juliunblocked

[juliunblocked]

‪Deep rooted traumas and fears are clearing heavy with this dark moon energy. Triggers and tests are both showing up. This is a good chance to demonstrate your mastery, you are safe and you can handle it. Stay calm and center yourself.‬

[juliunblocked]

Self care is not necessarily self love

We read so much about practicing self love that sometimes it almost feels difficult to really get the meaning behind it. What does it really mean to love yourself?  This past year I’ve noticed a huge increase in people practicing self care - or at least, people who talk online about practicing self care. No matter if that’d be taking care of your skin, your body, your mental health, creating healthy habits of journaling, taking walks, going to the gym, taking hot baths and meditating - all this is great for us. We’re dedicating special time and attention to ourselves, taking care of us, creating a safe space and time for us. That is important and so, so amazing to see so many people really doing this for themselves. But self care is not self love. You can take care of yourself and still not honor and love yourself. Unfortunately, things are so damn deep and our feelings for ourselves are so complex that many times we can confuse self care with self love, and still treat us with less than respect.  So what is self love?  It’s paying attention to your feelings. It’s respecting your feelings. It’s honoring your Self. It’s listening to yourself. It’s being gentle and patient to yourself. It’s putting yourself first. Now, at first glance this may all seem so easy. “Yeah, sure, I put myself first. Of course I do.”, you may think. But do you really? We’ve been taught our whole life long that putting yourself first is selfish. That being proud of your achievements is being conceited. That honoring and expressing your feelings is over-sensitive, weak even. That loving ourselves, being absolutely true to ourselves, is arrogant. But it’s not.  There’s a huge difference between selfishness and putting yourself first. Same goes for the rest. When you love yourself you truly see yourself, you feel the feelings, you are without restraints, without shaming, without fear. That is self love. And that kind of love is very rare.  I will give an example of how I am practicing self love today. All my life I’ve had a messy relationship with my older sister. It’s only the two of us and my mom and my sis has always been mean to me, saying hurtful things to me ever since I was little. Now I am finally working that stuff out, I’ve noticed that I kept her voice within me, it became part of my inner voice and I’m now releasing all this from me: her influence, her negativity, her meanness. At the same time I’ve realized that I carry anger towards my mom - who has always been a friend to me - but who also let this happen, she as mother of two girls wasn’t able to help us in saving our relationship. Many times, she even took part in the hurtful behavior towards me. There’s a side of me who never allowed herself to feel this anger toward my mom. And now I’m letting myself feel it. Feel it all to let it go.  So there’s been a situation now where my mom actually hurt my feelings and I prepared an email text to her to explain everything I’m feeling and also this realization about her past behavior toward me and how it made me feel. I drafted this text but hadn’t sent it to her. Why? Because I knew that she’d be hurt and sad and I also imagined that she would victimize herself, that she wouldn’t be able to see my point of view but only hers. I was trying to avoid a confrontation. But was I honoring myself and my feelings this way? No. I was putting her feelings above mine. I was swallowing them again, just like in the past just to avoid hurting people. But what about me? What about respecting my feelings and expressing what I felt? Is that not true self love? Self love isn’t easy, it isn’t pretty, it’s not relaxing and calming like self care. It’s hard. Loving yourself will bring forward past hurts and healing these is hard. Healing always hurts a bit. But it’s worth it in the end.  When you start loving yourself you will start facing situations that you used to avoid. You will start saying things that might hurt the Ego of another. You will do it, even if your voice shakes, even if you tremble. But you will do it because you love yourself. You deserve to be seen, heard and respected. But in order for that to happen you will have to first see, listen and respect yourself.

[juliunblocked]

Do the universe a favour. Don’t hide your magic

[juliunblocked]

listen if you think someone is cool and you dig their energy you just have to tell them, because that’s the kind of stuff you remember a thousand times longer than somebody complimenting your hair or whatever. tonight I told a girl from my theory class that I like her analytical approach and she bounced back at me saying she digs my feminine energy and how she gets the vibe that, to my core, I exist to uplift women and I damn near cried. tell people what resonates about them. be real. help each other feel seen.

