jestinmd

[jestinmd]

Nil

Someday, I will be loved and appreciated too.

For now… nil.

[jestinmd]

Maturity

I've come to the realization that being an adult often involves concealing one's emotions, internalizing problems, and presenting a composed exterior. This can be challenging, and it has negatively impacted my mental health in the past. I tried bottling up my emotions, which ultimately led to feelings of depression and hopelessness. Over time, I discovered that a key to happiness is maintaining a childlike heart—remaining hopeful, wishful, gentle, and caring toward others.

In the midst of these challenges, I have found solace in my faith. God has become my light, providing direction and hope as I navigate the complexities of adulthood. I believe that with His guidance, I can experience the true joy of life, sharing it with someone who is willing to be with me through its ups and downs. I long for the simplicity of a life where such carefree innocence is the norm, and I trust that God will lead me to a place of fulfillment and happiness.

[jestinmd]

Lover to loner

At this point, I am beginning to shift from a boy lover to a loner. Not alone; nor aloof, but more dependent on myself. I will no longer seek my needs from others. Focus on myself and not worry on whatever trial Im about to face.

From now on, everything is finished. I will no longer wish anybody’s company.

From now on, I am enough because I have Him in me.

[jestinmd]

Know your worth

“I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.”

I used to think that someday, I will be marrying someone I could consider as my ‘partner’ for life. By partner, what I mean is someone I will depend on tough times; someone who will provide comfort on hardships, and someone who will motivate me everyday to keep going, because this life is worth it. And in return, all the love that is poured on me will be shared til death do us part.

Not until today.

Recently, I realized that love is not about sharing your “hardships” to someone; being an open book to someone doesn’t really define the relationship that you have with your partner. Rather, it explains my maturity in life. We don’t have to share everything— ‘sobrang hirap’, ‘parang di ko kaya’, ‘parang walang katapusan’; uttering these words to your partner does not give them their sense of security. As a man, i have to man up. This doesn’t mean that I have to face my problems alone, but I have to send my problems to someone who can help me overcome it— give it all to the Lord. Whatever worries, whatever trials, whatever pain— there is nothing He can’t do. It is done when you gave it to Him. Don’t expect your partner to carry your heavy world for you. Afterall, she has her own battles. Be there for her. Man up for her.

And in the end, when you have this connection with God; you can be more ready to face everyday, without depending on anyone but God. By this time, I can be ready to to take my wife, hold her hand from that day forward, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love to cherish, til death do us part, according to God’s Holy Law.

[jestinmd]

Just a thought…

Siguro mas masaya kung mahal ka din ng taong mahal mo.

[jestinmd]

Infinite ways to show...

There are infinite ways to show how much I love you. "I love you!" It's such a romantic way to say it. But I have expressed this in many ways without saying a single phrase. Wishing every day that you will stay... and hopefully one day, you'll feel that I actually love you, so much-- more than I can ever show. "Good morning! / nyt nyt!" This routine message seemed usual for you, but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you. The morning I wake up, until before I sleep-- it's all you. "Gusto mo sunduin kita? Gusto mo hatid kita?" Someone who knows how to drive, of course, you'll say no! But I want you to be my passenger princess-- I'll drive you wherever, whenever. I want you beside me, and whatever we do, wherever we go, it's you right there that matters to me.

"Changed the bedsheets for you!" After a long duty day, knowing that you just wanted a 2-3 hour sleep after that heavy ward rounds. Hoping you can rest your feet and stretch your back with good fresh clean sheets. I hope you can think of me too whenever you feel comfortable or at peace. I hope that one day, peace will remind you of me too.

"Wait kita." It's strange that I am willing to do so, as someone impatient with no sense of delayed gratification. I want it instantly, I wanted things fast. But this time, regardless of how long, regardless of what you do-- may it take time, or may it take you forever to do. Yes, I'm called impatient; but dear, I'll wait for you even if this will take another lifetime-- Oh dear, I just want to be with you. I'll wait for you, even when the time comes that I might be waiting for nothing. It's the love for you that actually matters and I know that one day, I can be worthy of you, too.

"Kumain ka na ba? Anong gusto mong food?" "Tara coffee?" Tall, dark, and hot. I always wish I was, too; just because I want to be liked by you. I want to be there when you get to start up your day. Such a coffee lover, I know you love cinnamon in it too! The aroma of coffee shops perfectly compliments the smell of your hair-- fresh, breezy, and subtly sexy. Ahh, makes me remember that you feel 'sleepy' whenever you smell me, actually, it's your brain telling you to 'relax' and feel your peace. Thank you, pheromones and oxytocin. You know I feel that too. "I saw these flowers, and I thought of you!" You might get mad, but here I am, getting 'kilig' with the thought of you. I'll even bring it to your home. Yes-- I know that you will be teased.

"I love you!" Many times I have said it, but how many have you heard? How many have you actually felt? You always said that I'm not subtle, Yes I'm not but am I actually being loud? Or maybe I am not just clear enough? There are infinite ways to show how much I love you... I hope that you feel that I really, really do.

