jupietersky-blog

[jupietersky-blog]

Joke is on me.

J.

We had that conversation about “us” before you left the city for work somewhere at the end of May.

You gave so many reasons why you almost asked me to be your girlfriend but you didnt. You said that there were too many things in the way, like your new job, like you will be away from town, the long distance and the uncertainties. But to me, if you had asked me to be your special someone, I would have try my best to make the long distance work but you didn’t even want to “try”. 

After you left, you texted me on regular basis, albeit lesser. Occasionally more when I threw stupid tantrums. I wonder when will you decide to stop entertaining me or my tantrums. Surely you have your limit. I’m rather surprised that we’re still texting. 

Today, 16/6/18, we met since you came back for the festive holidays. You slot me in on 1 day, no ... for 6 hours .... in your 4 available days. You said that you have houses to visit... and secretly I wished you have invited me. I know it’s stupid of me to expect this but I cant help it. So, for this “meet up” (I no longer know if this is a date?)..... we had some sushi and watched the incredibles 2. As usual, we are watching your favorite movie (never my favorite movies). I’m not sure why do I give in all the time... I guess it’s because I liked you. 

You used to text me and tell me you had fun , and hope to see me again. You no longer do that. You no longer take my picture with your phone, despite seeing me once in a blue moon. I guess, you’re not that into me anymore.

To be honest, I don’t think you liked me that much anyway. If you do , that 45 minutes distance would mean nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I guess we’re never meant to be. To be honest.. you’re still looking for a better girl. And I know I am not her, or else... you would have asked. 

It’s okay. You’re not that of a good catch either. All talk and no action. I wonder when will be the next time I write a post about you. 

Signing off,

Jupietersky.

[jupietersky-blog]

Food partner?

J .

U have chosen your words loosely or.. did u really mean it? That I am a mere.. food partner? Who does that??

Truly I am disappointed. 4 months of dating you and turned out I am just a food partner. I dont really know what to feel. After E, this seems like a joke.

P/S : E wished me on my birthday but not u J. What.the.fug.

[jupietersky-blog]

Aint tripping.

I am not tripping coz I'm not feeling.

Focus on what's important and lasting.

Jupietersky.

[jupietersky-blog]

Phase 2.

Phase 2 with J.

It's starting to begin to feel like the ending with E. Could I be wrong?

#suppressyourfeelings.

#expectnothingfeelnothing.

[jupietersky-blog]

More so.

J.

13/12/2017, 7pm. Our 4th date. We had an hour long dinner at Nandos right before our movie , Star Wars The Last Jedi. It feels comfortable talking to you. Not much awkwardness. I feel as if I am talking to an old friend. We could throw lame jokes and laugh at each other effortlessly, or so I felt. I am really glad that you dont even look at your phone whenever you are out with me. I respect that, a lot.

And oh, you gave me my first ever Christmas present - a home made fruitcake and a pentorch. Interesting choice of gifts. I would say I am quite surprised to be getting a pentorch but I'm glad you thought about giving me a gift (when I actually didnt even think about getting one for u). I doubt I will ever use thst pentorch at work. Too precious to be lost.

Then we watched Star Wars. I like the feeling of watching movie with you. You interact. You talk. Joke. Communicate. It felt real. I hope it was real. You were surprised that I didnt watch episodes 4 5 6 yet. You said you would watch them with me next week and I seriously cant wait.

Boy, I think I really like this one. I hope you stay.

Signing off with a glimpse of hope,

Jupietersky.

P/s: Did I mention that E approached me again? I gave him the cold shoulders he deserved and it felt Good with a capital G.

#

[jupietersky-blog]

J.

First date. 26/11/17, 1230pm on a bright sunny Sunday afternoon in a container cafe.

The first thing I noticed about him is his height. He's tall. Second thing I've noticed is his cute voice. I wouldnt say manly but cute.

The next thing I noticed is how witty he is. How knowledgable and well read he is. How extensive he knows his stuffs. From general knowledge to medical base. Impressive. For a moment I was dumbfounded listening to his opinions on world finance, communism... and etc. I'm impressed with his enthusiasm in agriculture and how he foresee a future in that sector. This date is definitely different from the previous one (yes the one who broke me.)

I'm not sure if I see u as a friend or something more but it's safe to say I am comfortable with your company. #thisshitisreal.

And I dedicate 'Enchanted' by Taylor to u.

P/S : It's weird and funny that u say I'm a complicated, unique person.

Signing off , jupietersky

[jupietersky-blog]

over u.

i’m over u.

[jupietersky-blog]

Dead remnants

If I delete you from my ig follower , it means I will delete the only remnant left of U in my life.

