justanobodyiguess

[justanobodyiguess]

By Kasia Babis

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #35

Dear G,

I feel like the Earth started rotating again.

I feel like this is the start of something new. Of something better.

I’m terribly afraid.

I had given up. I thought our friendship was part of the past and that me pursuing you would’ve actually made things worst. You had a new life, you’d built something for yourself and I had no right in perturbing it. Maybe I was giving myself excuses to gave up without having even tried. Once again.

But you texted me. (or my sister to be exact). I didn’t wait. I didn’t hide. I texted you back and now we’ll see each other soon. I feel high. I think I’ll bring you the letters. I really think I should... although I’m scared. Especially because of the one about your boyfriend. But I owe you honesty, that’s the least I can do.

If we really wanna do this, you deserve to know it all. The good and the bad. And that letter was bad. I’m sorry for what I said about your boyfriend. I don’t know him. And I guess I still feel protective over you. Or maybe I’m just selfish and I wanna be the only one to keep you... so why have I been so distant? I don’t know either...

I’m stressed. I can’t stop thinking, my mind is racing. All the possibilities, things could go a million different ways. And I’m scared it’ll go bad. I’m afraid I’ll disappear again like I did last time. Or worst, that we won’t work out. We’ve always been so different but now even more. I wanna be your friend without betraying who I am pretending to be someone I’m not. And I want the same for you. I wanna be honest but I’m afraid it’ll drive you away. Because I don’t have a reason for what I’ve done to you. For abandoning you.

I was immediately worried. I couldn’t figure out why you’d still be looking for me. After all this time haven’t you been able to find a better friend than me? Knowing how horrible I’ve been to you it made me feel sad. All this time I wasted assuring myself that you’d have easily find a better friend. But you were still looking for me. At least there’s your boyfriend.

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #34

I just found pieces of my diary from London in mom's folder. Everytime I find something she kept from that time, I feel violated. When I was smashed on drugs. What I did with my money. I feel like she stole part of my memories and that she made it her own. Everytime it happens I just wanna close myself even more. I want to invent a new persona so that she never gets to know the real me. This feeling of betrayal cuts so deep even if it happened years ago everytime I'm reminded of it, it's like the wound never healed. It's Christmas time and I feel like they'll never be enough Christmasses to forgive her. Or my sister. Or London. Or my roomate. My phone is dying again while I'm telling the truth....this feels so familiar.

[justanobodyiguess]

[justanobodyiguess]

Sauvegarde #33

Je suis nulle.

Y a pas d’autre moyens pour expliquer à quel point je suis une ratée.

C’est difficile d’expliquer ce qui se passe dans ma tête ... pour pouvoir l’expliquer il faudrait que je le comprenne entièrement et ce n’est pas le cas.

Je laisse tomber. Tout le temps. À chaque fois je laisse tomber. Comme cette lettre... j’veux même plus la continuer...j’veux m’arrêter, j’veux me distraire pour pas affronter ma réalité. Parce que si je suis arrivée jusqu’ici, ce n’est que ma faute.

J’ai rien fait pour réussir. J’ai pas essayer. J’ai fait aucun effort. Et c’est parce que je pense plus de ce que je fais. Je réfléchis si loin que j’ai l’impression d’avoir déjà fait. Puis je n’fous rien.

À chaque fois que je sors de ma tête j’me retrouve toujours au même endroit. Sans avoir fait aucun progrès. Je stagne et je pourris interieurement.

Je ‘arrive pas à m’appliquer plus de 3 minutes. Je dois me distraire. Je ne veux pas me concentrer je ne veux pas penser je veux échapper à moi même.

Je ne sais plus quoi faire et le temps passe. Je vieillis mais je ne change pas.

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #32

Birthday. The day started nice, it seemed like I'd have a sweet and serene birthday. ... It ended up being sad and empty. My siblings were abroad. Someone (not me) had the idea of doing a video chat...we added my uncle's family as well. It was mess. A cacophonic mess. Everyone was talking over each other and not in a funny way.... My mother was only speaking to her brother or son while telling me what to do to put on a good show for the camera. No one was "present in the moment"....my moment.. It was sad. The gifts even sadder. I had a copy of my brother's gift and my own gift basically. Both the wrong size ironically enough...both too big. I would have been happy with some plants...some flowers.... a card.... a promess. I wanted love, some attention... something that said "I know you and I love you". I got "let me joke around with my son instead" and "I'm too busy to love you" and "here, I paid for something you wanted to buy and that's your gift..I'm thoughtful right?" I didn't think I had any expectation for this birthday but considering my saddened disappointment maybe I had... What does this say about me? Who knows... I'm sad. I'm 22.

