itmecp3

[itmecp3]

sept 2 2020

I was listening to old kpop music that i went through my depressive eras with and i’m high and i jsut wanna talk to myself like the old me. its really scary to think about the younger me, experiencing a deep sadness that no one really knew and me not being able to recognize that i needed help since the concept of mental health just did not exist yet. i can’t recall many memories from then and i wonder if its just my brain repressing it or im just a big dum heh. words cannot bring justice to how muchhh i cried holy shet like was that humanely possible TBH. icried sooo much idk why my parents never noticed anything about me. although it was an experience that i feel separates me emotionally and empathetically among my friends, i was forreal a ghost and everything feels like just a bad dream but its fucking real and it shed so much precious time off my limited youth and it hurts to think that. is this what dissociation feels like when u finally wake up.? i really do feel like i was dissociated from 7th grade to senior year... i feel like up til then my world was focused on my relationships. investing time into hobbies, taking care of myself physically/emotionally/spiritually.. are such new concepts to me and i have a hard time being consistent with both bc ive never done it really. i cant describe this phenomenon but i hope ill get over this and be the person i want to be and live the life ive been wanting. ive lived almost 20 years and nothin to show for except what. im nice? ya everyone’s fuckin nice. i dont have a single talent or quality abt myself that i like. im a poor excuse for a person that doesnt have struggles but finds them for themselves. this is the case but i do feel like with each passing month, i become more aware about my being and my life. I finally feel like im starting to be present and it feels great. i feel more alive and in control of the things that happen in my life, good or bad. my spirituality is growing and im jus tryna glow in how i bring abt myself. 

my goals for my second year in college is to learn to be more independent, to prioritize school, to gain more extracurricular experience, and boost dat gpa! my goals for my glow up tho... dress better, take care of myself, be more positive, stop thinking about the past, eat better, get on a healthy schedule, exercise etc... im going to be a person that i am proud of. i will be asian heather <3