johnfair

[johnfair]

Sad flannel man. Back to where it started.

Tucked in and buttoned up, trying to fit in where he's never felt wanted. Needed but expendable. A substitute, the lacking replacement.

[johnfair]

Eddie could still hear his mother saying, "don't drag him down with you," played on repeat, music on sleepless nights, staccato in his nightmares, an insidious whisper in the day.

And he could ignore it, most days. But it was there, present, clinging poison. And it was his mother saying that to him. Can you imagine, your own parent thinking you're such a hopeless case, that failure was intrinsic to your bones that she'd rather save what could be saved, and let him drown.

Eddie couldn't really fault her for it. He tried so hard to live for Christopher, through war and blood and sand, through his own demons, through being buried alive, being shot in broad daylight. It wasn't a question that he'd die for him too.

Chris was worth that. Worth everything. That was his son, his baby. On the best and worst days, the only good thing that came from him.

But still, there was the son in him too, the child that he never had the chance to be, that wondered if his parents ever felt that way for him, and questioned whatever the hell was wrong with him that they didn't.

[johnfair]

Don't let go. Please stay.

[johnfair]

There's something real debauched about Buck and Eddie in this picture and I am here for it.

Starting 2025 Right.

Also, yay. Buddie is #1 on AO3 ships for 2024.

Happy New Year everyone!

[johnfair]

The inevitable, regrettable loss of Eddie's mustache got me thinking how Chris is 14, and who's gonna teach him how to shave?

Is Ramon gonna do it?

Is it gonna be that thing where Eddie figured everything out for himself? This lanky, awkward Eddie Diaz who's man of the house and had to half-raise himself, with nobody to teach him how to fucking shave except from cliches he saw on TV?

Buying cheap razors from the stores and using soap and water, because as long as it's foamy right? Dealing with nicks and cuts on his face, trial and error. Practice makes perfect, Eddie. You got this.

Is it gonna be another thing where Ramon and Helena have their do over son in Chris, and Eddie's left to pick up the bruised, bloody thing behind his ribs because he'd learn pretty fucking early that no one was gonna do it but himself?

You got this Eddie Diaz. (You have to.)

[johnfair]

Christopher being Eddie's son.

Stoic avoidance. The not talking about it. The fronting because he's okay and everything's fine.

Also the running away, can't forget that. He got that from Shannon and Eddie.

Unfortunately got Buck's nuclear option, everything collateral when he's hurting.

It is love and hurt and betrayal and the still bleeding edges of grief.

[johnfair]

Put his canine teeth in the side of my neck~

[johnfair]

Sometimes I wonder why Taylor Kelly decided to go all in trying a relationship with Buck in the first place.

She was career-oriented, extremely driven, and passionate about her work.

Buck's pretty and jacked, and probably good at sex. But she could get a hookup crooking her finger at an intersection L.A. and have men, and women too, honestly, lining up for a chance.

And then I remember that Buck sued the entire LAFD to get his job back, and Taylor probably thought, huh. This one gets it. This one has that passion and drive for their career that meant going to pretty extreme lengths to get the job done.

And Buck was kind. He was kind, and that meant she could afford to be vulnerable. Give this commitment and relationship a try. And a partner who got it sounded novel. Novel and good.

Then it all crashed and burned anyway. They were fundamentally different, and the parts that made her take a risk on him were parts that Buck didn't like about himself.

And she's not even getting into the whole EddieandChris of it all.

[johnfair]

Eddie Diaz. The mustache. And Whatta Man. That is all.

[johnfair]

That deleted scene though!

With Eddie and Chris talking about first loves and such. It was beautiful and poignant and a real moment where Chris gets to learn about his dad, and Eddie gets to talk about Shannon when it was good and tinted rose gold of a new love.

It adds so much context.

With Kim and the boat and them being away from their friends? Just listening to her talk. Looking at her because he can't take his eyes away from her.

He's trapped in the past and conflating Shannon with Kim, and him recreating that memory was a warning sign and a cry for help. Jfc, his grief and guilt made manifest in what he thought as a second chance.

