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Discipleship

If you have had your life transformed by Christ, then you have a story worth telling, and it is a shame if you do not tell it. 

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Motivation Through Depression

Depression has this amazing ability to distort reality. During times of depression, it becomes so much easier to forget all of the things that really matter, such as the hurting people around me, who desperately need hope. I lose motivation because life becomes more of a battle, and the temptation to give up becomes much more present. But it is also times of depression that push me harder to find what really matters in order to carry me through these times of hardship. It is during times of depression that I must remember, the darkness cannot overcome the light. 

The Gospel is not something that is pleasant to enjoy on occasion, but is ultimately necessary to live. The Gospel resurrects the dead, and forgives the sinner. I cling to the gospel because without it, I do not have any grounding or direction. Through the years, I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, but as I grow closer to Christ, the more ridiculous these thoughts seem. 

 It is because of the love of Jesus that I choose to wake up in the mornings and get out of bed, and it is because of the love of Jesus that I live a life that is more than the depression that has haunted me my whole my life. 

To truly lives means to step into our true selves, instead of living in the distortion and lies. This becomes harder when depression comes. But when it comes, that is when we must fight to stay in community, and surrender control, admitting that we do not always have everything together. 

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Legitimate Sons

I am undergoing a very painful time in my life as I am transitioning churches. In leaving, I have been rebuked by some in a very painful manner. There is a lot of misunderstanding of my decision to leave. Ultimately, I have made this decision in order to follow God to the best of my ability. I feel that he has invited me into this hardship. 

I remember when I was young, I often wanted to do things that would lead to destruction. I would run away from my parents, completely oblivious of the dangers that lay ahead of me. I would argue with my mom as to why I should play hours of video games instead of do my homework. Had my parents surrendered to my demands, I would have never known work ethic, resiliency, strength, confidence, or really anything good. When I behaved poorly, they would steer me in the right direction through discipline. 

Today, I have come to believe that God knows what I need far better than I do myself. With that has come a peace and security as I can trust him in the most painful circumstances. Often times, I am like that child, making ridiculous demands to my parents, yet he does not submit to them. If I had things my way, I would not experience any sort of pain or hardship. Yet the pain and the hardship are so vital to my relationship with him. It drives me to search, surrender, and seek intimacy with him. When the things of this world work, I turn to him for my security. And so I am learning to welcome pain and uncertainty in my life as I trust that he knows me better than I do. I also trust his goodness as he continues to deliver me from evil. 

4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

Hebrews 12:4-8

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PK

I sometimes am able to operate for a time without feeling the pain of past wounds. It is almost like I have learned to use “emotional adrenaline” to dull the pain. But the adrenaline quickly wears off and then the wound is right there in front of me again. Sometimes after the wound, I have walked with a limp as I have ignored the problem. But as I ignore the problem, it still has power over me and impacts the way I live life. My relationships are impacted as well as my identity. Sometimes I forget the wound and do not know why I do the things I am doing. I forget what caused the injury that causes me to limp.

Then it all rushes back clear as day and knocks me down. It is like standing in the ocean as a wave breaks on top of me. It is often times blindsiding, but sometimes I can see it coming. I have felt this way as I am reading the book, “The Pastor’s Kid” by Barnabas Piper. I have forgotten what it was like to grow up in a fish bowl. There was once a time when everyone knew me, knew my parents, knew my life, even though I didn’t know them. There was pressure to behave a certain way because of the reputation that my dad had. I was expected to be the perfect “PK” or pastor’s kid.

I remember than when he died, I felt a sense of relief in knowing that expectation would no longer be on me and I was now justified to be angry and fall apart. I felt a tremendous amount of shame for feeling this way, but there was some relief in his passing. I no longer lived a life mission that I did not choose. I no longer had to worry about constantly having people over to impress, or feel an isolation from my peers at school in knowing that my family was different. We were a normal family now that was broken. I could finally live up to those expectations which were close to zero.

Today there are lingering aftershocks of being a PK that I am still discovering. It was not all bad. It was amazing growing up in a strong community of loving Christians. God has never not been present in my life. I still struggle with the feeling of responsibility to perform. I always feel the need to be a leader in the church. I feel guilty when I do not know a Bible reference or theological concept. I feel like a failure when someone is more well read than I am in Christian books.

