josephkwak

[josephkwak]

A Week in Los Cabos + Aftermath

It was a great trip to Los Cabos. Beautiful

[josephkwak]

The Road to Recovery // A Deep Dive into Resentment, Hurt, and Sexual Frustration.

Discussion with Wife – 10/14/2024

[PREFACE]

I want to have a healthy dialogue of understanding each other. Coming back from Celebrate Recovery, I am thankful to be in a position to talk about this in a positive way, not trying to dismantle and damage our marriage in any way, as that is not my intention, but to hopefully deepen our understanding with the hurt that I’ve been experiencing on my end. 

This is a separate conversation to attending to your emotions, your needs, and your concerns. I know that I have caused a rift in our marriage, and there is a lot going on, and I am the perpetrator and you are the victim. I am not trying to use this conversation as an excuse or to try to get back at you or to twist things; this is just something that I’ve realized deep in me and that I really want to share.

I am currently in the process of still writing that diary on the topic of what you told me about, and I am aware that attending to your needs and trying to make amends in our relationship since I hurt you is the most important priority. Please understand that I am not trying to take anything away from that by initiating this conversation.

Can I begin? //

                  [START]

I feel like ever since confessing my gambling addiction, I’ve been able to take a deep look into myself; my faults, flaws, my shortcomings, my childhood, my trauma, my wounds and hurts, my upbringing and particular experiences that have shaped me.

This has also led me to look at my relationship with my mom, dad, brother, those close to me, my kids, and ultimately you.

When I think about you, and our marriage, I really tried to understand the resentment that I had. Where did that come from? What is the source?

Why did I try to suppress my wife and create this cloud over our marriage that really made her feel suffocated?

What happened to our marriage once we had kids? How did the dynamic change?

There are so many things that happened, that we can’t really pick apart all the nitty details of our marriage, but one thing that I really want to focus on is physical intimacy.

I’ve realized that for the past two or so plus years, since you were pregnant with Ellia in 2021, our physical intimacy life has gone down hill. We had a vibrant sex life during our honeymoon phase, which tapered off in 2020, and when we found out we were having a child, kept weaning and decreasing.

Once you had Ellia, sex was off the table for the time being. This was due to many factors, many of which I realize:

Depression and anxiety that was undiagnosed for many months.

Physical changes to the body and recovery for many months.

Change and shift in focus from you and me, to know us, new parents.

Emotional + inner disconnection and you not feeling “safe” with me because of my attitude, me not understanding what you’re going through, my suppression, and more.

Being parents and having no time, no desire because we are so exhausted all the time.

Geographic location – for several months out of the year, we were separated since you were in Korea and I was in LA.

You view your body differently and feel unattractive or something of that sorts.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but these are the seven factors that come to my mind, and this is all totally understandable. I am 100% in agreement on these and I totally understand how these factors really limit our time to have sex. It’s just really really hard unless we are intentional.

However, for me, as a male, even though I realized and acknowledged this, my libido and sexual desire really made it hard to let go of the healthy sexual pattern we had before you were pregnant. From memory, we would have sex atleast once or twice a month at the very least, for the first year or so of our marriage.

[SHIFTING POINT, AND MY HONEST THOUGHTS/CONCERNS]

I’ve literally tried to count the number of times we had sex since we had Ellia. I think we had sex once while you were pregnant, or maybe none at all, but that’s too far back to actually remember. Once we became parents, since September 28, 2021 to October 14, 2024, a span of three years, we’ve had sex no more than six (6) times. It’s about four to six times, one of which was when we had sex and got pregnant. 

If we count the time you were pregnant from January 2021 to October 2024 (present day), we’ve had sex about 4-6 times in 45 months, or almost 4 years.

I didn’t realize how severe this, but this is quite shocking. That our physical intimacy would turn from daily or even twice a day sex during our honeymoon, to 1-2 times a month during our first year, to 4-6 times in almost 4 years.

There are varying definitions on a “sexless marriage”, but one that I found that I think is quite moderate is, “if the couple has sex less than once a month.”

For me, this really hurts because during the time you were pregnant with Roy, and especially when I was going through my breakdown phase late 2023 / early 2024, I thought about giving up on ever having sex with you again. Why would I want to ever have sex with my wife if she doesn’t want to have sex with me? She never shows me any affection. 

