jeninamarainbow

[jeninamarainbow]

Am I not allowed to feel tired?

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #35: My 2021 Plot Twist

Interestingly enough, on the day when I felt like trash, worthless, and as shallow as it may sound, ugly and fat (because I really gained A LOT of weight)

This happened...

Forever and Always, YES. 💕

(12/19/21)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #34: Life Update

I suddenly had an urge to write after a score of 3/6 on a short quiz about biology of basophils. I would say “How have you been?” but, I am certain no one really reads this blog. Haha. It has been more than a year and if you have seen my last entry, you’d know that I have lost my Mama Ems (my grandmother) last year and together with the stress of this pandemic... I can honestly say that 2020 was a straight up bitch. I was devastated most of the time and I did not feel like expressing myself in any way. I felt alone, angry, sad and at one point I felt like I needed professional help. But, I believe I was lucky enough to be slowly fixed by time. Time made me realize how I could still spend moments with my family no matter how sad things are. It made me realize my dreams and my future. I am still army crawling away from grief but I know that if it decides to stay for a little while, I have a strong support system. The most difficult truth is that I have started my first year of fellowship training in PGH last January 2020-- before everything happened. It was a dilemma if staying would benefit me in the long run or quitting to focus on myself more would be a better idea. It’s just that, I promised Mama Ems on her deathbed that I will push through and I will be a good doctor for her. So here I am, on my second year of fellowship training. I guess it’s safe to say that because we have first years now (our training was extended for half a year), the work load is definitely lighter. Being a doctor actually restricts you to grieve. Because as generous time is when it comes to healing, it’s as uncompromising when it comes to moving on. Time will not wait for you, it will not adjust for you, the clock would continue to tick, no matter how unready you are. Luckily, God has been giving me more than enough to push through. For instance, my sister finally had her baby on September 2020, which was probably one of the happiest moments of my life... if not the happiest. Our baby Ela is turning a year old next month and she is always a breath of fresh air! She’s beautiful, sweet, smart, kind and innocent. She can now stand and even cruises around the playpen, and can say “mowe! (more)”, “babum (water)”, “mama (sometimes ngyangya!) and “dada!”. I am willing to do Sars CoV2 nasopharyngeal RT-PCR every time I visit her, no matter how painful it is. She makes me want to be a better person everyday. Also, Kenn and I have been well. Even though we barely see each other for safety purposes, our relationship has really grown (What 2019 drama?). He’s been supportive and loving all throughout these hardships and I am forever grateful. And, most importantly, our family has been healthy and covid-19 free for a year (fine, I, together with my 2 co-fellows, had tested positive to covid-19 last March 2021 after being exposed at the vaccination site where we were assigned to man, but we were all asymptomatic, so there’s that). 

I pray that this pandemic finally ends so I can go home whenever I could and hug my parents, ate, kuya, baby Ela, and Kenn! For now, videocalls would suffice... until we can all travel again! 

(8/18/21) Photo was taken on my birthday last April with my batchmates at PGH Allergy and Immunology office. Can you guess how much weight I have gained? 

clue: A LOT :’> 

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #33: Your Love Lives On

I don’t have plans to write anything down anytime soon but what I have learned in the past months is that time is a traitor and it will not wait for anyone. It’s been almost 3 weeks since tragedy struck my family. If you have read my previous posts, I have been mentioning my grandmother every so often because she has really been a part of my life since I was born. On May 7, 2020, she finally surrendered her life back to our Creator. 

She fought so bravely for 3 weeks in the hospital where I was fortunate to take care of her and spend time with her, even though she didn’t remember me most of the time. What was sad was that she was a victim of circumstance-- labeled as person under investigation (from Covid-19), physicians and nurses only limited their time in our room and my relatives, even the immediate ones, could not even see her until the day of her demise. If i were to write all of my experiences here, the article will just be plain devastating. At this moment, my emotions are a mix of anger, disgust, sadness, exhaustion, and pain. But that’s a different matter and I would rather write my memories with Mama Ems for now. 

