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itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts · 8 years ago

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Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing.

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me.

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them.

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated.

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind.

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy.

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1.

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job.

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door.

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems.

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories.

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass. I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him.

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels.

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one.

I feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified.

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves. what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used.

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...

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