I turned to pornography as a way to gratify this lack of physical intimacy, and have been for the past several years. It’s really unfortunate to say this, but when I watch pornography, it’s not just about dopamine release or getting my high. It’s a fantasy that I actually try hard to get emotionally connected to, because I can’t find it in real life; I haven’t been able to for the past few years.

There is this deep resentment about physical intimacy  / sex that has been brewing and that I hold against you still. And some deep, dark thoughts. Voices that I hear in my head and evil, twisted, thoughts that I do not want to share because it will hurt you too much. Thoughts that I repent and tell myself are from Satan and go to God, asking for this to not be true, but I have been truthfully feeling these thoughts for quite a bit of time now. 

This is unhealthy for me. I want to work on it, and know I need to get healthy, but I am really scared and afraid of being vulnerable again. I don’t know if we’ll be able to have a healthy physical intimate relationship again, because I’ve felt so abandoned and unseen for such a long time.

When we had our anniversary night, I was so sad at night because it felt like all the planning, all the time we shared and did, culminated in nothing. I actually watched porn at night and was so immersed in it, once again, as my escape and using that as my pseudo reality, that I just numbed the pain again. I felt so disgusted with myself, yet on Sunday, my resentment was so high that I couldn’t do anything else or think of anything else. I just felt hopeless. Hopeless that we would ever be physically intimate again.

[josephkwak]

A Whirlwind, A Flurry of Emotions & Thoughts

September 16, 2024 -

8:59 AM, Monday Morning.

These past four months, ever since about April or May of this year, work has significantly slowed down. 3545 Wilshire was pretty much 95% done by the time Roy was born, and we had worked so quickly and had so much man power at 695 Vermont that we finished that efficiently and extremely ahead of schedule (and quite frankly, have been financially reaping the benefits as of recent).

Compare this with the onset of the year, where we had to mobilize and schedule between three projects: 3545 Wilshire, 695 Vermont, and 988 Manhattan, the sudden lack of work and projects coupled with the inception of our second, Roy, created the perfect environment for me to escape.

[Sidenote]

I love poker. It is a game that I briefly played in high school and absolutely dreaded it, but has become a game that I find genuinely thrilling. I know deep down that I will never be {NOT FINISHED}

Life became so absorbed and I became so desensitized to gambling. Work ethic and life pattern was such a mess. So many work mistakes. Not present at home. I could not focus on anything and my brain was wired in such a wire that... Terrible life patterns and habits. Extremely unsustainable.

What began as a simple escape and retreat because of work leniency and the hardships and perpetual zombie-like status of living with a newborn turned into something sinister.. Or, to be more accurate, it didn't turn, but exposed the sinister side of me that I had tried to bury and hide, to cover and seem like there wasn't a big issue lying under the surface.

You see, I realized that the undealt sin that I suppressed in me, or that was dormant in me, from my youth and my 20's, was there, waiting to be unearthed. Ever since getting married, I didn't pay much attention to it - I was busy with my new role as husband, with Olympic Glass, with fatherhood, with X, Y, and Z. I tried to improve in the areas that I extrinsically lacked, or the areas that my wife pointed out, but deep, deep, deeeeeeeep inside, I never dealt with this issue.

I had brought this undealt sin inside the doormat of our house, and left it unchecked. It hid somewhere for so long, and when the timing came, it came out and exposed itself.

And that's where I'm at now. A fractured relationship, uncertainty about the future, and the realization that if I don't find healing from this, that my family will suffer because of my inability to overcome these sins that have haunted me for so many years.

The more I dive deeper, the more I realize that these addictions to pornography and gambling are not the root causes, but mere symptoms, results of a deeper issue. I can't pinpoint the origin of the root issue, but I am almost certain they are related to sin and idolatry.

______________________

I've definitely been in this place, of repentance, and seeking to find healing, but it was always something that I faced alone, as a single man.

Now, in my early 30's, as a husband and father who is transitioning into taking over the family business, the stakes could not be higher.

Lord, please help me be able to overcome and deal with my undealt sins.

[josephkwak]

Day 1

Finally coming to a place where I face my fears, where the time has come to unearth the deepest, darkest, demons in me and bring them out to the surface; to the hope and promise to reengage in covenantal love with my wife, and to live with a purpose beyond myself. Time to dedicate myself back to Christ, to be on the journey to become wholly sanctified, and become the man God has truly destined me to be.

