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Journal #28

July 13

I am a bit excited, but sad. I have been drawing a lot more lately, dad took me to Walmart the other day and I got a notebook, it’s really nice and I never had that kind before. It is really soft. We also saw Baby Driver, which was awesome! When me and dad were leaving the theater, we were driving behind a car and the back of the  trunk had red paint on it? It looked like dried blood, My dad made a joke about it, but it was just weird because the car was pure white. People are strange….

I had the weirdest dream too. I was, well, I don’t know where I was. But I was mad. And there was a person in front of me, I think I was mad at them. But I was writing down a poem. It went something like this:

“The doctor will be proven wrong

Ian Curtis will come back to life

And surprise them all.”

As my little obsession with Joy Division can grow, I thought this was weird...but, I thought about it a lot all day...I think I know what it means now…

Anyways, Big Brother is on soon. I am going to go watch it now, I’ll write again soon...It’s been a long week.

Love

J.D.

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Journal #27

July 1

I told Emily I didn’t want to be her friend no more. I was very understanding, how she and her friends made me feel bad about myself and how I don’t need to be around people like them. As egotistical as it sounds, it’s the truth, and being away from them makes me feel so much better. I did tell her that I was sorry for the awful things I did to her in the past, and she forgave me, as I forgave her for how she hurt me.

She didn’t get mad, instead she too was understanding. It made me so upset because we use to be close, but you can’t be friends with people who make you feel bad and there’s nothing wrong with that. She told me that she wishes me a good life.

So, two days later she decides to text Cortney about it, and Emily decides to play victim and say that she’s been hurt too. What? She told Cortney that she didn’t know what she did wrong, and that even if she was going through a bad time with self-esteem, that she wouldn’t have stopped being friends because it isn’t right.

I have no respect for Emily now, at first I thought that one day we would be friends again, but clearly it isn’t going to happen. She’s so self-centered, I can’t even explain. Cortney went off on her too, telling her how it’s isn’t about her and that she’ll never understand. 

Emily is really stupid...

Love

J.D.

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Journal #26

June 22

I am so happy. Twin Peaks is really awesome. Though, for some reason Dougie makes me really sad. I don’t think it’s because it’s Cooper without memory, it’s just something about him makes me really empty inside.

I hope my brother writes his screenplay one day. He is all around Rhiannon and it breaks my heart because he is my hero and he is the reason I love film. I’m so happy I am not in love. Love makes you do crazy things.

I keep thinking about school. I’m so worried about all the pressure. Not the school work, just the people. I keep telling myself I am strong and that I will stand up for myself, but I just fear I will run in circles again. I have improved a lot this summer, I just still have trouble making friends and talking to people. Everytime I talk to someone it just seems so...fake? I wish I could be myself without getting so mad at myself. No one is perfect, but it’s different when you don’t like yourself.

Love

J.D.

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Journal #25

June 20

Cortney called me that night, Cortney told me that she had lost her virginity to Tristan. I’m not surprised by that because how them two act with each other you’d think that they were meant to be. They didn’t use protection either, so if she’s pregnant, then it’ll ruin her life. She wants to travel and be an author, the author part is a possibility but traveling will be put off. Why are people so stupid?

This reminds me of the time when Robin and Emily lost their virginities...god, that was the dumbest part of my life. They acted so immature about it, talking about it constantly. Emily would talk about big penises all the time, hahaha. Good god... Don’t get me wrong I love talking about sex, but when it’s over-done then I lose my interest.

I hope Cortney really likes Tristan and isn’t doing it to make him “happy.” I don’t mean this in a sexual way, Tristan has always wanted to have sex with Cortney and he’s open about it. I hope she didn’t think she had to because he wanted too. She isn’t responsible for anyone’s happiness.

I hung up on her though. This all happened too fast. My head hurts now, I think I’m going to go lay down.

Love always and forever

J.D.

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Journal #24

June 12,

I did it. I finally did it.

I deleted almost all my contacts on my phone, and I deleted instagram, and I couldn’t be happier. It was making me so depressed, seeing everyone with their friends and being okay with themselves. I hate myself...I feel like Mark Renton at the end of Trainspotting, which really, that movie made me get the idea of leaving everyone and starting new. I hope one day I can do that for real.

Now I get more time to write my screenplay instead of worrying about pointless things.

love always and forever

J.D.

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Journal #23

June 1, 2017

 I got a haircut!! And it looks awesome!! It is STRAIGHT too! Which is something I could rarely ever do. But honestly, it looks amazing. It kinda looks like Nikki’s hair from Fargo, with a mix of Zooey Deschanel's bangs. My mom found a picture reference in a magazine, and I told Katie, the cosmetologist, to do my hair that way, and even she was excited to see it. I didn’t have to get it straighten or anything, but I did because I was not in the mood to do it myself. :P but I wish I could thank her again!

