jessvel-blog

[jessvel-blog]

I look at you

And I feel.

I don’t talk

I don’t think

I just feel.

No one’s around…

There are no eyes or sound

Just you and me and the foot and a half in between.

My insides are like a cave.

Deep. Sometimes dark but always comforting and mine

Thoughts enter like light

Instant and with direction

But my feelings…they echo like a clap

Once around the block before they arrive back.

But you…

When I look at you they’re instant

Like air that sweeps in.

Strong and constant.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

Someday you’ll understand.

When words fail me.

How I feel you in real time

Is the deepest love I can give.

[jessvel-blog]

Smoke.

I gave up cigarettes so I wouldn’t give into the feeling of unadulterated toxicity in my chest.  Yet here I am.  Nicotine free. But choosing to see the worst over the best. I knew the moment I threw that last carton away.... I was holding back.  The feeling of kissing you too long, I forget what it feels like to have my heart broken.  Can I give up the addiction of that elephant on my chest?  Can’t say people leave when I’m the one pushing them out.  You wrestle with intimacy and I struggle with my doubt.  Old friend and companion.  So hard to disinvite.  But looking at you the way I do....right before you close your eyes... I’m thinking.....that maybe....I just might. 

[jessvel-blog]

For One.

Foundation of the mountain.  Crumbled to dust.  Be strong for others that struggle to trust.  Be the wind in their sails.  The one that pushes them forward.  Champion them....but after that clock goes into the late hours.  One by one.  They disappear.  Rest their heads down.  Their aspirations and joys made clear.  ....and there you are....room barely lit.  Dating your loneliness.  It knows exactly where to sit. Table for one. 

[jessvel-blog]

Maybe.

Maybe if I unplug all the chords.

Go back, way before.

And plug it all back in.

I'll wake up ahead.

Alone in my bed.

The world not in chaos and pain.

The world would be just.

I'd feel like enough.

I could take off my mask.

I could have a hug.

But it's just as it is.

No touch, no kiss.

Just repeat till it gets easier at night.

So for now my brain will struggle and sway.

And try to reboot to start for the next day.

I wish I was the moon tonight.

[jessvel-blog]

Morning sounds.  Chirping birds.  The pitter patter of small feet coming down the stairs.  I remember a time when I would lie in bed.... Just waiting for you. Waiting for a cup of coffee.  A kiss. A gesture. But the ticket was never bought and you never showed.  Now my dreams are different. And I’m not the same.  Same sounds.  Different couch. Same pitter patter.  This time I get myself up.  Make them breakfast. Kiss their bao bun cheeks.  Their smiles are always happy to see me and I’m always enough. And I don’t miss your face. The apathetic sound you made in the form of “good morning”  It was never good.  Now everything is hard.  But everything is good.  And my coffee is perfect...with the right amount of cream. 

[jessvel-blog]

When I was small  just one day tall… society told me I should love pink.

Not the heart in my chest. Not the ethereal in my gut.  Not my ability to think.

Love Minnie. Be skinny. Be well behaved. Grow to be warm…

Soft…

Eventually the right man will cave. Grow the boys that will rule tomorrow. Pay attention to the girls but never let  them reach higher… They might chip or break a nail.

But the problem I see… I Was doomed from the start. I was birthed of a lineage of women with  calloused hands and strong hearts  who taught me to speak with intention and grace.

The earth imprinted my fathers features  all over my face.  So when the day came and I saw my own seeds. I’d tell them both you are both separate yet together… you are both trees.

[jessvel-blog]

Sauce.

It was a Thursday. 

I wanted pasta. 

I remember fighting off the dark cloud of your absence. 

You were physically gone.

I was physically exhausted. 

I went to open the marinara jar and couldn’t.

Instant panic. 

What if I could never get it open.

What if I couldn’t walk away. 

What if I had to chose. 

Between Ravioli and a life time of happiness? 

How could I stay? 

But how could I leave? 

Who would open my jars? 

Breath shortening. 

Lungs closing in. 

Heart racing.

A set of huge blue eyes attached to a perfectly round belly stared up at me. 

The champion rose. 

On the floor. 

Feet holding the jar.

Both hands on the lid.

And just before I gave up on an exodus.

I heard the most beautiful sound. 

Pop. 

In that moment I knew. 

I knew I was going to be ok. 

That night we ate dinner without you...

Pasta never tasted so strong.