Here's to Day 1.

[josephkwak]

A Recap of 30 to 31.

Ho... oh... lyyy shiiiiiznittt.

It's been a long year.. Feels like the LONGEST year of my life so far. A whirlwind, a tornado, just so much that happened and so many things that just came at my way.

First thought that I had when I turned 31 was, "Wait.. that wasn't even a year ago? What?!"

To set things off - thank you to my wonderful, amazing wife, for a truly remarkable birthday surprise! She's not the type to

[josephkwak]

Gambling Rules

Never ever play in local casinos [PERIOD]

Never ever use the ATM or take out funds

Never ever go beyond your budget - bring only what you can afford to lose, and discuss this with who you go with

Go in with the mindset that you are 100% okay with losing this money, and that you will not chase it

We've all been down that rabbit hole of chasing - it NEVER ends well

Remember that in gambling, eventually, you WILL LOSE

Gambling is NEVER EVER a get rich scheme.

[josephkwak]

Lots on the plate

2024 Goals

Start an S-Corp

Learn more about structuring, taxes, making sure to take as much deductions as possible into retirement / investment accounts

By the end of 2024, have the new entity structured well

Find one to two legal employees and bring them on board

Improve my Spanish

NW GOALS

Age 35 (2028) - $1-1.3 Million

-> Moderately achievable as long as I am able to allocate well and make sure to take advantages of tax deductions yearly.

Age 40 (2033) - $2-4 Million

-> Really depends on the trajectory of the business, but this 10 year benchmark will really put things into perspective for me. Whether or not I can hit this mark when I am 40, and to see where my NW is then will be a good reflection point on the past decade, and a good foresight into the next decade.

Age 45 (2038) - X > $6 Million

-> This is when Ellia will be preparing for college and 2nd will be in high school. By this time, the goal is for 브엘 and I is to plan for retirement in the next roughly 3-10 years, which would target our retirement starting at 2041 to 2048.

[josephkwak]

Over A Decade

Hard to believe that I started this over 10 years ago. Holy crap, can't believe time flew by this much... to think that I started writing Tumblr posts when I was just 19?? So much has happened in between these years.

It's crazy to think that I'm here now in the present. 30 years old, wife, 27 month old Ellia, and a son on the way. I'm no longer in my youth, yet transitioning away from that "era" of my life is such a difficult thing to do.... I'm at the cusp, at the threshold of my life, where I feel like I become less and less relevant. In my youth, I was passionate, explorative, and a go-getter with little to no fears.. no responsibilities.

Now, the weight of the world, of so many close souls, rests upon my shoulders. What a world of a difference? How much I've progressed, yet how in so many ways, I'm still stuck in the same place I was back in 2012.

Lord, thank you for life. Thank you for so many blessings in our lives. Thank you so much for all that you've done and will do Lord.

[josephkwak]

the dawn of a new decade: my 30′s

June 4th, 2023 - Sunday 4:38 PM

Just came back from Beloved Summer Retreat in Hume So Cal. It was a different retreat than what I have been used to given that there was really no sermon, and the overall atmosphere was laid back and slow paced. 

During the whole retreat, I was able to reflect on this past decade. My focus was on the past decade, given that this retreat sort of served as a bookend of my 20′s leading into my 30′s. I first met P Will at the New Philly Emmaus retreat in Fall 2014 in Seoul. I had just turned 21, and that semester in Korea radically changed the discourse of my spiritual walk until now. 9 years later, I am 3 weeks away from turning 30. A dawn of a new decade, and an end to my 20′s. Holy shit.

As I reflected on this past decade, I accomplished so much: graduation, living and working in Soojung (Korea), joining Olympic Glass, getting married, having a daughter, and being able to spend time with my mom, dad, and Josh.

Yet, my spiritual walk has seemed stagnant, distant, and meandering.

I was able to talk to P Will deep into the night yesterday about the he last night of retreat, and I was just wanted to jot down what I can remember.  

- Trellis. Set a set rule, a structure of life that you will abide by.

- It’s not fluff, but it’s how you deal with being overwhelmed, overstressed, overworked. 

- Take vacations, breaks, where you can totally shut off. Set parameters if possible.