So my mom and I have been watching a show called Twin Peaks. A few years ago I watched the show and loved it, being a David Lynch fan n’ all. It reminded me of how I want to be a filmmaker of weird things like that. I have ideas, I just am either lazy or not sure where to begin. Dale Cooper is one of my favorite fictional characters, he’s smart and charming, but yet he is more realistic. For some reason, he makes me sad. I was watching the original Twin Peaks today and I felt like there was a grey cloud outside, or that could have been that because it was raining out.  I wonder why I do that, and he’s not the first fictional character I’ve done that with, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

I was a little scared these past few days, I am so worried my friend Brook is gonna stop being friends with me, but I know that’s foolish and it’s only me dwelling on the past and overthinking. I have to stop doing that. It’s all because Brook parties too much and she’s hanging out with this girl named Courtney Miller. My mom told me she’s a whore. I hope Brook doesn't become that. In a sense, I think she misses Rooty, and this is her way of getting over it. Either way, I won’t text her as much, I don’t want to be annoying and lose a good friend because of my worries.

I really love Cortney’s house, it’s small and very quiet, but not in creepy way. We didn’t say long though, we went on a walk to Tristan’s house. I don’t mind Tristan, but he makes fun of me all the time. Sure, I make fun of him, but only when he’s being a jerk. On the way, Cortney told me how Emily texts her sometimes. This kinda made me mad, because ever since the Robin thing, Emily has been ignoring me. She did comment on my post of my new hair cut, which was nice, but I know she’s only being fake. 

We went to Tristan’s house, his little brother told us that he couldn’t come out because he’s grounded, which Cortney already knew that. We left, and continued whatever we were talking about, and suddenly we hear Tristan yell for Cortney’s name. It was Tristan, and we spent the all day with him.

It was fun, honestly. I think me and Cortney saw Dacoda today too. He’s a very old friend of ours. He looked fatter, and he had a beard. He quit school in 8th grade because he had a kid, two actually, and I think he has gonorrhea, which is the last thing I heard. I miss him a lot, just the past in general. It reminds me of the ending to Regular Show, just thinking about where we will all be in 25 years. It’s scary stuff!

Cortney and Tristan are not allowed to see each other, but of course they do anyways, but when we were heading home, Tristan had to go another way so her mom wouldn’t see them together. When he left, Cortney told me that she’s worried he’s going to kill himself when she’s gone. He said he’s going in the military once, Tristan is a smart kid and it’d be a shame to waste it on something like that. I asked Cortney why, and she told it’s either because he wants to kill someone, or kill himself. She’s scared. I told her that she needs to tell someone who can actually help him, but she didn’t say anything. The sad truth is, you can’t help someone who’s hopeless. I’d tell someone, but I don’t know him like she does. I hope he’s okay.

 Love,

J.D.

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May 28th 2017

Yesterday, Cortney and I went to go see Everything, Everything. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t a good movie at all. The ending made me laugh because her mom was actually the bad guy. Haha. Me and Cortney laughed and gossiped, it was nice, it kinda made me sad because I’m gonna miss her when she leaves. She told me about how little Bre, her friend, took her shirt and bra off in front of her. Bre totally is bisexual and wants Cortney. Lucky gal.

 We saw Eric, he works at the Cinema, and I think he is cheating on Grace, a girl Cortney is friends with. We saw them get into the back of a car, and they came in while  me and Cortney played some games before we went into the movie. Eric hates me, he gets that fake pissed off look when I’m around. It is so stupid, honestly. If you don’t like me, then just be yourself and not give me a pissy look. Really that’s so stupid, I can’t even explain it.

 I also texted Amaya today, Rhiannan’s little sister. Robin hates her because her and Kevin use to be a thing. Brian told me that Amaya was gonna text me but she saw I was friends with Robin. I’m not now so I thought it’d be nice to make a new friend, and, well, turns out Amaya is not what I thought, she’s a drama whore. My mom told me not to tell her too much because she will start drama. Amaya told me Robin cheats on Kevin, and by god I know that’s not true. She talks about him like he’s a god. I need to stop running into these kinds of people.

 In other news, I had a great birthday! Since 1st grade, all of my birthdays have been kinda lame, but today was fun. My mom and I got my cake at Kroger’s and it was a cute My Little Pony cake with Rainbow Dash and Twilight on it - my two favorite ponies! And I also got a purple cute shirt, it looks soooo good on me! I also got a flower shirt and a white shirt with flowers in the words on it, which those match my flower pants. It was fantastic! I felt bad, because I ate more than I should have. I do that a lot, haha.

