ivanorivy

[ivanorivy]

"You made this heart feel like it was already known" are words I so wish to say...

someday.

[ivanorivy]

I'll come back to myself someday. More myself. More willing to stay. In these days—I walk back on the path that made me feel far away.

[ivanorivy]

Every day I find you a little less like yourself in my thoughts.

[ivanorivy]

It felt to me that you were a canary in a mine shaft, that would never choose to sing when you felt everything could crumble.

[ivanorivy]

I want to lick from her palm and have her sweat drip onto my chest.

[ivanorivy]

I can't believe he died under a bridge. Anytime I think about it my mind thinks out, "wow I can't believe he went out like that." It's like those rumors you hear when you're young. "I heard this bridge is haunted by a guy who died here." Then in my own thoughts, I wish I knew exactly how many real people know people who became myth. He was a nice enough guy in the living. Tragic he passed so soon. We get a little older, and it seems like some live forever for how they died.

[ivanorivy]

It worries me that there's things I won't ever heal from. Like something was removed from me that couldn't ever go back into place the same way. Without scarring, without notice, without recognition. Never feeling whole. Just whole enough to move forward in remembrance of what isn't there.

[ivanorivy]

It's the way you make me feel like the wait was worth it. Every time I'm near you worth value. Every moment since we've known each other being held close within me.

I felt impatient most of my life, then you fell into my lap and I truly felt a realization. "She is that way isn't she? She's the girl I've always thought to be mine. How is it that she has come to me now?"

So at times I feel I can wait for you. At times I feel an urge to always be with you, but ever since you came into my life, I can't imagine a life without you. You're a part of my story. Not the climax, not the beginning, nowhere near the end. You took the book of my life and decided to write into it with your own pen.

That's how I see my own life since knowing you.

Changed.

As if always to be shared with you.

Wanting it to be so.

Always knowing.

Your place,

there,

tied together within my soul.

[ivanorivy]

So that’s where you live?

In a memory that only comes to me at night. When I’m alone you find your way to me. Like a haunting.  

[ivanorivy]

I would've given up everyone and everything to be with you. In the story of my life you were the final chapter. Which was foolish to think, I know. I worked towards you. Every second with you felt like it mattered to me. Your presence. The time it took to get to you. It always felt like it mattered. I know you felt it too...don't know when you stopped feeling it. Don't know what caused that turn. I see your life now and I can't help but feel that you're not really living for what you want. I hope so...so me wondering about the past isn't a solitary practice. You had eyes full of sorrow. I cried when I looked into them. I saw myself in you. Like a jigsaw piece fitting well with another. I found the place I needed to be. Your face, your gaze, the smile, the tears, the hesitance, the worry, the pressure, the trying, the knowing what we could be, the hoping that all could fall into place the right way. I think of you now and I see that all in my thought of you. You matter so much to me, but as a matter that will never materialize.

[ivanorivy]

In many ways you became my moon. From somewhere far away we'd found a place in time to collide. That heat we endured as we took from each other. The pulling away and giving into. Till we found our forms apart. So much of myself being left with you. So much of you I still carry in me. Like that attraction that brought us together, we pull to stay in each others orbit. With safe distance. I look to you as you may look onto me. Knowing that intensity is one that can only be lived through once. The mutual destruction we were for one place in time. Holding space in remembrance of the cataclysm we'd once indured.

[ivanorivy]

It always starts off as a dream doesn't it. As a dream that persists in our thoughts till we lose it. The clarity of the things we want lose to the precedent of what we feel we need. So when I say I've dreamt of having you in my arms, I mean that as much as I try to remember that feeling, it fades.

In a dream I held you and felt your form, and told you I remember your silhouette. You'd asked for me to let go and I replied with something that felt so real it must've come from my conscious being. "What if I never get to hold you again?" In that place where we both knelt down holding and facing each other. That's the last place we'd ever touch. A room with a single window overlooking the outside. Shadows obscuring our intimacy and the outter light reaching in to let us know that there's a world that we must return to.

There in that place I come back to, and there in that place you are missing. I see the walls and the window to a real life. Where you must've made it out to. It'd be clever to look out and try to find you, but that's not where I need you. So I kneel in the empty room my thoughts bring me to and I try to put back together the feeling felt when I last held you.

[ivanorivy]

When you look for me, where do you find me?

[ivanorivy]

Some sins are more delicious than others. Ours I will savor till my dying day.

[ivanorivy]

When is god strongest? When it is creating love or when it is tearing love apart?

[ivanorivy]

What did we do to each other?

Why do you feel like a scar on my skin,

but more so a mark on my heart?

[ivanorivy]

My heart knows everything while my brain ties knots over loose thoughts.