jennerrbaby

[jennerrbaby]

Wednesday, January 1st 2020

Wow. I can’t believe it’s already 2020. This is the year I turn 21... I feel like I was just in high school- it’s truly crazy. I wanted to reflect on the year 2019 because it was quite the year...

I started off the year in such a dilemma. I was suppose to be heading to Hawaii for an exchange semester and my great uncle was on the verge of passing away. I still remember it clearly- I was sleeping next to him and my mom was telling me it was time to go or else I won’t make it back home before dark and my flight was the next day. I remember my mom and sister having to drag me out of my great uncles room because I didn’t want to go because I knew it was going to be the last time i saw him- and I was right... I remember balling all the way home. I was debating of just missing my flight because I wanted to be there with him and my family. It really sucked. My mom was suppose to fly out with me to Hawaii but she needed to stay behind for my uncle so my dad booked his ticket last minute and came with me. While i was sad that my mom couldn’t come with me - i understood and I was grateful that my dad could come with me but I was just so distraught. My great uncle ended up passing the next day and I wasn’t able to go to his funeral or really have any closure so as the new year approaches and it marks a year since he has been gone it’s hard.. I miss him every day..

Besides my great uncles death, the first few months of 2019 were some of the best months of my life. I did a semester in Hawaii and it was truly a life changing experience. Hawaii is such an amazing place and I grew so much as a person. I remember I cried when my dad left because it was truly one of the first times that I was going to be alone. I met some of the most amazing people there- Kimmie, Gabe, Maya, Danielle, Ashley etc. My mom and my best friends came to visit me while I was there. It was the best time of my life and I grew so much as a person. I want to go back so so bad - I miss it so much honestly and really want to go back. I’m trying to convince my parents and so far it’s not working. I got to see the culture and go out of my comfort zone in so many different ways- it was really amazing. My classes weren’t overly hard and I enjoyed them for the most part. While my home was getting snow, I was living the dream and constantly going to the beach. While in Hawaii, I learned who I wanted to be as a person which unfortunately meant that I had to end some toxic relationships. It was hard at first but eventually I got over it and it was for the better!! I got interested in baseball and me and my roomies would go to almost all the home games. It was such a special memory. Ah if i reminisce too much I’ll get even more sad than I already am.

I got an internship for the summer of 2019 and it was quite the growing experience. I learned so much, met so many amazing people, and decided that I was happy with my major. I experienced hardships through my other job (paid) that led to me quitting a month early because I began to hate it so much. It was definitely an interesting summer to say the least.

I came back to my home university for my junior year and it started off rocky. I had to come back early for my sorority to participate in primary recruitment and I absolutely hated it. I almost dropped my sorority because it’s my least favorite time of year. I felt like we were judging people on the wrong things and it went against everything I stood for. I was eventually convinced to stay and I ended up doing so- though I’m not as involved anymore. This semester was one of my hardest semesters of my life. I was taking classes that were harder than ever before which made my stress and anxiety increase and  I got a new boss who I didn’t get along with which made everything worse (we get along for the most part now). I just felt like I didn’t really like who I was. I wasn’t being healthy and my body image issues were intensifying. I ended the semester with my worst GPA of my college career but it gave me the push to work even harder next semester. This semester was also my best friends last semester in college. To say I am sad is an understatement... I still can’t believe that she’s actually gone.. It’s so weird. She was one of the first people in college that actually made me feel welcomed and was one of my first friends so not being able to see her everyday is going to be so weird..... I’m just glad this semester is over though so I can have a fresh start next semester.

I did accomplish one very special goal this year that I thought would never happen- I finished a half marathon and ran the whole thing. 13.1 miles. I did it. I still can’t believe it honestly. It was such an amazing and thrilling experience. I trained for 5 and a half months and the night before race day I fell down the steps and stubbed my toe. It completely wrecked my toe and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to run. I remember crying to my mom the night before because she said that the probability of me running was slim and it was like everything was going down in the dumps.. I had worked so hard all summer for this day and the night before everything was going to be ruined. I wouldn’t let all my hard work go to waste so I told my mom to bandage it and I would run with an injured toe. So that’s what I did- I ran with a bandaged toe and it was fine for the most part. The whole experience was so amazing and I can’t wait to do it again next year. I wish my mom was able to come and watch but seeing my dad and grandma on the course cheering me on was such an amazing experience that made me feel so proud of myself and my body !!! 