My first memory as a child was at a nursery school in our village. I could still remember the smell of new coloring books and fruit juices, sight of the small playground, and touch of the soft pillows for our nap time. I wasn’t an independent 4 years old. I was the baby of the family so I didn’t immediately get the idea of school and having to stay in a room without any of my family members around. Mama Ems patiently bathe me, fed me, prepared snacks and accompanied me to school (it’s just walking distance from our house), every single day. I remember asking her to stand in front of the door where I could see her when I felt uneasy. I never heard her complain. She would stand there for 2 hours until the class finishes and would walk back home with me. One incident that stood out was when I got sick at school. She felt I was too feverish and decided to bring me back home. Did I mention I was really overweight as a kid? So when her frail late 60-year-old body carried me, every other moms/guardians panicked. According to her, everyone was asking “Naku nanay, kaya nyo po ba sya kargahin, baka mabalian po kayo? (Are you sure you can carry her? You might get injured)”  I asked her what her response was and she said “Mataas masyado ung lagnat eh.. (Her fever is too high)” . I can’t believe I was weight shamed at an early age of 4. Haha. But, I knew at that point, Mama Ems really loves me. 

Junior Kinder year wasn’t a smooth ride as well. I remember crying so much one day, and asking her to come with me to school when the school service came to fetch me. I was dragging her along with me so she didn’t have time to change to her outside clothes. Wearing a daster without a bra, she didn’t hesitate to come with me and encouraged me to attend my class. However, If I remember correctly, I still wailed continuously when we got there, and was just allowed by the principal to go home. 

Elementary days were better. At this point, my sister and I were elementary students, my brother was in high school and both of my parents were working in Manila. Every day we’d wake up with complete breakfast on the table, ready for everyone, and packed lunch and snacks already prepared. She’d wake up extra early for that. At that time I thought, It’s normal for older people to wake up earlier than the rest. But looking back, she actually didn’t have to do any of that, at all. She’s a relative and she does not get paid, not even a cent-- yet she provided service for everyone anyway. She washes all of our clothes, irons them, cleans the house so well, cooks 3 or more meals a day, knows where all of our things are (just ask her where and she knows where everything’s kept, no matter how bad we were at keeping things tidy), and still manage to take care of us, the kids. When I was in grade 3, I remember being assigned to bring a magnifying glass in class for an experiment, I told her about it and she immediately placed it on the table so I won’t forget. The night prior I remember her saying, “Oh, Jem baka makalimutan mo ung para sa project mo, lagay mo na sa bag mo kasi maaga ka bukas” (Jem, put the magnifying glass inside your bag so you won’t forget it, you have to be up early tomorrow). Being the childish that I was, I remember being a bit annoyed and thinking “Bakit ang kulit ni Mama Ems?” (Why does she keep on reminding me, it’s annoying). The morning came and as soon as I got in the classroom, I felt cold sweat on my palms. I FORGOT THE MAGNIFYING GLASS. I pretended to be calm and thought of reasons to tell my group mates and teacher so they won’t get mad at me. I was so close to crying...But, as soon as I opened my bag, I saw it. It was there. The magnifying glass was inside my bag because Mama Ems placed it there. She knew I’d forget so she placed it there herself. At that point, I knew Mama Ems cares about us so much.  She was present in all of our events in school when a guardian was needed. I had a very fond memory of going to first communion and confirmation practices when I was in grades 3 and 6, respectively, at out Parish. We would just ride a jeepney and a tricycle to get there. Those were always half day practices and the guardians don’t do anything. They just sit at the back of the altar and watch us practice. But, I never heard her complain. She even gave me Php 10.00 once when I asked if I could buy popcorn from a street vendor (My parents wouldn’t even allow me, haha). 

When I was in highschool, I had to put on braces so my teeth would look better. Everytime i had them adjusted, Mama Ems would cook anything I want. She’d make me soup, lugaw (porridge) and pasta so I would eat. One time, my mom asked me if I’d like a cob of corn for snack in school. Being a teenager, eating was more of a job for me. I didn’t really care which snack I get because I rarely eat them. I remember thinking “Sige na, kahit ano” (Yea, whatever), though I knew it would be hard for someone with braces to eat a corn straight from the cob. To my surprise, however, during break time, I found shredded corn placed in a tupperware... with butter and salt. Mama Ems knew I didn’t eat corn straight from the cob and I didn’t even have to tell her. I was really touched and happy at that moment and I finished my snack. 