 My mom was upset with my brother because him and his girlfriend are ALWAYS hanging out at our house in his room, it’s like they live in there. He and his girlfriend eat our food too, like, all of it. My mom can’t afford to go out and buy it. I love my brother to death, but he needs to grow up and focus on what’s really important. He’s almost 21 and he’s not even trying to focus on a career or anything. He wants to make movies, like me, but he won’t write a script of nothing!

 Anyways, I hope this week’s fun. Cortney and I are suppose to hang out Wednesday. I’m trying to spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves.

 Love,

J.D.

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May 23, 2017

Today was my last day of Sophomore year, and I honestly couldn’t be happier. I have learned so much over this past year, to the point where I think I am actually going to be okay. Sure, I will get sad sometimes, but that doesn't mean I still can’t be happy. 

I have dropped four of my friends over the last two weeks, and I feel so much better. I feel stronger, because I didn’t think I had it in me to do it. Robin, Emily, Jason and Caleb were the ones I dropped, because they were bad for me, and they were making me a bad person. Robin hurt me a lot too, she doesn't like me because her boyfriend knows my brother’s girlfriend’s sisters, and Robin hates them because one use to flirt with him, and plus, they're prettier than Robin, and she hates them because of that too. She’s been mean to me since, and I’m beginning to think that’s why. I don’t want to talk about the rest though, as it is in the past and I am no longer in there. But I will say, it has made me strong, and I am really proud about that. I am not who I use to be.

My best friend, Cortney, is moving away in June, she’s moving to Indiana. It’ll be really far from where I’m at, but we plan on writing each other letters. My mom says that I probably won’t see her anymore because she nor my dad want to drive me up there. Luckily, we are going to hang out this weekend and see Everything, Everything. I’m gonna miss her, a lot. We have been friends for almost 10 years, and having someone close to you just leave really sucks. I think she is mad at me though, I stole a book from her I’ve been wanting to read. I think she knows I took it. 

My friend, Brook, graduated Sunday, and I spend that weekend with her at her house. I was really disappointed because her friends, Megan and Heaven, wanted to go party and she had to drive me home. Brook is like that, when if it was Megan or Heaven, they’d get me trashed.  I’ve met Heaven and Megan before, I like them a lot and I hope I get to see them more this summer.

 Brook has been really different since her ex, Rooty, and her broke up. I never really understood how she ended up with him, he lied to her, and he would always leach off of her for money. She could have done so much better, but now I think she’s just hurt because she knows the real Rooty now. It’s always different when you meet someone first then get to know them because they always turn out to be a real jerk. I learned that this year too.

 I really hope this summer is fun. I’ve met new friends, and I am close to Brook so we will probably hang out more. Dancing to Joy Division and forgetting what’s even important. Junior and Senior year I am really cracking down on my work though, see, throughout school I’ve been lazy and not really treating school the way I should, I need to start actually doing my work and studying so I can do good in life. I also would like to participate in school activities, such as the school plays. I also have been writing my screenplays, I finished another one this week. I hope one day I can be in the movies, acting and creating stories. Brook wants me to go to Art school, I’m not so sure, I mean, I also thought about making a kids book, I have a good idea and everything, but film is a passion, as well as art. Ugh, I just want to be famous. Haha.

Anyways, my birthday is coming up. May 28th. My new friends do not know when it is, so I’m not expecting them to wish me a happy birthday. :P But hopefully I can get some money to go shopping with Brook. Last time we hung out, I got these cute leggings that are black with flower prints on them. Only $3!

 Love,

J.D.

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Journal #20

It is 12:25 am on a school night, and I just feel like crying. This week has been awful, actually, this whole year has been awful. Chasing after a guy who sees nothing attractive about me, not trying in school, having friends who bully other students because they don’t like them, having acne really bad. I hate it! I wish I could restart my life, and do different things so I would be a different person I am now. There are so many things I would change. And it’s funny, because each day I have the opportunity to change something in my life, something big, but I never can take that opportunity because I always end up saying the wrong things, and end up making that opportunity worse.

I want to give up. I want to just, stop and lay down and cry because I know it is going to get worse and that I just need to stop lying to myself. I just need to accept the fact that I am always going to be this ugly girl and there’s nothing I can do about it. I am always told to, love yourself and people will love you back, but how can I love myself when I don’t like anything about myself? And they say the same about being positive, it never works it seems.

I have been having a headache all week. I have one right now as I write this. I feel like crap, really. All my friends think it is anxiety from testing, but I honestly don’t care about testing. I just am so sick of myself that I am so scared to actually say something. I despise my voice, I sound like a little boy.