This year was also a year I grew spiritually. It has definitely been a uphill battle that is for sure. This year I was at one of my lowest points spiritually but also at one of my highest points. I constantly feel like I have to work up to gain someones approval/love. I’m just starting to realize that that isn’t the case with God. That he loves me for me and I’m going to make mistakes and he knows that- that is what makes me human. He has brought so many people in my life and he has also gotten rid of people in my life which I am thankful for. I am so encouraged to follow Jesus fully and read/learn about the Word. I’m inspired by the grace that is given to me by God and I have realized that I can’t do it alone- no matter how many times I think I can, that just isn’t the case. I hope to be able to fully follow Jesus one day and to publicly express my love for him through baptism. GOD IS GOOD !!!

Wow. This has been such a long post but overall if I had to rate 2019 out of 10 I would give it an 8/10. While it was one of the hardest years of my life, it was also one of the best. I had the hardest semester of my college career as well as the best semester. As I go into the new year, I have some goals that I hope to accomplish. I want to run a half marathon again and maybe even a full one depending when I start training. I want to grow in my faith and path to following Jesus and want to learn more about Jesus and Christianity in general.  I hope to look at health in a new way- rather than focusing on being a certain weight, I want to focus on fueling my body in the best way possible (if that makes sense). I hope that this year and this new decade will be so amazing.

Goodbye 2019, Hello 2020.

-Lauren

[jennerrbaby]

September 19th 2019

Dang. It’s been quite a year and it’s not even over yet. This semester has been hella hard and it hasn’t even really started yet... lol... I just feel sad all the time. I’m not really sure why. It’s hard for me to go outside and hang with others on most days. It’s affecting my school work and that is starting to worry me... idk i’m a mess and I feel like im not good enough constantly... yay...

[jennerrbaby]

April 1st 2019

Ironic that I’m writing this on April fools haha

Feeling sad tonight. I feel like my best friend is replacing me with someone else. She has a new roommate this semester and they are super close and I don’t know why I’m so threatened by that??? Like it’s not like that for anyone else just her. I’m just sad. Like I feel like i’m missing out on everything while being away. I’m grateful for this experience but it just seems like life is continuing without me. It makes me wonder. Would anyone care if I just disappeared. I’m just in a weird mood :(

I dread going to bed at night because I’m constantly awake thinking about everything. For instance, I think about everything that is wrong with me.... I know I just need to focus on my studies but it’s hard when i’m sad :(

[jennerrbaby]

March 14th 2019

Why can’t I be good enough. Why do I have to overshare. Why do I have to have anxiety. Why Why Why. I just had a phone interview for an internship and it didn’t go so well. I always have to have something to nit pick about myself and I hate it. Why can’t I fake it till I make it. It sucks. I really wanted it too but I messed it up. It’s ok I guess I have to remember if it is meant to be than its meant to be.

Anxiety. It’s like a current running through your body that never stops. You question everything you do. you have self doubt. you always need reassurance.

[jennerrbaby]

Thursday, January 17th 2019

Happy 2019!!

