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[jilliancabalhug9]

Shattered Bonds: A Memoir of Introvert's Failed Love

 

There is a gentler tune in the symphony of life, a song known only to those who take comfort in the quiet murmurs of their own minds. This is where my story starts, it's a memoir written in whispers instead of yells, in delicate lines instead of strong ones. Welcome to my journey, where the path ahead is guided by a soft rhythm of reflection and where being alone is not a hardship but a haven. Come along with me as I untangle the many strands of thought, feeling, and experience that combine to make up my identity as a proud introvert who appreciates the beauty of silence in a world that doesn't often stop to listen. Be with me as I share the various phases of my life.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I weren't like this, an introvert. I really don't know if I was born lonely or if I just kept my walls high so that anyone couldn't attempt to get closer. I think that is one of the reasons why I love isolating myself. Somehow, I wonder what it feels like to be an extrovert to be a person who can show themselves in a lot of people or crowded ones.

Back then, I really didn't mind what was happening around me because I was immune by the feeling of being unseen, unheard,and unappreciated. I always felt invalidated, and i think it is which made me an introvert. Some people view having strict parents as a blessing, but given my circumstances, I wouldn't want that. It's difficult when you want to explore and make your own decisions but encounter resistance all the time. I feel as though I'm missing out on opportunities and experiences that other people get to enjoy. A lot of things that I am not allowed to do, have prevented me from experiencing to enjoy life. Theres always an eye everywhere and whatever I do, they will always look for wrong so they can say something to criticize me. Even though I did many good things, they will always point out and draw more attention to my mistakes. Keep repeating it until it nurtures me.

I don't know if I was so jealous or if I just want to be treated like how my father gentle with my sister and how patient my mother is when it comes to my brothers. I didn't get the special treatment and i wonder why. Thinking about my childhood days, I pity myself for also wanting to win in my parents eyes. But I keep disappointing them with my actions, and that makes me hated myself that I can't make them proud. Since I was in elementary school, I have received a lot of awards that show proof of doing my best in academics. Instead of getting compliments, I just end up getting compared. Disappointing them makes me disappointed in myself too, and it also lower my self-esteem. They expect and want more and I can't even reach them. So when I was in sixth grade, I started to lose the motivation to try too much. I became lazy attending my class and irresponsible daughter and student. If something unfortunate occurs, I constantly remind myself that time will pass and the circumstances will be forgotten. I grow with this mindset since I am alone and cannot rely on anyone.

But last year, I realized that I should not waste my time in this short life and that I must step out of my comfort zone. Because there was one person who changed my perspective on life. He deserves to be shared in my story. The story of how he makes me feel at peace and genuinely happy. He makes me realize how beautiful the life is. I realized that the walls I build that I think will protect me are the only ones that will suffocate me to loneliness and sadness. I did love him so mucha and too much, to the point I depend my happiness into him. My source of strength in times of weakness. He helped me realized that there something more to life than laying on my bed and doing nothing.

I enjoyed peaceful walks beneath the sky with him, not needing many words. His embrace made me feel understood and accepted, showing me the strength in being vulnerable. But life is full of plot twists. We started off full of hope, but we got lost somewhere along the way. We were exhausted by the stresses of life and were unable to defend the relationship we had. When I think back, I recall our relationship falling apart daily. Despite our best efforts, some of the pain remained unbearable. We ultimately became further apart from one another even with our finest effort to rebuild.

I write these thoughts with a heavy heart, mourning what we lost. I feel comforted by the presence of my loved ones and that means being with him. I have no choice but to teach myself to live with the absence of those I miss, even as I mourn them. They will always be with me because of their memories, which sustain their love. Even though it hurt, I'm glad for the love we shared, and I treasure the time we spent together.

Now I'm back to being alone and not allowing anyone to enter my life again. It scared me and gave me a lot of what-ifs. I really don't want to depend on anyone again for my happiness. I had always questioned why I felt drained by social interaction and why I liked to be alone. Everything made sense to me after what happened that I was better alone with myself because no one is brave enough to stay. I came to understand that taking time for myself to unwind and appreciate the quiet is okay. I was able to manage the world with confidence after accepting my introverted nature and my destiny, which gave me strength. I accept everything that happened in my life today, but I wish it wasn't like this.

I will continue moving with hope and determination, understanding that every step gets me closer to my goals.