Every Christmas time is memorable for our family. We practice the tradition of Noche Buena at 12 midnight and opening of presents after. Since I was a kid, I remember Mama Ems being busy in the kitchen to prepare our Noche Buena. She’d make hot chocolate every year. I don’t know how she does it but, she’d cook and prepare the table at 12 midnight, clean up and wash dishes after, clean after our torn gift wrappers, and when we wake up on Christmas morning, she’s still the first one up-- preparing our breakfast, with a very clean living room, regardless how wild we rummaged the place during opening of presents. Of course this became less messier as we were growing up. But, she never fails to work hard every year. On Christmas of 2017, I have noticed her having cough and colds for a few days already. Being a physician, I gave her some medicines. She was up and about and was so eager to prepare for Noche Buena and clean up after even though we insisted to do everything instead. Before she slept that time, I kissed her goodnight and found out she was already having a high grade fever. Again, she never complained. But that ended with a 1 week admission due to pneumonia. Mama Ems was so kind and selfless she wouldn’t want to be a burden to others.

On June 2019, she had an accident and had to undergo a partial hip operation. I knew she was willing to live and be back to walking alone because she pushed herself and followed all the instructions of the physical therapist strictly. At that point, she needed minimal help to bathe herself and whenever she goes to the toilet but she made sure to do everything on her own once she’s in the bathroom. I always volunteered to wash her clothes and underwear but she refuses. Most of the time, I do it anyway. But other times, she showers while sitting on a plastic chair and washes her clothes after. I knew she was sad when she wasn’t allowed to do any work at home anymore but I encouraged her to do things that she wanted to fight boredom, such as watching TV, reading some magazines, walking, exercising and just chatting with us. When mom allows her to do household chores like folding clothes, she eagerly agrees and does everything so quickly. As if to prove she still has a purpose in the family. She clearly didn’t know all, and I mean all -- my dad, mom, brother, sister and I, owe our success to her. Wherever we are right now, whatever we have accomplished. It’s all because of her. 

I was able to talk and spend time with Mama Ems on last week of February. I remember giving her my advanced birthday gift, because I was on-call at the wards for the whole month of March and I knew, I’d miss her 87th birthday. She shyly accepted my gift and said “Ikaw talaga, baby” , “Oh, ano Jem, di ka pala makakauwi ng buong March? Sa April na pala tayo ulit magkikita?” (I see I won’t be seeing you the whole month of March. I’ll see you in April, then),  and I felt at that moment, she wishes I’d spend more time with her. I called her on March 10, her birthday, at 9 PM because that day, work at the hospital was really toxic. She was happy or at least she sounded happy. They celebrated and she opened her presents and even told me “Di ko pa nasusukat yung damit na bigay mo pero kasya naman yun” (I haven’t tried the blouses you gave me but I’m sure they’ll fit). Then we said our usual good byes. She never got to wear those blouses. 

I did see her on April, but at that time, she was already weak and couldn’t recognize me that much. Because of the Covid pandemic, the circumstance wasn’t kind to us. Every hospital protocol was against us. She fought for us for 3 weeks until she finally surrendered her life to the Lord on May 7, 2020. It was the longest yet shortest 3 weeks of my life. Every day in the hospital was painful for the both of us, it was 3 weeks of anxiety, sadness, panic, and devastation. Yet,  I wish she could have stayed a while longer. 

If I would write about Mama Ems’ kindness on one article. A single day won’t be enough. She is literally an angel to our family. She touched our lives more than she’ll ever know. If she’s here now, she’d probably feel guilty about me missing fellowship training for a month but you know what Mama Ems? It was ALL WORTH IT. I have never been more proud of myself for being able to take care of you on your last few days on earth. You inspire me to be a better person and be kind to others always. You may not be present on our next Christmas celebration or any other family celebration for that matter, but we will forever remember how you selflessly loved us until your last breath. Praying that God welcomes you in His Kingdom warmly. I hope you are looking down on us and is proud of how we are handling things without you. We get our strength from you. 

We will forever remember you, We will miss and love you, forever and always. 

Your Love Lives On. 

(05/26/2020)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #32: Rest in Peace

It's been 12 days since my forced quarantine.