The universe fucking screaming.

And he knew. Eddie knew it was red flags and a mistake with that talk with Buck. Him saying he was worried about himself too.

The thing was though, he stopped. He put the breaks as soon as he could. It was unworthy for the love and memory of Shannon, and a disservice to Kim too.

But Kim came back and Eddie talked with the specter of his wife and Chris left.

And Eddie, jfc. As if he wasn't already having a running battle with all guilt he felt for dragging Chris down with him and Shannon leaving and not being enough for her and dying and feeling broken and breaking everything he loves...

His fears of his parents taking away Chris becomes reality.

[johnfair]

The mustache...

It's been barely 24 hours. I am a changed man.

Also Buck likes it for some reason he couldn't really put a name to. And he goes on a research binge, and finds out that there's a historical reason why firefighters have mustaches in their early incarnation as civil servants.

Could happen really. Buck and hyper fixation and research binges. And staring at Eddie a normal (no, really) amount.

[johnfair]

Been playing All 2 U from Helluva Boss on repeat for the past couple of days. And just.

It's Eddie Diaz at his most dramatic, right at the aftermath of the graveyard scene. And we had the Poker Date right before that.

The song fits in an over the top, telenovela heartbreak vibe.

[johnfair]

Happy father's day.

[johnfair]

very rough 911xBtVS crossover outline

911 x BtVS

*Maddie, the current Slayer, doesn't really like this, the strength she could barely control, the hunt and bloodlust under her skin. she wanted to be a nurse, but the violence she dealt, the blood and horror made it so she didn't feel like she could. *favors bows and arrows, has sharper senses than previous Slayers. hunted down vampires and other demons that preyed on others at extremely long ranges.

*Buck, Watcher-in-training, doesn't really like that it was his sister against all the demonic evils in the world. Forced Bobby, his sister's Watcher, into training him with her, so he could help. *physically fit, has the strength and the resilience for field work, a moderate talent for the offensive and black magics, and the instincts could be trained into him. But would rather research and use magic to heal and protect places and people. Bobby clocked it, and encouraged Buck into the lore and history of the paranormal.

*Bobby, Watcher, Maddie's Watcher. Cynical, the job forcing him to confront the ways of the Council, the politics and counterworking when it was their job to save people, help the Slayer. *his daughter, Brooke was a potential, and was called at thirteen. she died, sacrificing herself against a fire demon, who Bobby had banished twenty years ago, summoned to recreate the London bridge fire. his whole family had been a target, and he lost them because the Council failed to send in backup (learned that later, thus starting his whole thing with distrust against the Council)

*Athena, human, a Potential. Didn't like that girls were called, lives ruined before they truly begun. Knows that May, her daughter is also a Potential, and works to make a world that didn't need the Slayer, knowing that it was futile. *works as a cop in the know, spearheading a task force that handled supernatural crimes and incidents, to make it so people didn't stumble into the dark unaware and ignorant, and protect and support those who fought the tides of evil anyway.

(have this thought of Maddie's heart stopping, protecting Buck against a warlock just throwing around lightning, failed anyway. they were both clinically dead. but there's Eddie performing this ritual, using his heart to force theirs to beat. and then Athena having a dream of Sineya, and accepting the burden of being the Slayer, knowing that it was May that was supposed to be Called.)

*Eddie, human, but with a long, storied bloodline of human hunters. there is a mystical weight to that, with witches and sorcerers and others adding into that bloodline. Dated back to when the Old Ones walked the earth, unremarkable at first, with their bloodline almost being wiped out at some points in history, but resurging stronger than the previous generations. *Eddie, one of the latest scions of the blood, is as strong as the Slayer, with reflexes, strength, resilience, and the healing factor to match. *parents fled the supernatural, Ramon decrying everything he's been taught and learned. didn't like that his son was as deeply enmeshed in it in the first place, literally born into all of it. *Eddie currently lives with his abuela, Isabel, a powerful witch in her own right. learning everything that he should have learned a long time ago.