Part of me dont want to.

But part of me is dying to.

Should I or should I not? Maybe thst is the only way I can truly move on.

Signing off

jupietersky

[jupietersky-blog]

The reasons.

Ur pros:

1.Ur tall.

2.Ur hot. Damn those eyes and that smile. And U've got a good sense of style

3.Ur filial

4. U adore children ( To be honest, I'm not too sure about this one. Was that an act or was it genuine?)

Ur cons:

1. Ur a chronic smoker

2. Ur a chronic alcoholic

3. Ur a player

4. Ur a cold heartbreaker. A ghost

5. U earn lesser than me. (I try not to make this a big deal but since u've hurt me, so here it goes)

6. U have no ambitions. (U can not keep up with my dreams. They're too big for u)

7. Ur selfish

I need to move on. Why is this so hard?

I think about us almost every waking lonely time. It must have been that U walked into my life when I was lonely, filling the emptiness of my mundane life, painting it with colours so bright... And as abruptly as U appeared in my life, U walked away taking it all with U. But little did U know that U took a part of my sanity with U.

Ur instagram is static. Dead. No updates. Nothing. I have this feeling that U have deleted your app on Ur phone since the reason U installed it in the first place was to bait my attention. Congratulations. U have succeeded in whatever U intended to achieve.

P/S to self. Love urself. Stop going back to what broke U. Stop replaying images in Ur mind. He is not worth it.

Signing off

jupietersky

[jupietersky-blog]

a joke.

the god must be playing a joke on me. or was it you, E?

i was perfectly happy and fine with my life until you came and turned it upside down. i wasn’t prepared for the whirlwind you swept me into. you walked into my world and swept me off to lala-land and then you pushed me down the infinite vortex of emotional turmoil. how cruel and how selfish you are. i couldn’t get you off my mind, i just couldn’t. not because i was head over heels in love with you, but because of the way you shut me off. i wasn’t prepared to be hurt that way. no one, and i repeat, no one has ever shut me out like this before and i can’t seem to brain this. why did you do this? i thought you were different, at least, you seem to have your way with girls. you said things we wanna hear but you don’t really mean it, do you? i fathom i should write this down and get it off my chest and get this over with. so here’s our story.

it was a stormy night when i was stucked in this noodlehouse with a friend who casually suggested me to download the tinder app. i did. and that must have been one of the biggest mistake i have made this year. i thought, what harm could an app do to me? i was just swiping for fun, just to see if any familiar faces pop into the screen and suddenly, within less than 5 minutes, i got a match. my first tinder match, and that was you, E. 

you seemed nice initially. polite and friendly. being new to online dating app, i didn’t know what to expect. at that time it seems fun to chat with someone new. someone out of my small circle of friends. being in a new city, i could make do with local friends, i reckoned. and just as i thought, i would have a new ‘friend’. pure innocence or stupidity? sigh.

you seemed to be  so interested in my life. you said i’m too good for you. i’m too nice. you asked me tonnes of questions, sending me links to personality tests, compatibility tests, etc. and you were eager to meet me. i wasn’t really comfortable meeting you at the beginning of the first week so i declined. and when i went back to my hometown for a short trip, the conversation halted for days before you would text me out in the blue again and this time it was like a bushfire spreading fast rapidly. you asked me when will i be back. and not too long after that, we met in a waffle place. you were late for the first date. i waited patiently with a friend, excited to catch a glimpse of you and that friend you brought along with. finally you arrived and i was attracted by your dashing good looks. tall, fit, fair, and attractive. i couldn’t deny it but you do have a charming smile. that night, i spoke more to your friend than you. i thought the date went well, but slightly awkward as you were not actively participating in the conversation. i attributed it to ‘shyness’ or were you just trying to observe me silently? i don’t know. but i guess you liked me enough that you asked me out for a second date. this time around, it was only us in a quaint little coffeehouse along this quiet lane. it was a sunny weekend and i spent 2 hours there talking about my life with you, a complete stranger. a goodlooking stranger who seemed so keen to make me an acquaintance. you shared parts of your life with me, showed me videos of your adorable little nephew. at that moment, i was so indulged into your words that i thought, how lucky i was to have met you. deep inside, i had a good feeling about this new ‘friendship’. you seemed ‘genuine’.

we would text on daily basis, be it morning, noon or night time. it felt like you’re constantly thinking about me, texting me all the time. we would talk about work, family, friends. i thought, oh my god we clicked so well. when i told you i couldn’t believe you did not have an istagram account, you created one the very next day and added a few pictures of yourself hiking, doing charity work, etc. i must say, i was quite flattered and you grew in me. youalso  took pictures of your home-cooked dishes and at that moment, i began to like you, E... i began to really, really like you.