I’m currently in Hawaii for a semester on exchange. It was going well until recently and now I just feel sort of down in the dumps. I miss all my friends at home. Although I have made friends here and it’s been great, it just has made me miss home more. It recently has gotten has gotten bad because I currently live with 3 suite mates and yesterday I was just sitting in my room and they all said bye and left together. They continued to post on social media about how they went to Dave and Busters and I was just sitting in the room by myself alone and it just sucked..... They are currently sitting in the other room hanging out while i’m just sitting in my room by myself. You may ask why cant I just walk in there and hang out with? I dont feel comfortable just walking in there cuz I feel like i’m just intruding. I usually like being by myself but it sucks just sitting by myself while everyone else is laughing. It sucks that my anxiety of what others think of me prevents me from making connections with people.... I know i’m overreacting but it still hurts to feel like I’m being left out. I miss AOII and everyone at my home university. I miss SALT and i miss C group and I miss my family and my dogs and just being at home...... I know it’s almost my time of month and I am bond to be super emotional but idk. I just feel like i’m a loner cuz i’m super shy and awkward at first which prevents me from making connections which is probably why I’m currently sitting in the room by myself. I miss my mom and dad-- I miss being in the presence of people where I don’t have to feel anxiety. I miss T, I miss AM, I miss being the three muskateers and having mini sleepovers during the week. I miss feeling confident in my abilities. I sit here writing this and im not going to lie- I hope my roommate does walk in and sees whats wrong to see the hurt i’m feeling. My mom is coming in a couple and Ill be happy to see her and escape the environment i’m currently in. BUT I know that once she leaves it’s going to hurt like hell. It’s going to take me long to recover especially since we are so close... I miss her so much. We talk everyday. Im not gonna lie-- I’ve considered cutting my exchange short so I can go back home but I know that I will ultimately regret my choices. I miss my sister and Belly and I miss the comforts of home..... I miss my dogs and I just want to cuddle them up in a ball. I HAVE to remember that Jesus is looking down on me and he knows that I am hurting and I can feel his presence telling me that everything happens for a reason and he will guide me through this. He will guide me through this journey and even though it may feel hard now-- this storm will not last forever. I say this although I have been in a multitude of different storms since November. These last couple of months have been super hard for me. My great uncle got sick and I went and I stayed with him in the hospital for several days and it took such a toll on my mom and just seeing her and him in pain hurt me and broke me. I almost lost Jesus during this time because I had been in a storm for so long and it just never was ending.. Then all of a sudden my grandpa got sick and THE DAY I WAS GOING TO SEE HIM he passes. I didnt even get to say goodbye... I cried and cried and I had to see my dad cry was super hard.... Then my great uncle died and dang I don’t think I’ve fully processed it until now. I was really close with my great uncle and it was just really hard because he died on the day I had to leave for Hawaii. I remember the last time I saw him because I didn’t want to leave him because I knew it would be the last time. I laid there with him and I cried to my mom that I didn’t want to leave him. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t get to go to his funeral-- I just had to sit in a foreign place while all of my family gets to be together during this hard time.... So these last couple of months have been really hard and I feel like I’ve been in a non stop storm and sometimes I feel trapped in this storm and I cant seem to get out whatever I do....

ANYWAYS, Hawaii has been good so far otherwise. I cried like a baby when my dad left. It was really hard for me. We aren’t even that close but just the aspect of being alone was scary to me. It truly is beautiful here. I am already counting down the days to go home though. Although I would love to visit here, I could never truly live here. It’s way too small and isolated for me.

Well catch you next time I have a mental break haha. Hopefully it’s not soon but honestly who knows if my roommates keep doing this to me.

[jennerrbaby]

It’s better to be your genuine self, and have fewer of the right kinds of people in your life, than it is to surround yourself with those who only accept you as long as you conform to their idea of who you should be.

Zero Dean (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I’ve tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am. So I’ve learned to enjoy myself, my family, and a few good friends.

Steven Aitchison (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

We’re afraid others will see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities. We’re afraid if others really knew us, they would reject us. We feel like fakes and frauds in a world that seems to have it all together.

Dave Earley (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

Friday, October 19th 2018

Long time no see blog.

Well considering I’m the only person who actually looks at this lol this is kind of for myself. I just wanted to reflect on how I have grown the last couple months and for the better. I started to get more involved in church and feeling the true connection with God and it has been amazing. My views on things in life have changed drastically and it honestly has shocked me. God can do amazing things and it’s something I wish that I would of known sooner. I have been surrounding myself with amazing people and it’s been great. I recently connected with some of my old high school friends and realized how different we are now. We have different priorities in life. I use to be like them and now I look and I almost feel bad for them. They are focusing on all the wrong things in life but I will not judge as I was once them. It’s crazy how much a person can change in just a short amount of time. Since I have started to follow God I have noticed some amazing things that have been happening. I haven’t been as depressed as I use to be. I also haven’t been obessing about my weight like I use to. Yes i will admit I still watch what I eat and work out almost every single day but I know that I am working towards my goal and that IT TAKES TIME. I actually feel good for once in my life. Yes I still struggle with anxiety but it’s something that I’m working on. I guess in church last night when Vance said something that really connected with me and made me want to dig deeper into who God really is. It sparked an energy in me that I’ve never felt before. It’s truly an amazing feeling.

