just-some-mad-lads-blog

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We are horrendously lonely

I am not sure we have any friends left that we can really talk to or spend time with besides our partner, and they are, honestly, extremely inconsistent in how much we actually hear from them.

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im full of rage and dangerously stupid but god is holding me back by the scruff of my neck like a kitten

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i know ive talked about this before but we literally have no reason not to bring the original gay flag made in the 70s by gilbert baker back to regular use!

the pink stripe was simply taken away because pink fabric was too expensive to mass reproduce at the time, and the turquoise stripe was taken away for a really odd reason: for the harvey milk remembrance parade in 1979, they wanted three stripes on each side of the street and didn’t want it to be asymmetrical, so they did away with the turquoise stripe. like, they could have fixed it in some other way without removing a whole stripe, but eh whatever history’s history.

the pink originally symbolized sex and the turquoise was for magic/art and it would just be really cool if we could bring both the stripes back into regular use again since there wasn’t any significance behind the removal of the stripes and we’re perfectly capable of mass producing flags with all the stripes again!

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Wine glass full of Mac and cheese garnished with two dinosaur chicken nuggets.

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new year new me *switches*

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You have to learn how to say no without you feeling like you’re being mean. Setting boundaries is how you see who does and doesn’t respect you, your time, or your emotional well-being. Anyone who sees your boundaries and thinks your being mean or tries to push that boundaries is not a person you owe your time or attention.

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30 Days of D.I.D.: Days Twenty and Twenty-One

Day 20: Do you have a favorite book or TV show about or including DID?

No, and I didn't think they even made any kind of media that put us in a good light.

_

Day 21: Tell us about your persecutor(s), protector(s), and gatekeeper (s).

I'm going to include our understanding of what these terms mean as I go, so that anyone who is more familiar with the definitions don't get angry if I interpret something wrong, and so that anyone who's new to all this terminology like us might get some idea of what things mean.

Persecutor (our understanding): an other who causes problems and generally makes life difficult for everyone else in one way or another. Ours is Silver, no doubt. She's a lot better now, though. She's stopped bullying Simon and actually tries really hard to protect him now. She's stopped /purposely/ causing problems for us with friends and family, but her anger is still a substantial issue.

Protector (our understanding): an other who takes in everything, who holds the memories of bad stuff, who continues to endure bad stuff, and who may even seek it out. That's Simon. He's the only one who has ever gone through one of the traumatic things, and he tries to keep those memories from all of us. He has the worst PTSD out of all of us by far, and things can easily set him off. He also has a bad habit of fetishising the abuse we've been through. It's a way of gaining control while still feeling out of control, but it's not ideal.

Gatekeeper (our understanding): an other who has particular control over switches and decides who needs to go out for certain tasks or situations. That's not really any of us in particular, I don't think? We're all pretty good at controlling switches, and of course we know who's best suited to different things.

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end of the year mood

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30 Days of DID: Day Nineteen

Day 19: Have you ever met another multiple offline?

Yes! Our collective boyfriend has D.I.D., as I'm sure anyone actually reading this has already learned. Silver "let slip" a "we" while talking about us, and they picked up on it. They'd already been talking quite a bit about an ex that had it, and of course Silver was asking just a few too many questions about that to be discreet.

Immediately after E or whoever was out asked Silver straight-up if we had it, and Silver was honest, they said that they also had it. Sil was extremely suspicious at first, but the way they described their life and experiences with it so matched ours with it that it was hard to deny.

But Silver's caution was shared by all of us. Freshman year of college (I'm a Junior now), we made a friend who, after we told him about us, insisted that he also had it. We were excited to finally meet someone else like us and got really, really attached to him. Simon fell in love with one of his others, Jasper, a leather-wearing but sweet boy. That "system" is no longer our friend for reasons relating to me not wanting to sleep with the "host."

But since meeting E and company, who is definitely the genuine article, we've had a lot more doubts about that former friend. He still insists that he has it, but we don't know how to "test" whether he was faking to gain our trust or not.

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Me @ 2 am on a Sunday,

"So much food in the fridge but nothing can quell my hunger for REVOLUTION"

...

"Is there like an equivalent for hangry but like where you're depressed?"

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why does using someone’s name in conversation feel so intimate, like the way a touch feels gentle as someone is fixing ur hair or brushing out a stray strand

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I don't know about y'all but

When someone tries to convince me I'm worth something it makes me want to kill myself more

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30 days of DID: day 18

Day 18: what's your least favorite misconception or common misinformed fact spread about DID?

_

Obviously the idea that we're all psychotic murder/kidnappers. I mean I'm a little psycho, but I don't think I'd just kidnap someone for shits and gigs. Murder? Lol who knows

I think in general there's gotta be better representation, no shit, but there's also gotta be a better like database of info bout the disorder. People both with and without it need to understand more than oh there's more than 2 people in a body and there's substantial memory loss and that its caused by trauma, usually during childhood. Cuz that's all found on the internet.

Then we got on here lookin for others like us and felt so outta place cuz everyone else had terms and code words that we didn't understand and every "system" had a minimum of like 10 when we have 3. And people talk bout they keep splitting when we haven't split at all since Simon and I split from each other like 7 years ago.

Like with everything, there needs to be more, better information bout DID readily available. To help us understand, to help them understand, and to make sure they fuckin realize we aren't out to get them

You say you have depression? Ok, that's pretty common and pretty well understood. Anxiety? Shit who doesn't have it. ADD/ADHD? Again, who doesn't (besides us actually). Autism? Still a hell of a stigma but it isn't demonized anymore to my knowledge. BPD? Oh so you're an asshole. PTSD? What, you fought in a war? DID? Schizo? Oh so you're psychotic and I definitely shouldn't talk to you again in fact I'm gonna get you an appointment with a nice padded room rn.

Mental health in general gets so much shit. Decent info and education on these topics would make things so much better for all of us.

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speaking of military i had a couple come up to my job to buy tickets to the gallery and we were all sold out and the guy says “I’m military! don’t you think there’s anything you can do?” and his wife continues, “Yes! he’s active military!” and it took Everything In My Body to not burst out laughing as I repeated that we were sold out