- ADHD, procrastination, and putting things aside. This leads to extreme anxiety and depression. NEED TO RESTRUCTURE LIFE. Takes time (years), but this goes back to the trellis.

- Reaction living. I’m always reacting to work, problems, situations, etc.

- Either you control the work and it goes at your pace, or work will control you. [Currently, it is the latter]

- This leads to burnout

- Honor wife and she is most important. Her opinion, her voice. Have a conversation with her.

- Don’t expect sacrifice from her. She expects the same. Sacrifice for her, and she will do the same. Lead by example.

- Money is not the goal of life.

- Heart’s desire. What is the greatest longing of your heart?

[Currently, my answer is I have absolutely no idea].

[josephkwak]

To: Ellia

Happy 1st Birthday, Ellia.

It feels weird writing a birthday letter to a 1 year old, but I know that you will see this one day when you are older so here goes.

One year already? That was crazyyyyy fast. From the moment I saw your heartbeat on the ultrasound to now, walking and semi-running while yelling gibberish, I feel nothing but utter thankfulness. 

Despite ALLLL of the hardships and struggles, sleepless nights and sacrifices that come with parenthood, being able to see you everyday and be a part of your life has been one of the greatest if not the greatest blessing for your mom and I to be a part of.

Ellia, you are like a beacon of light, a ray of sunshine that follows you wherever you go. You have such a radiant smile, a contagious laughter, and charming deer-like eyes. 

As we reflect on your 1st year of life on this earth, mommy and daddy are so humbled and thankful that God has given you to us. Mommy and daddy aren’t perfect, and we both have issues we are working on, but seeing how you turned out so far gives us tremendous hope. So keep doing you, Ellia, because we’re all rooting for you.

Happy 1st Birthday, princess.

Love, Mommy and Daddy.

[josephkwak]

10 Years Lookout...

‘92 - I wasn’t even born

‘02 - I was in the 4th grade. Leal Elementary, Mr. Kohler’s class. 

‘12 - Freshman/Sophomore year @ Wheaton.. Wow. so much happened this year. Prayer group, Spring break in LA, J Lee, J Kim, MYC, etc...

‘22 - Married for 3 1/2 years and I’m a dad. Holy moly...

‘32 - ?

I’ll divide this into two categories:

- Physical tangible goals

- Where I’m at in life

_______________________________________________________________________

[Physical tangible goals]

1) Rental Property / Build my own home from the ground up

[I’d love to be able to have a few property for passive income / investment purposes. Really looking to generate at least $50,000 / year. Building a home has to do with expanding my construction knowledge, but this isn't a priority.]

2) Be able to have a core group of employees who are trustworthy, loyal, and knowledgable. Really need a solid few guys for the new generation of Olympic Glass.

3) Net Income in excess of $700,000/year

4) Dream Car? 

_______________________________________________________________________

[Where I’m at in life]

1) Serving 

[josephkwak]

Finance - Therapy

I am solely responsible for the future of my company, and there are several key people who depend on me for how our future will pan out financially. My parents, my wife, Ellia, and Josh. If I don’t stick it through, it will drastically change the trajectory, the quality of life, that my parents have bestowed upon me and Josh, and now onto my own family.

It is a big burden on my shoulder to take on this responsibility just because I still feel so unprepared. I lack in so many areas, and throughout the past 5 years or so, I’ve come to realize the potential of this business, and simultaneously, it’s difficulties and shortcomings. 

Throughout the past 5 years working under my dad, I’ve only come to see the financial aspects of it for about the past year or two. Before then, I was busy learning the trade and being out in the field. Recently, especially the past year, I feel like I’ve really increased our profit margin quite significantly, and I’m really proud of this.

Back to the point.

I compare a lot, and I compare myself with my peers, people my age. I’m a minority, working in construction, working under my parents, and I can’t help but compare myself. It motivates me, it challenges me, and it sometimes gets the best of me - it makes me feel inadequate, like a loser.

I’m very hard on myself, but was never hard on myself because of money or finances - never. Until recently, especially after I got married and even more so when we had Ellia.

I have build up resentment towards my wife when it comes to money and finances that has been building up for the past 4 or so years. It all started when she quit her job, which I was initially okay with. However, this spiraled into fights between us, and I really could not come to terms with it. Yes, the bottom line was that she wasn’t bringing any money in, but the real crux, the real issue, of it was that, in my eyes, she was complacent, she didn’t understand the implications of money and finances. 