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #31

No energy. I've been diligent, I'm keeping up the fasting journey so far. 2 weeks maybe? Some biscuits binges in between.... I don't know if that counts. It's friday thought and I've been fasting 20 hours everyday since monday. I have no fucking energy. I can't focus. I feel sleepy. I'm not productive at ALL. I think I'm a little sick but I don't know if that's because I smoked the other or because I went swimming or because I caught a cold walking to school in the morning. Or maybe it's because I've been waking up to 5am everyday. Everytime I read my brain wants to go to sleep. I didn't really think this through...I liked the fact that I had extra time because I wasn't eating but thia extra-time can't be used so I'm confused on what to do. Realisically I don't want to loose weight badly. I just want a better body. No cellulite. No flacid ass. (Using her words). Flat stomach. Yeah I think I'm confusing empty stomach with flat stomach. I need to change my plan. I need to exercise more. Be more keto-focused on what I eat. I know it's gonna be hard. Going all in is much easier for me. This is gonna be hard. I need to control myself while I'm eating. Which is my biggest struggle. I gotta dance everymorning at 5am. Get my body moving. I really like doing that...it's me, alone, while everybody's sleeping. And I'm wilding out. Feeling good. Feeling sexy. It stays my secret, nobody can see me. It's only me. I have to do this everymorning, new routine added to waking up at five! I've done it a couple times previously but this morning I felt really sick. I gotta brush my teeth doing lateral butt work 3 times a day...maybe nrxt month I can add in weights... Going to the swimming pool....streching....sports with her....ice skating I gotta change strategy because having no energy is fucking useless. I have to make this work. I've come so far. I'm making progress. But this won't work as a permanent solution. If I keep on not doing shit (because I can't) I'm gonna get depressed real soon... Then it's back to square one. Working out a little more would also give me a little extra energy but I know how hard it is for me to actually pull it off.... I have so much to do still to get where I want to be. I've done nothing really....it's overwhelming. It's like I have a never ending to-do list in my head that always reminds me how much of a failure I am. I also want a boyfriend. I want to feel someone...I want to be touched and I want to touch someone myself...I want company... I want a friend...I think of D...I think of G....I wish I had the courage to simply talk to her... reconnect...feel part of something.. Mine is such a lonely way to live.... God what is all this for?

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #31….ish

New bigger and harder binge.

I’m starting to be very unoriginal, I get it.

I don’t even really want to write this to be honest…. I wrote another entry that got deleted because I tried to post it wothout internet. I was never able to recover it after that.

I’m stressed. I don’t want to think about my situation… but there’s so much going on at the moment. I’m always paranoid that someone I know is reading this… don’t know my sister maybe… if you are I fucking hate you…

So many things…

My deadly binge…

My mom stealing again… our talk… my ultimatum….

My next school trip….

My sister leaving…

The trip to BCN….

My depression i guess.

[pause]

First I’m gonna try to remeber what I said in the last post. It was the last two hours of school and because my fasting I couldn’t focus at all. Couldn’t read. Couldn’t write. I was just floating around in my head without being able to be somewhat productive. So I started discussing with myself the changes I should be making to avoid not being productive. Because the point of all of this is getting my life together and start soing something subtstantial with it. I don’t want to be in this limbo of not-doing-shit or going-with-the-flow type of thing. I gotta be productive otherwise this all pointless. Well I was thinking I should eat more but compensate it with some exercise….you guessed it….my disfunctional brain saw one opening and took the opportunity. This weekend was a pig feast. I ate all the carbs I had in my house: baguette bread, loaf bread, crackers, buiscuits, tiny cakes, cake from the neighborhood…cheese, butter, oil….a fucking mess. My stomach is trying to recover still and just listing all this stuff gives me nausea. The most interesting part is how my brain convinces me. I have the two voices “I want to binge” and “No don’t” and the binging impulse kinda smears the other one away…I have no other word but smear to describe it. It covers my “don’t” impulse by dulling it somehow…like if it was saying “shhhhh” to it and then puts it to sleep. This always happens in the weekend by the way. I feel like my body automatucally gets overwhelmed during the weekend and feels the need to dull it by eating, overfilling, binging…. it still comes back to the same basis: not being productive. It’s always the same feeling that starts it all. “I haven’t done shit” and “I have so much shit to do”. The order is really ambivalent… I’m digressing…. I need a new plan of action…although I see a huge potential obstacle: the school trip. I’m really not thinkinh to much of it but still I know it’s not gonna be easy. My last post was recovered and it’s fucking depressing to read. I’m enthusiast. I’m planning something to make it work and I threw it all away. I forgot to mention that I even had boulimic episode this weekend. IT HADN’T HAPPENED IN A LONG FUCKING TIME. I was feeling so sick I needed to let it all out. I think I’m gonna keep going with the fasting except I’ll add fruits to my coffee to get some energy in the evening. October will be the month with evening fruits and substantial exercise: - mandatory morning dance (weekend included) - 3 teeth brushing with SIDE LEG a day - 1 swimming (monday) + 1 walk back (thursday) per week - alternated squats -prepare and study a keto diet for november. I think november should be like a soft keto with more exercise (like teeth brushing LEG SIDE with weights), squats 2-1 and morning streching. Then dicember is hard keto. I think I'm done for now.