As a physician, I wasn't really bothered by the early attack of Covid-19. I thought it was just like the mers-CoV/swine flu/ah1N1 type of chaotic virus and would never blow up. But, I was eager to let the continuous passing on of the virus to stop by urging the government to close flights from the countries with significant number of cases (there is a direct flight from Wuhan, China to Boracay, Philippines), or at least make sure that the Department of Health recognizes that an epidemic is a possibility so we must all be ready. Instead, however, the government was too complacent - - they always claimed that everything was under control until the number of cases started piling up, and deaths were happening as well. Currently, there are almost 2k number of cases, 90k pending test results and a hundred of deaths-- 17 of which are frontliner physicians who were the first to recognize the scare of the virus and gave their service wholeheartedly. I am not a frontliner because I am a pediatrician and in PGH (which is currently one of the 3 covid centers), the administration strategically placed residents and some Internal Medicine Fellows to man the covid wards, covid ICU and covid triage to be able to attend to the patients with utmost care. But, I can honestly say this situation shakes me. I can't wait to get back to my old routine and be nervous about my training as an allergy & immuno fellow rather than be anxious about what's going to happen in the future,deaths of more physicians, deaths of more citizens which could have been avoided, and the possibilities of changing this training altogether. I have learned that no matter how much I like staying home alone, I would want the freedom to visit my parents and Mama Ems anytime. I miss seeing my siblings. I also miss hanging out with Kenneth, just drinking coffee, eating dinner together and walking around malls or BGC. I never had a fancy date with him but I have never been this thankful for all those simple dates and time spent together. I miss having my nails cleaned and just pampering myself in the salon. I miss putting on make-up. I missing getting coffee from overpriced coffee shops, just because. I miss eating out with friends--which happens very rarely but would always make my heart extremely happy. I miss the babies at work. I just want everything to be back to normal so I can complain about how I don't get enough sleep because of this training, or how I don't easily understand some concepts. I have no idea when will this pandemic be over, and when can we get back to usual without the fear of having to experience this again. Now that it's hard to trust those who are in power, if they say cases are now decreasing and everything is under control, should we believe them?

In another scenario, I should be celebrating because I'm done with my first month of being on call. I'm probably panicking for the audit on Friday and would be looking forward to the weekend because I would come home to celebrate my sister, passing her specialty boards. I'd be excited for the lent because it's a mini vacation that would be spent with my family-- visiting churches and cooking delicious food. I would be excited to attend the PPS convention and would be counting down days to my 30th. But today's reality is basically praying for things to get better and be back to normal. This could be God's way of telling us to slow down, appreciate the beauty around us and be content with happiness not bought by money.

Rest in Peace to my fellow physicians, especially to our Philippine Pediatric Society President, Dr. Sally Gatchalian. We will be strong for you. (04/01/2020)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #31: No regrets. Just love.

Few months ago, I have been so devastated about my grandmother's recovery and my personal problem with Kenneth. It felt like my world was crashing and the pain was unbearable. It was difficult, dragging and depressing. I was on the verge of letting Kenn go because I knew I didn't deserve that experience. Fast forward to today, I can honestly say that God has a way of making you realize how grateful you should be with things around you no matter how crazy. Everything happens because you are going to learn something from it. There will be times when you feel like the world doesn't make sense but if you continue to trust God, He'll make sure things will fall on their proper places at the right time. Kenneth has never been this wonderful. For almost 7 years of us being together, I honestly never experienced how caring, loving, sweet and fun he is towards our relationship until now. I can finally say I'm pretty sure we're going to spend our lives together forever. I always thank the Lord for helping me cope up with our past situation and for helping me move forward and to forgive. All those times, I prayed really hard. Today, I'm happy as ever. May God continue to make us strong individuals so we can be better for each other.

PS. Kenneth arrived from his trip to Japan with friends, today. I'm really happy he's here again. 💕 (02-25-2020)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #30: Beyond Blessed

I was busy all day yesterday because of OPD consults and some 1st year fellowship responsibilities here and there. It was around 12:30 pm when I got to settle down and have my first meal of the day at the office. Luckily we have Wi-Fi there and that's when I found out my notifications were exploding. My. Sister. Is. Pregnant. My heart literally pounded from excitement and I cried! Probably the best news ever. I can't explain the feeling. It's probably something really difficult to explain unless you have experienced it. God has been so good to my family and I really praise Him! I immediately wanted to be the BEST version of myself for this baby who doesn't even have an identity yet. The proof of life, the heartbeat, just transformed me not to be just a good person but possibly the BEST person so she/he could have the best life. Thank You, Lord. You are unbelievable. May You continue to bless and keep my ate safe and happy on her pregnancy journey. ❤️

*PS. When we took this pic a week ago, she already knew she was pregnant but didn't want to announce yet. Kuya Chard and ate decided to wait for the ultrasound first. ❤️ (2/8/2020)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #29: One month down