[jestinmd]

Hope

Do you hope for something when you pray? Do you pray for something when you hope? It's been 2 months since I started joining Victory church and so far, I am thankful for the spiritual guidance it brings me. I just hope to be part of a community where I can share my thoughts, even with just a person or a mentor that can teach me and help me strengthen my faith. I want to share another story about how I forget about some prayers that I used to pray --either because they are already fulfilled, or I got tired of waiting for them to unfold. ______________________________________________________________ I'm supposed to share stories by the time I'm writing this... I just got disorganized thoughts as I remembered my death wishes. I think I will continue writing because it still is about hopes and what-ifs that I think I should've done.

I wish I was loved more.

I wish I knew how to love myself.

I wish I was valued; my actions were not taken for granted.

I wish I have more friends; real, genuine ones.

I wish I can pray more often

I wish people knew how genuine my love is for them; I wish they knew how much I'm willing to give.

I wish I can easily tell my parents how much I love them

I wish I was not able to hurt anyone in this lifetime so bad that it would've scarred them.

I wish for my angel's company for the rest of my life, because I know that she is God-sent.

This was written at the start of this year, 2023. I really have thoughts about giving up on life already. I've been carrying my cross on my own, trusting my own strength, and not relying on anyone. I'm just thankful that I started praying again this year, believing in and mentioning His name empowers me that He is with me all along. Today, I'm just so grateful for this life and I wanted it to continue its chapters. I want to experience more and live on it, this time my life had its direction. I also want to share realizations on my wishes and how it remains a wish, a prayer and a hope. By the way, I no longer consider is a 'death wish'. I'm just happy carrying on with this life. I wih to explore and unfold what the future holds for me. Just a few realizations: 1. I am loved. Even on my darkest days, the Lord is there always, in all ways. 2. This is the start of my self-love era. I can love more if I love myself more. 3. Actually, some people appreciate me. I think it's time to be more forgiving of myself and accept the love around me, and that brings up number 4-- that I have friends; they're just around, waiting for me. 5. Thank you Lord that I am reminded of praying. Habit forming of prayers gave me inner peace in all my struggles. 7. Well, I still think that I can't express this one yet... 8. The Lord forgives, and He love us SO much. I need to forgive myself too. 9. I want my angel to be happy too, even if it doesn't mean for me to end up with her. I wish she gets all the good things in life, hopefully it will include me when the day comes that I am deserving of her.

[jestinmd]

Greatest love story of all

I used to think that my love is enough. So much hugs to give, kisses to express my feelings, touch to keep you company, time to share, gifts to give, and actions to be done just to show how much I love you. All these and yet I’m still… single. But now I realize that this is because my love was limited.

I’m just a human.

Heartbreaks after heartbreaks.

Am I unworthy to be loved?

But then again, I have to change to make a difference. Recently, I heard His whisper— and for some ways, He tried to tell me that something is needed in order for something to change.

For every broken pieces of my heart, I’ll pray to Him; offer every broken pieces in exchange of His; keep it this way every time — until I’m enough share His love again. Until my heart is mend with His love. Until I can share His pure love for us.

In the end, by His Grace, I still get to have the greatest love story, after all. 😌🍃

[jestinmd]

Feelings

Oh my, I just miss you a little bit more and more each day. I’m already avoiding my love languages— no hugs, nor kisses, not even holding of hands. No gift giving, no words of affirmation because you want me to lessen it at this point. I can barely give you a quality time because of our work. I just try to make more effort to give you acts of services, whatever way I can.

I feel like I can’t express my love well at this point. But you said it’s what you want. I want to respect your wants too. I hope you won’t forget about me. 😔

Damn, I miss you so much already.

[jestinmd]

Eternal

Of course, I want you to be happy too. I don’t expect anything in return. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life. I know that you don’t expect anything either, but you haven’t seen anything in me that would bring you your happiness. I hope I can work it out.

As humans, we can only give so much happiness. Earthly, temporary, and subjective. But I pray that I can be a reminder of how much God loves us. I pray that our relationship will be filled by the Holy Spirit so that it will remain guided by faith, and towards Jesus, the truth, the giver, and the manifestation of pure love.

For now, all I can say is that I lifted everything up to the Lord. Im on my way to my revelation. I will focus on Him, His Love and His Grace; I know that the earthly things are temporary; but His Love is eternal. I still think that heaven is just a state of being; that I will be able to reach heaven if I lift everything up to Him. And so Lord, whatever Your plans, I trust You. And whatever Your Will, may It be done.

Ohh, I think this is heaven.

