journeyofkristenshea

[journeyofkristenshea]

MOVEMENT DOES NOT ALWAYS HELP

Those struggling with chronic illness, from depression, to Lyme's disease, deal with greater suffering than what "healthy people" can even imagine.

Uneducated, ignorant, and non - compassionate people, will always have something to say about people struggling.

As someone who has done damage to my body, I have a greater understanding now. Not everyone can push through their symptoms, and be okay.

When the body is going through something that knocks it out of balance, stress can exacerbate the symptoms further.

Many times, the body is too weak to participate in much other than daily activities of life. Many times, people are in too much pain.

There are signals that the body will give, for rest and repair, during chronic illness.

If your car was breaking down, and the treatment was a lengthy one, would you drive it regardless, and just hope for it to work?

The human body is no different. While more resilient, it needs rest, nourishment, medicine, and other healing ailments to recover.

Working and moving through any of these, will only postpone the symptoms, and put those at greater risk for further health issues.

Do not tell people what to do, if they have a chronic illness. Unless you have compassion, go about your way. Thank you.

[journeyofkristenshea]

Hello, my name is Kristen. In case you haven't read any of my posts, I am 37, and in recovery from Anorexia.

I am five years into recovery. This, is the farthest I have come. I am close to being on bed rest this year, minus the chores and helping my family. Recovering from an eating disorder, means honoring what your body needs at all times.

I didn't do that very well after the first year. I felt like I was doing okay, and ended up going to school full time, working part time, getting involved in an abusive relationship, and more. While I never lost weight intentionally during this recovery period, I did set back internal healing. In fact, my body desperately held onto excess weight due to all the stress I put myself through.

I have to be honest with you, this isn't my first time in recovery. I have tried twice before. However, this is lucky number three. I have come very far. I have achieved a great amount of wisdom, and understanding of the human body throughout this process.

To fully recover, you must prioritize listening to your body. If it is what you want the most, work and school have to come second. I hope, that all those recovering get the financial support that they need. It is not easy to recover without much assistance (I am experiencing that as well). If you have no choice, please tell your authority figures, that you need more breaks and consistent nourishment. You deserve a bright and healthy future.

[journeyofkristenshea]

PMS & PMDD ARE NOT NORMAL

I cannot remember too many months where I wasn't anxious, tired, or cranky the week before my period. Since my first period at 15 years old, all I remember, were troubled times.

As I dabbled in different activities and diets throughout my later years, my periods have disappeared a few times. Getting them back, was relatively easy, but the symptoms that came with it, not so much.

During my recovery, I experienced some months where I had very little PMS symptoms. Let me tell you, in order to keep that consistent, your recovery has to always be number one. As soon as I started feeling better, I would take on too much. My ED symptoms would slowly return, and perpetuate the cycle all over again.

The internal damage requiring rest and repair, is far harder to heal from, than the beginning weight gain stages. Don't get me wrong, I remember how excruciating that was.

However, without a full recovery, internal damage isn't fully achieved. It's easy to slip into, "oh it's just anxiety and depression", during the later part of recovery. It's easy to take on more than your body can handle. Many people with ED's are stubborn , and have very strong will.

Anyway, as the body recovers from malnutrition, PMDD slowly dissipates. Calcium and magnesium levels are replenished, helping to decrease cramping. Calcium and phosphorus stores regain normality, reversing osteoporosis. Iron levels rise, healing anemia during your period. Enough protein and fat help improve mood and brain fog. That's only a part of it.

Until then, PMDD will exist as the body tries to heal, restore hormonal balance, and more. Keep the faith, keep eating consistently, and always seek help when needed.

[journeyofkristenshea]

BREAKING THE BINGE CYCLE

Negative body issues, and misinformation regarding health, has led generations to pass down disordered eating, for a very long time.

During my eating disorder recovery, I have realized how many people are afraid of food. There is a fear of weight gain, for most of us.

In addition, there is much needed expanding research, regarding the nutritional quality of food. Cholesterol, for example, was the demon for many years. Now, further research has shown how cholesterol is important for many body functions.

Now, as far as binge eating, I have scrolled over many social media accounts, that struggle with this. The problem is, that many of them think it is an addiction.

