iwritefeelings

[iwritefeelings]

27.06.2024

It's been more than two years since my last blog. I don't really come here often except when I needed an escape from reality. I can't say I enjoy going through my brain dump when I was five to ten years younger - it's an awkward phase; lots of cringe and no sense drama. But hey, this is my secret refuge! Why??? Maybe there's comfort in knowing that "this too shall pass" and that "things will get better." After all, what felt like carrying a big boulder then seems just carrying a stone in my pocket now.

Life hasn't been great lately, but it's not too bad either. It's just right. Nothing too grand to celebrate. But there are little moments of joy to still make you want to live. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm bored of the stability. I have a decent job that pays enough to get me through the next month and invest a little for the future. But am I hopeful for the future? I don't know. I question myself a lot lately, "what's next after I pay off my mortgage?" I said I wanted to retire by forty-five, and just take history, psychology, or art appreciation courses. But do I really want that?

When you stripped me off my job, I'm naked. It's hard to admit that I don't have life outside work. And it's not like I'm even great at work. I practically gave up the workaholic badge because it drained me like a lemon squeezed out of its juice. And with that gone, what's left of me?

I have a very loving and caring partner. We've been together for 14 or so years now. I'm not exaggerating when I say he's the best one could ever ask for. He's smart, kind, good looking, and a people person. But he's just too great! He does so well in almost everything. I'm proud of all that he's achieved and I'm sure there's much more in the future. But I wonder, is he ever proud of me?

I've been living abroad for 6+ years now. I don't come home often because flights are too expensive. There was a time I haven't been home in 3 years - mainly because of the pandemic but mostly because of money. I feel guilty for taking out-of-the-country trips but never home. But to my defense, my entire trip sometimes cost just a few bucks more than my flight home. And it's a new place! I love going home, but sometimes I feel like an outsider. I don't know where people kept things anymore. I have to watch and learn. I can't figure how to turn on the tv. I'm too shy to check the fridge when I get hungry at middle of the night. I've become a guest in my own home. Do they think of me as that too?

I don't have friends.

Five or ten years from now, I only hope I read this and laugh at myself just as how I laugh at my younger self now. The questions of today's what's next would be tomorrow's what's become. I don't feel excited, but we go with the flow. At least we're stable.

[iwritefeelings]

19.02.2022

When do we know what we wanted to become in life? Is there even a start? And is there even an end?

It was in kindergarten when I was first asked what I wanted to become when I grow up. I don't exactly remember who asked me but I knew it was for a yearbook because that's where you'd see me looking awkward in my boy cut next to words italicized, in quotation "To become a teacher."

Looking back, I don't know why I said what I said. Do I really wanted to become a teacher? Does a 5 year old understand the concept of "becoming"? Also why a teacher? Was it because I wanted to please my teachers being the people pleaser that I am? And how did everyone else decide they'd say what they said?

I still don't know the answers, and now I wonder if the kids in kindergarten are still asked what they wanted to become. I also now ask myself, isn't it too early to burden the kids of the far, far future? Instead of being asked about their tomorrows, shouldn't we be asking them their nows?

For some time, I always knew I wanted to become a doctor. I remember the times I would feel down because it didn't happen. I would escape my present imagining the possibility. I thought I would be a really good doctor because I'm smart enough (well, smart isn't requirement really. Go for that degree. Grades don't really matter, your grit does) and that's my "becoming." But now I don't even feel as bad.

Then I wanted to work in an agency and do PR. I thought I did ok in my PR subject when I was in university. I would think scoring a few points higher than everyone else was a good enough reason to pursue the career. After all, as we get older, we become more practical with our dreams. We decide to do go for something where we have a better shot at. The PR stint didn't happen.

At this point, I'm still curious. I stopped wanting to become a teacher and doctor. I never worked in PR. But I haven't started wanting to become something for some time now. Where does it start? And where does it end?