Well, almost one month [of fellowship] down. It has been a great start but I feel like I'm being too lax and I haven't been learning as much as I originally planned to before my actual on-call duty because I have been busy adjusting and fixing my life in general-- living alone, getting through everyday without salary yet (rumor has it, we have to wait til' June before we get our salary), waking up early and preparing my good for the day, etc. etc. I try to squeeze in time to read but sometimes topics are too long in the books and are simply hard to understand at this point since I haven't seen a lot of these theoretical cases yet. But I try. And I jot down notes so I can easily recall things. Anyway, 6 more days and it's going to be our 2nd month as fellows. I really hope I get to make the most out of these 6 days so I'd be able to Iearn and be prepared before seeing and managing patients in the wards. In my few days in PGH, I have heard a lot of heartbreaking stories and seen first hand, heartbreaking situations. Sometimes I feel a bit angry and a whole lot of sad, seeing these patients suffer so much just because some of the government officials decide to allot more budget to other agencies when in fact health care is so bad in this country. I wish I could make a difference, even in just 2 years of training.

Anyway, it's 11:07pm and I have nothing more interesting to say. Sleeping in a while!

P.S. Kenneth is spending time with his HS friends now and I really miss him. Hope we get to hangout before he leaves for Japan, for 10 days, next month. (01/25/2020)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #28: Starting strong

So I got robbed of one more day of freedom because I get to be on duty as an emergency triage fellow on New Year's Day regardless of, it, being a holiday. I'd really feel bad about it but, I have been away from the hospital for so long I feel like I actually need this. I have no idea what to do, where to go and whatever, but I know I can manage. It's funny how things turn out.

Few days before this year ends and I start my training again (2 years post residency graduation), and I got called as a physician in my own community--twice. First was to pronounce a death (may she rest in peace) and second was in the chapel while Mass was being held and an epileptic middle aged woman lost her consciousness (did neuro PE and all but she had no deficit). Glad to know my instincts as a physician are still intact even after 4 months of break. I can only hope I was able to educate the relatives well regarding the patient's condition. Otherwise, it's a failure on my part. I don't know if they were just coincidences or God's way of telling me that everything will be okay and the sacrifices will pay off. I love being a doctor, it's just that being in a new environment, having to deal with new people again make me feel uncomfortable. I know I have to get used to it, I just need time.

Anyway, PGH will be my home for 2 years and I know there will be times when I'm going to have to crawl my way through. I'm praying for patience and strength so I get to enjoy this journey no matter how difficult. May I be able to learn a lot and apply these learning to my future patients and cases.

Anyway, Happy New Year! It's already 2020 and I'm turning 3-0 in a few months. Thankful for all the blessings that my family has received this year and praying for good health for everyone. (12/30/19)

#love #2020 #bye2019 #ciao2019 #life #family #work #PGH #fellow

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #27: A letter to the 15-year-old me

Dear you,

Hi! I am you, 14 years into the future and there are so many things that I'd like to share to you. First of all, life is a bitvh. It's not always going to be fun and exciting. Actually, it's going to be more complicated and heartbreaking than not being on the top 10 of your class, or not finishing that home economics project on time because you suck at using a sewing machine (you'll never learn but it's not going to affect your life that much anyway, so you're good), or being told by your boyfriend that he still loves his ex girlfriend after 1 year in the relationship. Those are nothing. You are going to find yourself in so many crossroads in your life and it's going to be difficult, painful, stressful and nerve wracking but you will learn from all of them and you will come back stronger. Sometimes, you will need a lot of time to get back on your feet again, but what's important is that you rise again. You are now a physician-- with the MD after your name, license and all. But you will still have self doubts. Deep inside that 29-year-old, 20lbs heavier self, is that 15-year-old girl who is not sure if she's good enough, even with all the certificates and training. People will make you feel small and unimportant but I'm proud to say that regardless of what others say, you will still have those same hope and dreams---putting other's well being before yourself and trying hard to make sure people you love will be comfortable, happy and taken care of.

Know, however, that heartbreak feels the same for everybody. It's not true that when you are older, the heartbreak becomes easier. No. You'd still cry yourself to sleep everytime you fight with people you love and are important to you. Sometimes, those whom you trust the most could ruin you. Take time to think, and breathe before making any decisions because these actions are for you to carry in the future. Understand that love is not merely kissing, hugging or holding someone's hand. Sometimes, love means having to forget things which once crushed your soul... so you could start again. Love means plain forgiveness--- No ifs, No buts. It is when you forgive that you'll know you truly loved.

