iucidnightmares

[iucidnightmares]

Just cried while driving home, listening to Hug All Ur Friends because Spotify knew exactly what I needed. Maybe it's cruel to say, but I never saw myself in a future where leaving actually hurt. I love my parents, I always have, but they've held me so close, so I always took every opportunity to break away from them and spread my wings a little. Growing up Mormon, I also was always taught to dream of a future where I'd go on a mission after highschool for two years, completely on my own. So it was really no surprise when I decided I wanted to leave my hometown for an out of state college. Leaving was always the plan. And I'd miss my parents, sure, but I'd be grateful for some independence. In highschool, I wanted to leave more than ever. I realized I didn't have any true friends irl. We were awful to each other, and between that and all my teenage angst, I dreamt of leaving... in multiple ways. I just wanted out, I wanted to start a new life away from everyone. Even as I grew older and calmed down, I still held onto the desire to leave. I was always an escapist at heart, ever since I was a child. It didn't matter if I loved my life or hated it, I always had this sense of wanting more. Maybe I'm just a glutton for experience, I don't know. But I was never satisfied with staying in place, and never felt I had anyone to keep me here, either.

But everything has changed.

I don't know if it is those around me, or myself, or most likely both. But I finally have people to miss. I finally feel sad, genuinely sad, knowing that I will leave them behind. I have a found family, a little brother and an older sister. I have a friend group that genuinely enjoys my company. I have a best friend irl... I've never had one irl, always online best friends, but never ones in real life. My dogs are growing older, and so are my grandmothers. I have cousins I will miss.

Today one of my friends learned that I am leaving for college, and her reaction made my heart break. That was when I realized how much I'll actually miss her, and the others in my group, and my best friend, and my chosen siblings... and it sucks. It sucks that I'm finally in a good place, right when I decided to leave.

I'm still leaving. I still crave experience and independence and the opportunity to discover and grow. I wouldn't trade this chance for anything. But the discovery that I may shed more tears than I previously assumed I would makes everything so, so much more bittersweet.

[iucidnightmares]

this website lets you listen to the sounds of all different forests around the world 

[iucidnightmares]

bc blue ribbon bunny said so

[iucidnightmares]

WHAT GOOD DOES IT SERVE TO BE HOLY / IN A WORLD WHERE GOD DOESN’T WATCH?

[iucidnightmares]

[iucidnightmares]

.

[iucidnightmares]

sill.da Farewell Waltz - Chopin

[iucidnightmares]

[iucidnightmares]

it sucks that the backrooms and by extent liminal spaces turned out the way they did in popular culture. i love dreamy places not because they're full of Scary Screatures or whatever but because they're fun and interesting and cool and a perfect place for a girl like me to lay her eggs

[iucidnightmares]

[iucidnightmares]

nature textures 🪨🪾

[iucidnightmares]

All possibilities exist alongside one another.

Sit beside yourself, peacefully.

Bask in your multidimensional self.

[iucidnightmares]

birds of a feather by aaron jasinski

[iucidnightmares]

let’s escape this world for a little while!

[iucidnightmares]

By Meraylah Allwood

[iucidnightmares]

make a wish.

[iucidnightmares]

breaking news: ur actually gonna make it through and everything will turn out just fine