I just want to be a person and live free of being a pastor’s kid. I want to want God because I want God instead of because I am expected to because my dad was a holy man. I want to be a pastor because God has called me to it, not because I need to live up to my dad or prove anything to anyone to get back into that certain of attention. To be clear, I miss my dad so much. I am not happy that he died and wish he was still here. His loss devastated me.

It is amazing how deep my sins and wounds run. I cannot fix it and when I try to, it makes things worse. But where sin runs deep, his grace runs deeper.

So I run to you Lord. I know you know me and you see my pain. I believe that you know me better than I do and that one day, I will be with you and all will be made right and whole. Until then, I will run to you. You are my Father, my Savior, my hope.

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There is such a deep satisfaction in knowing that after having a dark and desperate battle with your enemy, you have overcome and are quickly advancing towards his demise. Every singe day, I am growing closer to God through failure and success. Every single day Satan increasingly loses claim over my life. It feels so good to no longer be powerless.

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Father

It is more painful growing up without a father, than I like to admit. It is longing that effects much of what I do. I find myself, in all my insecurities, longing for masculine affirmation and mentorship. I spend a lot of time reading specific books by specific authors because that is often times the closest thing I can find to dad. As I step into a new chapter of life, I long to be able to share my successes and failures with him, but he is gone. I often shut those feelings off and the result is numbness. It’s not intentional but subconscious. I have become accustomed to avoiding this pain and it manifests itself in strange ways like anger and isolation when it’s repressed.

When I feel the pain and allow the unmet longing to be felt, I grow closer to God. It is a relief more than a burden because it allows me to allow my Father to father me. I do not feel shame for feeling this weak because I know that there are many others that feel this way. It is evident when you look at what happens to fatherless demographics.

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Voice of Truth

I once again got everything wrong. I started school to become a social worker. It has been exciting to be starting on an adventure that I once thought was impossible. College graduation seems attainable and probable instead of impossible. I became so caught up in the excitement of feeling that I now had control of my identity and future. I had a plan and I would make things work out the way I wanted them to. Today I faced a road block as I took my math assessment where I did not test into the math classes needed to make this process smooth and easy. I now have work even harder to get into the required math classes. It is a pretty small road block but I was devastated as I realized that years of half measures and avoidance are still haunting me. I heard the enemies voice come in full force once again telling me that no matter what I do, I am a failure and reminding me of why I have avoided school for the past four years.

As I drove home from school, I drove past places where I spent time with people that I have heart and want nothing to do with me. This just seemed like reenforcement of the feelings of failure that I was feeling. What now? Am I going to go home and drown out these failures by conquering the virtual world of Xbox and watch porn to feel powerful? Should I withdraw from the world and hide in my shame? Seems tempting but I remembered something so much better.

Today I have truth that allows me to deal with failure and set backs by responding by feeling security and strength. The truth is that my identity has nothing to do with my accomplishments and the reason I am going to school is to learn how to more effectively serve God and reach hurting people instead of trying to feel good about myself by being able to show to others my intelligence, accomplishments, and strength. This setback may be a reminder of my shortcomings but there is no shame in it because of grace. I am not a failure because of the cross of Jesus Christ. I am not an orphan because of my Father in heaven. He is not an absent Father but one who pursues me. To him I am his beloved son.

My hope no longer is in this world and that hope allows me to live in this world and do things that were once impossible for me. I know that the feelings of failure did not come from God but came from the Devil who has tried to oppress me from birth. My revenge is righteous and good. My revenge is to live in grace and experience freedom. I choose truth today.

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Stepping Over Bodies

There are so many out there that never find redemption so if you are experiencing new life, treasure it and do not for a moment take it for granted. I have met those who look down upon people less fortunate than them, and I have been guilty and will be guilty of this. Last week, a boy that had gone through the rehabilitation program that I work for, died of a drug overdose. During his life, he tried many times to attain sobriety. I would see desperation in his eyes as he tried so hard, only to find himself drunk hours or days later. His life would fall apart and then he would get another chance, only to destroy it moments later. I do not believe he wanted to die an alcoholic death but saw no other way. This is tragic and horrible. He was not lacking in intelligence nor did he have any deep rooted trauma to justify this. He was a hopeless alcoholic just as I am.

Yet I enjoy life today. I am sitting on a college campus writing this as I enjoy many comforts in my life. I am connected to people and to God. My life is filled with purpose and meaning. Obstacles present themselves often and what used to seem like a reasonable excuse to contemplate suicide is now just a part of daily life. Today I am doing what I once thought was impossible and I am doing it sober.