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #30

Harder Binge.

Of course things went south today 'cause why else would I be writing here...?

I really should use this to remind myself of the progress, even if small, that I'm making...but today was really bad. Very bad. Like my stomach hurts kind of bad. The real issue isn't just that, I haven't been at all productive today. AT ALL. I started well, woke up at 5 am like I've surprisingly doing for the past two weeks but then I ate like 6 really fat and heavy cookies at breakfast and it really threw me off.

[went to sleep]

I kept filling up and filling up of cookies, cheese, bread and small sugary cakes. I truely went over board. I’m worried about my skin... I’m worried I’m gonna have multiple pimples in the next few days... which is sad considering my skin was doing really well lately. I don’t get it. I can fight through hunger easily during the fasting stages and all but once I start eating it’s really hard to stop. I have to teach myself restraint because I can never seem to only eat one cookie. Or one slice of bread.

Those cookies my mother’s friend made are a real trap. I know they’re there and I get obssesive. They’re not even that good but I cannot stop at just one. Then my brain goes “you fucked this up so might aswell fuck EVERYTHING up”. And I comply....

I don’t know how long my body will handle these ups and downs for but I know this can’t be good in the long run.

I can confirm that I get fake-hungry when I’m unproductive or when I’m feeling stuck. Which is exactly what happened this weekend. I did nothing and I’m stressing out over it.

Overall I am loosing weight and I’m being organised but these small step backwards feel like all I’ve done so far is for nothing. I feel like all these little things are useless and I’m still stuck at being totally unproductive with my life. Which I know is a lie but it still feels likethe truth.

I think I’m also thrown off by the fact that my sister is here. I’m slighly annoyed by her presence. I can’t wait for her to leave this house. I don’t know how things got to this point between me and her. I think I’m only starting to see her true colors now. I’m ever so slightly more confident and I don’t feel like I need her as much. Which is good but also sad. Sometimes I wished she’d just tie the knot with her boyfriend so I don’t have to worry about her anymore. I honestly don’t care anymore. I thought he was just a bad influence on her and that he was slowing her down in her accomplishments but I’m starting to see that she’s really her own big obstacle in life (same for me which is why it’s so clear to me now) so I don’t think his presence is really making things worse or slower for her. If anything she’s enjoying her own slow descent in failure whereas I’m not at all.

I feel myself being more and more disappointing everyday and it’s killing me. Actually it wasn’t as bad these last couple weeks but today it’s all crumbling down again.

I’m glad I’m not a burden to my sister anymore... I bet she feels more free. It’s kinda sad the price for it was our relationship. I mean the only way I got to let her leave the way she wants without bothering her is to stop caring myself. It is the way it is.

I have been keeping up with some occasional physical exercise, with the 5 am thing, my nails (I’ve been trying at least), did two drawings so far and I haven’t missed a class these first two weeks.

I gotta do better though. I have to shake off this feeling. I have to be quicker in what I do. I have to be more efficient. I have to believe in myself. I have to push myself.

Also I want a boyfriend. I wanna fuck.

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #29

Hard Binge.

It has been over a month since I last hard binged... maybe two months.

I want to write about this because putting this under the cover of “unwanted memories” isn’t going to help me in any way. I can’t ignore this.

It started with a banana. (100 cal)

Then a pack of crackers. (150cal)

A milky bread (?). (90 cal?)

