jaded-apatehtic-indifferent-blog

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Apathetic. Jaded. Indifferent.

I am yet to become a cat person, buy 20 and completely disconnect my self from the world but I hardly remember the word enthusiasm and am painfully aware of the fact that I can’t remember the last time I felt it. 

I know I have been feeling ‘something’ for quite some time,  but I haven’t been able to label it, to identify it as being one thing, one feeling, one problem. 

I often find my self staring absentmindedly at the wall or at whatever is in my line of vision, I even sometimes find the need to drive to the beach or the cliffs just so that my time thinking about nothing is spent at least looking at something. 

I have goals and I have dreams and I have a hope that one day I wont be jaded. That I will stare and think like I have been lately but it wont be nothing that I think about. I hope that I  will have a thought in hind sight about how used to wish to be happy but how I never imagined I would get so lucky. 

But its now that is the problem because right now I am indifferent to just about everything. I am not excited by anything, I wouldn’t care if I lost my phone and couldn’t speak to anyone or god forbid click through the highlight reel that is instagram, my first thought when I get out of bed is to go back to bed and I just don’t see the point. My new favourite phrase is ‘so what?”

 I have a good life, I have good friends, good family, I even enjoy my job.... BUT so what? Everything seems better before it happens and in the moment I am utterly apathetic about everything. I went on a holiday for a month, so what? I got to see incredible parts of nature and marvel at the wonders society as created, so what? My friends are going out drinking, so what? I keep getting messages and notifications, so what? I miss that boy and can’t do anything about it, so what?  I’m running out of money, so what? So what? So what? So what? 

I know I’m being such an award winning drama queen right now because deep deep down in the twisted workings of my mind I know that things matter and that my life matters and my voice matters and blah blah blah so save me the inspiring speech, all I’m saying is SO fucking WHAT? 

Sorry if you thought this piece was going to end with an uplifitng story about how it was just a phase and I found a new lease on life but that is just not the case although I’ll keep you posted. My advice for now if you’re feeling the same, and what I am telling myself, is that Jaded or not, time keeps going and so far time has dulled most of your pain so let time have a go at this too. 

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I love the rain. I love how it softens the outlines of things. The world becomes softly blurred, and I feel like I melt right into it.

(via safanoora)

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I hope that even after two years,  you hear my name and cringe because you realize how good I was to you and how bad you fucked up

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Coloring

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Dont ruin a good today by thinking about a bad yesterday. Let it go.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jaded-apatehtic-indifferent-blog]

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.

Nora Roberts (via mysimplereminders)