How can I take credit for such transformation when I am just like my friend who is now dead? How can I possibly look at the things in my life as things I have worked for instead of things that have been given to me? One day everything changed as God fished me out of the gutter and placed me in a place of honor.

I despise the self centeredness that is in me. I act so entitled as I take for granted the gift of life that has been given to me. I do not feel guilty for being sober as he is dead, nor do I feel that I should. Instead, I desire to glorify the one who has given me everything. I hope to share this message with anyone that will listen and believe for we are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of savior. The reality of this weighs heavy as we watch the ones we love die without one.

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Writing

Writing became a safe place for me when my dad got sick. I was blessed to have a dad like him who was not dismissive but patient and tender. He pursued my heart and saw me as more than my mistakes when others struggled to do so. When he passed, I felt that I had lost that and so I turned to writing.

My writing was dark and confused. The ideas I shared were contradictory and portrayed the inner turmoil I was experiencing. It felt as if my heart had been ripped in half and that there was no possible repair for this. I was doomed to walk this life alone, misunderstood. I was orphaned in a world full of people that absolutely had no interest in who I was or what I was experiencing. People were empathetic for a short time, but there came a point where the expectation became a need to function and put the grief behind me. I was a 15 year old boy, cursed with the expectation to be a surrogate father and lead a broken family. As I failed to fill a void I could in no way fill, shame quickly began to become my identity. My writing was a reflection of the anger I felt as I tried to cover the shame. I felt alone as I dealt with an obsession with suicide and death. This seemed the only possible relief outside the drugs that I was doing. Drugs presented me a solution but as my use progressed, so did my isolation from society. My problems, though evaded for a moment, were present every morning as I awoke. Hopelessness seemed to be a progressive reality that everyone would understand if only they were honest with themselves.

Had I not had a relationship with God through that time, I would not be alive today. I had once seen the light and knew that it existed. My relationship with Him was strained and distant. I had a deep rage as I saw everything that I loved in life fall apart and leave me. In my anger, I turned to anything I could that would give me life and found only deeper hopelessness and despair. As I tried to will myself to give up completely, I knew I could not because there was something more. I held onto everything and anything that would numb the pain that I could until it was all taken away. The moment that I lost everything was the moment that I gained everything.

I was sixteen and I was taken from my home by strangers to a program for drug rehabilitation in the desert of Utah. As I was walking from the house to the car that would take me to the airport, I felt peace like never before. I did not have the willingness to let go and follow and I knew that like Jonah, this was my whale taking me to where God wanted me to go. That night, I slept on the ground, under a tarp, in a strange place, in freezing temperatures. That night, my old life ended and my new life began.

Writing is still a safe place for me. As I write, I am able to express myself in a way that I struggle to elsewhere. People are not always there to talk with and often misunderstand what I am trying to say. I also can be very disorganized as I try to share what’s on my heart so this offers a way for me to see what I am thinking and distinguish fallacy from reality. As I write, I feel closer to my Savior. I remember my true identity as an image bearer, son, and friend.

Today I know who I am and who I am is not my accomplishments or characteristics. There is a real sense of security in having an identity that is not determined by finite and fragile things. I slip away from this sometimes but am brought back quickly by irresistible grace.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 7-16

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The beauty of the gospel is so overwhelming. The gospel becomes more and more real in my life the more my life is dismantled and than recreated through discipline and grace. As I have failed so miserably once again, I remember that I am a son of God and that I have a Savior.

I am a substance abuse counselor, CrossFit coach, full time student, son, grandson, brother, tax payer, and friend. I am capable of these things because Christ has conquered the grave and I cannot take credit for any of these things. I was once a miserable human being. I was an alcoholic who had a severe anger problem and struggled constantly with extreme depression and anxiety. I saw no hope for my future other than to die from drinking. I knew that if drinking did not kill me first, I would end up in prison. I was beginning to lose my mind as I spent days awake without sleeping. I was tormented by demons in my sleep and felt incomprehensible demoralization as I woke up realizing that I had to go through another day. This is what Christ has freed me from.