[jessvel-blog]

I’m not sure where I go when the broken side takes over. The way the tide rises with the moon and falls back again. I could’ve sworn I fought this demon before. Didn’t I win? Or maybe the real victory is if I can walk on a broken foot. The way it heals in all the wrong places. The muscles surrounding it...needing to get strong differently every time.  I’m tired of feeling like a titan, all the while feeling so weak.  Where does the ether go when it needs to sleep? Sharp fangs in my brain.  A different version of me.  I wish I could pop the balloon that sits in my chest.  This season gives me no convalescence.  No rest. What is left?  Save myself I say when I’m alone in the mist.  No one should save you when your skull feels so sick.  Check that screen.  Refresh that page.  Maybe someone will check in on you today.  Music in my heart.  Notes in my ear.  Doesn’t take the clouds away but lifts the cement eggs out of their place.  Even if its for a moment.  So a little dust can clear. 1, 2, 3 breathe.  1,2 be. 1.  Want to be your own champion?  Sit in the fog and just be.  In the morning it’ll be gone...just maybe.

[jessvel-blog]

Tired.

Little fingers.   Awake and full of life and love.   Reaching for my chest.   Demanding my best.  I’m so tired.  A play.  A smile.  A book.  A snack.  I wish I could take my shoulders off.   I’m so tired.   Year one: A robin in a cage.   Year two: nightingale with no one to turn to.   I’m so tired.   Year three: take the best of me and make another.  Year four: the first bird is now a brother...and you still wont stay.  Year five: I’m not sure we’re going to survive.   I sing, whisper, scream at you and you never seem to see me.  I’m so tired.   Six: The final mortar to the mix...the swan song is played and I see you walk away for the final time.   Knife in my chest, you were never mine. I thought maybe if I changed a little...maybe if I was better this time?   Maybe if I had looked different, said the right thing?   And now here I am.   Feathers all matted.   Skin all fraile.  No longer blind, no more need for emotional braille.  I’m at the 11th hour.   Can I stay up past midnight for this?   For me?   A new me.   I’m so tired.   Stuck in a cage with a new game.  Birds go to bed and my shadows sing to me by name.   I’m so tired.   I want you gone.   Free to be here.  With the only person I need to be...me.   Instead you fight the roots that could push you up into a taller tree.   Grow till tall for yourself, for them...forget about me.   Wind in my wings I’m long gone...  But you can still mess things up....do them wrong.   Lioness starving to the bone.   Staying at attention for her cubs.   Protecting their home... but on nights like tonight when the rain is pouring down and I wish I could sing alone....I feel trapped in the cage I walked into willingly...and I can’t breathe... Marathon runner....I wish I could get some water. I’m.So.Tired.

[jessvel-blog]

Ctrl. alt. Delete.

I should’ve known.

How didn’t I see? 

The day I went back and deleted all the pictures with you in it. 

Every smile. 

Every fake moment. 

Orchestrated for our individual self preservation. 

Me....avoiding your absence.

You...avoiding my heart.

I realized.

Taking you out didn’t affect the memory.

I see now.

You can’t erase what was never there.

[jessvel-blog]

Heartbeat in my ears.  Not pounding “I love you” but “Get out of here”.

Stop dancing for someone who always looks away.  Hairs on my arms sticking up.  Not saying “He’s the one.” but “Open the door, and RUN.”  Stop singing for someone who doesn’t have ears.

Butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  Not flying to a peaceful place.  but warning me... “He will never be safe.” Stop painting for someone who doesn’t like color. 

Stirring in my sleep... Not missing him by my side. but my gut fighting for me even through the night. Stop giving your dreams to someone who will never wake up.

[jessvel-blog]

Wrap.

[jessvel-blog]

Toss.

Toss the net, see what you get.

Run to see if I need to catch my breathe.

I wish I wasn't fractured in the places I was dropped....

I'm slowly getting myself on the mend.

Pour water into me.

See if I can hold water again.

[jessvel-blog]

"Nothing here for me to fight for. "

Your words stung like a bee.

Turns out I'm the liar...

You never, ever said otherwise to me.

[jessvel-blog]

Just Leaf.

The night you left my bed I thought I wouldn't sleep.

Thought I'd toss and turn till the next day.

Feel like the sheets had turned to dead fall leaves under me.

Instead I opened up the beds inviting skin

Felt my heart exhale in.

And slept for a thousand years.

I awoke the next morning to find patches of my hair I thought were gone...were growing back again.

[jessvel-blog]

Don't lose the meaning of life

But don't insert meaning into too much.

Dream big.

Don't lose that spark.

But finding love will cost you your heart.

You're the one that got away.

In front of me now and I can't seem to stay

Hold my hand.

But don't hold too tight.

I'll make you work for a smile, I'll make you fight.

No more knocking on doors made of bronze instead of wood.

Into the forest I go.

Even in its uncertainty its safer still.

The trees will always turn my way and lean in.

Hold me when I stretch out my arms

Leaves shelter me from harm.

Sacrifice to become my bed

A warm place to rest my head.

Always have... always will.

[jessvel-blog]

Don’t look back....just run.