just-barry

[just-barry]

My language learning mindset swings wildly between “I’m learning a lot and this is fun I can do this” and lying facedown on the floor sobbing and asking God why he allowed man to speak

[just-barry]

This is Tiny Habits, made free and digestible to all. I needed this reminder.

here's some more unsolicited adult advice as someone in her 30s who knows there are a lot of twenty somethings and teens that follow her: if you're trying to build a new habit you really want, and are struggling, you have to break it down to the smallest building block possible. If you're failing, you haven't thought small enough. I know it's possible to hear stories of people who just snapped into new life mode one day by "just deciding", but truly what's happening there is a confluence of events and experiences that force the brain into some sort of epiphany. You cannot will an epiphany. It'll never work. For most times of your life, you will need to build habits intentionally, and that means not working against yourself and to set micro goals. like laughably tiny goals. because once that easy tiny goal is met, you can build off it, tiny goal after tiny goal until you reach your big goal.

so for example, if you want to be a morning person that gets up at ass crack dawn so that you can work out, eat brekkie, shower, and get to work at a leisurely pace, and you're not that person because you will hit your snooze button 800 times, you have to get the big picture goal out of your head. think smaller. "I want to get up 15 minutes earlier than I normally do." If you can't do that, make it 5 minutes. "I want to cook breakfast every day" hell no too big. "I want to eat something, anything, before I leave the house" hell yeah, fantastic. When you go to the grocery store to make sure there are things in the house for breakfast, if you keep buying bagels and microwave sandwiches that you ignore, you gotta think smaller. SMALLER. What's something so easy to eat that you'll never say no to. Is it a yogurt? Is it a handful of grapes? Is it a hostess ho ho? is it hot cheetos? FORGET the big picture of the fantasy put-together woman preparing a full nutritious meal that you'd be proud to admit to. Think only of the smallest goal you can achieve. If you know you can't say no to an ice cream sandwich, put a ton of ice cream sandwiches in your freezer and have one for breakfast every day until it's so instilled in you that you gotta get up to eat something you can start diversifying.

It sounds like, from the lack of habit place, that must take forever. But really it doesn't take too long to form the habit once the discipline kicks in. the trick is that you have to give your brain something easy to become disciplined to. If it's too hard, think easier and smaller. No one has to know. Literally no one in the gd world has to know that for 4 weeks when you were 22 you had an ice cream sandwich for breakfast every day. who cares. If it gets you eating oatmeal with fresh fruit in a few months who cares. you did it, yay. smaller, easier. if you can't do it, think smaller and easier. smaller!! EASIER!!! You are not thinking smaller and easier enough. break your brain thinking how small and easy you can go. SMALLER. EVEN SMALLER, SIS.

[just-barry]

When I die, I want two things for my funeral. One, donations to the local food bank instead of flowers. Two, all displayed pictures of me must be selfies I've taken with my cats.

[just-barry]

This is the same mechanic behind anxiously attached people chasing avoidantly attached partners instead of securely attached partners. Emotional stability feels so foreign that it becomes a turn-off.

touch-starvation needs to be written with emphasis on the starving part. you are hungry to be touched. so hungry that even the very taste of it makes you nauseous. it has been long since anything has ever touched you, ever fed you - that your body has grown more used to that gnawing emptiness more than anything else. it's better for you to be held, to eat but it makes you sick to try. you know

[just-barry]

Mental Health and Doing the Dishes

I've noticed that my mental health mirrors the dishes piling up in my kitchen sink. This makes it a great proxy for how I'm feeling when my feelings aren't obvious and I don't want to sit and think about it.

When I'm stressed by life, I have less energy to clean up after myself. The dishes pile up and I can see it. Eventually I get time to rest (or something gives) and I get the dishes done and I feel better.

The reverse also holds. I'm stressed by the dishes piling up because that's a measurable proxy for how much control I have in my life. Have I been cleaning up after myself? Do I have the space and energy for a more involved meal? Maybe I should stick with instant noodles and air-fryer dino nuggies tonight, then go to bed early.

This comes in cycles. I can't just do the dishes (or the laundry, vacuuming, basic hygiene) and have them stay done forever. Every joy has maintenance. And that's ok! It's the natural way of things, and doing the maintenance means I'm free to add more joy to my life. Doing the dishes is a small price for learning to cook meals for myself.

Bonus thoughts: I try to keep my kitchen sink clear whenever I can. Stage dishes by the sink, but the sink itself is a workspace and it must be ready for when I have time and energy to use it. This also lets me wash a sink-full of things and then take a break. The task naturally divides into manageable chunks and parts of the mess get cleaned and put away.

More bonus thoughts: It's common to wash the thing you'll need soonest first. Prioritize by urgency, right? That's like eating the bread that's going stale before opening the fresh bread, dooming yourself to always eat stale bread. Break that monotony by washing things that won't get used for a while, because they will *stay clean*.

[just-barry]

Cats!

Anyone who knows me knows I love cats. They're adorable weird dumpster goblins who domesticated themselves. Nature's perfect predator, but soft and tiny. You *can* breed them but why would you? A free cat is just as good as an expensive one and they usually cost the same in the long run. And there's something so adorable about a semi-feral neurotic beast that's decided you are a safe place to sleep. "Cat Paralysis" is a real thing, and it's because we need to show that we are a safe place for a wild animal to let its guard down, like we're all indulging a little bit of Disney princess fantasy.

Roughly 8 years ago, I adopted a pair of 7-week-old kittens from a friend who took in a pregnant feral momma. They're nothing like the standoffish introvert stereotype. They need me around and probably love me. I definitely love them.

[just-barry]

First Post, etc.

I was challenged to start a public blog by some friends. They like my life lessons and takes on such. I've meant to start this for years, so here we go!

What to expect? Well, I run a lot and I write software and I watch anime and care deeply about growing as a person. Stuff about that, I guess.