I am a sinner and if it is not one thing, it is another. I cannot carry the burden of my own sin for it is far too much. As I examine the motives of my heart, even if everything on the outside looks good, I realize how short I have fallen. So I no longer desire to find my identity in my accomplishments because they truly are worthless. They are testaments to my doubt, distrust, fear, and weakness. Instead I choose to find my identity in Christ who raises the dead from life. I am a son of God and God is my Father. I am a warrior who fights for his King against evil. I fight for the souls of the broken and hopeless because Christ has redeemed me. I have been forgiven and so my identity is no longer shame but is now freedom. Love is continuing to set me free.

If you do not believe in God this way, please stay open minded. There is something so much better out there that if you allow yourself to be open to, you may find. You may say that nobody can prove that God is real, and I say to you that nobody has to for he proves his own reality. I pray that you find a savior.

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How are you doing?

This truly is a very serious and oftentimes terrifying question to answer. I have lied in answering this question almost every time it is asked. When I am falling apart, it is the question that I fear answering more than any other.

It may not always be super important for me to answer some in depth when they ask me this, but it is vital that I answer it for myself everyday. If I don’t, I might miss the point completely and lose out on joy.

When we become Christians, everything changes. We take joy in pain, find hope in death, and experience God as we lose everything else. Evil no longer has power on us because we now belong to Christ. Today I am doing better than ever in my life, not because of my circumstances but because the truth has set me free. I know who I am in Christ and that has changed everything. I am aware of my desires which are unfulfilled, yet I do not lose hope. It is the pain that allows me to feel alive as it snaps me awake from the comatose state that sin puts me in and points in the direction of what I truly crave which is a Savior. 

I have been addicted to many things. As I have removed something I have been addicted to, I find myself addicted to something else. Today i have replaced my addictions with God. Only he can satisfy my thirst, give me security, and inspire hope in me. 

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I Remember

I truly do not have things together. Right now I am in a place where meditation is difficult because it reveals how broken things are inside of me. Nothing has changed and there has been no extraordinarily difficult obstacle placed in my life. The life I live is absolutely amazing, but this is just a cycle I go through. Evil is present and constant, pummeling me so consistently that sometimes I forget it is even there. Every day I hear lies, interact with people who believe lies, and am surrounded by a world built on lies. It truly is quicker and simpler to stop and fall into what is false than to fight to remember the truth. But to live without truth is truly not living at all. A life without truth is a life of slavery and is meaningless. So today, I repent from seeking distraction before truth and choose to remember.

I remember the God of the universe who created me and not only knows me by name but knows me better than I even know myself. He knows my needs and desires and provides what I need.

I remember my Father who fathers me so that I am not an orphan abandoned to fend for himself. He delights in me in my failures and victories. He is patient and kind and protects me from danger.

I remember the God who in an earthshaking display of love, came to this earth and took the penalty for my sin so that I may no longer be bound by sin. Not only that, he rose again so that I may live free of sin and experience freedom in him.

I remember the God that has never abandoned me even in the darkest moments of my life. I remember the God that welcomes a prodigal like me home with open arm. The God that celebrates my return.

This is truth. In a broken world, truth is faith, hope, and love. And so in my broken heart, truth is faith, hope, and love.

Lord, I come to you because there is nothing better than you. You have promised that you will not leave me as an orphan, and Lord you have not. I am not alone.

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Victory Over Darkness

It is amazing how my view of life and people has changed as I am growing to see this as a very real spiritual war. Today I was distracted and it felt like my mind was clouded as I fumbled through the day. It felt like something was trying to pull me away from my Bible and point me to pointless and meaningless things. I fell prey to it and it wasn’t until 10pm that I realized what had happened.

I had a coworker last week tell me that the age of demons is over. This was shocking for me to hear because of intimate encounters I have had with them. At one point of my life Satan had a much louder and clearer voice than God so much so that I thought that I did not hear the voice of God. I never saw them but their voices clouded my head, taking the place of my thoughts. They would torment me, telling me how worthless I was and how hopeless life was. I would make agreements often with them now knowing what was really happening. I thought I was just struggling with depression and anxiety.

The truth is that I was feeling a tremendous amount of pain following my dad’s death and was looking for relief from it. This was a perfect opportunity for Satan to capitalize on and he successfully attacked me bringing myself and my family to our knees. Fortunately, I had come to know God at an early age and he was no absent in my life. As I hurt, I cried out to him and he came to my rescue. It was a long and painful process and I am still looking to dismantle all the strongholds I have given over to the enemy. But God came when I called to him and he restored me. God comes when I call and he restores me.

