itsjustbeee

[itsjustbeee]

Devil’s Bridge, Worm’s Head island, Rhossili, Wales by Deborah Smith

[itsjustbeee]

“and I think, every once in a while, he might be the love of my life. And then I hear my thoughts and I know I am horrid, horrible for thinking that and yet rejecting myself, him, of the chance of us over and over again. I cannot stomach myself and I cannot love and I cannot live with the fact that I do not love myself enough to accept what is so good, so real right in front of me, and so I bury the thought, I cover it up, and I move forward. He doesn’t know, and I pretend. No one came ever read my mind and know that I sometimes had hope for us too. No one can look at me and think, maybe she also wanted him. Because that would make it real. So I move forward, I cover it up, and I bury it in a hurry of action and talk and I know the only person who will live with it, will be me. And I can accept that for myself, but I do not want to make him suffer more than he has.”

- n.c. // I want to be okay with love, but I do not know how to fall

[itsjustbeee]

me fr

cred: kendollisms on insta

[itsjustbeee]

“Who am I? Who am I?”

“You’re Jude St. Francis. You are my oldest, dearest friend. You’re the son of Harold Stein and Julia Altman. You’re the friend of Malcolm Irvine, of Jean-Baptiste Marion, of Richard Goldfarb, of Andy Contractor, of Lucien Voigt, of Citizen van Straaten, of Rhodes Arrowsmith, of Elijah Kozma, of Phaedra de los Santos, of the Henry Youngs. You’re a New Yorker. You live in SoHo. You volunteer for an arts organization; you volunteer for a food kitchen. You’re a swimmer. You’re a baker. You’re a cook. You’re a reader. You have a beautiful voice, though you never sing anymore. You’re an excellent pianist. You’re an art collector. You write me lovely messages when I’m away. You’re patient. You’re generous. You’re the best listener I know. You’re the smartest person I know, in every way. You’re the bravest person I know, in every way. You’re a lawyer. You’re the chair of the litigation department at Rosen Pritchard and Klein. You love your job; you work hard at it. You’re a mathematician. You’re a logician. You’ve tried to teach me, again and again. You were treated horribly. You came out on the other end. You were always you.” “And who are you?" "I'm Willem Ragnarsson. And I will never let you go.

A Little Life. Hanya Yanagihara

Peter Wever, 1950. Embrace painting

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and he cries and cries, cries for everything he has been, for everything he might have been, for every old hurt, for every old happiness, cries for the shame and joy of finally getting to be a child...

Harold and Jude from Hanya Yanagihara's "A Little Life". It's not what I usually post here, but I've had this scene on the back of my mind for a while now, and after rereading it for the millionth time I decided to give in and draw it. Put way too much of myself into this to not post it to my main, so here we are.

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A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara

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When you were eleven, what did you think you’d be doing now? Aftersun 2022 | dir. Charlotte Wells

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Aftersun (2022) dir. Charlotte Wells

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Aftersun (2022) dir. Charlotte Wells

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“If the chance ever comes to you to fall in love, grab it, every time. You might always live to regret it, but you won’t find anything to beat it, and you won’t know if it will come to you once more.”

— Joseph Heller, God Knows

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“Depressing thought: my friends were the girls I ate lunch with, all buddies from kindergarten who knew one another so well we weren’t sure if we even liked one another anymore.”

— Lauren Groff, Delicate Edible Birds

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VERNON Mindset

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“It makes you wonder why we bother accumulating, accumulating, when we know from earliest childhood how it’s all going to end.”

— Anne Tyler, A Spool of Blue Thread

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same

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“Only love mattered to me: the singularity of it, the damnable difficulty of it, the certain solution I knew must lie just out of reach.”

— Susan Choi, My Education

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The projects that I end up doing, that I want to be involved with in any way, have always been projects that will be impactful, for the most part, to my people — to black people. To see black people in ways which you have not seen them before. So Black Panther was on my radar, and in my dreams.