Yes, binge eating does create a rush of certain chemicals in the brain. However, the real problem, is restriction of specific nutrients, and overall caloric intake. The end result of binging results in guilt, shame, disgust, physical nausea, and more.

When a person is recovering from an eating disorder, they find that the fullness and nausea, is very similar to the feeling they had during a binge episode. Nausea doesn't always mean that you ate too much. Nausea, accompanied with moodiness, is actually a sign of healing from restriction.

This topic is so complex to explain to people struggling with the BAP cycle. Only those in recovery, understand that the only way to stop binging, is to eat as much as you need and crave every single day.

When recovering, you can feel quite ill for some time. It can make you think you are over eating. When the symptoms of malnutrition fade, the unpleasant feelings of "overeating" will dissipate. This, can take a long time. You must, be consistent.

I haven't binged in FIVE years after deciding to recover from Anorexia. However, I still get bloating, extreme fullness, and more. I still have symptoms of malnutrition, and lab work to prove it. I have the wisdom and knowledge, to know now, that this is part of the healing process. I do not desire to binge ever, because I push myself to eat sufficiently every day.

This process can be quite long and grueling for those who have had disordered eating for years. Many people do not understand the process of recovery isn't supposed to feel good. Otherwise, you would be healed.

There is much to say about this topic, but for now, I will close it here. My wish, is for people to understand that they do NOT have an addiction to food. Those struggling with binging (other than actual genetic disorders), are always restricting in some shape or form.

Please see a dietician if you need help. Xoxo

[journeyofkristenshea]

See you in heaven, my love.

[journeyofkristenshea]

LONG RECOVERY FROM ANOREXIA ?

You're not alone!

Here, is a safe space for you.

Did you know, that most people (according to my dietician), actually take at least ten years to fully recover? This, was a dietician who worked with hundreds of recovery patients.

Do NOT get discouraged by those who heal "quickly". For one, every person recovering has a different amount of internal damage, needing repair.

Secondly, not everyone claiming full recovery, is fully recovered. Many think they are, yet experience symptoms of malnutrition, that state quite the opposite (see my post about anxiety and depression).

Third, most people relapse at some point. This is my third attempt. I began recovery around 25 years old, and I am now 37. This is the furthest I have come. I have a greater understanding of my body now, and feel closer to a full recovery than I have in years.

Yes, I am quite "bed ridden" ATM, but this is mostly by choice. I finally quit all activities and work hindering my progress. Once my body gave the signals to eat and rest, I listened. My hormones, skeletal system, nervous system, and more, are reaching closer to homeostasis every day. Sometimes, even late in this game, I feel worse than I ever have. Yet, the benefits are starting to come.

Please try not to rush this, or think you are a failure because your body is taking such a long time. This is one of the hardest things to recover from. Give yourself grace, and allow yourself to heal without set expectations. Xoxo

It IS possible. Never give up.

[journeyofkristenshea]

OBESITY EPIDEMIC:

IT IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE THINK

After struggling with years of an eating disorder, being involved in the fitness industry, and later, gaining a lot of weight, I have a different understanding of health.

I mentioned in a previous post, that I have worked with a highly educated eating disorder doctor, in Michigan. I explained to him my curiosity with obesity, and how my recovery symptoms were very similar. He nodded an agreement and shared his expertise.

When I was a personal trainer, I had a couple of clients who were morbidly obese. I always had nothing but compassion for these people. At the time, I was eating a high protein diet, and a moderate amount of carbohydrates and fats.

When I had asked them about their diet plan, I was shocked. Most of them barely ate throughout the day. Most of them also had joint problems, heavy breathing, and depression. This had nothing to do with their weight.

A few years later, I developed severe Anorexia. I went from a strict bodybuilding diet to complete starvation. After I knew I needed help, I went into recovery. I overshot my weight by 100 lbs. During this recovery process, I experienced a lot of joint issues, anxiety, depression, and shortness of breath. I even had to use a wheelchair at the grocery store, because I was so exhausted. Most people were kind, but I got a lot of looks of judgment.