They always just tell me to be confident when you speak, but I don’t even know how to feel good about anything. I hate everything I say. Especially when I joke, because I sound so serious that by now everyone should KNOW I am joking, but they are just so self-centered. No, I shouldn’t blame them. It is my fault for being so awful. It may sound funny when saying it, but it’s true. I have lost friends because of the things I say, friends that I really wanted in my life. Now, I have friends who are awful. They bully, they make fun of, they are fake. I don’t know why I hang out with them. I think it is because if I leave them I will feel alone, and I hate that feeling even though I am feeling it right now.

I want to be able to talk to people. I want to be able to make eye contact and not feel bad about it. I want to speak with a cute, pitched voice, a confident one. I want to be confident about all of my conversations. I want to stop joking, stop being MEAN. I want to compliment everyone and give good advice, I want to be able to tell someone how stupid their plans are to bully someone. I want to be able to raise my hand in class and answer a question without feeling nervous or bad. I want to be able to make friends and be nice, stop surrounding myself with people who like me, people who understand me. I want to be able to sit up straight, smile more without feeling ugly. I want to study on tests more, and do all of my homework. I want to be able to talk to teachers without feeling bad. I want to be like Pam and Jim from the Office and be silly and sarcastic. I want to stop reusing old jokes and stop talking about the past.  I want to stop whining about things I can’t fix, or things that I can fix just don’t know how.

But I must keep trying, I guess. I have been having strange dreams all week too. Dreams about the worse of things. Last night I had a dream Tyler touched me. I woke up and I remembering that none of that happened and I felt a sense of sadness above me. I don’t know what to do but keep on trying.

Let’s just hope that tomorrow (today) is good. I am suppose to watch a Clockwork Orange with Brooke and Rooty today. Let’s hope that plans don’t change.

Love always and forever

J.D.

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Journal #19

Change is more difficult than you think, even sitting up straight more is difficult. I have been trying to be more confident and more like an adult. I have been watching the office, and when it comes to personality, I want to be like Pam and Jim. I love how they act, and I honestly want to be like them. Personally, I feel like everyone’s mom that has to talk to them about their life problems. My goal is to stop helping without asking. So, when someone asks for help, I help them, but if they don’t, I don’t help. This does not apply to someone dropping a book in public, and me stopping to help them, that’s different. That’s being polite. But when it comes to personal issues, I am not going to help without them asking.

My mom also said I need to get new friends. She does not like how my friends treat me and honestly, she really is right. My friends never call me pretty like they do each other, and they always talk about who is the most prettiest person out of the group. Personally, I find that to be very low, and a bit rude. I also think that the more they think that one of us is prettier then them, it’ll lead to fights and an ending friendship. I really don’t know how to word that best, haha, but I hope you know what I mean.

I believe this summer, none of them will ask me to hang out with them. Except Brooke. I think they will all go out and have fun on their own time with each other and pretend I am nonexisting. If this does happen, I promise I will not be their friends next school year. Because there’s no excuse for that. I know their excuse will be “I didn’t think you could come” or “We thought your mom was sick” but honestly those are not even excuses because they did not ASK. This has happened before, hell I even made plans on halloween and Emily bailed on me. She ditched me.

Stop, I need to get over this. I need to make new friends, that’s the point I am trying to make. Friends who put you down and make you feel bad are not real friends. Friends who don’t know you are not real friends. I have never really had real friends. I think that is why I am so paranoid like this. Or, I just expect those bad things to happen like they do. I am really not good at making friends but hopefully next school year that can change. Or over the summer when I get my license. I will be living a private life and I plan on being a different and better person! I am tired of being this hopeless teenage girl with hopeless dreams. I wanna be better!

I feel like my problem is that I am friends with people who repeat themselves. I feel like everyday I am the same person, because I am the same situations. This needs to stop and go into another direction. I feel like all my hopes and dreams are going to everyone else but me. I can be better than this...I know things don’t have to be like this. I get a three day weekend. Today I got my Rosemary spayed, but tomorrow and Sunday I will be making things different. I shut my phone off, and I am coming back Monday a brand new person.

I also need to get over Tyler because there’s no way he’ll ever like me. Recently he’s been acting like he’s angry at the world. He don’t talk much anymore, and he told that Austin Black kid to shut up. I hope he is okay, because he is not being the person I use to like. He is no longer confident, or happy, or even nice. He’s been the opposite.

Wish me luck!

Love always and forever

j.d.

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Journal #18

The weirdest thing happened last week - Brook and Rooty got back together! I think I can believe in hope more now!