And while I was forced to take a crash course and learn this due to working under my dad and was and still am in the process of taking over the family business, it seemed that my wife was just home all day, doing house chores and just watching Youtube and Netflix for the remainder of the time. We often fought about this, how I didn’t want to see her at home all day long doing nothing. How this wasn’t normal for anyone in their 20′s to be doing. How most people our age were pursuing something, working, or whatever else.

If this had been going on for a few weeks, a few months, I think it would have simmered. But this lasted from the end of 2019 to now. Obviously, because of Covid and the pregnancy, she didn’t have much time, but for some reason, that resentment festered inside of me. Our fights that did not end on a good note did not help either.

For me, what I really didn’t and still don’t understand is this - at one point, Viel knew that we were spending more than I made, and at the same time period, her mother’s business in Korea was struggling due to Covid. I asked her how she could just not do anything about it knowing that both I and her mom were in dire financial situation. How if I was in that situation, I would just apply and find any work that I can, even if it meant working 3 jobs at a time, to make ends meet.

Those arguments never ended well, and I still don’t know how she could be so nonchalant about a serious issue like that. That made me believe  that she really doesn’t know the importance of money, and it led me to resent her even more. I began to wish that my parents had never helped us out financially, that they never helped with our downpayment, or with the wedding, or etc.

Maybe if we didn’t get any financial support and we had to live in a one bedroom apartment, struggling to pay our rent and bills, and had to stick to canned foods for our meals or had to skip meals due to lack of money.. Then and only then I thought, would Viel really understand the implications of finance.

This made me down spiral and I began to think that this was so unfair: my parents helped us out much more than Viel’s mom because they could and offered to. Then why is Viel then not putting MUCH MORE effort to pull her own weight? My parents have helped us out so much, and I am working so hard, but why is Viel not doing anything? Why is she reaping all the benefits but not doing anything to sow back?

I really began to question this and realized this was a serious issue. To this day, I feel like Viel needs to step up and pull her own weight. Financially, it feels too one-sided, and I am not okay with that. 

Deep down, inside, this resentment still lingers and even though I try not to lash out at Viel verbally, it has totally changed how I view money and spending money to be more specific. 

For the time being, I’ve created three different categories of spending: her own debit card, our CHASE family card for family things that Viel uses, and my own card which I use for myself and for family things as well that Viel does not have access to. I give her a monthly allowance of $300, and I swore that big purchases are off the table for her. 

Those she can either work and save up to buy, but my hands are up in the air when it comes to big purchases. (I.E: future car, clothing items, bags, etc.)

I really think that this is an issue that won’t really be solved until Viel starts to understand the dire implications of finances. 

[josephkwak]

Sesh #2

2022.5.23

It’s past midnight. Sunday night lingered into Monday, and we just returned from Korea. Ellia and Diana are asleep, and I can work at home tomorrow because my dad allowed.

Coming back from Korea this time has made me really depressed and miss Korea. I don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe that I had a month off after working so hard for 5 weeks? 

It’s weird because I was so busy with Ellia and was with her and Diana most of the time. I really cherished every day and that feeling is so strong right now...

I feel extremely depressed. like its eating at me, and nothing I do is alleviating this feeling: prayer, meditation, working out, listening to worship songs.

God, please help me. Please show me that you are near, Father.

I feel so fucking inadequate. I feel like such a failure, such a mess. Like I’m presenting myself as this adequate person in front of everyone, but deep down I’m so ugly. I know that this is Satan’s firm grip on me, but it’s so hard to break through.

I feel so scared of my mom, dad, Josh, and Diana’s health. mom and dad because they are old and not doing so well. Josh because of the long term effects of his premature health, such as his eye, his mental and social skills, his ability to make and maintain friendships or any relationship in general; and my wife, for her physical and especially her mental health.

Jesus, would you bless those that I love so dearly. you have given us so much. so much blessings that we should be thankful for and yet take for granted.

Lord, please help me. As I weep now, would you please hear me prayers from heaven.

Lord, heal my mom’s physical pain and her anguish, Lord. Extend the days of her life so that she may continue to be a blessing to those around her. Please help her be able to see Ellia as long as possible. Please help my mom not get stress and learn to manage her health, Lord. Please forgive me for the pain that I have caused her and for all of the times that I have broken her heart.