Long story short, having these symptoms made me think of people struggling with obesity. I was now very heavy, and very inactive. Yet I knew, that my body was trying to heal the internal damage done by starvation. Many people with obesity aren't always overeaters. It is the genetic predisposition, of gaining weight, from a binge-restriction cycle.

With anorexia, there is rarely a binge cycle, hence why there is no weight gain. With bulimia and other eating disorders, there is always an episode of binging after restriction. Due to genetics, influenced how much weight people will gain from it (and perpetuate the cycle).

As I'm going through an exhaustion wave later in recovery, I still experience these symptoms. My bones and joints are trying to heal, and my brain is trying to restore.

Anytime I see somebody in public, out of breath and overweight, my heart goes out to them. Insufficient nutrients, especially proteins and fatty acids, play a huge role. I no longer hold judgment. I have a new found compassion and understanding, of health issues with people of all sizes.

[journeyofkristenshea]

Normal Or Not: Depression & Anxiety After Recovery

We all know, that during restriction, the body experiences a sense of euphoria that is undeniably powerful. That euphoria runs on for some time, up until a point of no return.

Then, sudden crashes of intense weakness, lethargy, brain fog, and restlessness hit like a tsunami. The euphoria is long gone. Only to be replenished by another episode of binging and starving.

Once a person chooses recovery, anxiety and depression seemingly become worse. The nervous system grows stronger, yet internal damage needs much time to fix. The stronger, yet broken nervous system, sends signals of exhaustion and anxiety, to get you to focus on eating and resting.

Episodes during Quasi Recovery can flare up this anxiety and depression. A prolonged period of depression and anxiety can set your recovery back. This, is what happened to me.

To answer the initial question, yes, anxiety and depression can be normal after recovery. This is a normal part of life. The occasional overload at work, the loss of a loved one, getting ill, and so forth. These situations are TEMPORARY, as a healed mind and body are able to COPE better, and to bounce back quicker.

The PROBLEM that I see with many people claiming they have made a "full recovery", is that many say they still struggle with chronic depression and/or panic attacks. This is NOT full recovery. As I said previously, it is normal to experience these things OCCASIONALLY or even MINIMALLY. Having these experiences often, means the body is not in homeostasis.

As someone who has felt what "full recovery" feels like - let me tell you, I rarely have panic attacks or chronic depression. I have emotions, I have heightened awareness, I am sensitive, but the depths of anxiety and depression are very much regulated by my CNS. It is merely the emotions of life I experience, and not the physical symptoms of the other two. I am able to navigate life from a far different place. I have had setbacks that have kept me in Quasi Recovery, which brings back anxiety and depression.

I have faith that with diligence and consistency, I will overcome this again. I will be able to step out of my house without panic attacks. I will have energy and clarity to enjoy things again. For now, I will continue to put recovery first. For now, my body needs the rest and nourishment.

[journeyofkristenshea]

IRRITABILITY & RESTLESSNESS

Do you remember when you were younger, got sick, and had those moments where you felt incredibly restless, yet too weak to do anything?

This, is what malnutrition can do to the body.

Imagine the situation being "tamed down" (a.k.a. no longer sick), but feeling restless and bored, but too much stimulation becomes overwhelming. Welcome to how many people in our society feel.

When a human being, or anything living for that matter, is pushed beyond its limits, this person cannot keep going for long, without consequences. At some point, energy deficits grow, and the body starts to break down internally. This happens BEFORE any dangerous signs.

People begin to adapt to live life, as irritability and restlessness become the norm. Living peacefully, is seemingly impossible.

Now, don't get me wrong, society perpetuates this "norm", by choosing this hustle and grind. Some people have no choice, without financial support from the government. Staying in survival mode will only keep us stuck living at a subpar existence.

Feeling calm and at peace, is the natural state of homeostasis. The fact that, even the most "healthy people" don't always feel this way, is a problem. With overworked doctors, greedy politicians, and so forth, we are seemingly doomed. Our nation relies on individuals in power for support.

These "healthier people" are able to work and provide income better than disabled folks. However, many of them still experience irritability and restlessness, at a level that doesn't seem to interfere (just yet).