Many times, my boisterous thoughts would wake me up at midnight asking, "What do you want to be? Now you're a grown up." I would worry because I was made to believe I should know it by now. Sometimes I would say I wanted to become this or that but it would seem forced. I worry mainly because the society thinks I should have it figured out by five, and I'm twenty seven and I still don't.

I have yet to come to terms with the uncertainty. Also I have to forgive myself for falling for another one of society's greatest scam. Just because I don't know now doesn't mean I will not become. What if I'm already becoming?

[iwritefeelings]

25.12.2021

Disclaimer: This is a Christmas morning rant.

I'm not a fan of cheesecake so I was a tiny bit mad when my boyfriend got one instead of the familiar-to-my-tastebuds-almost-boring mocha roll from Goldilocks. I would've gotten myself a half roll but I'm cheap, so cheesecake we go.

Drove a kilometer or two to pickup the cheesecake -talk about feeling special when there isn't really anything special about them anyway. For one, they're unbelievably creamy, always served cold, and don't sit out too long. And they get spoiled too soon. What's good in a cake if it can't be enjoyed even more on the next day or the next, next days to come? It's just not the familiar-to-my-tastebuds-almost-boring mocha roll.

We pulled over in front of an old apartment in a dingy street masked by the hanging lights that may or may not be meant for Christmas. My boyfriend got out and got back too soon. Then and there, the cheesecake.

I decided to open the box even before he would start the car. I needed a good reason to be mad because it's the familiar-to-my-tastebuds-almost-boring mocha roll we didn't get for this. It's me and my tradition. It's me and my childhood. It's me and the only thing makes me feel close to home despite the six thousand nine hundred four kilometers distance. I was ready to be mad -rough words parked in my head ready to shake up the silence between us.

"This isn't a cheesecake! You just got robbed." And laughed, I did. Suddenly the rough words were overtaken by unintelligible words slurred even more by laughter. My boyfriend just got robbed. It wasn't a cheesecake. It's a chiffon with cheese on top.

2021 is the year I didn't get the familiar-to-my-tastebuds-almost-boring mocha roll. It's the year I got a fake cheesecake instead. I broke tradition, forgot missing my childhood, and realized I'm building a new home away from home now. For the first time in many years, I got a cheesecake. And I think it's a good one.

[iwritefeelings]

26.11.2021

I'm currently sitting on the edge of the bed, looking out my window -regular view with even more regular people. I see the plant-obsessed Asian lady resting at her balcony. I see the building's pool guy, whose name I do not know. And of course the family who's keeping the pool guy busy at this hour because swimming has been their family bonding. Oh and by the way, I hear the boisterous kid running again in the hallway.

I love people watching. I love it more when I watch them at their natural state -not in a suit or a blazer pretending to be someone they have very little resemblance with in real life. I love watching them as the regular people they actually are. Oftentimes, I would wonder what could they be thinking.

The asian lady doesn't look too happy but not too sad either. She could be tired from all the gardening she's been doing. Could she be thinking of shifting to a less tiresome hobby?

The pool guy is standing as usual at his usual spot. His job is mainly people watching, exactly what I do now. I wouldn't get bored with what he does, but sometimes I wonder does he? I've never seen him smile, always just a straight face. Could he be thinking his own kids while he looks after someone else's?

The family always makes me miss home. My family was never as close as they seem to be, but I've always wished we're complete again because we haven't in a long time. The dad swims with the kids, while the mom sits uncomfortably in the plastic bench. They seemed happy, but was there ever a time that they thought how they could be spending their weekends elsewhere if they didn't have kids?

And the kid, he's annoying and a reminder how I still don't want to have kids.

My mantra has always been "we're all walking stories." Really just to keep myself grounded and kind as much as possible. But it has also kept me company, whenever I feel alone. I just look outside my window and watch regular people do regular things. Then and there, I am no longer.

[iwritefeelings]

18.11.2021

I love the rain. It reminds me that there's beauty in the sad. In the dull. In the quiet. It reminds me that beauty doesn't only reside in the bright and jolly. Beauty in the unexpected is more than what meets the eye. It's elusive but shows to those who see, not just look.