[jestinmd]

Delineation

Recently, I had another 'transition point' in life. I just realized that I want to be good at what I do, I want to be deserving of the people I want, and I want to live the best out of my life. So far, I have identified the things I need to improve. It's just a matter of action-- the most challenging part; then I can start again. 1. I want to lose weight Not just to get more attractive; I want to live long. I actually have plans for the future (finally). I finally am looking forward to it. I want to work out, wake up without bone pains, make rounds without joint pains, and get SOB after runs from one ward to another. I want my body to be respected, this is the temple of my soul after all. If I want to show love for something else so dearly, I want to present myself as something that has been loved, and is constantly being loved-- this way, I can prove that I can love. 2. I want to regain my confidence Grabe, HS and college Jes had so much confidence in himself. Imagine people going gaga because you're from a non-creme section beating every school representative of the NMAT quiz bee. I already experience being nobody to somebody. I got so much recognition, especially on a subject I want, and not to brag I excel at it so much that I'm confident that I can teach it better than some of my teachers! I even conducted tutorials on my batchmates! Also, college jes would teach all calculations in pharmacy, and heck, I'm so good with science too for I understand the core subject, pharmacology! My mind was not clouded, I can think clearly, and I can picture book pages in my head! I wish I was that good again. Although I think I have a good clinical eye in the present, I wish my confidence would not suck up the way it did back in med school. 3. I want to find my faith again The Lord is my strength and my ultimate rock. He never leaves me, He hears me. I know I can always talk to God. I wish to show Him that this life He gave made me trust Him and believe on whatever path He leads me. I've been through so much. But I always know that He loves me.

[jestinmd]

Colors

I usually use colors to describe how my day is. Golden - this is for the great days. The times I want to be alive; times that I am thankful that I'm still alive. I like to replay golden days. These are extremes of happiness -- not really a core memory, but significant enough to make me want how life is going. I am thankful for these days.

Yellow - these are for my happy moments. The good days. Sometimes this is more of a vibe than an actual emotion. I feel like I'm yellow, then suddenly the universe will color my world yellow. I like it because people actually compliment me on my good mood.

Blue - Whenever I feel blue, I feel sad. I feel like everyone is against me. I feel like the world hated me for this mood. I don't like it but I have to get through life with a little bit of blues; it makes my yellow days more fun and my golden days shinier.

Black - I don't want to explain this. I have no feelings for this color, literally. Flat affect. It's close to self-destruction. I want to explain myself more than just colors. I want to express myself more with words, and actions. I want to share my colors with others as well.

[jestinmd]

Be Kind; always and regardless.

"How much kindness can someone actually give?"

Whenever I ask myself, is this really kindness that I'm offering? Or is this just pressure; that I may be afraid of being left behind. Without it, I can't think of other good stuff left in me. No talent, not smart, not enough skills to bring me to that 'elite' zone I ever wanted. I always think I have something to offer --i can be there for everyone; willing to be available for someone in need; or just to be abused by whoever wants to take over my very own personality. But I always look forward to the great things after it. The outcomes it can give, and the joy of making others happy; regardless on how difficult the tasks may be on my part. I just wish to be kind so that I can spread happiness; and by doing so I assume that people would be kind as well -- making my logic less likely to be a reality.

Regardless, I want kindness. I wish everyone can be kind. I wish I am kind enough to be appreciated. And loved.

[jestinmd]

Angels around us

Apparently I'm not a writer. And nope, I'm not super creative either. I'm just here to start writing my thoughts, and hopefully to organize it. I wish I can be consistent so I can express myself even more.

Actually, It is my frustration to be an artist. Lagi ko sinasabi, I wanted to be like erwan. Not only on looks(hehe am a fan), but on talent and content. I want to be adept in sharing my ideas, in a way erwan films and cooks. I used to grow up thinking, 'wala akong talent'. I go to school, do the required activities, then skip all the extra curricular and guess what I traded them for-- kill time. Computer games, watching and internally judging strangers as they walk by my sight, and food tripping. These killed the curiosity to be an artist, or even to become sporty, or nerdy! End of the day, 27 years later, this is me. Sakto lang. Nothing special. Living day to day, with so much drama and struggles; no 'magic' or 'sparkles' other than a degree which 'everyone' has.

So what's the point of this story (Haha akalain mo nga naman, blogger na 'ko just because meron akong 1 article)? Well, just want to share na I met another angel lately. I think God wants me to relight my candle. Or may be gusto lang nya mas maging organize ang thought process ko. But anyway, I'm just happy I got another angel. This time, ang goal is self-acceptance, self-healing and self-love. And kung ano man ang purpose ng new angel ko, I will make sure that the angel is loved and protected. Like how much God loves me; na kahit na all these time akala ko suffering na lang deserve ko, in a way nagpadala pa din sya ng someone to make me realize that this life is worth living. Na its not an option to reset or restart. To enjoy life as it is. Actually, I'm going through a rough time now. Pero mas iniisip ko na everyday we can restart; I don't have to end life to restart life. Sana this would stick to me. Kasi gusto ko pa ng baby boy. At gusto ko pa ng wedding with 1000 guests. But for now, sarili lang muna.

Enough with my intro. I think napakilala ko properly sarili ko dito in a nutshell. ☺️ See you in my next blog!