Disabled people have accumulated much knowledge, compassion, and wisdom from these situations. However, their energy deficits due to illness, prevent most from being able to lead others. Their hearts and minds are the foundation of what we actually need.

How do we get out of this tangled messy knot? I'm not quite sure yet.

For me, it includes the hope of making a full (or close to) recovery, and using my new found energy to help others.

For now, this blog is the most I can do.

[journeyofkristenshea]

SIMILARITIES

WEAKNESS, CFS, DEPRESSION, EATING DISORDERS

When recovering from an eating disorder, you begin to understand how many illnesses are influenced by malnutrition and stress. There is greater knowledge to be obtained, through future experiments and scientific testing.

I recently got hit with Co-Vid for a second time. Prior to the virus, I have been going through a phase in recovery where I feel quite ill, regardless. The only way I knew I had Co-Vid was because my parents both had it. I experienced a couple of days of extreme sweats and chills, as well as a sore throat.

As far as weakness, nausea, headaches, dizzy spells, emotional distress, and typical flu-like feelings, these are all common in ED recovery. Yes, recovery and malnutrition can cause you to feel extremely ill.

**Note: It is important to get regular lab work checkups as well.

When your body is fighting an infection of any kind, it uses nutrients rapidly, leaving you feeling weak. Alternating nausea and hunger, is merely the concept of gastroparesis (and inflammation from the virus), causing food digestion to slow down. This can leave you feeling quite anxious and depressed. Your body is trying to reach homeostasis.

When you are recovering from an eating disorder, your immune system is weak. It takes a lot of energy to repair internal organs, and a lot of time. The pain that is experienced in early recovery is agonizing. However, for me, nothing hits as hard as feeling like you are plagued with the flu and crippling anxiety 24/7. You then realize, how many of these illnesses are closely related.

When people go to the hospital with depression symptoms, many doctors tell them to exercise, and continue on with their lives as if it will go away. Sure, you can ignore signs from your body and force it back to living off of adrenaline (as your energy source).

However, when you find it hard to eat, or you find you are ravenous accompanied with fatigue, it is not only wise, but crucial for optimal health, to listen to that.

Whether it is depression, CFS, lymes disease, etc .. rest and digest is what the body needs, until it regains real strength to continue to live. Many, unfortunately, are unable to get through the healing phase.

There is a misconception that most people should push through, to get where they want to be. Believe me, coming from being an overachiever myself, this is extremely damaging to living a fulfilled life. We need to cater to our bodies as if we are a child. We need to listen.

Importantly, we need the support of our government and others, to spread awareness and raise funding, for those of us who struggle with chronic illness. We need each other.

[journeyofkristenshea]

Fear Of Fats - An American Tale

"Yes, I'll take a side of avocado toast with that."

Regardless of having an eating disorder, most people have disordered eating. Truth be told, I think scientific research will change (and is) overtime, fearing cholesterol. The link of high cholesterol and heart attacks is seemingly true, however, why is the cholesterol high, is the actual question.

Let me tell you this, as someone recovering from Anorexia, even after weight restoration, cholesterol rich food is a prominent craving of mine. My cholesterol levels are also above normal. I was informed by my doctor to be put on statins, for my heart.

This couldn't be further from what I actually need. There are many reasons why cholesterol is elevated. One of them, is from restriction. It is ideal for the human body to store cholesterol, until it feels as if it is getting the appropriate amount (for a long period of time).

Cholesterol is what the nervous system needs. Cholesterol develops the brain. Human beings are not human without it.

Celebrities and fitness influencers spread messages of healthy eating with mostly "plant based fats and fish". Sure, those are essential, but cholesterol is what makes hormones.

There is a reason why people WANT to sit down, eat an entire pizza, in front of the T.V. and relax after a long day at work. After burning calories all day, re-fueling is intuition, on one of the best life saving foods on the planet. As the human body receives the cholesterol it needs, there won't be a desire to binge anymore. This could take a long time, for those who have been over exercisers or restrictors.

As I continue with my own recovery, the desire for cholesterol is still high. Without it, my periods are troubled, and my brain function is shit.

[journeyofkristenshea]

The boosters are useless. But I should have known better.

