jadenight

[jadenight]

“There is more where that came from” is a phrase I learned from Marie Forleo when it comes to money and gratitude and abundance mindset. It has served me well and has helped me keep things in perspective financially. But I realized right now that I can put that into terms of crushes and dating.

This is not about hoe-ing around or anything like that. It’s just that I find myself getting hung up on guys that turn out to not be as into me as I am into them. Or I find myself in a head swirl about something that’s not even really happening. Then I start to want to give up and forget about the idea of just going out at all. But as I sipped my wine here at home wondering “where in the hell is he?!” (also while pondering some off-limits work crushes, lol but I digress), I realized that there is a big population of good men out there and “there is more where that came from”. Truly. Why get hung up on a dude who doesn’t care, or an off-limits crush. It’s natural of course. But until that person is truly worth my time, investment and actual possibility of a nice relationship, it’s time to move on. No use wasting my headspace and energy on something imagined. Plus, when I get way too into it in my head, I start to get awkward and fear I may put off needy vibes. Needy vibes are unattractive no matter who you are.

So until there is some real ass potential in a dude, I’m just gonna try to relax and be abundant. Because truly, “there is more where that came from”. Maybe that attitude will at least help me to open up to more dope people in general, instead of putting the pressure on finding the LOML.

[jadenight]

It’s been forever.

But listening to a re-play of Seth Godin on a podcast. And he said to blog every day even if anonymous. And I remembered this blog I made because of his idea, years ago. Anonymous (mostly).

I’m in a new state and state in life. Still single gal, early 30s now. Living somewhere new for a couple weeks now. Trying to start again in a new place. So much possiblility, but now with more experience. A little jaded (haha), but ready for positive change.

It’s both exhilirating and scary to start in a new city again, with the unknown. I now know it’s so much work, but in my control. I don’t want to mess up this chance, because I know in my gut this is a place I can stay for a long time.

So I’ll blog right now cuz why not. Again, cuz Seth Godin said so. But also cuz I know my future self is curious of what I have to say right now. No time like now.

P. S. - I posted this a second ago and felt so supremely satisfied. This small post scratched a creative itch that I had inside that I was trying to alleviate with my calligraphy right now. But I forgot that this feels good too. Gonna try to keep going :)

[jadenight]

100 days of gratitude

<p>Im really happy I started the 100 day project again. I feel good for forcing myself to write a grateful haiku everyday. I was just going to do it about gratitude but it didn’t feel like enough. I had to make it a little more challenging and also I feel like my mind was ready to write again. I was in a fatigued state after 12+ hours of work and decided to start my project. What ended up happening was 100 days of grateful haikus! I didn’t know what I got myself into. It’s the 6th day now and I am challenged but I’m glad I get to do it. To be honest I feel fluid and natural with words and poetic things. It feels good and flows for me, but for the longest time I have suppressed it. But I guess my body says I’m not allowed to surpress it anymore, so here I am. It’s fun. It’s gonna be interesting and challenging but here I am, mofos. </p> <p>With the spring comes brightness, sunshine and renewal and I couldn’t be more grateful. The ups and downs can be hard but that’s the game. Feeling good after many days of work and taking care of sick people, it’s nice to just relax and unfold.

[jadenight]

100 days of haikus.

Im really happy I started the 100 day project again. I feel good for forcing myself to write a grateful haiku everyday. I was just going to do it about gratitude but it didn’t feel like enough. I had to make it a little more challenging and also I feel like my mind was ready to write again. I was in a fatigued state after 12+ hours of work and decided to start my project. What ended up happening was 100 days of grateful haikus! I didn’t know what I got myself into. It’s the 6th day now and I am challenged but I’m glad I get to do it. To be honest I feel fluid and natural with words and poetic things. It feels good and flows for me, but for the longest time I have suppressed it. But I guess my body says I’m not allowed to surpress it anymore, so here I am. It’s fun. It’s gonna be interesting and challenging but here I am, mofos.

With the spring comes brightness, sunshine and renewal and I couldn’t be more grateful. The ups and downs can be hard but that’s the game. Feeling good after many days of work and taking care of sick people, it’s nice to just relax and unfold.

[jadenight]

Something.

Creating something, and releasing it out into the universe feels amazing. Even when you feel it's like a piece of crap. It's better than doing nothing. Haven't put out anything in many weeks because I was in the worst funk ever. But women's day snapped me out of it and I knew I would feel bad if I didn't post or draw something. So I did. It's not perfect. But I did.

[jadenight]

Something I learned in therapy lately is when I stop beating myself up, and let myself rest and sleep and be lazy, then after doing that for awhile, I'm so bored with resting that I want to rebel and be productive. I think the opposite was true before, I was putting so much pressure on myself to be productive that I shut down and wanted to do nothing and hated myself for it, and I was STILL exhausted. So this is an interesting thing right now I'm dealing with and figuring out.

[jadenight]

Good food and designs

I am sitting here under the weather crowing down on som Tom Ka and watching "Abstract" on Netflix. Yummy, spicy aromatic coconut soup and awesome design documentaries? I feel better already. I'm starting to feel inspired again. I need to just keep myself rested on days off so I won't keep getting colds over and over. Keep rested, eat warm food and watch stuff that makes me happy. (Oh yeah and do therapy, that helps a lot too lol).