And finally biscuits. You don’t even know how many... 15 I think (about 450 cal)

For a total of 700 cal that I didn’t really want, surely didn’t need and definitely regreted.

I even ate dinner after that. Exceeded on that too and felt like I was about to explode. I layed on the ground because I was feeling so bad.

Because of this mistep everyone of my thoughts is overridden by sense of guilt. Even the small things I accomplish loose value because of it.

Have you been diligently brushing your teeth for a month? Gooood too bad you binged yesterday.

That weight you lost without much effort? You gained it aaaall back with this stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

This is exactly what’s going on in my head.

Which is discouraging and problematic. I know the next thought is gonna be “well you fuck up, everything is ruined, might as well help yourself with another binge. You’ll stop when you’ll stop but for now you can eat whatever you want!”

Your brain really is your worst enemy.

I did found out... or more so confirmed a couple things:

I don’t eat as much when I’m hot. I feel full when the weather is hot which mean I’m more likely to eat when it’s cold. Wich leads me to the conclusion that I should wear heavy clothes when I’m eating.

Teeth brushing is crucial. I’d say that 75% of the left over hunger is gone after brushing my teeth. The lazy feeling of not wanting to brush my teeth also goes hand in hand with lazy eating, which brings me to my next point.

I want to eat when I don’t feel productive. This also means I want to eat when I’m bored and/or stressed which are both feeling consequential to my not being productive.

School is starting again soon and my brain is already feeling “I haven’t done enough I’m screwed”. Which brings fear hunger.

It’s like my brain is already anticipating that I won’t organise myself properly and therefore do a lot of stress eating.

Solutions for these points are:

Do something, whatever as long as it makes you feel productive.

Loose the habit of eating while watching videos, I don’t think this is helping.

Try confronting your brain when it’s stressed. Try with a “factual” talk.

In conclusion I’m afraid I’ll fall into this cicle again with school starting and I need to make an effort to control my brain and my impulses. The only way to be successful in ANY way, shape or (literal) form is to master ones self. I can only do things if I have authority over myself otherwise lazy will always take over.

This month was overall good apart from some mishaps I did eat well, I brushed my teeth, I took care of my eyelashes, I sunbathed regularly, I bought a new Basil (which I’m carefully taking care of) and I did some administrative things that were on my to do list for a long time. I did shit this month and I can’t let my brain erase everything just because of one binge. I can always bounce back. The quicker the better.

What I want to do next month is being able to wake up everyday at 5am and sleeping regularly 8 hours. I’ll have to induce my sleep with exercises instead of daydreaming for hours. Also no screens before bed. I could also meditate regularly for my anxiety... but I don’t wanna strech it. Also butt exercise every other day.

Other goals but maybe for another time is to stop biting my nails.

I have to remeber: the binge doesn’t affect months of work. It onlt affects your brain, your thoughts. Don’t let it manipulate you, be productive instead. The more you do the quieter this small mistake will become.

[justanobodyiguess]

Entry #28

Okay I’ll admit I’m a sucker for journals but if this isn’t karma I don’t know what is.

I’m writing this because I can’t feel guilty about this.

God I’m sick of always feeling like I’m in the wrong when really this isn’t so dramatic.

It’s paper and she’s done worst.

She never gives a fuck about my feelings I don’t see why I need to worry for nothing this time.

I see where I was in the wrong, truely, but I know I’m feeling worst than I should.

She hasn’t looked at that in over twenty-five years. I haven’t touched what she wrote, didn’t cut any page what so ever. Just removed what wasn’t attached.

And honestly for all the bullshit my father wrote I should’ve thrown it away. Or she should have.

At least I would’ve filled that journal with pretty things (...tried at least) and not with cringy lies.

Honestly I’m more mad at myself for not hiding it but she came into my room without a warning. Sonetimes I’m tired of always being wary of people and my surroundings but after a while I realize why I am that way.

No trust is safest.

Remember all the time others went first.

Remember how she loves him more.

Remember she read your secrets.

Remember you’re just a failure to her.

Remember it’s just one more reason not to love you.

Remember it’s just another disappointment.

God why should I feel for others when they don’t do it for me.

If she doesn’t care when I’m hurt, I don’t either.

I doesn’t matter what days those post-it were, because she doesn’t even want to remember.

For fuck sake I bet she didn’t even remeber about that diary if she hadn’t seen it.

Fuck you, I don’t care.