[juliunblocked]

Heartache is good. Accept it joyously. Allow it, don’t repress it. The natural tendency of the mind is to repress anything that is painful. By repressing it you will destroy something that is growing. The heart is meant to be broken. It’s purpose is to melt into tears and and evaporate. When the heart has evaporated exactly in the same place where the heart was, you come to know the deeper heart.

Osho  (via seulray)

[juliunblocked]

I can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to see in me.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[juliunblocked]

Your relationship should be your place of peace. It should be the place where all armor comes off, egos are humbled, and transparency reigns supreme.

[juliunblocked]

[juliunblocked]

Feminine Energy

For the past two/three months I have been working through so many different blocks I had. Most of them had something to do with relationships but I do think that everything is connected. I have been single my entire life. I have dated and went out with guys but I never met anyone who I wanted to be in a relationship with, except for one guy when I was 19. Ever since I started to work with Lacy’s workshops I was able to discover so so many insecurities, deeply hidden shadows, blocks and stuff that was literally keeping me away from a loving relationship. I feel like in my case it’s layers upon layers of blocks. Whenever I discover one and start healing it, another one shows up. This doesn’t mean that I believe I’ll never unblock myself, it’s just a more complex issue and it makes total sense that I have been single forever since I have been carrying around so many blocks and fears and never stopped to look at them. So what were the blocks and fears I discovered and worked through these last few months: + Fear of rejection: 1) because my father was absent and had a hard time showing affection and I felt rejected by him 2) because I suffered bullying as a little kid and felt rejected by others + Stuck in the child role: guilt of living my own life and leaving my mother, being a “bad daughter” + Shame in regards to my sex life: societal programming, insecurity, fear of opening up + Fear of intimacy: running away from men who I would have to be vulnerable with + Negative programming regarding men and relationships: family members and their marriages and talk about men in general was always very negative + Surpressing my feminine energy since early childhood What I am writing about in this post is the last block listed above.  Both men and women have feminine and masculine energy, it’s what creates balance and harmony in a person. Whenever we focus too much on one side and deny the other, we will struggle.  I grew up as the youngest daughter of a single mother and as any other child I wanted to be loved by my caretakers and please them. My mother handled everything on her own, was fierce, strong, a fighter, and she never cried. My older sister was the same. I tried to toughen up to be like them, be loved. But at the same time I also developed fearful traits, I was a very cautious and scared kid (we had moved to another country when I was 5 and I didn’t speak the language, this was somewhat traumatizing) - a fact that my older sister would criticize a lot. So this sensitive, vulnerable side of me was pushed away. I learned very soon that being sensible and vulnerable was a sign of weakness and I wouldn’t be loved for it.  This went on for my whole life. Basically I denied my feminine energy and focused on my masculine energy. This resulted in me being very successful in my professional endeavors. I got jobs in amazing companies without even having an official degree. I never struggled with employment, I usually had enough money to live a good life. I was goal oriented, determined, independent. And proud of it. But my feminine side - the part of me who is emotional, open with her feelings, who is scared, or who needs affection, who has a big heart, who feels connected to the world and her own body - that side of me was being neglected or even shut off. And society in general values masculine energy. We often hear “don’t be such a girl”, or “I’m not one of those girls”, or “man up”. The emotional woman is often seen as a desperate, ridiculous person. It’s understandable that we feel pushed away from our feminine energy. We want to be praised and loved  - and we seek to be what others will love. Many people in pop culture also embrace the masculine energy more than the feminine and are praised and loved for it, seen as a “strong, independent woman”: Rihanna, Beyoncé, Madonna. Others who oftentimes showed more feminine energy were also often criticized: Taylor Swift (back in the day), Britney Spears.  And even when it comes to sex, I observed women wanting to experience sex in a more “masculine” way, without emotion, without bonding, just the pleasure but not the deep emotional connection. I didn’t feel drawn to that type of sexual pleasure - intimacy was a big thing for me and I couldn’t see myself having sex without emotion - but since I had such fear of intimacy, I kept away from sex. I only had sex once in my life and it was a bad experience. Still, I felt like this was also a stupid thing, that I should be like other women who had casual sex. Instead of owning my feminine energy who craved love and affection, I thought it was silly and that I wasn’t as confident as other women. Now I’m beginning to understand that so many of my blocks and fears regarding sex, intimacy, love come from me denying my feminine energy. Being a “needy” woman was always a horror to me. I didn’t want to be that girl. And of course, being too needy and clingy is also not healthy - but not allowing yourself the feeling of needing someone, that is also not harmonious. The key is finding the balance, the yin and the yang.  Exercises I’m doing now to connect to my feminine energy:

+ HONESTY. I’m being open, honest, vulnerable with myself. Journaling is key.  + FEEL IT. I’m allowing myself to feel all my emotions. I’m helping myself to release myself from the proud, stiff energy that didn’t let me feel small, insecure, needy, emotional.  + BODY CONSCIOUSNESS. I’m doing a daily yoga exercise to connect to my feminine energy.  + SPIRITUALITY. I’m opening up and connecting myself to my spiritual guides, my angels who will help me reconnect with my inner feminine energy. + MOON CYCLE. I’m doing moon rituals, focusing on my cycle, listening to my body’s changes.  + SEEING FEMININE. I’m surrounding myself with positive feminine energy - through art, movies, music, content from female artists who embrace their femininity. + MEDITATION. I’m doing the daily reprogramming exercise and other meditations to unblock my feminine side. + MANTRAS. I’m doing daily affirmations right before sleep, while waiting and during meditation to reaffirm to my subconscious that it’s safe to reconnect with my feminine self.

[juliunblocked]

Dreams & memories

For me, I feel like when a memory comes up or a dream, I know that my subconscious is connecting with me and is opening up. I see it like a body part that was tense, and then is able to release that tension. I read once that our brain needs to work way more to forget something than to remember something. Some of these memories were maybe pushed aside and "forgotten" to not bother you, a coping mechanism. But now I'm/we're working through that and sort clearing out all that stuff that was somewhere deep inside me. What I try to do is just really analyse how I was feeling in that memory, and maybe figure out why I decided to "forget" this memory. 

Was it because it was painfully embarrassing? 

Did it make me feel small? 

Or did I do something really bad and shameful? 

And then when I understand why I "forgot" it, I try to take that through the reprogramming exercise, to work this out, to let go of the negative feeling that I link to that memory. Sometimes it's not even a negative memory, sometimes I even remember nice stuff, and then I realize that I created drama out of something that was not real, or that I made myself a victim when in fact I wasn't. 

It's sometimes a bit difficult to understand why a memory or dream is coming up (for example, I had a dream where I took off fake hair from my head, like very cheerfully, "oh look, I forgot I had this" and I woke up thinking wtf?? But then I thought: I'm probably just stripping myself off the stuff I don't need anymore, and that's what my subconscious was trying to tell me lol). But if you write it down, and maybe compare to the tother stuff that's been coming up, you can sometimes understand it much better!

[juliunblocked]

Trigger: Judgement and Attachment to Mother

I wanted to share something I've figured out/something that happened thanks to the work (Formula & Magnetism and Unblocked Partnership).

