jjjarv

[jjjarv]

well, i have to aknowledge that it was a such a great feat to establish a routine to never smoke again... for at least 120 days... but now has time has pass and i have been smoking non stop, and i cant get a grip to get over it. I dont know how i managed before but i have to do it again, my body cannot handle this much and my mental state is pretty much fucked up

[jjjarv]

just forget it . forget it about it for as long as you can

[jjjarv]

Its time to treat this seriously... again;

[jjjarv]

I got to the mark of 90 days, but relapsed some weeks after, started smoking again and felt even worse, felt worse after quitting, felt boredom after restarting smoking. I may be borderline. I have no control of my emotions, i have no control of my addictions of nicotine, of pornography, of masturbation, but maybe someday

[jjjarv]

about wanting to kill one self,

there was a time when i would cry for days, weeks, when anything didnt seemed possible, i was a teenager, failling school, failling life never starting a job career, and then i started dating. and then i continued to cry, i continued to count on someone else to ease my struggles, and my struggles have always been of dependence on someone else, and then we broke up, and my problems where silent, i still didnt like the degree i was studying in university. i still didnt fully commit to a job, i never had a job, do you know how embarassing that is? but my problems where silent, i didnt tell anyone about the things i was experiencing, how i hate when my father drinks and his voice and the way that he talks to my mother, and the way that my mother responds like a coward, but then, i remember the promises i made to her that i would set her free by freeing myself first, and then she wouldnt have to deal with him, and all this happened only for me to realize, that she was part of the problem too, she never had any control of herself, she was always a shadow of his intentions and anything he wanted, but now, too much time has passed, i was a teenager, a failed one, by my parents, by everyone, and now i am a 26 year old adult, uncertain of the degree i am finishing (i dont know if that is the proper way to write it, is it degree or something else?) , never had a job, the world sucks, truly, there are people who would truly want to make you kill yourself, i cannot properly engage in social interactions with anyone, i cannot engage with intimacy anyone,man, woman, beautiful, ugly, no one, i cant, because i drowned in p-rn-graphy, i cant mantain a erection without stimulating myself all the time, i feel stupid, i feel dumb, i am not interesting, i dont read, i am skinny, my teeths are yellow, i´ve been 10 years with braces only to take them out and see that nothing changed at all, they are worse, my teeth could fall because of the longtime exposure.

I guess, that i am only wnating for something different to happen and to save myself

[jjjarv]

I hit the mark of 70 days without smoking, that is the longest i ever been since i started when i was a teenager, i have been taking it for granted, since i actually dont like to think about it too much, it makes me feel like i am dealing much better if i dont celebrate everytime time passes by, since if i do that, i cannot be overwhelmed of falling again, but i am in hopes of hitting the 90 days mark, is the time promised by many scientists that suggests that our neurons overwrite any acquired behaviour and set a new standard one, for instance, that is the day most addictions are set to die. But whenever i think about what i am acquiring, which is the so long wanted pure respiratory bliss, and , to be very honest... the end of embarassing things that had have happening to me since i first started my sexual life. To be fully honest really, i didnt want to commit fully in this diary, because i am seriously thinking of killing myself, and i dont think anyone should read my struggles with my sexual life,

[jjjarv]

21 days without smoking, 3 weeks of 12.

[jjjarv]

sobriety > i want to turn into you

[jjjarv]

Crystal castles kept video on vimeo finally got deleted :(