jemstrash

[jemstrash]

Life update, I’m finally medicated and I leave on a month long trip to the UK in like a week. Teenage me who use to use this app as her anonymous escape forgot that I can write about this here. I’m so scared to go on this trip. I’ve never gone on a solo trip out of the country before. My first time in New York I was alone and then I moved there without ever knowing anyone. So now that I’m back in my home city and I’ve learned to have a life here after hating this place so much, it’s so scary to do this all over again. I’ve grown comfortable in this life I learned to forcefully accept. If became something that now I’m having trouble leaving again. But I NEED to do this because I have to remind myself I don’t want to live here. So it’s time to see what else is out there. I could end up finding a way to finally move to a different country like I’ve said I’ve always wanted to do. If the UK doesn’t feel like the place I need to be then I’m trying New Zealand. And if that also seems like it’s not working out then I’m not sure. But I’m actually in a place in life where I don’t hate my current job but it’s also not a typical career I feel tied to. I’m experiencing the life that teen me who used to be on here talking about how badly I wanted to do these things is getting to live out who she’s always wanted to be now as an adult. I’m finally healing and it’s odd to finally be in a place that isn’t just my depression. I finally have ambition again.

[jemstrash]

Holy shit, hi Tumblr! It’s been sooooo long since I’ve last been on here. Last time I posted I was talking about my break up to a man who left me through text to move to Ohio 🤡 well guess who is going through another breakup with a man who left because he “didn’t want this relationship to feel like a chore.” I really know how to pick em

[jemstrash]

Lol I feel like I haven’t been on here in awhile. Last time I posted I was talking about my boyfriend. Well life update: the boyfriend I grew to really love said he saw me as a life partner and asked to move in with me…. He also broke up with me through text after I opened up to him completely because he swore he didn’t know how I felt.

[jemstrash]

My boy friend wants to go to med school and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life…. I feel very not good enough

[jemstrash]

Update on Gansey boy I’ve started to like: he is now my boyfriend.

[jemstrash]

So I started talking to this guy and he honestly feels like my own Gansy it’s insane. I’m like this quirky weird style type girl and he’s more of an academic (who still matches me in music) and something about him just feels right. Like I’ve never been so comfortable with a guy before him and it’s insane to me that I am.

[jemstrash]

I’m going. I bought tickets so now I have to go. And I just need to stop over thinking this. I haven’t been to a small show like this in so long and I need it

Hardcore contemplating if I want to go to this show tonight that I think would be really cool to go to and great experience music wise but I don’t know if I want to go because the coffee shop guy that I think is cute is in a band and will be playing at this thing but he doesn’t know that I know he’s in a band and I’m a regular at this coffee shop and I’m scared it would come across weird or creepy if I go but there’s also 7 other bands on this bill so it’s not like he’d know that a big reason I’m going is to see his band… I’m probably just overthinking this lol

[jemstrash]

[jemstrash]

Hardcore contemplating if I want to go to this show tonight that I think would be really cool to go to and great experience music wise but I don’t know if I want to go because the coffee shop guy that I think is cute is in a band and will be playing at this thing but he doesn’t know that I know he’s in a band and I’m a regular at this coffee shop and I’m scared it would come across weird or creepy if I go but there’s also 7 other bands on this bill so it’s not like he’d know that a big reason I’m going is to see his band… I’m probably just overthinking this lol

[jemstrash]

i saw the words “ur not the first person in your lineage to be queer” and it’s rocking me to my core. how many generations down the line did one of my ancestors feel the way i did, feel differently than i did and so damn queerly it was a crime? how many of us were there? did they have hope? did they find peace? i don’t know. at the very least, maybe i am proof their identity was never wasted. reincarnated.

[jemstrash]

The smell of food makes me sick

I can’t swallow a single thing

Since you told me your deepest shit

The irony of my life coming back to mock me

Words coming out that I promised to hide til death

But it’s like you said

If I had kept this hidden

Death would be at my doorstep early

How wicked this life can be

When you can’t be with the one who makes you feel the most seen

And so I stand here as my world falls to shreds

After living through the day I would constantly dread

I didn’t expect my chest to hurt so badly

Didn’t think that a broken heart could yearn so badly

For a forbidden touch that I never thought possible

But when you confessed

My heart broke for that touch

Completely shattered by the thought

That it could’ve been possible

If not for that Saturday evening

Where you married the person everyone called your best friend

Forgetting that I was right there

Watching as it all played out

Pretending to smile happily

But really I wanted to be the one

Who spoke those two words

That would end it all

I reject

I reject

I reject

It was stuck in my throat

I reject

I reject

I reject

But I couldn’t let the words out

I reject

I reject

I reject

I felt it so deeply inside of me

I reject

I reject

I reject

My soul breaking for what can’t be

I reject

I reject

I reject

But this is how it’s supposed to be

[jemstrash]

My best friend confessed that she loved me as more than just friends two days after her wedding. I have been in love with her for so long and hearing that she felt the same has been one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve experienced

[jemstrash]

are you in the top 1% of listeners or are you normal

[jemstrash]

Y’all wtf!!! Today was so weird. There’s this coffee shop I go to all the time before work or during my break and there’s a barista who works there who I always thought was kind of cute when I first started working in the area and now I have a small crush on him (but it’s only based on what little I know of him so it’s more of an attraction) and tbh I was getting over this little crush as a daydream that will never happen because if you’ve read my previous posts you would know that I apparently like my coworker now??? And today when I went to go get my coffee he was working the counter and for once ACTUALLY TRIED to keep a conversation going. He remembered where I worked (which I never told him this before but I have mentioned to his other coworker once). Throughout that whole interaction he tried to keep the convo rolling, even while he grabbed my coffee. Which now that I think about it he didn’t even ask if I wanted anything in it (even the other baristas that I interact with more still ask me). I can’t tell if he’s noticed that I take my coffee straight black or forgot to ask. I’m going again tomorrow so I’ll see if I can put it to the test.

[jemstrash]

Guys I need your help to prove a point. A friend of mine is developing a high quality 2D heroic fantasy animated show, that everyone wants to see but no one to fund. The broadcasters and platforms are telling her that heroic fantasy is a niche genre that doesn’t sell as is 2D animation.

So….

Like if you enjoy 2D animation.

Like if you enjoy heroic fantasy .

Reblog if you would definitely watch and support a 2D animated heroic fantasy show.

[jemstrash]

no other social media site gives me what tumblr has given me . i love this place . it’s awful here. i’ll never leave .

[jemstrash]

What your headache is tellin you