*Chris, half-demon, Eddie's baby. Has CP. has the potential to be a very powerful sorcerer, with Eddie's bloodline, and his mother, Shannon's demonic heritage. very adorable, bitey, and makes these rainbow colored butterflies made of magic to appear when he's very happy, or excited, or with people he likes.

*Chim, vampire, turned twenty years ago. Has his human soul, bartered and fought for, from the Magician. the two halves of his new being sometimes clashed, often making him caustic and cruel.

*Doug, Maddie's boyfriend, turned into a vampire. made cruel by his vampirism, Maddie's first kill, protecting Buck who Doug bit, playing with his food, taunting Buck and Maddie, right before she was Called.

**i have this scene in my head where Eddie is taking a midnight stroll with Chris strapped to his chest, because Chris was grumpy, and wouldn't sleep, and sometimes the night air and walks under the dark were the only thing that could get him calm enough to sleep.

**encounters vampires, and just, this isn't ideal. Chris was a sleepy, warm weight against his chest and the noise would wake him up. so, he tried to be reasonable. talk them out of doing anything stupid.

**interrupted by Buck literally shouting a greeting. he was bait, which Maddie didn't like, but Buck insisted and there wasn't any time to argue. Buck's internal monologue was a long litany of curses, like shit, and fuck, and what kind of idiot goes out at night with a baby. Faintly, it's a good thing he's pretty, he's fucking stupid.

**and Eddie's always had this killer's instinct, so he went for the kill, grabbed number 2 pencils from where they were stashed in his belt and threw. dusted three vampires before anyone could react (other than Maddie) and then Maddie was also finishing the others off, arrows cutting silent and sure in the night and killed the rest.

**misunderstandings, and such. communication, Buddie! introductions, and Bobby and Isabel formally meeting. Bobby heard things about the witch Isabel, mostly about how being polite would save his life. Buck and Isabel getting along, Buck learning a lot of the protective magic from Isabel, as well as the family recipes, etc.

i made a thing. that's all so far. very rough, and probably needed more things to flesh it out. this turned out to be a bigger project than i thought it would be.

[johnfair]

Dear Christopher,

This is homework. For therapy. It sucks.

Sometimes I think it's a mistake letting you go.

You're the best parts of me and your mom and your Buck. But I don't think I like that you got running away from your problems from us

Shit examples

Fucking terrible role model

I failed you more times than I can count. Maybe it's better that you're far away from me. I drag down everyone with me But I try, and I won't stop trying. I just wish I wasn't so broken you deserve better than

I hope you're settling in okay with you abuelos. I missed you the second you left

It's

I miss you, kid.

I know you don't want to talk to me. And that's fine. You can be mad, and feel hurt, and you can hate my guts. You can hate me. I deserve it

More than anything else, kid, I love you. And nothing can change that.

Dad

[johnfair]

It's the slightly ill-fitting, loose shirt.

Eddie Diaz, Mr. Not Eating Well or Regularly.

Making an effort is a chore these days. There are no fresh anything in his fridge. No veg, no fruit. Threw out the things that got bad since he hasn't cooked or anything. Not for himself.

Everything's replaced by microwavable meals that he could nuke when he had an appetite. Also beer. He's been buying more since he keeps running out fast.

When he does eat, he sits by Chris' bedroom door. Didn't dare enter since his son hadn't allowed him in there yet. Hasn't really talked to him, and it's making him lose his appetite, makes him want to drink.

[johnfair]

Instead of taking Chris with them back to Texas, why couldn't they have stayed for Eddie?

It's pretty fucked up all around. They knew what was happening. Eddie probably was having a breakdown with seeing and meeting his dead wife's doppelganger, and now Chris was angry enough to call them and leave his dad.

Ramon and Helena are parents, say they love Eddie. But when did Eddie stop being their son that they think, "this is the move," and be fine with it.

Eddie's not okay, and he's dealing with a deep grief barely scabbed over. Either they couldn't see that, or they don't care. I don't know which is worse.

Just. I dunno, I feel like you don't stop being a parent even when they move out and they have kids of their own. They're your babies to the grave and beyond, and you do everything in your power to be there.