual crawl of time everything must fall apart i thought our bond could last i guess not maybe we can fix this maybe when i see you again, the clouds will lift the fog of time will disappear  the sunshine of your smile will warm my face and things will go back to how they were but nothing is sure nothing is definite forever is an abstract concept infinity is common the future is blurry the past is gone we choose to go on

[isthisapoetry]

identity crisis?

if i cover my skin in ink i will no longer be me will i finally be comfortable here? will i not look in disgust at my own reflection? make myself a drawing recreation of what i am in 7 years all my cells will be different every day i am changing and evolving but yet i remain the same  nothing happens, yet i change how can be something be stagnant and moving i can't tell the difference between reality and my dreams what is a real memory, they aren't real? zoning out is my permanent state reality is on the back-burner as a defense mechanism

[isthisapoetry]

i know you like the back of my hand

my hands aren't very pretty they are bony and always covered in ink and scars my fingernails are never even and often have chipped black nail polish spattering them my palms are soft but covered in calluses  my knuckles are almost always scratched and a faded tattoo of an eye sits on the back of my left hand when im nervous i bite the skin on my fingertips  so they are uneven and sometimes they bleed sometimes i snort when i laugh and my hair is never brushed my eyeliner isn't even he still says im pretty because im me i can't wait to hold your hand our relationship is well worn the lines traced over and over again not out of madness  but out of familiarity like your favorite trail you walk every day but yet it never gets boring its never the same ever-changing ever-evolving going into the future confident enough to keep living because we know we aren't alone we have each other.

[isthisapoetry]

the world is ending and i have to sit in class

i don't want to live here anymore i have to pay to keep living i have to get a job ill hate and live unhappily my plan was to go to art college because i love art i don't want to be in student debt water falls from the sky and yet people still die of thirst it is just an accepted fact it shouldn't be the norm im filled with anger at every unfair thing in the world my parents say i dont get to be jaded because i have an easy life im still angry why is healthcare so expensive? if you cant pay for it they just let you die i hate it here sure, america is ok well actually it isn't we live on stolen land, there is systematic racism, homelessness is through the roof, the government is pandering to companies, people are starving and the government spends all its money on military equipment so they can go bomb other countries for their oil, why is the minimum wage so low?  when people say this isn't the america i know! this isn't us! yes it is. when have we ever been good? as a country? no we fucking haven't, don't kid yourself.  there have been times where america is enjoyable for some  but their happiness has always ridden on the backs of dying people during biden's inauguration, i wasn't excited i was relieved, for a moment  but then i realized that not much was gonna change they will smooth other small issues, not making big changes for fear of people being outspoken god forbid they change the minimum wage in a short period of time! lets do it over five fucking years they said god i hate it here i won't capitalize america i won't say the pledge (ill stand during it so the teachers don't look at me funny) is that disrespectful? yes thats the point. i don't want to pledge my allegiance to something i don't believe in.  america is beautiful! they say, think of the rivers and mountains! that isn't america thats just land that we stole that we are destroying for money my history textbook i want to burn it and dance around the fire never once do they badmouth america or tell the truth its always a watered-down version so they can force-feed it to us easier i am filled with anger and it has nowhere to go i cant make a change (not much anyway) im too busy doing pointless tasks in school so i can be rewarded with a stupid number so hopefully one day when im living by myself i will have an okay job so i don't die how is no one else as angry as me? how can people just look at millionaires and then look at the homeless and global warming and just everything that is wrong that we created and just say well, thats just how it is no that isn't how it is it should be different  we should be doing something about this! and yet im so tired i don't want to try i just want to sit in my room and listen to music and cry because i feel so tired and i know that i cant help a lot i cant save all of it so is it pointless to try? should i try to save the world or should i try to save myself

[isthisapoetry]

i fall in love with strangers at the airport

i like to think that i will become the kind of person that i would be entranced by let me explain i hope to look strange enough to spark interest in my brain, to wonder where this person came from i wonder what their name is what are they doing here? where are they going? do they like coffee? or do they prefer a cup of tea? i would admire their makeup or maybe their clothes and i would wish  "dang, i wish i was cool as them" because as soon as i look in the mirror and realize that i would want to me i am finally happy. watching strangers is like a kind of star watching because they are so far and distant, yet you can see them you can be there, in the background, in a moment of their lives watch them buy a coffee, or laugh with a friend maybe make eye contact for a moment and know that they will forget you, and you will forget them