when i added a picture in my instagram, you would reply with a picture in yours, with an almost similar caption. i knew you wanted to catch my attention and i did reciprocate. when you told me you would join me on a hike with my friends, i had butterflies in my stomach. i mean, i barely know you and you seemed so interested in spending time with  me. when i saw you hiking up towards us, i couldn’t help but smiled. seeing your silhoutte beneath that glaring sun, my heart skipped a beat. then, you raised your arm and waved happily at me from afar. i waved back and my smile grew wider. you’re too cute. 

it was on that day i first saw you smoke and found out that you had a tattoo on your back. i didn’t fancy you smoking but that tattoo was smoking hot. i didn’t know if you purposely removed your top to show off that tattoo of yours or what, but you got me. i was attracted to you, mentally and visually. i knew i was looking forward to meeting you again and again and we did. you asked me out all the time. we went for movies, food festival, coffees, late night singing sessions, drinks, fried chicken wings, etc etc. we took a few pictures and i loved them. we walked under the rain in a park, how romantic. when i came back to your city from my short holidays, you picked me up from the airport. i was happy about it ‘cause it made me felt as if you couldn’t wait to see me. it was all good when suddenly, during my study break, things started to feel different. 

the texts were getting lesser and less frequent. it felt as if i was single-handedly trying to keep our dying communication alive. you said you didn’t want to bother me studying. initially i bought that. but i missed having you constantly around, talking to me, asking me what’s up. it’s fine. maybe i should really focus on my exams and maybe you did it for my own good.... 

finally, exam’s over and i’m back to your city. this time around, things were really different. i had this tiny hope growing inside that you will make things official once my exams is over, since we have been dating unofficially for nearly 2 and 1/2 months now. but i hardly get your texts anymore. i put my ego down and i texted you first. multiple times. you replied my questions in a friendly manner but you did not continue the conversation. i wonder, don’t you have anything to say to me anymore? what happened to you, to us? i felt as if i have to work hard to keep things going. you were confusing me with your silence. then suddenly, for 3 days in a row, you did not say a single word to me. oh, boy. i was confused. very very confused. i didn’t know what and where went wrong. i didn’t know why you’re doing this to me now. and then i realised, i have been GHOSTED. 

GHOSTED.

GHOSTED.

GHOSTED.

 the initial confusion became anger. i was so annoyed and finally i have decided to cut ties with this ghost. i posted a picture in instagram with a long caption, summarised as i’m moving on bitch. right after i posted that particular picture, you sent a ‘hellooooooooo jupieterrrrrrrrr. what you up to?’ to my whatsapp. i left you for hours before replying coldly. you seemed friendly all of a sudden and i thought, ok probably i was just over-reacting a little too much? i let that go and chatted in my usual manner. things were good for only a few days.

and as sudden as you have approached me, out of nowhere you stopped talking to me, again. cold. aloof. not present. and i tried to reach out to you, again and again by dropping you text messages like hey how you doing today. and each time you would reply in a friendly manner but it stopped there. fullstop. no questions asked. as if you have lost your interest in me. you no longer seem to care about me. have you ever truly cared about me... i don’t know. you made me feel so unappreciated. just when i have finally opened up my heart to you, you decided to shut me out.

i left you to be. i would torment my mind almost everyday, staring at my phone. every morning when i woke up, i would checked on my phone to see if you have finally dropped me a ‘good morning’ text. it felt so foreign not having your attention when i had it so close once.

and one fine day, out of the blue, you asked me if we’re still goin to that festival which we had planned a month ahead. i said ok, still trying to give it a try. i was excited and happy that you didn’t forget your promise to me.

i told myself, right, this festival will be the last day i hang out with this person. if he doesn’t appreciate me, doesn’t show me he truly cares about my feelings, then so be it. alas, i was disappointed.

 the chemistry we had was no longer there. it has vanished. god knows when.

we talked, a bit. he smoked, a lot. after the festival, he stopped talking to me. and me being me, i betrayed myself again. i asked him out for a movie. i told myself again, this time, this time, will be the last time i see him. if he disappoints me again, this will be the END. i have opened the door for him to stab me in the heart that night. after the movie ended, he walked abruptly to the lift . i followed suit. we talked abit about the movie we had just watched. i intended to ask him out for supper but suddenly, he stepped out of the lift at level 1 while i was still in the lift. puzzled. he said hurriedly , throwing quick glance at me , “i’m getting out here. bye.”

