jackolanternblanket

[jackolanternblanket]

maybe i think my stuffed animals will always love me and never judge me and never assume the worst of me. maybe i think they love me unconditionally and would never hate me or leave me

[jackolanternblanket]

it’s very weird. i thought i was doing okay? i thought i was different. i thought i had fixed something inside me. but obviously not. obviously i was using to ignore what i know i can’t fix. my medication doesn’t help anymore. what are my options? being depressed forever? surely not. surely my doctor will have answers. surely there is something i will be able to do. i’m facing the world and my problems without the haze of drugs to numb it. i guess that was the point. i’m so depressed. does that mean ive been this depressed the whole time? desperate for people to acknowledge something was wrong with me? i have felt that since childhood. wishing something terrible would happen to me so that people might suddenly tell me to stop worrying and let them take care of it.

something terrible i think, is always happening to me. there are people that never feel this way? they never feel like there’s something holding them down, and shuttering their eyes. they never feel like they’re watching their life through the eyes of a mannequin, or never feel like they’ll never be happy. which, i have been happy. i’m often happy. not in the last week, in the last week it feels like i swallowed a bunch of stones and am slowly sinking into the ground. i’m afraid that my period depression and stuff doesn’t last this long usually. i know it’s also a reaction to not smoking anymore. i became very depressed last time too. but this feels different. or am i just saying that? does it always feel like the worst i’ll ever feel when im approaching my period? sorta, but only for a day or two. not five or six. i stopped smoking 6 days ago. am i depressed because i stopped smoking or am i depressed because im depressed.

i am tired. it will never be over. i want it to be over

why am i depressed? i don’t even understand. it’s not like things are any worse than they were a week ago. and a week ago i could smile involuntarily. was that fake? am i faking it now?

i hope this goes away, at least a little bit, once my period starts. and maybe it’ll go away even more once my body gets used to not having weed. i don’t want my truth to be that i am this depressed. i don’t want to be this broken, or feel this unfixable. i have plenty of things to be thankful for

thom, my apartment, my cats, my friends (molly, mel, kale), my grandma, my drawing skills, my great capacity for compassion, i am very caring, im thankful for the sun that rises every day. and yet im still trapped under something i can’t see. ive swallowed so many stones

i feel an ounce better after writing all of this down