How to eat with COVID? Shove as much food in without vomiting. :)

[journeyofkristenshea]

Truth Of Recovering From An Eating Disorder (Or Other Illnesses) In Society. It Is THAT Difficult To Receive Help For Many Of Us.

[journeyofkristenshea]

As I sit here tonight, with a stomach full of food, extremely nauseated, I wonder when I will get to a place where things are better. You see, this third time, was a "charm". I never intentionally restricted. I had setbacks, though, prioritizing toxic relationships and working. Never, though, did I feel hunger, and choose to restrict.

The first two times, I despised the weight I had gained. Trigger warning ahead ...

...I went from 85/90 lbs. to an overshoot of 210 three times. This time, after gaining the necessary overshoot, I chose to stay there. I have naturally come down since then, but still maintaining a weight well above my sick days. For five years, I refused to lose weight via caloric restriction.

As time went by during my third recovery, I had two boyfriends, worked a few jobs, and went to reflexology and massage school. I had ups and downs, as I knew there would be. Finally, 2023 came, and my family and I moved out of state to be with my brother and his two little girls. This was my first time on my own. I moved with my brother, paid rent, paid for all my food, watched the girls, and worked 4-5 days a week. I was doing quite well, until I started getting sick frequently.

By the end of 2024, my health spiraled to not necessarily losing weight, but having extensive problems that set me back. I had convulsions, loss of appetite, brain fog, panic attacks, and frequent infections. My body took a beating as a massage therapist. I should have listened within the first few weeks of non-adjustment. I was stubborn. I assumed (after 7 months) that I would have good and bad days. The bad days, outweighed the good. After having the convulsions and defecating all over the bedroom floor, I said, "f*ck this*". I quit my job immediately.

End of the year, I could barely walk without feeling like I was 80 years old. I still left the house on "good days", but was plagued with brain fog, and extreme anxiety. Even taking trips to the laundry mat was quite challenging. As 2025 approached, I decided to listen to my body, and rest.

My blood sugar (despite eating well), would drop every time I left the house. It still does now, but the choice to rest, and stay next to the fridge, is the best option I have. I have been in a state of Hypermetabolism since leaving my job, and quite severely since April 2025. Everything I eat is utilized internally. I have cravings and try to honor the best I can, but we don't always have the money to purchase everything we want.

At this point, I rely on my hardworking mother, to support me as I try to bounce back from this setback. I have a guilt complex, but this is the best choice for my health. I have been in IOP, but insurance cut me off quickly. Hospitals and doctors in our town do not understand Anorexia Recovery. They even said so, themselves. I have labs done since then. Everything checked "normal" except clear signs of healing from malnutrition.

I have a doctor from Michigan who I reached out to, to discuss my results. I have elevated cholesterol (since recovery began), with low alkaline phosphatase. My body is still storing cholesterol. Low alkaline phosphatase, as he said, relates directly to needing more fats in my diet. As I said before, in no way was I restricting. However, I decided to bump my fat intake up as high as I could tolerate. I also have normal protein levels, but high creatinine levels. Thus, he said my body was breaking down protein quickly. My A1C is normal, as my body is using carbohydrates and sugars rapidly as well.

My nervous system is much stronger than it ever was, which is why I believe I feel so awful during this recovery period. A weaker CNS can make you ignore symptoms. A strong one, makes you never want to restrict again. I experience dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, weakness, anxiety, depression, palpitations, hair loss, and more. Hormonal changes seem to be the hardest. Every chore I do at home takes a LOT of energy. I am constantly sweating after all my meals. I have psychosis. I feel like eating more is killing me, due to the unpleasant flu-like symptoms.

Still, I persevere, and choose recovery every time. There is no turning back. I either choose to die restricting, or from complications in re-feeding. I choose to try to survive, and live the life my body deserves. I wish I had more financial and emotional support, but I have tried so many times, in so many places. I decided to stay patient with my current circumstance, and do what I can on my own. I will evaluate every few months to see how I am. Recovering from an eating disorder takes everything you've got.

I hope to spread awareness and shed light into this realm, and connect with anyone struggling with mental or physical limitations. We must stand together. I believe that's what God would want for us. Love you all.