[iwritefeelings]

01.09.2021

I have never been more excited in welcoming a new month. September, finally!

For years now, my silent sanctuary in the form of this blog has witnessed how giddy I get at every start of the year. I love new beginnings. As a planner, a new year is a new chapter that I have a chance to make better. It's a chance for me to start anew and, more importantly, redeem myself. I love writing down my goals and planning in detail what I need to do to achieve them. While the new year is still a few months from now, welcoming September feels just the same.

New work. I've been living in Dubai for almost four years now. While I am grateful for how my career progressed over the short span of time, I would still often self-pity. I would still catch myself space out and think about how I could be doing more. I would still go over the idea how I could be a few levels above where I am now if I only decided to stay back home -big company, big role. And, of course, the never-ending comparison game. It has been tiring. But I'm glad to say that I could finally see it ending.

I'm excited to the bones to be working in a relatively bigger company assuming a reasonably bigger role. I've waited for this to happen. I've always known I have the capabilities, but the opportunity was just always lacking. I cannot wait to show how the universe has missed out on me for dimming my light (cheering on you, self!). Now I will only shine brighter!

New home. Moving to a new home next week! Close to the beach. Runner friendly. Away from the city.

For years, I've lived with housemates that I almost always get awkward conversations with. I'm happy to break free from all the unnecessary chats and compliments that obviously were only said for courtesy. I feel like I'm a free woman now. Zero fucks to give because there's no one to give a fuck about.

I can't wait to start my day right and end it just the way I've always imagined. Head to the gym before anyone starts their day (no need to drive just to workout), prep a healthy brunch (I don't have anyone to share the kitchen with), and work in peace with the beach as my view (again, no need to drive!!!). Just the thought of it makes me productive already!

New love. I have always struggled with self-love. Always believed that I wasn't lovable. That I am not smart or pretty enough. But the past months have been different. Slowly I've noticed how I started prioritizing myself over anyone else -may it be friends or family. While I still feel a pang of guilt every now and then, I would easily bounce back to the idea that I should matter more especially for myself. It was a long, unsteady journey but I'm learning to trust the process. I couldn't wait to fall in love with myself more.

I love me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am not being selfish. I am only being selfless towards myself.

Oh September! You are the new year that came a little early! Excited and claiming you only bring good things for me.

[iwritefeelings]

25.06.2021

I survived last night, on my own.

[iwritefeelings]

24.06.2021

I'm sitting on the cold floor as I type this. Casually watching HIMYM, a show I'm already too familiar with because I needed something sure tonight. As much as I would love to watch Normal People or another show on my long list of to-watch, I needed comfort in what's certain.

Today is another one of those days; I feel nothing. I am not sure if I'm sad, and I don't think that makes it any better. I feel empty and dead inside. I may look ok on the outside, but I know I've never been fully ok. I hate how good I am at masking it that I get fooled myself sometimes. I am not ok, as I have always been.

But today isn't exactly another one of those days. I have never felt more alone in life than now. I don't have anyone else to listen to me except this blinking cursor patiently waiting for me to write the next words. But unlike a real person, the cursor just absorbs all that I say (or in this case, type). I only wish I have someone tonight to tell me 'it'll be alright.' That it's just another one of those days that I have overcome. That tonight, I can be sad or not sad, and let it all out. Tomorrow, it will be better.

I'm alone tonight feeling nothing. I'm not sure if tomorrow will be better. But I only hope tomorrow becomes exactly like one of those days, when I still have someone to brave my tough days with.

[iwritefeelings]

06.06.2021

Life update: Just submitted the final requirement for my MBA. Fucking Finally!

Fucking Finally -that's what I expected to hear myself say after a very grueling two years (Well, it's not really that grueling if I'm being honest here. I just always have a way to make things hard for me. See: perfectionist-procrastinator). For the past two years, my school has been my personality. Friends would ask me to hang out, I'd say 'I'm busy with school.' People would invite me to join an org, I'd say 'Maybe next time, busy with school.' And even to myself, I'd say 'Not today, you're busy with school.' Now that school's over, who am I?