Family will still mean everything to you. It won't be as smooth sailing as it was, with mama ems and your parents getting older, your ate and kuya having lives of their own. I mean, it won't be as simple as going back and forth to school in one car, listening to the radio's morning news repeatedly, every. single. day. So treasure that. Enjoy every fight in the car, every laugh, every scold from you parents. These are things which will never happen again in the future. Be thankful and remember every moment.

You will see a lot of kid patients (like you have always planned/dreamed of) and would enjoy it. 14 years later, you will try to write yourself a letter of the gist of all the things you should never have taken for granted, and you will appreciate life more. I believe you are okay. Work harder, pray harder and don't forget to ALWAYS love yourself.

Sincerely,

Me ❤️ (12/17/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #26: Last days of freedom

Wow! It's been 2 months since my last blog entry and I could easily tell you what's going in with my life but there really isn't anything significant. I am still trying to finish all of the PGH requirements for my fellowship training next year and and at the same time, I have been worrying about the oral PPS (Philippine Pediatric Society) diplomate exam. Although, I just kind of let that go since I honestly couldn't focus at all no matter how hard I try. So I decided, I will just start to worry about it again when it's nearer. 😅

Anyway, now that I only have less than a month of free time, I'm starting to get anxious about life in general. I know I wanted this since I couldn't remember when but the thought of getting back in the hospital to train about something I really have no good background at... scares me so bad. It also means moving in to Manila again where things are just chaotic even on usual days and not being able to see my family as much. I long for independence and freedom at this point, but I always miss everyone at home as soon as I get out. Since I was young, I knew my strengths as a person who wants to pursue her dreams no matter how difficult but I also knew I needed time to adapt to new people around me, new environment, and new responsibilities. I pray that I get to do that next year. For now, I would try to study/read as much as I could before the month ends and I'd try to enjoy the holiday season. Claiming that this month would be filled with blessings and true happiness for my family and loved ones!

PS: Kenneth and I went to Dr. Baticulon's book launch yesterday at Fullybooked, BGC. I got the chance to tell him that I'd be training in PGH come January and I wouldn't forget his advise: "So it's your first time ever in PGH? Remember to be patient. Take everything one step at a time and wag' kang susuko (don't ever give up) !" Kenneth was with me the whole time and we got to spend some time together after that. I really wish Kenn and I would get to have dinner together as often as we could starting next year! (12/2/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #24: Some days you just lose

Like today.

I'm extremely tired. My sleep is too irregular because I have to take good care of Mama Ems-- help her get in the bathroom, bathe her, cook and feed her, wash her clothes, give her medicines and everything else. Some may think I'm being too heroic or I'm being a martyr. But they have no idea about the situation at home where no one is really willing to do what I wholeheartedly do. Yes, I'm embarassed to say, it's me or none at all. People think it's easy because it's "not a job". But it's exhausting. On top of everything, I have so much on my plate-- start of fellowship training come January, and oral examination on March. My brain is fried just thinking about it, and I couldn't follow my schedule because there's just not enough time. I'm scared for the future because I know how focused I should be in preparation for a major examination and I'm just not getting there. Not even a little. But I am not complaining because I love Mama Ems and I have decided to just be grateful for these extra moments that I get to spend with her.

With all the chaos in the house. I also found myself in another conflict and I'm just too consumed to even bother...Sometimes I feel like when it comes to the happiness of the people I love, I pay attention too much but get frustrated in the end when things don't go the way I hope they would. It pains me when my efforts go unnoticed because I listened too well. I think having this attitude is more of a curse than a blessing-- sometimes it's easier not to pay attention at all. If being in a relationship taught me something, it's not blowing issues up that much. I could try to dig deep in the argument but I know it won't be worth it. So, I'm just praying for healing for the both of us. That God may touch our hearts so we'll find rest especially now that we're both struggling to fix our individual lives.

*PS: If given a chance, I'd like to wake up in a small cafe at the corner of the street in Italy tomorrow. Or maybe at the beach listening to the waves, sand on my feet. Anywhere but here even just for a little while. ❤️(10/24/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

😔 I really wish I have the power to delete certain parts of my life because I'm tired of remembering. (10/23/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #23: I got accepted!