[isthisapoetry]

fickle thing

oh you, fickle little thing. you say you hate me, yet you won't leave me, you don't push me away far enough. i always come back, you cant scrub me off your skin. i make you cry in the shower water hotter and hotter and  hotter, hands and feet red.  you fear me. i can see it in your eyes, the way that you look at me like an enemy, terrified. yet you hold my hand lean on my shoulder. i make you numb. standing outside without a coat, the weather gets, colder and colder and colder, fingers blue, lips purple arent you cold? someone asks, some concerned friend. you laugh, in that way of yours throwing your head back a soft smile on your lips. (those lips i never kissed) no, you say, im not cold, teeth chattering i don't feel cold at all. that's a lie and we both know it. but why would i care about you? i just used you. i shoved you into that empty hole in my heart, tried to get you to fit a square peg in a round hole. and then when i didn't fit, you threw me away. you went on to other girls breaking them into pieces to try and fix yourself. oh you fickle thing, jumping from girl to girl trying to feel happy again. i pity you. the monster who cries at night, the boy who did nothing right. poor fickle thing, you went from loving me and trying to win me (warm light of a summer day) to  ignoring me and pretending you didn't know me. (bitter wind of a winter night) i pity you. you, the broken, heartless, boy who hurt so many. you, who failed again and again. i laugh at your goddamn pain. i thank you for the gifts you left me, the fear, the sadness, the unwillingness to trust again. someday i will come down from the sky, bathed in fire and light and you will fear me for once. my eyes will look into your soul and you will feel small, scared, tiny, and alone. instead of my heart dropping every time i think i hear your name, or every time i see a glimpse of a person like you, it will be your  blackened, hardened, heart who will fear me. i will no longer be held powerless by you.

[isthisapoetry]

...

the cursor it mocks me with its stare the empty paper the blank white of not knowing what to write no ideas is it writers block or hesitation of revealing  my thoughts putting them on paper i cant tell the difference between them so

[isthisapoetry]

one thing or another

increasing kinetic energy snowballing its a slippery slope that spiral an object at rest stays at rest sitting in your bed staring at the ceiling  procrastinating homework no will to do anything unless acted upon by an outside force an object in motion stays in motion staying up as late as you can starting a million projects train of thought derailed constantly unless acted upon by an outside force a life of extremes is often destructive increasing kinetic energy the spiral

[isthisapoetry]

wow you said that my nickname for you you said that you liked it better than your real name that it felt more you i cried when you said that (in a good way i told you) (you were concerned) i feel the same way as you do about the nicknames hearing you say your nickname for me for the first time out loud was euphoric in text the sentiment was diluted sun-bleached by the stark whiteness of the screen but your face your goddamn face when you said it for the first time i somehow melted but also flew jesus christ i think   I might     love you

[isthisapoetry]

the fall

take my voice im giving it though i dont feel safe at all i cant trust the fall he almost never turned his camera on when we called and even if he did all i could see was a black screen he always wanted me to turn my camera on i never wanted to i did anyway distracting myself with video games or tilting the camera away from myself he never talked about himself or what he felt or what he thought he talked about what he wanted from me being used this is a different feeling you turned your camera on first  because i was uncomfortable with turning mine on at first we were out of practice talking to each other we went from always talking to practically not talking but then we found the cadence again with more nervous laughter than before maybe but we found it you talked about things about yourself about your childhood and i knew in that moment i could trust you more than anything we called the entire night when we finally had to go you lingered you wanted to say something you were thinking when i was falling asleep you talked about richard nixon and coding and video game music i turned my camera on eventually when you saw i did your face lit up  my brain froze from a million different emotions  all good and wonderful i tried to show you the sunset from out the window you could just barely see it i wouldnt trade these moments for anything its what makes life worth living and worth fighting for so thank you for sticking around take my voice im giving it because i trust you i feel safe i can trust this fall

[isthisapoetry]

late night conversations

we stayed up so many nights talking way into the morning about everything and anything you wished me happy birthday when you werent supposed to but because you did you got your phone taken away so you had your computer and you typed as quietly as you could you listened and replied even when you werent available i texted you anyway most of the time we werent texting each at the same time just leaving notes now we email rarely  but every word is wonderful you said sorry we dont talk as much  its okay knowing you are okay is enough i mean yeah it sucks but this is survivable and we will get through this ill see you again  and then (and as you said) we will sigh a breath of relief on each other's shoulders until then, check your fucking email :)

[isthisapoetry]

lose my breath

i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath can i lay my head on your chest? i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath walk me to my next class? i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath you were my first kiss i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath i could taste your lips i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath we are just friends right? i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath we make jokes i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath implied subtext i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath too long hugs i dont wanna be your friend i want to lose my breath i wanna be more than friends i want to hold you close and take naps with you and kiss the top of your head and go on dates and watch movies and feel you close and lay on your lap i wanna be more than friends i wanna lose my breath

