iwashere666

[iwashere666]

Christa Wolf, from her essay collection titled "One Day a Year: 1960–2000," originally published in 2003

[iwashere666]

i made it out of Aug 11. How was that even possible?

[iwashere666]

please tell me I deserve this happiness

please I wanna stay a little longer now

[iwashere666]

I can feel it. Slipping away.

[iwashere666]

:'( this

Dating someone who truly understands your home situation makes all the difference. I reblogged something about this not long ago, and it feels like it’s happening again hah! Anyway, it’s not just about being in a relationship pala; it’s about being with someone who respects the reality of your life, especially when things at home aren’t always simple. Someone who doesn’t make you feel guilty for the things you can’t control, who chooses patience over pressure.

If someone can’t understand that, they’re probably not meant to be part of your peace. I’d rather stay single or stay home than keep having to explain why I can’t always go out on a whim, why I can’t just leave at night, or all the other things that come with my situation.

Respect matters more than romance.

[iwashere666]

tothatboynamedniko

Do you have a dream?

You do?

That's good.

And its great that you hold on to it

because losing one means losing ones life

everyday feels nothing

where you dont live anymore

you only exist

i hope you see that in person

that dream of yours

me? do I have a dream? —i used to. not anymore. i died when i lose mine. and its not something i realized until its too late. i never felt anything. it just hit me one day, "oh, im actually dead".

so how am i talking to you if im dead? well this is not real. and its just a dream. and its not your dream, i hope its your dream tho, so this reality can be prevented from happening. but its not. its my dream. at 6 o'clock in the morning i'm dreaming of you. while working, and drinking my 3rd cup of coffee, 4 hours in, im dreaming of you.

sorry kid, i ruined your dream. i hope you can forgive me.

[iwashere666]

Gusto ko lamang magpahinga

Nang mahabang panahon

[iwashere666]

almost typed in "Goodbye everyone" instead of "Logging out"

[iwashere666]

i cant be crying rn can i?

not while im on shift

fck

[iwashere666]

i need to prepare all my accounts usernames and passwords

along with my devices

just in case

[iwashere666]

I've been having blank days again

I can't remember anything

I have to disappear for a while

Idk how long its going to be this time tho

[iwashere666]

idkhowtotalktoyouanymoresorryicantevenseeyoucozthelasttimeilookedintoyoureyesicantevenseemyselfinthem

Hi.

Kumusta?

Wala naman. Just random yknow, checking?

Glad to hear that. Me? I'm all good.

Well, if I’m being honest, I just don’t have anyone to talk to right now. Or to be more exact, I’m tired of talking to myself.

I really just want to check in and see if you’re okay and all that.

What am I thinking right now? That I might not be here much longer? That I might end it all soon?

I just don’t see myself anywhere beyond where I am right now. I never had dreams of a future. All of my dreams have always been about the past — all the could-have-beens and would-have-beens.

I don’t know anything. I don’t even know the most basic things. I don’t know how to cook. I don’t know how to process a death certificate. I don’t know how to pay a hospital bill or anything like that. I don’t have any real-world experience. I feel stuck.

It feels like my world stopped during the pandemic. Since then, nothing has happened in my life that’s worth mentioning — other than my life going downhill. I haven’t learned anything new, but I’ve forgotten almost everything that’s essential.

Every time I do something — anything — to improve myself, nothing happens. Either that, or nothing ends well. I keep spiraling down, and deeper each time. Whenever I think I’m nearing the surface, I fall back down — ten times deeper than where I started.

I’m just tired… I guess? I’m not even sure what I’m feeling anymore. I just struggle. Every day. To not end it all. To find something to hold onto. Or to at least find a better excuse to convince myself that it’s okay to end it now.

I’m also numb. Like, every time I think about talking to people about this stuff — even just sharing the surface level of what I’m feeling — it doesn’t do anything. It feels hollow. Like they’re nothing. Their words don’t mean anything anymore.

I know they mean well, and it’s all on me. That’s why I’m done, I guess? Like that line from a song I love: “The next time I’ll open up will be my autopsy.”

I’ve also thought about seeking help from a professional. First of all, I respect them. I truly believe what they’re doing is good, and that they’re making a meaningful difference when it comes to mental health and all that.

But for me… I can’t. It feels too much like going by the book. I feel like if I go through with it, I’ll lose the very essence of my identity — my selfness, in a way. It feels like I’d be going through some kind of machine — just a step-by-step process to “recover,” like I’m a tool being repaired. I don’t like that feeling.

Even now, just thinking about it makes me sick.

Why can’t I just be okay? Why can’t I, I don’t know… just be normal?

I don’t know how to end this conversation. I don’t know how to collect my thoughts anymore. I’ll just sleep it off and hope for a reason to hold on for another day… or find a reason to end it all again.

[iwashere666]

ᜋ

ᜇ

ᜉᜓ

ᜆ᜔

ᜈ

[iwashere666]

[iwashere666]

[iwashere666]

that's why youre the goat

[iwashere666]

Di makatulog sa gutom hays