Wow, it's been 2 weeks of hardwork and perseverance and I'm so happy I got accepted in Philippine General Hospital (PGH) fellowship training program in Allergology and Immunology, which will begin on January 2020. I know it's going to be difficult because I will be on a different institution, which means I will have to adjust to almost everything again. My pre fellowship days gave me a glimpse on how my life will be for 2 years and to be honest, I'm excited but a bit scared because the experience was fun, but I was tired everyday! I'm grateful though, because out of 12 applicants, I was given the opportunity to be part of the 5 doctors who got in. Thank You, Lord. I have been praying for this for so long and I'm finally starting soon. I hope no matter how difficult things get, I'd always remember why I chose to be part of this and I'll try my best to put my heart into all the things that I'll be doing. I hope my family is proud of me!

PS. I hope I get to hangout with Kenneth more, now that we are both in Manila! We can study together and have dinner together when we're both free and I'm really looking forward to that ;) ❤️ (10/12/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post #22: The dumbe*t of the 7?

It's been a week since the start of our pre fellowship in PGH and I can definitely say that this is one of the most challenging experiences in my medicine life to date. I have been on this same rotation 2 years ago and tried to be in the program as well a year ago but I honestly never knew it's twice as intense the 2nd time around, and people are going to judge you so much based on how you are able to express yourself by explaining pathophysiologic processes of diseases that aren't as familiar with you anymore since you have specialized. I feel like I am the dumbest of the 7 pre fellows and I really wish all the never ending studying at night would pay off. It's embarrassing to answer a supposed easy question incorrectly a little bit cause I was intimidated. I really hope I get to this program because I want to start my life as soon as possible. I want to be able to hold clinics on places in Cavite where allergists aren't available. Maybe this is God's way of saying that I promised Him the heart of a doctor no matter how dumb I sometimes feel and that's a very big deal.

Our failures will never define us! (10/3/19)

[jeninamarainbow]

Post # 21: The Maid of Honor Speech that did not make it

It’s been a while! I have not found the perfect time to write because my sister just got married two days ago and as the maid of honor, I had to do a lot of things! I’m glad the wedding ceremony and reception were perfect just how we envisioned them! I am writing to post my maid of honor speech which I wasn’t able to personally deliver because the bride and groom requested just for a shorter version so the guests could start eating dinner already. Ate and Kuya Chard received a copy of it and were really touched by my message and so that we could all remember, I’ll post it here.  

Good evening everyone. To our family, I am Jem, to our friends It’s Jen. I am the bride’s younger sister and the bride’s original baby before Kuya Chard happened. I hope everyone’s having a fun night. Thank you for being here, I am sure ate and kuya chard are so happy to have you on this wonderful celebration.

Ate has always been serious with her role as a big sister regardless of our just 1 ½ years of age difference. And I’ll take this wonderful opportunity to share some of these big sister moments with you. When I underwent surgery at 7 years old, I had to skip school for almost a month and when I was cleared to come back, there were a lot of school works that I have to catch up on and, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, to see ate finish those school works for me so that I could rest. To think, at that time, she was only 9 years old, but I knew she was hardworking and responsible. When I was 10 years old and in 4th grade, a 5th grader, who was a guy, accidentally fell on one of the stairs in school and unfortunately landed on me. I got hurt badly, cried really hard and naturally looked for my sister. I knew it was an accident, but I just had to tell her what happened. What I didn’t know, which I just found out later on, was that she looked for that guy and slapped him on the face for what he did to me even though it was, again, an accident. We feel sorry for the guy when we reminisce about it now, but we’re mostly grateful we didn’t get in trouble. That’s ate being protective. At 13 years old, I had to transfer to a school in Manila where ate has been going to for 2 years already. She would visit my classroom every lunch break on the first few months to check up on me, and to see if I was adjusting well, would literally fix my hair, and would remind me to always be presentable because I was already a teen and was already in high school. Everyone in that new school knew her because she was an achiever and I didn’t mind being known as “Talitha’s little sister” because let me be honest, she really made my HS life easier. In college, ate was very supportive. She would make me reviewers on the same science subjects that we had even though she was busy as a college senior herself. In medical school, we were classmates and she was always there to wake me up when I oversleep on exam days and was there to remind me to concentrate on my goals and know my strengths when I felt like I was failing. She was always focused, composed, independent and determined. I trust her decisions and what she says about mine really matters a lot to me.