ON THE OTHER HAND, it has made me come to some realizations. I don’t know if a sorority is the right place for me. Every day that goes by I get more disconnected from the idea of being in a sorority. I don’t know what changed but I just feel like I want to be there anymore. I love all my friends that I have made there I just don’t know if staying is worth it if I dread it?? I don’t know it’s something that I have been thinking about.

ALSO, school has gotten extremely harder for me. I don’t know if it’s the class load or what but It’s just been really hard. I got my first D yesterday and I have been stressing about it all day. I’m just not use to doing so bad in a class. I have to remember though that even if it seems hard now that If I put in the proper work then I know that I can accomplish the best grade that I can. God makes everything happen for a reason and even though it might be hard now that it will eventually get better in the end.

All in all, I’m happy and that’s all that matters :)

[jennerrbaby]

♡ follow @devin.nyc on instagram ♡

[jennerrbaby]

Thursday July 19th 2018

I figure I use this as a diary anyway so I might as well write about my struggles here haha.

In high school I use to run seven days a week. I was highly active and felt the best I have ever felt. I ran cross country and although I was having ankle pain I just ignored it and ran through the pain. This past fall the pain in my ankle was so severe that it was affecting my everyday walking and i was limbing even walking places. I decided to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. I ended up having to get an ankle arthoscopy and it set me back emmensly... It’s been hard transitioning to working out seven days a week to not being to work out at all.... i see all these people running outside and it makes me sad that I can’t do the same thing. My mom made a comment about my weight the other day and it really got to me. The last couple years I have been a size 12 but I recently have been going between size 12 and 14. My mom thought that I was a 16 and although that isn’t big it still is big to me. She said that I should order the next size up in a dress because I haven’t been working out lately. I WOULD IF I COULD. It’s been really hard to process that I can’t just wake up in the morning and go for a mile run..... I recently signed up for a another personal trainer because my first one at college didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I hope he can help me still be active and fit even though I can’t run like I would like. I need to stop drinking pop and start eating healthier but it’s just so hard to at work.. The food is so tempting because you can just grab whatever you want. For instance, at work today I had a chocolate bar and a shake and I still feel gulity about it even though it was like five hours ago.... I tried to make a comeback by eating grilled chicken for dinner but I had pop with it so it didn’t make much of a difference. I just hope I can lose weight and get in the shape I want to...

Thats all for now....

[jennerrbaby]

June 17th 2018

Sometimes I wonder why.....

Today is father’s day and I was looking through old photos to post on social media. I’m the youngest in my family and my parents divorced when I was 7 years old.... In addition, I was an accident so that doesn’t help... As I was looking for pictures of my father and I, i realized that there is only 2 photos that I could even find....One where I’m not even looking at the camera and one from when I was first born. That’s it. You know how sad that is. Meanwhile my two oldest siblings have tons of pictures with my parents. I feel like I was just left in the shadows because my parents were in such a tough place when I was born. It sometimes feels like that I was the only reason that there marriage was even being held together. I know I’m lucky because they still get along and everything but it’s still been hard for me...

I just want to thank god for my friend Laura. She has helped me so much this past year. She has helped me realize that God always has a plan for me and I shouldn’t fret on the past. It’s actually helped me through some tough times. I’m so grateful that she was brought into my life.

Also for my friend Reya. She has always been there for me and even though she’s in India for a month She has still made the effort to try to contact me and has always been there for me.

Mack P and T Bean are 2 people that were brought into my life this past year and I thank god everyday that I met these two wonderful people and I don’t know where I would be without them :)

[jennerrbaby]

Deep inside she knew who she was, and that person was smart, and kind, and often even funny. But somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.

Julia Quinn (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to life you are excited about. Don’t let others make you forget that.

EXTRAMADNESS.COM (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

You don’t know why you’re exhausted? You’re fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that’s not exhausting I don’t know what is.

HPLYRIKZ.COM (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jennerrbaby]

April 27th, 2018

It’s been a hard last couple days. No one asks me to hang out anymore and it makes me feel sad. I know i shouldn’t be too sensitive but I just feel so alone lately when everyone around me is hanging out. There are times I just want to cry and question my membership. IDK i guess i’m just annoyed that these 2 girls keep hanging out without me. Which I mean it’s ok but sometimes I would just liked to be asked you know... idk i just feel lonely