Lord, please help my dad as he plans to retire soon. Please help me learn to take over the business and to really live a life that has good 습관, life-patterns that make me a productive human being. Help me work hard, but more importantly, work smart. Please help my dad’s health as well and help him exercise more and quit smoking. I know he loves us so much, and I can see that much more not only with just mom and me but with Diana and Ellia. Please help him not get sick, Lord.

Father, please be with Josh, Lord. My heart goes out for him so much and I get so emotional as I am so pained with how much I have hurt him and how I have not been the best brother to him. Would you please pour your grave on him and surround him with your Holy Spirit, Lord. Would you please help my brother’s eye sight, that the vision in his right eye may improve despite what the doctor’s say. Would you please help him with his struggles with sin and help him overcome them. Would you give him a spiritual friend, a church that loves him for who he is and does not judge him for the areas that he lacks. Would you help him with his studies, that he may be able to pursue that which he wants to pursue. Would you provide for Him, oh Yahweh, and have mercy on Joshua. Please help him improve exponentially in the areas that he so desires, Father, and grant him your perfect love and peace. Help him to understand that you make no mistakes, and that he is a testament to your grace and your unfailing, unending love.

Please especially be with Diana, my wife, whom I so dearly love. I know that it has been hard this past year, with the onset of the pregnancy and our relationship as a whole, but I know that these times through the furnace only strengthen us. Just as we started our relationship in a covenant, with our core values, may we learn to live them out and learn to love each other from the love that you have shown us in our own personal lives. Let us pray for each other more and be more in tune with you as individuals, husband and wife, and as parents. Please help us learn to communicate well with each other and help each other out in the areas where we lack. Not to attack each other, but to build each other up. Please help us to forgive each other and to never let go or give up. Heal her depression. Heal her anxiety. Let her be able to overcome, in Jesus name.

Father, please help us both in the midst of our struggles. Please, Father. Hear us from heaven.

[josephkwak]

Sesh #1

2022.5.10 Tues Night in 오포

rage inside me when things happen. can’t control my emotions. why? when I get cutoff, when people are being inefficient. I'm a dad now so I need to be able to better myself or else this’ll affect both Ellia and Diana severely. do not bring my past traumas and baggage and let that negatively affect Ellia. 

give Ellia the best childhood ever. keep her and Diana safe. work hard as hell. save a ton of money. save money. save money, don't spend on unnecessary. learn to budget. finance. build your business. 

really need to change habits. habit habits habits. I have too many bad habits

-laziness -procrastination 

therapy and sermon. my deepest desires. name it. what’s beneath it? P will message. desire under that desire. why do I feel so unsatisfied? so much lust still. change habits.

“what if my desire is sinful? it’s better to name it” P will

what is my deepest desire? it is to feel satisfied and content in God. is it? figuring this out. healing and wholeness.

[josephkwak]

A Return from Hiatus

2022.05.10

Hey, I’m back! A lot, and I mean a lottttt has happened since I’ve last wrote here . I obviously can’t write about all of it, but to recap:

_____

2018

1) Finished my last year in Incheon at Soojung Vision School and came to LA around April.

2) Went on an extended vacation with my family: Jeju Island, Singapore, Hong Kong, and Malaysia (not in order).

3) Leased a 430i Gran Coupe and started working for my dad.

4) Played badminton and met a cool fella named Edward Sarang Kim who became my partner and ultimately met 브엘이 through him!

5) Had one of the most adventurous Christmas season events with Diana. Shoutouts to Santos, Haemin, Joohee, and Santos’ cousins in San Diego.

_____

2019 

1) Went on an epic Vegas trip with family and friends (Diana, Santos, and Haemin). Hakkasanㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

2) Decided to get married to 브엘이 Feb 15. 2019 legally at a court wedding in Downtown Fullerton, and had our wedding ceremony at Good Steward’s Church on October 12, 2019.

3) Moved into 8095 Page in May, 2019!

4) Honeymoon to Hawaii (Oahu and Maui)

_____

2020

1) Covid-19 begins - what a fiasco.

2) Korea trip in May / June? Begin playing golf seriously starting in July, 2020.

3) Purchase a Model 3 in July.

_____

2021

1) Stocks go freaking crazy. So does Crypto. I lose in the end. Sad life....