Things are going to change around here, and as much as I’ve said that before, I completely understand my own meaning of “change.” I have been really down lately, all weekend I just wanted to lay in bad and forget my own existence, but even I know I can’t do that. I was writing down everything wrong with my life, and I avoided writing down what I wanted, rather what I didn’t want. “I wish Tyler liked me” was not a very good choice - especially after yesterday but I will get to that soon - but I realized what was wrong with my life when I actually wrote down what was wrong. The people in my life.

In Law of Attraction, what we perceive in our lives is what creates our lives. An example of this is my friends, they always get into drama, so there is going to be drama in my life. Personally, I have always known I’ve needed new friends, I have just kept it to myself, and it is really hard to get rid of some people who you’ve grown to love. I have thought about the people I want to keep in my life, because I will have time to make need of more friends.

Cortney, and Brook & Rooty.

Jason and Caleb are only school friends, I’ll never see them after school. Tristian is like my Dwight from The Office, I’ll mess with him but we are not friends. He is Cortney’s friend - not mine.

I really wish I was closer with Brook and Rooty, they make me so happy. Those days I went out with them were rare, and I honestly felt so...alive. I didn’t talk much, but I am no longer that person. I am a better person.

I am so tired of my friends always making fun of people. Robin is a perfect example of this. I cannot bare to hurt anyone unless they have hurt me, and I always see her bully Autumn and it seriously annoys me. I get it, Autumn is bad, but just leave her alone. That’s literally it. I think it is dumb she put salt in her food that one time, and how she says “ew” everytime she sees her, when Autumn is listening. I ignore Autumn, but I am nice to her. The other day Autumn dropped her Animal Farm book, and no one picked it up, so I stopped and picked it up for her. She told me that she was just going to leave it there, I told her that I drop things all the time, so there is nothing to worry about. We laughed and I carried on. I am not one to leave her feeling like everyone hates her….because that feeling sucks.

Did I tell you about Austin Black? I think I did… If not, he is a really weird kid. I do not know if he has behavior problems, but he crawls on the ground, and always talks about death. He threaten to kill someone because they called him David. It was weird! Anyways, he is always staring at us. I am kinda scared he will try to kill us, personally, I don’t think WE are the only ones who laugh at his antics. Yes I won’t lie, I do laugh at him, but I don’t feel proud of it. He is just, weird. Once, he was laying on the ground, on his stomach, like a cheerleader would, and he was staring AT JASON, he was like in front of him too. I heard Austin is bisexual, so it makes the situation more the creepy.

I don’t really talk to Austin, I think he is weird and he is not someone I want to be friends with. He stares at me sometimes, and it creeps me out. I hope he don’t have a crush on me, or if he is thinking about murdering me, let’s hope he is just spacing out.

Anyways, I want to get away from all of that. Robin and Emily are awful for my life. Emily has been bothering me a lot lately too, she puts me down and it really hurts me. I hate how ignorant and naive she is, she is also a follower and she likes to copy me. I am flattered by her wanting to be like me, but I don’t like how she is being rude to me. She also wants to be famous now - only because I keep mentioning how I am going to be famous. I just want to make movies, being a celebrity is the “gist of it.”

So, let’s begin to change life.

Write more screenplays, every idea you get, write it down.

Draw more, you’ll get better at it.

Answer questions in class more.

Study for tests more.

Do homework.

Listen to more feel-good music.

Go one walks.

Become friends with people who are your type of people.

Don’t worry about love, it will come in time.

That’s most of my ideas, but I will get more as I go.

P.S. I also forgot to tell you this, but something is very wrong with Tyler.. I was very close to him as well, I looked in his eyes and noticed that something was wrong. It was that gut feeling I get about people.I have got one about him before when I made eye contact with him, but I assumed that was me being nervous... I need to stay away, but I probably won’t because I am stupid.

Love

J.D.

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Journal #17

I got contacts!! I am so happy right now, because for once in my life, I actually feel very beautiful, and feeling this way is one of the best feelings in the world. My green eyes can now be free! My glasses always covered my eyes, and made them much smaller than usual. Now that those things are off my face, I actually feel like a new person - like the person I want to be. I honestly am feeling great right now. I have even been writing the timeline for my screenplay, which it is almost finished! I have began writing the actual script for it, which is really exciting. I only have two pages done though. Haha.