[isthisapoetry]

a letter ill never send to you

i hate you i hate the way you smile with your eyes when i laugh  i hate the way you held my hand when i was nervous about presenting in front of the class i hate the way you overdramatically read romeo and juliet while looking at me and giving me a wink i hate the way you traced shapes on my thigh absentmindedly i hate the way you made me laugh i hate the way you would talk about my eyes i hate the way you would hug me and let me cry on your shoulder i hate the way you kissed my scars i hate the way you didn't like watermelon jolly ranchers and would give them to me i hate the way you sing badly i hate the way you fiddled with the back of my necklace when i would nap in class i hate the way you hold a guitar and softly played songs i hate the way you pushed me onto your lap and tickled me i hate the way you chased me around and swooped me up into your arms i hate the way you played with my hair when i was tired i hate the way you would tap my hand three times when i tapped yours three times i hate the way you doodled with me  i hate the way you liked red skittles i hate the way you give me compliments i hate the way you whispered jokes into my ear i hate the way you gave me your jacket when i was cold i hate the way you teased me when i would lose a card game i hate the way you talked with me about all my crazy ideas and never called me weird i hate you i hate when you would get angry i hate when you would ignore me i hate when you would date my best friend and kiss her in front of me i hate when you would ask for nudes i hate when you would never have time for me i hate when you would never call me back i hate when you would not listen i hate when you would lie i hate when you would only text me when you wanted something from me i hate when you would say "look at me" i hate when you would grab my face i hate when you would manipulate me i hate when you would never tell me how you felt i hate when you would make me do things i didn't want to do i hate you i hate you because i know you are bad for me i hate you because i know i still care about you, just a little i hate you because i know you don't give a damn about me i hate you because i know you are broken and its not your fault i hate you because i know about all the promises you broke i hate you because i know my friends hate you i hate you because i know almost nothing about you i hate you because i know you ruined and wasted 2 years of mine i hate you because i know i can't forget you i hate you i hate you because i don't know who you are i hate you because i don't know if ill be able to hear your name without my heart dropping i hate you because i don't know that ill ever stop looking for your face in a crowd i hate you because i don't know if you ever meant anything you said i hate you because i don't know i dont know if i really hate you

[isthisapoetry]

attention

That's what i get for being the easy child in this world of sound no one pays attention to the silent mime i both love and hate the limelight its bitter its sweet its my kind of lie there's this radio in my head spewing gibberish people are surprised by the words they need to understand its always been like this I want to be the favorite child I want to be the ringleader I want to fly but i want to be a sheep but these ideas wont let me sleep escape artist running from reality going cold turkey

[isthisapoetry]

a stack of sticky notes

I don't know I guess I wish that we didn't ever really have to live like this, evolving backwards, back to the sea, burning the literary classics on my bedroom floor You wanna meet God? Go to church or jump off a bridge that's the express lane when you hit the road up there and down here, up here and down here and Behold! it be but Juliet but she loves me nevermore so I sink 20,000 leagues underneath the concrete river with library books in my pockets and I'm surrounded by chimpanzee writing plays while I'm just throwing my own shit around and I guess we all find balance on this trapeze but lately I've been falling, falling down the rabbit hole, into the wormhole feelings stretching out between all the lives and lies I'm living more like dying but its all just daydreams of the universe I dream more at nights when its quiet with all the typewriters of the monkeys under the bridge, under the rug of humanity, who's to say whom am I but which is which and I'm going the wrong way sorta diagonal going opposite of triangle, I don't know sinking is easier than trying falling easier than flying, I'd rather burn than read but what's the point of even typing, feeling like the invisible man disappearing rapidly, all for science, swimming towards the bottom, I guess Narnia is on the other side maybe it's just coats its all been a lie, waiting for letters, invitations, and adventures that never came, turns out I'm just normal, turns out we are all just the same, this play turned out to be a tragedy and on a typewriter there's no back key, no undo, no “oh fuck I messed up”, just retrospection and regret but at least I won't do it again, promise, yet, I do it again and again like a madness of the mind, furiously typing away on nothing, making no mark, a madness brought on by invisibly, arguing with a wall, yelling to be heard at all, jumping to be not seen and ignored, and I scream into the void but the void does not hear me preoccupied with other patients faded sidewalk, the smell of a funeral home, sadness overtakes me like an old friend who has become an enemy, water breathing into my lungs, evolving backwards, back to the beginning of the story, when we were all fish and the God was the sun, all these moments falling around me, as I sink, picking them like ripe fruit that's slowly going bad, hindsight is 2020, drowning is painful or so they tell me, drowning in pages of the chimpanzees and drowning in cracked concrete, drowning in bank fees Does It Matter? That's the Question, and who knows the Solution? Only the Sun and she will never tell building and building inside until she implodes, killing us all, fireworks of the galaxy,  So Long Shakespeare, and so long Chimpanzees