I knew a certain Dr. Richard Sarino existed when I was a junior intern in DLSHSI and he was a 1st year OB resident. But, I never knew he’ll be part of my family 6 years later. When ate first brought him home, my first greeting to him was “Hi po Sir! Kumusta po?” and I went straight to our room because it felt awkward. We haven’t interacted at all before. But, like what I have told you earlier, I trust ate’s standards and decisions in all aspects of her life and I knew she had reasons why she loved Sir Chard. Then I got to know him better when he would drive from Cavite to Manila just to visit ate on a regular school day when we started residency training (for those who didn’t know, ate spent around 7 months in Manila for a different specialty before she transferred back to UMC for pathology). He’d wait until midnight to drive back to Cavite again because of traffic. He’d bring food or would cook food for us and would make sure even though they go out on dates, I wouldn’t feel left out. He’ll let me join them on my weekends off and as time passed by, Sir Chard became… Kuya Chard. Literally a week after passing my diplomate exam last year, he fetched me at home and helped me get my first gig as a pediatric junior consultant. I have learned more about his work ethics and his kindness to his patients when we started working together and I knew, these are some of the reasons why ate liked him. I was Kuya Chard’s secret keeper. He’d tell me all his plans when he wanted to surprise ate during their anniversaries or when he just felt like doing so. Although when he asked permission from me and told me about his plan to propose for marriage to ate, I remember telling him, “hala ewan ko, tanungin mo sila mommy.” But, I ended up helping him anyway and now we’re here. Kuya Chard is everyone’s breath of fresh air. You know he’s in the room because people are laughing and just having fun. He’s respectful, trustworthy and family oriented. I am grateful I earned another kuya whom I get advice from especially when its work or even relationship related.

Ate and Kuya Chard, continue to be one of God’s proof that true love exists and commitment is not something that our generation should be afraid of. Be each other’s comfort when your individual lives are struggling. Always pray for each other’s intentions so that your family will have a good foundation. Grow in love and continue to respect each other and your marriage will surely last a lifetime. I love you both so much. See you at your new home where I have my own room. 😊)) Congratulations!

PS: Yes, I cried. It took me 2 weeks to finish this script because I kept on crying before even finishing it. I still cried last night, 1 day after the wedding because I can’t believe my only sister whom I have been sharing my room with for more than 20 years won’t be obliged to sleep in “our” room anymore. But I’m happy she has found her one. Praying for a happy lifetime! (9/21/19)  

[jeninamarainbow]

Post#20: Mental health is so Physical too

I have been experiencing non stop headache since almost a week ago with occasional dizziness. At first I thought it was vertigo, dehydration, or maybe my eyes just needed to be checked by an ophthalmologist because it's been a year already since I had them checked. But, I feel like the headaches and prominent muscle pain all over my body are all related to sadness. I have never been this sad in my life.

First of all, my grandmother is now completely dependent on us-- she can walk with a cane but someone has to accompany her anywhere she'd like to go because she's weaker now. Her frustration aches me and my parents are not as supportive when it comes to making her feel comfortable. They are stressed out with the idea that she needs someone to assist her mostly now, and it's quite obvious that they don't want to be part of that. Secondly, I feel like I don't know my parents anymore. When we I was young, I used to adore them so much and I was always proud of their full support and hardwork to make our lives easier, but as time passes by, both of them become dominant and even arrogant. They demand a lot from other people and are not anymore content with life's simplicity. Thirdly, my siblings are leaving me. My older brother has been living alone since 2013 but would always visit us on weekends. However, since a year ago, he barely visits anymore. He'd always say he's busy with work and is not very fond of driving cause of the traffic-- I know for sure, he just doesn't want all the family drama that comes everytime he comes back home. My sister is also getting married a week from now, which means she would be living with her husband soon. I would be stuck at home, with my equally sad grandmother, ungrateful father and my mom who thinks that everyone's against her all the time. Lastly, my boyfriend seems to be doing bad as well. And one by one, the differences between him and I are now coming out. But who am I to stop him to do what he wants if he feels like it'll make him happy, right? What he decides to do as long as it's safe, regardless if it could affect me, is beyond my control. It's just sad to see that some of the things which made me fall in love with this person 6 years ago, are mostly the things he'd want to change. I always tell myself that everything now depends on God. If His plan is to bring me to a different path, then so be it. The process is just sad. Every night before I sleep, I wish I'd wake up and it's 2013 again. I don't know if this is regret that's talking, but maybe a lot of things would have been better if some of my major decisions few years ago have been made differently.

I don't even know if I'd be able to start fellowship next year because of this set up. I don't know if these people are even appreciating my life being set aside just cause I want everyone to do what they want to and just be happy. But I couldn't lie anymore. I am consumed. I am extremely broken. (9/11/19)