I am really upset with my friend Emily right now, I really feel like she is jealous of me because she is showing all the signs that she is. I always heard Robin or Corntey complain about her copying them, but I never really noticed it. For example, Robin had her hair parted to one side, and Emily would give her compliments a lot, and now Emily is doing that. Robin then changed her hair in a bun, and now Emily does that. Emily even began to wear hoodies like she does. It is very weird. Well since January, I have been dragging myself everyday with the thought of getting contacts, I look and feel so much better. I would tell Emily about it all the time, and how I look so much better without glasses. She agrees, which I am not offended by, some people look good without glasses and some people look good with glasses. Well, on monday, Emily stopped wearing her glasses because she said she “lost them.” At first I thought that she was just being silly, and that she really did lose them because Emily is silly like that. But, she then tried to tell me that eyes “adjust” to where you don’t need glasses. I was so speechless by her logic, because if that were true, no one would have glasses. I realized she was copying me when she began to tell everyone she looked better without glasses, and she even repeated “gurl,” which is one of my words I use when I talk to my gal pals, and I find it odd, because Emily has never, ever used that word before.

She has also been leaving me out of things. The other day she took a group picture - leaving me out completely. I honestly feel hurt when she does these things because I thought Emily and I were best friends, and she really has not been acting like a best friend at all lately. I don’t care, and I shouldn’t care. I will soon have the life I want, and she will have the life she wants, and there is nothing wrong with that. If she wants to copy me, she can, I will be working on avoiding being that person anyways. I will be better.

Anyways, I have been taking medication for my acne. It’s more like an antibiotic, I think that is what you call it. I also have to put gel-like stuff on my face for my acne. The pill is suppose to boost my immune system and the gel-like stuff is suppose to rid of my acne. I don’t know the full understanding of it, but that’s what the doctor told me. Anyways, I have been having the most weirdest dreams. They can’t be from the pills, because those pills are not those kinds of pills. It started happening about 2 days after taking the pills. The dreams are like, dreams of what happened during the week or that day, just overly exaggerated. I am aware that my dreams are nonexistent too, which makes it weird. I will even say it in my dreams that none of it is real, and I will even tell people they are not real. Sometimes, when I realize it in my dreams, I feel a sense of relief.

I have been doing more art lately, I want to create a comic, or a story book one day. I love art and I would love to actually try something with it. Right now, I am painting a picture of Blacksad. I got a lot of inspiration from that comic for watercolor, so why not watercolor Blacksad?

I am feeling really good right now, I even got some new clothes. I can’t wait for school tomorrow. :)

Also, Brooke and Rooty broke up. This made me really sad because I loved hanging out with them. Rooty and Heaven apparently have a thing going on, but I am sure Heaven is just using Rooty. Brooke did warn me that she will sleep with your boyfriends. Brooke and I have also gotten close, which makes me really happy because she really is a good friend and I am happy to have a friend like her. I actually find it funny, because I have avoided being whiny and depressing around her, but the other day she told me something depressing about herself and she also told me that she wants to go away from her house. I guess when you don’t want to show your true colors, someone will show theirs. In a sense, we are all the same.

Brooke and I have been planning on watching A Clockwork Orange, but she seems to have to work a lot.

P.S. Personally, I don’t think Emily looks better without glasses. Her glasses made her eyes bigger, and much more clearer to see.

Love

J.D.

[jessicalovebug-blog]

[jessicalovebug-blog]

Journal #16

I am so sorry I have not written in a while...to be honest, I didn’t even want to write anymore. I have been feeling so good about myself, yet I have been feeling so awful about myself, so much that I don’t even know what to feel. As I grow older, I really can’t tell if I am getting better or worse, or it it’s a mix between both. I want to delete those journals I posted. All of them. I am such a fool to think that writing would make me feel better because it doesn't. It only makes it worse. Everytime I start writing a journal, it seems like my life gets worse, but deep down that’s just an excuse for me to give up on myself.

A few weeks ago, this girl from my school went off on me because I asked her why it was funny to his someone’s head on a locker. Oh, sorry, I mean “accidently” hitting their head on a locker. This girl went crazy and started to personally attack me and say I have done bad things, which I was so surprised she said that that I just went speechless. I always think about this moment, because when she got done preaching to me about how shitty of a person I am, everyone asked if I was okay, and asked if I needed a hug...this threw me over flames, I wanted to throw water at them. I didn’t even cry about her going off on me. I actually think it’s funny because it showed how insecure she is. But why on earth would people baby me? Treat me like my brother just died? That offended me, because do people really assume I am weak? They don’t know me at all.

This also got me thinking about how I didn’t stand up for myself. How I just sat there taking it all and feeling clueless. I really thought this girl was going to beat me up, so I was confused on what to do. I am not afraid of her. If she wanted to hit me, I would go for the hair and eyes. Most sensitive parts of a woman.

But my main point is: I want to change.