Me: Before Recovery

[journeyofkristenshea]

Anorexia Recovery Is Not For The Faint Of Heart

Hello. My name is Kristen Gordon. I am now 37 years old, and five years into Anorexia Recovery. I have relapsed, I believe two or three times, and this is the farthest I have come.

To begin,. my heart goes out to anyone suffering from physical and/or mental disabilities. I am happy that people are spreading their personal stories. However, the amount of recognition and support (including financial), is slim. It's slim compared to that same attention, given to fame and wealth. If only we could tap into the love of those, such as Jesus Christ or Buddha, would the world be a better place.

I am here to help awaken all those who do not understand, or wish to understand, people struggling with health issues that can persist many years. In my case, it is Anorexia that has prevented me from living a normal life. I don't always regret having had this disease, but I can't say that it has been easy. The recovery process, especially experiencing a wave of exhaustion, years later, can seem daunting.

In the beginning, it is much easier to let go of everything, except beating this god awful illness. The symptoms experienced are far from pleasant, but recovery becomes your main priority. People support you, you are determined, and have a sense of hope that a child on Christmas Eve has.

As you begin to heal, you take on more responsibilities. This is good, this means you are healing. However, for many people in recovery, it can also create a snowball effect. Sometimes, we think we can do more, but it is not in our best interest. Sometimes, it's hard to tell when we are fully recovered. We can chalk up our symptoms to anxiety and depression later in the process. We can ignore the days we get sick frequently. We can interpret high levels of stress, inability to multitask, and energy shifts, as "adjusting to life".

How long do we accept this as a normal part of integrating back into society? How long do we push ourselves, and accept long term symptoms as a "normal" part of the process. No - I am here to tell you it is NOT normal. Yes, there are adjustment periods in life. However, when you are recovered enough from malnutrition, the ability to adapt to life, is a process that is not overwhelming. It can be not the most pleasant situation. However, when the mind and body are in a healthy place, you are able to handle (with greater ease) what life throws at you.

I have experienced this "phenomenon". I call it a phenomenon, because this phase, this feeling, has not been permanent for me. It has, though, opened my eyes, to a life I have never experienced before. A life of peace, balance, and most of all, optimal health. Once I felt that, I thought that I was "recovered". What I didn't understand, was that I shifted from that feeling, back into states of stress, depression, and sickness, all over again. I accepted it as part of the healing process. That one day, I will feel that peace again.

As wisdom slowly creeps upon me once again, I can say I was foolish. It's hard to accept that I needed more time to recover, when life never seems to slow down. People look at you, restored weight and all, and judge. Family members stop helping because they think you are mentally unstable (which IS STILL a health issue). Money from your account draws nearer to zero every day. Isolation becomes your best friend, as you'd rather die alone, than with those who criticize you. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard enough in and of itself.

Thankfully, I do have a wonderful mom who supports this refeed and rest process. "Quasi recovery" is what they call it. You're close to a full recovery, but there are still symptoms of malnutrition that prevent you from living your best life. Now, we aren't rich, and my mom is nearing retirement. I've been off work for a little less than a year. In addition, my body kind of "shut down" since April, with little energy to do most things. I push through chores and help my mom and dad as much as I can. That, is exhausting enough. I will make another post about symptoms later. This is only the beginning.

What do I wish from this? I don't know. I have a lot of compassion for myself, and my family (my dad had a stroke/cancer). We do this alone. We have little help from anyone. We are all seen as black sheep in our entire family, especially, me. No one knows what it's like to heal the body from severe malnutrition. No one cares or wants to understand. Most of my family, unfortunately, live very selfishly. I have accepted that. I love them for who they are, but it's very lonely. It haunts my mom more than anyone. I wish I could heal faster, so I can shove it in everyone's face. I wish I could ease my mom's worries about me. I wish I could heal my dad. I wish I could make others understand that recovery isn't for the faint of heart. I can't. All I can do is have faith, hope, and keep eating my way out. I will keep trying, keep putting recovery first, and pray that things for my family and I will get better.

P.S. thank you for taking the time to read this. I will continue sharing my journey for those of you who need companionship and relatability. I am here for you, as much as I can be. I love you.