Satan wants us to forget the battle we are fighting and get lost in the pain and loss. What is amazing about Jesus Christ is that he offers us the power to completely defy our environment and circumstances. Because of Jesus, the blind see and lame walk. I have seen these things, and have even directly experienced them myself. I have seen the depressed find hope, the anxious find confidence, the lost find direction.

A man lost his horse when the horse ran away. When the neighbor saw this, he came to the man and said, “Well it’s bad luck you have lost your horse. The man replied, “What do I know about these things?” The next day the horse came back with twenty more. The neighbor returned and said, “It’s not bad luck, it’s good luck.” The man said, “What do I know about these things?” The man’s son is going and taming one of the horses. The horse kicks him and breaks his leg. The neighbor once again comes and says, “It’s terrible that your son has broken his leg and bad luck that the horses came.” The man replied once again, “What do I know about these things. The next day a local gang came through the village looking for recruits. They quickly passed by the man’s house when they realized that son had a broken leg. The neighbor came back and said, “It’s not bad look it’s good luck.”  

In a small series of events, we cannot predict what will happen. Why don’t you wait until you stand before God face to face to have all these questions answered? You will find that there was a reason why God did not stop that man from pulling that trigger so that you could see heinousness of evil and majesty of almight God. -Ravi Zacharias.

Bad things happen to Godly people, but the bad things do not have to discourage us because there is something so much more than good fortune that we can cling to. We must cling to our identity and the identity of God with desperation for there is power in knowing who we are and who He is. In know our identity we can experience true security. “If our God is for us, who can stand against us (Romans 8:31).”  Satan will throw everything he has at you to throw you off and distort your image of God and self. That is why God’s word is so valuable because it keeps us rooted in who God is. That is why meditation to actually hear what is going on inside your head and trying to understand why is so important. That is why Christian community is vital to help you discern what is true and what is false. The second you accepted Christ into your life, you ceased to live alone.

In knowing these things, my life has changed and miracles have become a common occurrence.  

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Power of Confession

One of the greatest opportunities I have is the privilege of listening to people’s confession for the first time. I prepare them for the process by giving them tools to look back through their life at the things they have done and that have been done to them. They first get it on paper, then begin the freeing process of admitting the darkest parts of their lives to God, themselves, and me.

As I listen, it becomes apparent why this person has such a hard time trusting God and has tried desperately to control his life. His world view has been shaped by neglect, abuse, and abandonment. These things have isolated him from his peers and now he suffers from terminal uniqueness as he holds onto secrets that he believes nobody else struggles with. Every time I listen, the other person feels shame around his masculinity, sexuality, and identity. The person is ashamed of who he is. He is afraid of failure not because failure hurts, but because of what failure says about him. If he is rejected by a girl, betrayed by a friend, or abandoned by an adult, it only confirms the horrible feeling he is feeling inside that he does not have what it takes and that there is something deeply wrong with him.

As he admits the depths of his brokenness, I remember the depths of my brokenness and the healing that I have found through Jesus Christ. It brings me back to when I was a 17 year old boy, filled with shame and convinced that I my identity was a complete failure that was not worthing loving. I see the work of the enemy very clearly in his life and get excited because there is not any better opportunity to share truth of about God and fight for his soul.

I love these moments because the darkest moments in my life become opportunities to defeat terminal uniqueness and isolation. Because of my awareness of own brokenness and desperate need for Jesus, I can meet him where he is at in his hopelessness and speak life to him.

When we hold onto secrets and shame, we are left alone with Satan and are separated from the glorious love of God. “For now there is no shame for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8.) We must bring those things that are in the darkness into the light so that they may have no more power over us. God wants to give to you, but you have to let him.

1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;    he heard my cry for mercy. 2 Because he turned his ear to me,    I will call on him as long as I live. 3 The cords of death entangled me,    the anguish of the grave came over me;    I was overcome by distress and sorrow. 4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:    “Lord, save me!” 5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;    our God is full of compassion. 6 The Lord protects the unwary;    when I was brought low, he saved me. 7 Return to your rest, my soul,    for the Lord has been good to you. 8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,    my eyes from tears,    my feet from stumbling, 9 that I may walk before the Lord    in the land of the living. 10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,    “I am greatly afflicted”; 11 in my alarm I said,    “Everyone is a liar.” 12 What shall I return to the Lord    for all his goodness to me? 13 I will lift up the cup of salvation    and call on the name of the Lord. 14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord    in the presence of all his people. 15 Precious in the sight of the Lord    is the death of his faithful servants. 16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;    I serve you just as my mother did;    you have freed me from my chains. 17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you    and call on the name of the Lord. 18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord    in the presence of all his people, 19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—    in your midst, Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.[a]