and then he vanished into the crowd. the lift door closes. i was surrounded by a few strangers but i felt so alone. my face turned hot, i flushed in anger. did he just leave me there , alone, in the middle of the night? disbelief.

i walked angrily to my car. i felt like crying but i couldn’t. i wanted him to know how annoyed i was and how rude it was to just leave me in the lift by myself. i wasn’t expecting that kind of treatment from him, not when he used to shower me with all his attention and adoration. i picked up my phone and texted him, telling him how i have intended to ask him for a supper but since he left so hurriedly , i guess not. he replied almost instantly. apologizing, explaining why he left, in the text. apparently he had to attend some birthday party but that wasn’t a good excuse to leave rudely. he could have at least told me in person, properly, before he left. but no, he did not. 

ever since that night, i stopped. i stopped texting him. i picked up my ego where i have left them and i hold myself back from the urges to text him. i guess i sank too deep, too fast, in this sinkhole. this so called ‘courtship’ was formed from an online dating app, with no solid base to fall back to . we were not friends to begin with. we were just 2 strangers getting to know each other, too fast, too rapidly. and i fell hard because i thought, it was real. to me, it felt real. the connection we had seemed perfect, like beautiful sparks of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. but like the sparks, it didn’t last. he grew bored of me.

subsequently after that incident, i learnt that he has been actively swiping girls in tinder and and getting it on with girls during the period while he was still dating me. i wanted so much to believe that this was untrue but i have all the proofs. i knew he was trouble when he walked in. dashing, bad boy who convinced me that he is trying to be good. i guess a leopard can never change it’s spots. i remembered asking him once, “how many girls have you dated from tinder?”. “3 to 4″ he replied. “what happened to them now?” i asked. he smirked and said, “sometimes the communication just dies down and then we stopped seeing one another. i’m not in contact with any of them now.”

looks like i’ve been included into that statistic. 

once upon a time, i told myself, if you tell me that you love me, i will love you wholeheartedly despite the many lackings that you have. i will see beyond all those superficial things and give you my heart. i will shower you with hugs, cuddles and kisses and care. 

but now, all i want to do, if i ever see you again, is to flip my hair, not acknowledging your presence, plant my feet firmly to the ground and walk away from you. 

E, i no longer want your presence in my atmosphere. i no longer want to speak to you because you’re toxic for me. i no longer want to wait for your texts. i no longer want to dream about you texting me, calling me, apologizing to me. i guess i have fallen far too deep, far too deep. by writing this long entry, i’m pouring everything that has been bottled up inside of me into this vast space where no one else will read. only bored strangers like you (yes you, the one who is reading this).

E, i’m done having sleepless nights replaying the scene where you abandoned me in the lift. i had wanted to cry, but i have no tears. i don’t know why. i just don’t. anyways, all is good. i didn’t waste any precious tears on you. you may be hot, tall, goodlooking, charming but if you treat a girl bad, you’re nothing. 

p/s to E : i’m sabrina, the amaru of your night.

signing off,  jupietersky.

[jupietersky-blog]

why do memories hurt?

The road is long and I’m driving with a friend. Streetlights hurts my eyes from astigmatism. She’s talking but I can’t seem to listen. Long straight roads like this always get to me. Maybe it reminds me of that night when we were driving out together. Gosh, that’s 3 year ago. But the memories seem just like yesterday.

I remember that downpour and that knocking on my hostel door. There you were, standing with a smile and an umbrella in your hand. So sweet, I thought. As we walk beneath that umbrella our shoulders brushed. Your left arm across my shoulder, pulling me closer so that I don’t drench from the rain. I think I blushed but you wouldn’t have noticed. In the car, you talked nonstop. Typical you. And typical of me to listen more than sharing. I guess at that time I wasn’t really that into you but I enjoyed the attention that you gave me. Selfish, I know. Everytime you spoke, you glance at me with a smile across that lips. Cute, I can see that you’re nervous, trying to get my attention. I gave you 60% of it. 

Flashback to reality. We didn’t make it far. Shutting you out of my life is my utmost regret and for that, I am sorry every single day. I miss that attention, I miss those messages you would send me, I miss those time when you would be worried if I were too busy with work and if I have eaten, I miss you dropping chocolates in the pockets of my labcoats, I miss seeing you around in the ward, I miss the way you look at me and made me feel so special, I miss that concerned look on your face when I was in trouble, I miss having you around me. Above all, I miss our forgotten time together. 

I was too busy searching for shooting stars and I have missed out on the one standing right in front of me. I’m sorry that I still miss you. Somewhere deep inside, I hope you miss me too.