2) We find out we are pregnant around February 2021!!!!

3) 201 14th St. Georgina project.  Extremely tough and daunting project, but a great experience.

4) Ellia Kwak is born September 28, 2021 @ Hoag Hospital.

5) Covid is still rampant. Delta Variant and the impending Omicron Variant.

_____

2022

1) Being new parents kicks our BUTT’s. Diana struggles immensely.

2) Start therapy sessions due to marital issues between the two of us. Therapy reveals a lot of trauma and issues that I haven’t faced because I didn’t realize these things growing up.

3) Diana and I get OMICRON and Ellia doesn’t. She has super powers, I swear... ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

4) Parents buy a place in Korea, a small apartment next to 분당. They vacation in Korea and Diana and Ellia go first. I join them and am currently here in 오포

[josephkwak]

Dear Future Self and Wife..

June 6, 2017 || January 29, 2019 (Updated filings italicized) 

12:23 AM 새벽

Tuesday. Post-breakup depression, despair, prayer, suicidal thoughts, and reflection.

As I read my posts that I wrote in the past few years, I am reminded of a few things.

1. My struggles and sin are constantly the same

2. God is so faithful that when I look back, it was, is, and will continually be His Grace leading me.

3. I’ve experienced a lot of growth in the midst of my pain. It was through those pains where I was able to grow.

Two years ago, right after I graduated Wheaton, I wrote a prayer to God. Looking back on it today, God literally answered all of them... I instantly cried as I realized this and was in awe... 

Right now, my hurt is aching. I don’t feel the same kind of utter despair and hopelessness that I felt when I broke up with Juyun, but I still feel really sad. I saw her today and it was super, super awkward. 

Looking back, this is so pathetic. Yes, at the time I felt really sad, but she really was not the right person for me. 

Let me elaborate. On one hand, I know why we had to break up. I wasn’t ready spiritually, and with me going back to America and making stupid decisions, she couldn’t trust me. She gave me several chances, but I failed to meet her expectations. It still blindsided me. But, at the end of the day, I realize that sin has definitive consequences.

Sin definitely does have consequences. They really spread out like a virus and if you don’t get rid of it, it latches on to so many different parts of your life. That being said, she was someone who victimized herself, was passive aggressive, and I always had to please her. It felt like I was trying to be someone who I wasn’t, and it was so hard. It was forced. Not only did I fail to meet her expectations, but she failed to meet mine. It wasn’t so much that I failed to meet her expectations. As the relationship continued, I just didn’t try as hard as my heart for her was not based on any sort of serious commitment but shallow emotion. Now that I think about it, I didn’t meet her expectations because it forced me to be someone that I wasn’t. 

On the other hand, I have rage inside of me towards her. I poured out so much to her, was by her side when she needed me, and when I needed her the most, and reached out to her to pray for me because of my struggles, she responded so coldly and, honestly, I don’t think I can get over that. That really hurts, super deep. 

Even looking at this, it rings so much truth. 100%. I should have been done with her here and then because of two things 1) This clearly showed that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and 2) Her response showed her heart for me.

For me, love is about covering each other’s faults and constantly helping each other no matter how deep of a crack that person has fallen into. You are there for that person no matter what. And if that person needs you, you are the first one there even before they ask you to be there. You don’t judge them, you just comfort them and shower them with love before you rebuke them and stuff. I know that I am capable of providing that, but my past two relationships have shown me that that may not be the case for other people. This time, I just felt betrayed.. I felt so sad. I realized that in my own struggle and sin, I did some things that were really stupid, but having my girlfriend not be by my side and just basically not talk to me and avoid me was really difficult. 

HOLY..... BRAIRIE IS THE ONE!!!

I really really pray that my wife may have a heart bigger than mine. 풍선한 마음.

To my future Joseph.

May you never ever forget one of the 13 most important words in your life.

“All I want / All I need / Is more of you / Less of me.”

May you overcome your struggles for good, and be a warrior for God who is steadfast. Don’t go out of control. My Jo. You will continue to face tremendous difficulties and hardships in the future. Never lose sight and focus of God, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel. Please Jo. God is ALWAYS with you. Right now, as you are writing this in your despair. In the future, when you read it, and forever more.