Pslam 116:1-19

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Do not Forget

It is easy to become discouraged because we are surrounded by darkness but we are not in darkness for we are in Christ so we do not have to become discouraged. Discouragement is a choice, but so is fighting to follow Jesus in the most painful of circumstances. As you fight, you will find that faith comes alive and you will begin to know peace like never before, matching calamity with serenity. Following Jesus may not take the pain away like a drug because God is not to be used at our convenience, but through him, we can find strength to handle any situation. Surrendering your life to our Father in Heaven will not take away your problems, but will offer you a solution to all your problems because our God is far greater than any problem we may face.

We forget so often that we are the condemned, on their ways to the gallows, that are pardoned moments before they were supposed to take their last breaths. The peace that we so unfairly enjoy today in knowing that we are forgiven has nothing to do with our actions and everything to do with Jesus. If you have any inkling of a belief that you have done something to earn grace, then you are completely missing the point. So check your heart and your motives, because it is a shame to miss the joy that comes with complete brokenness before God because what comes with complete brokenness and complete surrender is complete forgiveness and grace.

As you sit comfortably in your church, judging how evil those are outside or even the ones inside are, remember that you too were once dead until Christ gave you life. You are not enjoying a new identity in Christ because you are smarter, stronger, or better in any way. Do not take credit for the work of God because you yourself do not have the power to change anyone, not even your own sinful heart. Only Christ has that power. Remember though, that you have crossed over from death to life and now you are free to be who God created you to be.

24 “Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life. 25 Very truly I tell you, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. 26 For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself. 27 And he has given him authority to judge because he is the Son of Man. John 5:24-27

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I have had my heart broken a few times through my life. As I listen to more and more people’s stories, I know that everyone else has as well. 7 years ago, my dad died and my heart was broken. Following his death, my family was thrown into disorder and chaos. All the feelings of loneliness I had felt growing up only seemed to be confirmed as reality by his departure.

Seven years later, the loneliness is not there in the same way. It has been very difficult growing up as a man separate from my family. I have gotten myself into a bit of trouble and my most recent misadventure involving a girl I carelessly gave my heart to in an attempt to find intimacy and fight those feelings of loneliness. But that same loneliness is far less present today, even as I look back at my life since my dad’s death. Something deep inside me has shifted. Where I was once plagued by depression, today I have hope. Where I was once plagued by fear, I have confidence. Where I was plagued by despair, I have joy.

God changed my heart and he showed me how to love again through the way he has pursued and loved me. If you trust, he will for you as well. He revealed to me my sin through truth, and as I surrender to him in complete brokenness, he tells me that I was his son. I once was orphaned, but that day is no more. My Father has taught me that there is hope in the heartbreak because joy is soon coming.

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.” John 14:15-21

[justabewilderedblogger-blog]

We must believe in the true gospel of Jesus Christ. There are many false gospels preached, and I sometimes preach to myself a false gospel. The true gospel exposes fully my sin and inadequacies to the point where it is sickening to examine the motives of what drives me to do the things I do. Even at my best, when I am looking fully to serve others, I fall short. 

When I refer to the true gospel, I refer to the gospel that tells us of our full need for dependence on God. Our need is shown through our evil motives as we place demands on God and the things that surround us. We become angry at the Lord of Heaven for not doing what we command. We are like Peter, who denies his Savior even after all the Jesus had done for him. 

Do not be afraid to look at your sin, even though it is incredibly painful as it dismantles our pride. As you realize the sickness of your heart, you will realize your need for Jesus. As you realize your need, you will find yourself free to truly surrender and you will begin to finally understand grace and the true sovereignty of God. 

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,    according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion    blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity    and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions,    and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned    and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict    and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth,    sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;    you taught me wisdom in that secret place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness;    let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins    and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence    or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,    so that sinners will turn back to you. 14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,    you who are God my Savior,    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 15 Open my lips, Lord,    and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;    a broken and contrite heart    you, God, will not despise. 18 May it please you to prosper Zion,    to build up the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,    in burnt offerings offered whole;    then bulls will be offered on your altar.