[jadenight]

Starting therapy again

I am starting therapy again. It’s online therapy, and kind of expensive. But it’s better than nothing for now. Hopefully this helps. I feel better already. Self care is the best care.

[jadenight]

I need headphones!

Its official. I cannot work in a public place without headphones. I have just been siiting here for an hour just puttering about. I mean, this Is my 3rd tumbr post today! I am going to go buy some headphones and pick up some house necessities. I have stuff I need to do at home before work starts again for me tomorrow. I am glad I made myself get out of the apartment and start exploring coffee shops. I am glad I went to a friend's house for the superbowl last night. I need to implement being social at least once a week, and maybe these coffee outings for another day a week, just to keep me moving and changing environments instead of locking myself up in my apartment like I tend to do. Even just an hour at a coffee shop gets me dressed and in fresh air and then around real people. Good shit. God for my mental health. "Good" is what I meant. But God too, sure.

Its a good balance from the partying. I don't party that much anyway, just special occasions and here and there.

Anyway, time to buy some head phones.

[jadenight]

Older hope.

Same little old couple sitting next to me is talking about how sick of Donald Trump they are already. The old man said whenever he sees those expressions on Donald Trump's face, he wants to punch him in the face. The lady said that he is just so immature. That just warms my heart. My experience in this state has been mostly these older white people have been Trump praise and trashing democrats.It is refreshing to hear and gives me some hope that this place isn't all bad, and I am not all alone.

This lady is so informed! They are having such a strong intelligent conversation about politics. I hope I am like that when I am older.

[jadenight]

four eyes.

I have been wearing my big black eyeglasses ever since that nasty stye (which is still a little pink in that area.) I feel like I look like a totally different person and it I s kind of cool.

I am at a local coffee shop and I am sitting next to this old couple. The lady is all proper with pearls. She keeps talking about some lady named "Connie" but in my head, I keep changing it to "Kanye".

"Kanye keeps leaving things neglected from the meeting!"

"Kanye needs to meet with the vice president of the corporation"

The juxtaposition of Kanye West and this proper little lady makes me laugh to myself in my big glasses.

ok time try and be productive again.

[jadenight]

That could have been me

I had a patient who had some major depression in her 50s who was severely over-weight and had her parents taking care of her. She was hard to talk care of because she didn't want to move and she just laid in one place. She had a sudden code and passed away and they suspected she threw a PE. It just occurred to me that, that was me once. There was a period of time when I was so depressed that i slept for tons of hours during the day, and I was moody and grumpy and gained a lot of weight and I was so tired and insecure I couldn't make it to my therapist appointments. I would take multiple Benadryls to knock myself out, then drink insane amounts of coffee just to go in caffeine frenzies and then take multiple benadryls and pass out again. I felt so out of control. That's when my dad's motivational Brian Tracy tapes came in, I would listen to them as i slept so I knew I had some kind of positive message coming in even if I was passed out. Because i didn't want to be scared and have bad dreams. Then I found some Christian (Joyce Meyer worked for me for some reason) podcasts and put them on as I slept all day. And I would have other motivational or meditation podcasts or tapes playing as I passed out all the time and felt like I could feel God protecting me and I felt safer. God is good. Jesus is good. I feel like they were always there to help me, but I had to first use my free will to reach out for the help. Like the story of the man by the healing water. What if my dad didn't have tapes? What if I didn't start surrounding myself with positivity that helped me? What if I stayed depressed and sleeping for many years and then threw a blood clot from being immobile like that lady? I am beyond grateful for being alive right now. I just got on my knees in gratitude and prayed thanks. God is amazing. Life is good and should not be taken for granted. I need to remind myself of this all the time.

[jadenight]

Spirit guides?

Stumbled upon Gabby Bernstein talking about spirit guides so I did a little meditation and writing thing. Then I listen to a random Ferriss podcast with this guy talking about depression, and things drop and stuff my "live the life you have imagined" sign drops so I pay attention. And then shortly after they talk about sub conscious and God and stuff and I'm like wow. My angels and spirit guides feel strong and think one of them that has been protecting me is my grandpa. And i need to just keep paying attention because this is cool/creepy/amazing/crazy. Hmmmm. Wow.

[jadenight]

I want to go to all the coffee places and brewing places and meet people and chronicle and get outside my comfort zone. And create. But it's just so cold and I'm so sleepy and this job is starting to get to me. I want to go to coffee places and maybe draw type a type of drink I like? I want to explore because I need to go to some coffee places anyway to work on some stuff for work. I can integrate coffee hut exploration. Or maybe even just go to my own local Starbucks. I just need to get out. I've been a hermit a lot, and also I know I'm not doing my best at work lately so I feel disappointed in my own performance. I know I need to get moving.

[jadenight]

Spam

I have a bunch of spam followers and I don’t know why. You click them and they have no content. I don't know wtf. And if you are a porn site I just immediately block you so don't try.

[jadenight]

Wasting time

I love laying around after a long week of work and "wasting time" and re listening to long podcast episodes i like. Why do I feel like this is a rare opportunity in my life that I must savor? In this moment I feel so free. And it feels great.

[jadenight]

I can feel your energy from two planets away

Bitch don't kill my vibe.