If there is anything I’ve learned about change, it’s that I need to stop this. Telling myself I am going to change, feel good and motivated, then when something bad happens, all hope is lost and I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of committing suicide. I am trying to fix that, but it’s not as easy. I have been reading a lot about Law of Attraction, and believe it or not I use to be a fond believer of it. I use to meditate a lot and give myself affirmations. Sadly, when freshman year came around that all changed, but Law of Attraction is the reason why I dated Will - simply because I believed in myself.

I know I can have that again. If I did once, I can again. I have been trying to change, it just isn’t easy. There is one problem of mine...I feel ugly. I hate the way I look. I look so gross, unattractive. I really don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to wear makeup, I am not a fan of that. I hate how my bangs part where you can see my forehead. It makes me look even more gross. My hair use to not do that, but for some reason it just began doing that.

It is so hard because I don’t know what to do. The way I look makes me so depressed, sometimes I don’t even want to go to school because of it. My mom is going to buy me a better straightener, which I couldn’t be thankful for. I love my mom so much.

I am just so tired of everyone thinking I am this weakling. All of this anger builds up and I am ready to just burst out into anger. I am stronger then what a lot of people think. Just some things make me feel weak. Why is it bad that I want to drink and smoke pot? Emily thinks I want to do it because I want to “be cool.” If anyone knows me, that really isn’t the reason why.

Well that’s going to change. Every part of me is going to change. My looks, my personality, low self-esteem, confidence, my hair, getting contacts for my eyes, my voice, my sadness, accomplishing goals, painting, drawing, laughing, being funny, dancing, good grades, getting A’s and B’s, acting, writing my screenplays, making better friends, partying, sex, dating, the cars, the jobs, the cirty streets and city lights, the laughs, the deep talks, the little talks, making money, making a story book, selling screenplays, being famous and forgetting who I use to be

I can be better than this. I need to stop acting so weak. I need to stop acting like I have it so hard. There are lots of people I need to get rid of too. I will deal with that last.

I can change. And I will change.

[jessicalovebug-blog]

Journal #15

I am just so hopeless on the world. I couldn’t get contacts because I can’t even touch my eye without blinking. I thought that if I got contacts that maybe I could feel good about myself but of course I can’t I can never feel good about myself even when I want too. I am just so sad I feel as if I am just the same depressed person from last year. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel, they would all just get mad at me and think I am crazy. My dad wanted to send me to a nut house because he thought I was crazy for crying all the time. Why are people just so mean? I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone who would listen and try to help me. I help people all the time and they never seem to both wanting to be real friends. Nothing sucks more than being alone. Yesterday when I was suppose to get contacts, that night I unfollowed lots of people from my school. I only follow close friends. People like Emily and Robin only want the views and the attention. I am just so happy I am not someone who wastes time wondering how many people like me. If there is anything I want it is to just feel good about myself. I hate who I am. It’s me, I am the reason my life sucks. I don’t even know why or how I do it but there is always something bad happening to me that breaks me down. I always get back up but that never lasts. I thought I was happy until something or someone reminded me I wasn't. Sometimes I just want to go away and never return. When I grow up, I want to get out of how Ohio and move to Philadelphia. They do lots of movies down there. This summer a movie is being filmed up in Ohio, I want to go and be a PA, but I don’t have a car. And even if I had one, I probably would know where to go. I would love to get contacts, new pretty clothes, and just make movies. I want to live in a big house and have lots of new friends. I am just so angry with the world right now because I was so confident in getting contacts, that I have a hard time touching my eye. God, I don’t know why I have to be like this. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I just want to go to another place for a very long time, and come back a new person. I want to start off new. I thought maybe having contacts I could do that, but I guess I just have to be stuck here in the same old life that I always lived in.Things would be so much better if I could just be the person I see myself as in my head, but for some reason I am just scared to be that person. I don’t know why. I don’t care about what people think of me. I don’t care if I lose people close to me. You always tell me to never be afraid. You always told me to stay positive, and to never give up on something I really want. I try, I promise you that, but I just want you to know that I am lying on the ground, and I just don’t want to get up. And for some reason, I feel that if I don’t get up, or if something does not make me get up, that I will just give up on everything.

My mom is taking me back saturday to try again, and she said it is okay because I did a good job on my contacts, I just need more practice. She believes in me.

