jasparagus-the-goblin

[jasparagus-the-goblin]

April 23, 2021

Should I start on the bad note or good note? I suppose bad so we can relieve our stresses with the good. 

So last night I realized I needed my uniforms for work to be washed because I work the next day. I only get two shirts so laundry is a constant task. Sometimes my mom likes to wash them for me with a load of her own clothes so I’m not over-washing or wasting water, so my dad told me to place the clothing on top of the washer. Now, before my mom and I left for work she mentioned she was beginning to wash a load of towels so no laundry would be done when we were gone so she could shower when she got home. I also had this thought in my head while I was pondering this task. I figured if she didn’t wash them, I can just do it in the morning when I wake up; no big deal! Except apparently it was. So I heard her come home late in the night (because whenever she gets off late my brain just wakes me up to eavesdrop to hear what shit she’s saying now), and she was already mad because my dad had accidentally left his phone in the car for an hour, leaving him unreachable. Slightly understandable, but she overreacted. That’s a whole other story, this blog is for me, not analyzing my parents’ toxic marriage. So naturally, when she sees my uniforms resting on top of the washing machine, she gets even more upset and proceeds to come into my room and put them back in my basket, slamming the door on the way out. (Good thing I’m good at pretending to sleep). Honestly, none of what she did or said really phased me at the time, I was half asleep and desperate to return to my previous state of unconsciousness. 

This morning I woke up and set about doing my laundry, as I was told to do MULTIPLE times in the past. She explicitly gave me specific times I can wash my clothes: between the time I get up (6 in the morning) and 4 in the afternoon. I shouldn’t even have gotten in trouble for not doing it when I got off. So the load is almost done, it’s on the spin cycle, so it makes some rocking noises, waking my mom up. She comes storming out of the bedroom and goes off on me. I won’t be too explicit in the details, but one of the things she did included slamming my school laptop shut (school-owned, not paid for) and tossing it into the wall beside me. Because she got woke up. Sorry your marriage is crumbling because your an insecure, manipulative, controlling, hypocritical bitch but you have no right to take it out on me.

On a brighter note, there’s this guy at work I really want to hug. Like, I wouldn’t even call it a crush per se, I just want that physical contact, and maybe one of his hoodies. And here’s why. The guy smells so good. Like, (I work at a pizza place) and I’m at the cut table, surrounded by pizza and grease, I’m sweating off my ass since I’m right by the oven, and he comes in from taking out the trash and just from like a foot of distance between us I could smell his cologne or whatever. And it was so good. Call me creepy or whatever, but peoples’ “scents” tells a lot about who they are. Maybe it’s a further adaptation of my introverted observation skills, but if a person smells good, chances are they have an excellent personality. And he’s adorable too?? Like I made him his order of wings and he walks up to me with little grabby hands and this soft look and says “gimme” and I fucking blushed. (Thank god we have to wear masks). I even had a conversation with him sort of, stepping right outside the border of small talk and I don’t really socialize with my co-workers (social anxiety and I don’t want to fuck up my job). In his presence, I also feel really masculine which is super euphoric, so I can’t tell if I’m (sort of) attracted to him or if I’m just jealous. The curse of being a pansexual transmasc person. In short, being in his presence made me feel good, though it could simply just be that I enjoyed being in the same proximity as one of my peers, seeing as I hardly leave the house and do virtual school. So based on this reasoning, I gotta gather more evidence. Which requires more interaction. Which I’m excited about but also dreading. Why is social interaction so obnoxiously hard? Like it’s so hard to find things to say.

[jasparagus-the-goblin]

Late Night Thoughts

Hm, I’m tired but I don’t wanna sleep, so let’s see what the brain up there has to say, huh? I realize without the comfort of having a partner I am always 1, obnoxiously horny with no desire to actually do anything about it (am I allowed to say that), 2, a strong urge for someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me I’m theirs (according to a friend, that’s the equivalent of a praise kink so that’s something), or 3, just straight up depressed/angry that I don’t have a partner to at least share things with. 

And as I am writing this I am dozing off so it’s time to hit the hay boys! Let our subconscious curse us further as it poisons your dreams with images of your toxic ex who you happily and easily forget exists in your wake.

And my friends tell me I need to take some time to work on myself and heal and I agree with them logically. But my romantic, sentimental heart yearns for connection that transcends basic friendship.

Anywho, I have school, which I also dread. So goodnight void. 

[jasparagus-the-goblin]

April 22, 2021

Hmm where to begin? I guess I just start writing, huh. This really isn’t for anyone per se, more so my brain can relax without having so much pent up. Sure I could vent to someone, aloud or through text, but I don’t want to annoy them with my constant need to let things out. So I’ve compromised. An anonymous blog no one will probably ever see; shouting into the void, if you will. Let’s hope this is as therapeutic as people say.

So I was watching this terribly cisheteronormative show called Army Wives and a kid on the show had gotten caught drinking alcohol. Naturally, her stepmom is livid so she goes to lecture her. However, the stepmom brings up how this could effect the girl’s father since he was a general in the military. She wasn’t worried about her health or her future, or even what drove the girl to do this. “Your actions effect your father, you don’t care about anyone but yourself, you selfish bitch” is what the stepmom basically said. Granted, I had no further context of these characters beyond this scene, so I was making conclusions based on what I saw. So, I wanting to be a psych major, scoffed at the scene which got my mother’s attention. 

She began to ask why I had such a reaction and I noticing her slightly-irritated tone, simply dismissed it. “Nothing.” And she continues to ask, her tone growing more angered. “It doesn’t matter.” She still continues, practically forcing it out of me because she desires to prove me wrong because I have no right to form a factual opinion. So I spill it. You don’t fucking tell a kid whose obviously acting out that they need to walk on glass for the sake of their father; military or not that’s fucked up. That’s unnecessary pressure to put on a kid, especially if they are acting out. Get the kid some fucking therapy or actually fucking talk to them like a parent should. The parent is the responsible one and the kid may not always feel comfortable spilling their heart to someone who may or may not understand. But I didn’t even get that far.  And my mom goes off. She begins to repetitively ask me what makes me the expert in parenting, denouncing my opinion by stating hollow facts. She begins to even slightly berate my want of becoming a psychologist (even though I’m literally applying what I’ve learned so far into the scenario). She also gives me further context to the characters. Turns out the daughter (the one caught drinking) believed her stepmom forced her dad and biological mom apart and treated her with disrespect (a natural response nonetheless) and she also takes this out on her brother. Along with her father randomly dipping out of the picture (since he is military), and her lack of sense of belonging (shown when she begins to hang out with a bad group of kids, and she KNOWS it) it’s easy to see why she’s so disrespectful to her stepmother. But of course, my mom sees only an ungrateful, disrespectful teenager. Which she automatically makes the connection that seeing as I (in her opinion) am also an ungrateful, disrespectful teenager, it makes sense as to why I would side with her. Now, I barely got any part of what I wanted to say out and she berated me for an opinion I had every right to have that she forced out of me because I DIDN’T want to be disrespectful. 

I fucking cried right there. The first time in a while and I cry a lot. It took everything I had not to tell her off right there or storm into my room so I could punch something. And then she wonders why I don’t talk to her about anything, my interests, major life events, or even simple opinions. But go the fuck off I guess.