One thing was regarding judgement: I noticed that I have been attracting nice women into my life, but two of them have a very similar trait: they made me feel judged. At first I thought of looking for past memories, to work out my insecurities regarding judgement from others. But I also realized that it wasn't really insecurity that was the problem, but the actual situation of being judged. In other words: when I was by myself again, I wouldn't necessarily care what they thought about me. I'd even shrug it off, like "who cares what they think" - but when I met them again, the judgy looks triggered me so hard. I was really obsessed with figuring this out  and then I asked my guides to just help me out. I immediately thought "just google it" and found Lacy's blog post on "Projections". Wow, what an eye opener! I realized these two women are my mirrors. I feel so uncomfortable and triggered when they judge me, but I do the exact same thing with a few other people! It took a high amount of honesty with myself to realize this - but I give a few friends "judgy looks", I react in the same annoying way, I question stuff they say just because to me it feels weird and wrong (for example, a friend of mine is heavily focused on career and I feel bad for her 6 year old son who doesn't get to spend much time with her, so sometimes I definitely judge her and she definitely notices it!). I always thought of myself of being a very open person who doesn't judge, but I do. Hell, I do. Probably in an even more annoying way than these two women I mentioned above. The same thing goes for owning up when you say something mean or unfriendly - I do this to family members a lot (or rather, I don't) and this new friend made me feel SO uncomfortable when she showed that exact same personality flaw. Later on I was like....duh! The Universe was putting a mirror in front of you, it was so obvious! And your ego was blocking you from seeing it! I think my guides must have been pretty desperate to put TWO women at the same time in my life for me to finally figure this out. I'm so thankful to Lacy's blog and work, it helped me realize this - and that's the first step in letting go of our ego and approaching our authentic self! So happy I'm on the right path!! The second thing was my attachment to my mom that may be blocking me to meet a partner. I realized that while doing Partnership and now I took a few actions to cut off the blocking energy between both of us. One of these actions was to book a flight to Spain and go on a yoga retreat by myself. I'm very excited! And you know what happened: my mom told me she has a date! Omg, so funny & cool! It was like the Universe was telling me: Girl, you are on the right track and you don't need to worry about mama! We got this! Isn't it all so magical? You know what else happened: Mama got two new job offers, so basically she will have such a busy life from now on! This will lead to me not feeling so guilty or bad if I have "my own life" with my future partner and family. But this started happening right after I realized I needed to loosen up our tight link and go on a vacation by myself. So excited for what's to come!!

[juliunblocked]

Trigger: Judgement

In May I realized that I have actually a very strong trigger that recently keeps showing up with a few people. It's being judged and not accepted for who I am by others. How does this happen: A colleague made me feel uncomfortable when she was asking questions about my mother and our relationship - I instantly felt judged, I had a very strong need to explain myself. A girl who I was starting to become friends with - she makes me feel like she is everything I could've been if I had stayed in Germany and not moved abroad, or maybe she is like a version of my past friends during school: she comes from a sort of normal family, she has always lived here, went to school, has her own car and apartment, like that really “easy life”. So for some reason when I’m around her I feel like I have to be extra cool and interesting - like I used to be when I was still in high school. I feel like I can't really be myself. This triggers me a lot. I also felt a strong need to explain myself, when I told her about something I was planning to do and she reacted in a judgy way. So that's when I realized I have this  insecurity or need to be in control of what people think of me. So when did that start being an issue in my life? In childhood it could have been:

+When I was bullied in first grade and felt excluded and like I wasn't part of the others

+When a friend's grandmother judged my mom because she was a foreigner and other friends’ parents didn’t really approach me too much, were rather distant 

+ When all my friends had two parents and most were also German and I was the only one with a single mom and a “half-foreigner”, and sometimes felt like that was shameful or somehow not as nice as my friends' families

+ When I moved to Brazil and suddenly felt like I was weird and I had to be extra nice to everyone because I was "the new girl" and it was my job to make new friends

But after thinking about all of this a lot, I realized there weren’t many of these occasions, except later on when I struggled with “cultural shock” in Brazil. So in fact, most of the "being judged" feeling was in my head. My friends didn't care about the fact that my mom was single and divorced, in fact, they liked my mom and often said that she was cool and that they preferred going to my place than to theirs. 

Exercise, to take away the power from "being judged" feeling:

Stop explaining myself - my actions, my choices, my interests. You don’t have to convince others that what you’re doing/enjoying is acceptable. You are the one who has to be happy and if others don’t understand you, it’s not your problem.

I will remember that my life story is different yes, but it's extraordinary and special. People actually feel impressed by my life. It's not ever something to be ashamed of. There is no normal life.

I will share more about myself, I will open up more, because I want to release the power of that stuff that is holding me back.