I'm the type who keeps a list. Aside from my own version of 30 Before 30, I have a long list of to-do, which I said I needed to accomplish after school -start a podcast, re-learn to play the ukelele, enroll in a pottery class, etc. I expected myself to be happy that school's over -means I have all the time in my hands now; just a matter of when to start which. But that's the scary part -when? And the even scarier part -why?

Just as I click the 'submit button' on Minerva, I had internal conversations with myself:

What now?

Do you really want to do this and that?

Why are you second-guessing?

If you've always said school was holding you back then, what's holding you back now?

Ask yourself, do you want this?

Or is this just another pretentious act to make yourself feel good? Feel good not entirely for yourself but other people.

You know you could've done better than take an MBA.

Would this be just another senseless decision?

School was my personality. School was my only tangible reason to postpone some of the things that I think I want. And without school, what reason do I have now?

I need to stop thinking of other people's perceptions of me. I want to start making decisions for myself. I've been saying this over and over for the last few years but I'm still stuck -swimming through the waves I shouldn't be parting in the first place. I don't want to be swimming in the big ocean. I'm not sure of so many things, but I'm sure of one thing -I want to feel more relaxed. I don't want to feel lost in the ocean anymore. I'd rather stay afloat in a lake -calm and not too overwhelming.

[iwritefeelings]

I’m comfortable with the certain

Maybe that’s why I don’t want this

I am easily shaken when I couldn’t feel

Have I done wrong?

I panic at the silence; where are you?

Your love was loud; it craved

Now even if I try to listen

I hear nothing

I said I don’t fall easy, but not with you

Truth is, I might have before you said you did

Now that you heard me say it

Can I hear you say it back?

Where are you? Where are we?

Is this the end?

You always tell me to let you know when I'm falling

At least tell me when you fall out

[iwritefeelings]

24.05.2021

I can see the ending unfolding.

I wish I could say more, but that's just how I feel now -empty. Not at all happy, but also not too sad. I may be a little hopeful. I can imagine a life I will carve on my own -something I haven't done in so long. For many years, my actions have always been a yes-answer to questions like "will this make him better?" "will this make it easy for him?" "will this make him happy?"

I don't know what's next after him. I've always said that I'm not going to love again. He's my only person. But why does it feel like it's easier to let the idea of us go now than before? Is this what they call moving on? I still think about him again and again -how he is? where he is? But I don't think I care to know who's he with now. Is this what they call moving on? If this is, do I want to move on?

I loved him. I love him still. And I think I will love him for the rest of my life or even beyond that. I'm not sure I want to love again -not if it's not him. But I want to love myself too. Maybe I should start with that. As much as I want him to find the love he hasn't found in me, maybe, I should start looking for the love I should've given myself. Yes, right. I'll start with loving myself. And yes, maybe, I should love myself more.

Will this make me better?

Will this make it easy for me?

Will this make me happy?

...These are the questions.

[iwritefeelings]

05.05.2021

I think I'm ok without him. And no, it doesn't feel good.

For 11 years, he was the one -no questions asked. I literally crossed oceans to be with him. I willingly embraced a less comfortable life. And even start a new life from zero. I was trying to save a supposedly happy ending. But maybe that's where I was wrong. Maybe, unconsciously, I have always seen us to have an ending.

We've fought over the pettiest things -from no-shows and no-texts to slightly tilted decors. I never thought the little things would build up into something irreparable. We're hurt and broken. And as much as I wish it can be fixed, at this point in time, I'm not sure I can go on again in the disappointment cycle. I guess I'm tired to hurt and be hurt.

But I'm still hurting. And even moreso because I know he's hurting too. While it may look easy on him, I know it wasn't. I hate myself for breaking him apart. But I know if I don't, my already broken parts will be crushed -slowly, again.