Love your immediate family. Like John Piper said, we may live for one more hour, or for decades. As you go back, please love them and do NOT be selfish. Love your mom, dad, and Josh. And take care of them.

Lord, please provide as I transition back to Los Angeles this upcoming year. Please let me love my kids while I am here and maximize my time while I am in Korea, but as I am here, please give me YOUR vision and YOUR will for what you want me to pursue when I go back home.

Joseph Kwak. Leave an amazing legacy at Soojung. Be kind to everyone - everyone. Don’t seek for the perfect one.  Be the perfect one.

Be a blessing to others, and never settle.

Lord, my love for you is so lacking. Lord, help me realize that You are ALWAYS with me. Lord, please heal my mother, for she is sick. Let her find a cure so that she will be healed completely. Lord, please provide for her, and be with her. Be also with my dad. Let him come to faith in You. Let him worship you like King David did. Touch his heart, and protect him physically, spiritually, and mentally. Help his business thrive, and keep him and his workers safe. Be the pillar of our household. Guide us in your faith. Be with Josh and his direction in life. Let him never lose sight of You, and be glorified in his weakness. Use his weakness in an amazing way Lord, and surround him with people who will bless him. Continue to teach him Your ways, and Your love. Be with him especially as he goes to Hawaii for missions this summer. Guide his team, and let them be a profound impact on the students there, and let them be mad blessed in return.

To my future wife:

Hello there, beautiful. I don’t know your name, but this is my tumblr. It’s very personal and I don’t think anyone knows about it except for my art 101 prof. in Wheaton my freshman year (Dr. Milliner!) Haha :D

HER NAME IS 이브엘!! VIEL LEE. BRAIRIE. BABY. BABE. LOVE. And my all time favorite, Beersheba. 

As you read it by yourself, or as we read it together, I hope that it provides a window into my life and helps you understand more about me and my life during my early to mid twenties. It is in no way a comprehensive look, but snippets of it. They are deep, raw, and uncensored memories of joy, pain, guilt, and whatever else I wrote.

Future wife. I wonder if there were times when you thought about your future husband, and wonder if we were thinking about each other at the same exact time. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Like a romance movie or star-crossed lovers? Haha well its 12:52 AM right now June 6th, 2017 so maybe there is a chance you wrote down this as well in your diary (fingers crossed!). 

Anyways, I just want to start off by telling you that I don’t deserve you. I am broken beyond repair. I am hard to deal with, stubborn, messy, unorganized, and so many other things. I lack in a lot of areas, and there are some things about me that I am really ashamed about. But luckily, Jesus saved me from death when I was 15. I met the Lord on the early morning of July 5th, 2008, and from then I haven’t looked back. It’s been one heck of a ride, one that was marked by many downfalls and struggles, but God has never let go of me, and that is why I still stand.

Thank you for welcoming me in your life, and for taking on this life-long adventure with this silly monkey. I hope you are ready to share our lives together into one, and love each other as Christ has shown. May He be the pillar of our family, the center of our relationship, and in response, may we really surrender before God and live lives that are holy and fearful of God. May we cover each other when we go through difficulties, and be there for each other when we are struggling. When I am struggling, may you strengthen me, encourage me, pray for me, and lead me back to Christ; when you are struggling, may I protect you, guide you, serve you, carry your burden, pray for you, and lead you back to Christ.

May our love for Jesus surpass our love for each other, and may we live lives marked by servanthood. May we lay down our idols, our goals, our wills, and serve the kingdom of God. For Christ and His Kingdom.

My darling, my sweetheart. There are so many words that I want to share, but I’ll save that for later. 

I love you Jesus. I love you future wife. All thanks and glory be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.  <3

[josephkwak]

June 5. 2017

199 days. Should have been 199 days less. On one hand, I accept the consequences for my actions and why it had to end. On another, I am having difficulty with her response and how cold she was. In a moment where I needed someone to be by my side, I was met with indifference and instead of care, rejection. 

At this moment, I’m getting ready to go to work. It’s currently Monday June 5, 2017 7:12 AM. This past 2 months or so have been a wreck to say the least. Feels like rock bottom. I hope it is.. Because if that’s the case, the only that back is up. Fix my eyes on the prize, and always be reminded that Jesus is with me, Immanuel.

When I look back at this post in the near future, may I be solely reminded of one thing: God’s grace and His perfect, pleasing will.