If there is anything I have learned, it is that it is never too late to be the person I want to be. I guess the best thing I need to do right now is get up.  There is just so much on my mind, I can’t even explain it. Like the other day, Emily showed me one of her boyfriend's friends, his name is Jay, he is very cute and my type. I told Emily that, well she told her boyfriend and he told Jay. Jay texted Emily asking about me, she sent him a picture of me and everything. He texted me, which I didn’t mind...but for some reason, I just didn’t want to text him. I didn’t want to date him. I didn’t want to like him. And I don’t like him. I texted him yesterday, and he seemed really nice. But I just get those vibes that remind me of Will from him. Jay has a double thumb, which I am not surprised, because every guy who likes me their lives seem to suck. And I think that is why I don’t like Jay. His life sucks. I want someone who has a car, who is confident, attractive, charming, have beautiful hair, positive personality. Someone who can play a guitar. Things like that. That is the type of person I want. Jay is a nice kid, but he just is a loser. He does not attract me at all. Shy people are cute, but he was so shy he had someone else texting me for him. That was so embarrassing to say the least. I might talk to him, something tells me to talk to him, but I honestly don’t want too. I feel like shit if I do. I just get so mad and sad at the same time when it comes to lover, and I don’t even know why, I’m not sure if it’s because I can’t let go of my anger for Will, or what it is, but I am just so angry when it comes to love. This might just be a bad time to talk honestly. This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life, but also one of the best because I am learning that I can’t just give up on someone I really want. Something that will change my life for the better. Or it just might be a bad day because of the weather. I’m not so sure.

But I am sure that I won’t give up. You have to believe in me.

Love Always and forever

J.D.

[jessicalovebug-blog]

Journal #14

I know I haven’t written in a long time, and I’m sorry about that. Lately I have not been feeling so good, physically and Mentally. My stomach has been hurting and I have been feeling like I am a total screw up. I am so embarrassed of myself, that sometimes I don’t even want to talk to anyone and just sleep all day.

Lately I have been watching Malcolm and the Middle, well, more like binge watching it. But anyways, I kinda just figured this out, but Malcolm acts so much like me that I can’t even watch the show no more. He over thinks things, he sucks at dating, he’s that smart one out of the group, he is sometimes foolish because he only thinks about himself, he is sarcastic to the point where no one knows if he’s joking or not, he worried about what people think of him…ugh! What is going on with me? Weeks before this I was feeling so good about myself, but now I feel as if I am a loser.

Brooke has not really been around lately and I am beginning to think that this was just another moment in my life where I thought I belonged somewhere but then realized that it was just a waste of time. I don’t really think it was a waste, more like a disappointment. But I am actually okay with it because I know that I have real friend. Like Emily.

Lately I have been closer to Emily and more thankful to have a friend like her. I know she can be self-centered, but she has been trying to change because I told her that it was a bad thing to be self-centered. Plus she has a boyfriend, Devin, who really makes her happy. She is more mature then ever and I couldn’t be more happy for her. Last year she was best friends with Cherokee, and she was so self-centered to even realize what was going on around her. I am happy we are best friends.

I a actually really scared right now more then anything. I am getting contacts for my eyes on the Friday I come back to school. My life is getting ready to change and I am becoming the person I want to be. I know in my life I will make mistakes. I already have, but that’s okay because I know that its not ever the end. If there is anything I want to remind myself before I change, I want to tell my future self to never forget who they are. When people change they forget why they exist. It is really sad actually, because they could be something good, but they choose not too. I hope one day I can be famous and be in the movies. I a writing my screenplay right now, a new one. It is called “Finding Innocence.” I won’t tell you what its about because I want it to be a surprise. Since my laptop broke, I recently have been writing it more and more on paper. I have written 20 pages in 5 days. That’s a lot! I can’t wait!

I feel really good about myself the more I think about it, maybe I just needed to write this out to realize that everything is going to be okay. I honestly can’t wait to be a new person, because only then when I can forget my past and be someone new. That’s one thing I love about my new life already, everything before 2017 it gone and does not matter. And its actually true, ones past does not matter no matter what, because we can always overcome that and become someone new with new chances. Yeah, everything is coming out just fine, haha.

My friend Cortney wants to be a author when she grows up. She is moving away at the end of the school year, and I plan on giving her a journal before she leaves. A big journal, hardback too. I want to give it to her before she leaves because I am not sure if I will ever see her again and it is going to be really hard to let go because I have known her my whole life and letting someone go who has been in your life since you were young is really hard. I want her to write her stories in the journal, and I want her to remember me and our memories.

Wish me luck on my contacts!

And happy new year!! 2017, here we come!

[jessicalovebug-blog]

Hey everyone, important update

I hate to break it to you guys but my lap top broke last week. The screen broke actually, not sure why. I won't be writing as often as I use to because I'll be on my phone writing instead. Also, there has been some accounts that have animals in their usernames, as well as them writing their own personal journals. I am not sure if they are copying me or if they are real people, but either way they are NOT me!! I don't have the time of day to make accounts and make up stories in journals! Thank you and I hope you all understand.