I know what I needed but I'm so used to always putting him first. I feel guilty for feeling comfortable with his absence. I feel guilty for not wondering how his day went. I feel guilty for not being there for him to celebrate his new job. I feel guilty that I am ok without him. And I am scared.

What if the feelings go away? Do I want it to go away? What if I start liking someone? Is it ok to like someone else? I still want to care for him. I still want to protect him. I still want to be there for him. But what about me? How do I trust again? -that he will care for me, protect me, and be there for me?

How?

[iwritefeelings]

04.05.2021

Today, I felt nothing. Again. 

For years, I would always share here about the times I felt nothing. Literally, nothing -not sad but also not at all happy. I’m just in the in between. And to be clueless about what I feel is even harder than being sad. I cannot just cry to ease the heavy weight on my chest. Just the same, I cannot just empty a tub of ice cream to reward my almost-feeling-happy. 

It’s hard to be in the in between. I feel more helpless because I don’t know how to pull myself out of this ironically unrecognizable pit. If today happened two months ago, it would be more bearable. I would tell him how I feel and he would just know what I need. I wish he knew. 

[iwritefeelings]

08

Tomorrow, I’m starting over. 

If I’m being hard on myself, which I usually am, I wouldn’t be writing this. Instead, I would tell myself to stand up from where I’m seated and get my shit together. Today, I decided to be kinder. 

I have a habit of messing things up, especially when I have already established a good impression -at school, work, relationships, etc. At first, I would come all prepared for whatever’s thrown at me. Even give more than what’s expected. You ask for a web section audit, I’ll do a full one. You ask for a company vision /mission analysis, I’ll turn in an analysis with a recommendation. I would like to believe I’m a little more than average. 

But then at some point, I would always lose interest. I would get tired and I would blame it on others. I would want to detach myself and I’d do it -slowly, over and over. And in just a snap, all efforts come to nothing. 

As many times this has happened, I’ve never yet mastered the art of bouncing back at life. I think it’s because while I’m still at rock bottom, I expect myself to jump sky high ready to start with the right foot forward. I never allow myself to rest and think over. I’ve always been forced to get back right away because ‘if not now, when?’ and with all time and effort wasted, there shouldn’t be any minute spent on contemplating. 

For this, I would like to apologize to myself. I feel a pang of guilt for constantly causing myself self-doubt. And for seeding anxiety, which I have always been fighting with closed eyes. Unlike before, I promise to allow myself to recover at its own pace no matter how slow it may be. I’m going to be patient for as long as I can because if there’s anyone who I could count on, it should be me. 

Today, I allow myself to feel bad. After all, there’s always tomorrow for a fresh start.

[iwritefeelings]

07

I could be editing my paper but I am not. I could be catching up on work after taking a leave. I could be cleaning my phone’s gallery or categorizing files into folders. My desktop’s a mess. I messed it all up again. 

I’m trying. I wish people know I’m trying. No. I wish I can convince myself I’m trying. I don’t need to convince other people. They don’t even know. 

I’m not sure what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling. It’s confusing. One moment, I feel like I have it all figured out and the next thing I know I’m slowly moving away from the present (again). 

I’ve always been envious of people who live their day like any normal people would do. I wish I am not bothered by my thoughts. If they could just give me a warning at least so I can prepare myself for the huge wave of emotions I’ve been parting for god knows since when. 

I’m tired of falling in the pit over and over. It’s getting harder and harder to pull myself together. I don’t know how many more times I would trip and get back up because I need to. I want to get better. But sometimes I just want a dead end. 

[iwritefeelings]

I’m a woman

Prisoner of my own mind. 

I want to run

Escape this dark delusion.

But along the way

It just gets darker.

So I stay and just curl up

Only wish that when I open my eyes

I find my light.

[iwritefeelings]

06

And I wonder, did he ever look back at that night

The same way I imagine how braving it was?

To look at someone and not see their faults.

To talk and listen to their hearts.

To hold then secretly love.

But not ask for love in return.