iwanttobegood

[iwanttobegood]

forgot to give an update for yesterday smh but hmm I studied one canto from rape of the lock for class and that was it so not a super productive day studying wise but I did lock in to the last atz concert of the eu tour and cried my eyes out to the soo oh also i fought with my parents so maybe I wasn't that good yesterday but it is what it is.

[iwanttobegood]

to my 13 year old brother, who I left back at home.

I don't care that mom and dad let you get away with everything I would have gotten slapped for, in fact I'm glad. I'm glad every single night I spent screaming at them to parent well worked out for you, I'm glad you are reaping the fruit of my efforts, cause I did it all for you. I know I'm missing out on your life every minute I'm gone. Every time I come back home you look more grown up, i can't believe my day doesn't start with your laughter anymore. I'm hoping this will all pay off, I'm hoping you won't hate me. I know the distance is a lot, i know I'm bad with feelings but I promise I'll always be here, any way that I can. I promise, i promise I won't be like the others, i promise I'll love you openly and fully, i won't fight, i won't traumatize you, I'll listen to you talking about your favourite things, I'll pay attention to the things you love, you will never feel unwanted as long as I'm alive. My future will always have you in it, I know i will not always be your closest family, but you will be mine. I will set aside my savings for you so you can get to the place you want in life, you will never face the hurt I felt, i promise I'll try my best. Your laughter is what will make my dream home. I will hold the best bedroom in my future home for you, i promise. I hope you will want to stay with me even when you're older and life isn't the same as it once was.

[iwanttobegood]

[iwanttobegood]

self destruction really is such a fascinating human response to various factors both external and internal. what if sisyphus could leave at any time but kept rolling the boulder up the hill just to watch it roll back down anyway. what if he kept pushing it even as the rock cut into his palms and his legs began to ache with the desire to rest for even a moment and his body became a canvas of bruises and cuts that never have time to heal. what if he did it because it's the only thing he knows how to do. the only thing that gives him a sense of certainty and control in a world that takes both and offers neither.

[iwanttobegood]

just a blog where I try to be good and maybe write a little and get back into art....without anyone knowing ofc