justhiddlesss

[justhiddlesss]

Police

My mom is a police. That's the best adjective to describe her. You tell her something is wrong with you, she gonna police u that you are indeed wrong and u shouldn't feel that way. Lol. She's the definition of toxic positivity. She don't know how to emphatize with people's situation. She's very objective, or maybe, just us, her family.

She'll rain over you the things that you really did wrong and she'll rub it all over your wounds. Lol.

Walang time para malungkot. Walang time para magkasakit. Bawal umayaw. Bawal mapagod. Dapat perfect ka like her.

#redflag

[justhiddlesss]

Broken Chains

Galatians 5:16-17,24 16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 

Year 2019, I was the same year-end speaker for PWOL's Year-end celebration. This was the year after I graduated from college, passed the CPA licensure examination, and was hired by the most famous auditing firm in the Philippines. I shared Hebrews 12:1-3 "12 We have all these great people around us as examples. Their lives tell us what faith means. So we, too, should run the race that is before us and never quit. We should remove from our lives anything that would slow us down and the sin that so often makes us fall..."

I specifically told them to cut/remove everything that slows us down and THE SIN THE SO OFTEN MAKES US FALL. In my case, it's lustfulness. I suffer lustfulness ever since I was a kid. I was exposed to obscene stuff at an early age. No one monitors what I do since my mom was working as an OFW. I was surrounded by men. My dad, my brother, my uncle from my dad's side, and my male cousins.

I vividly remembered that I was the one initiating explicit and obscene videos to them and we were watching it over and over again. I remember one of my cousin says "Tigil na, okay na.."

I was exposed to salacious and malicious content- CDs that my dad or uncle buys that has nude MTVs, movies that has s*x scenes, etc. The worst part is, I've seen my mom's semi-n*de pictures. I also pretended to be my dad when she was sleeping cause I was curious what would she do to me. Part of it was childhood curiosity, and major part of it was the improper upbringing to me by my parents.

My dad was "ordained" as a pastor way back when he was in Japan. He continued it when we found a local church near our 1st house. But, Christianity was never practiced nor applied in our lives in our early years as a family. My dad gets drunk, and my mom is in the entertainment industry in Japan.

Not to mention, I was molested by my cousin when I was a kid. We were inside the van with my family members when I sat on his lap (kandong) and he started fidgeting his fingers down there. I had no idea back then that it was sexual abuse because how old was I? Five? Four? but until now, I still remember it. My parents don't even know this. The only person that knows this was my 3rd bf. And, when the right time comes, I'm going to tell this to my current bf and my parents eventually. *sigh*

So, I think those things contributed to my struggle today and for the past years. I've engaged in oral s*x with my 2nd to 4th bf, then pre-marital s*x with my 3rd & 4th. Note that I was in the ministry while doing this. I still sing and serve every Sunday. I was a complete hypocrite. Yet I tell the youths to cut off every sin that often makes us fall. But look at me, a total plaster saint.

I was coming back to the same addiction~ fantasizing, having lustful thoughts over my bfs, watching p*rn, touching my self for pleasure, reading r18 manhwa/manga. I'm spending hours doing this. And the aftermath of doing those horrible things are terrible. All the guilt and shame are rushing over my head and my body. I have this thinking that whenever I sin, something bad is going to happen, especially with lustfulness.

My current bf knows my struggles and I thank God that he understands me. He sent me a bible verse from 1 Cor 6:18-19 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

And earlier I was so convicted by the Holy Spirit that I prayed and cried and saw myself inside the shoes of the adulterous woman- who was destined to be stoned to death because of the grave of her sins. She was caught in act!! and I wasn't, but the Lord is everywhere and He sees all things. He saw my filthiness, he saw how sinful and dirty I am. Yet, He still chose to forgive me with no judgment in His eyes. No condemnation at all. Just like the adulterous woman, He forgave me and set me free once again. I rebuked and uproot all the past sins I did and experienced and I pray it will never hunt me again in Jesus' name.

I'm so glad that the Lord's love is greater than all my sins. I am blessed to experience His unending grace. No matter how you look at it, I'm underserving of His grace and mercy. But that's the real essence of His grace, it's unmerited. You only deserved it because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.

He reminded me of Gal 5:16-17. I was tempted because I am not walking in the Spirit. I thought by having my devotion everyday, I am becoming more and more rooted in His words and my relationship with Him is getting deeper and deeper. But I was wrong. One simple temptation, I was back to zero. If I am truly walking in the Spirit, I will not gratify the desires of my flesh. I will not give in. Worldly/fleshly desires are contrary to the Spirit and vice versa. So, YOU CANNOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I should be guided by the Holy Spirit in everything we do. And that's your answer. Having a devotion everyday just to fulfill your obligations will not change anything. You have to apply it in your life EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Verse 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. May it be true to me, to die within my self, to be crucified with Christ, that all fleshly passions and desires will no longer linger because it is no longer I who live, but Jesus Christ in me.

So help me Lord. Help me to live in accordance to Your will and not mine. Help me to fear You more so I may fear sinning against You. May I remember that I'm the temple of the Holy Spirit, that I need to keep my body and my mind clean and pure. Thank You Lord for your unending love. Thank you for this second chance. Help me to be faithful with my covenant with you that I will never do it again. Help me to know that the battle is Yours and that I just need to side in You to claim the victory. Help me to remember that I am not alone in this fight and that You are always by my side and will never leave me.

Thank You Lord for the freedom and for this peace.

[justhiddlesss]

Nestle Cream

It's New Year's day (Jan 1 2025; 4:55 pm) and I'm literally crying lol. I just finished making fruit salad using my mom's recipe. And since I'm forgetful, I searched "nestle cream" in our conversation in messenger. Moving forward, after making the fruit salad, I bumped in our old conversation with "nestle cream" in the chat.

"Nagluto ako ng baboy na may nestle cream"

I clicked on the conversation which was 4 years ago (around Oct 2020) and boi I was shook. I was so rude to my mom because during this time, I was lying to her because I was living-in with my ex boyfriend. My replies to her messages was so rude and cold.

I was so guilty and I feel sorry and regretful for being like that to her. Mind you I was in my 20s that time, not in my teenage years. Maybe I was a still a rebel since I know they won't let me do the things I want to do, even if I know that those were wrong and against the will of God.

I continued clicking the other messages which contained "nestle cream" and I bumped in to a message which is dated 7 years ago. This is where I said to my mom that I want to eat the dish she makes with nestle cream and pork. It's so good. The conversation was normal and I'm not being a biatch to her since I'm in my college days.

Then scrolling down, I bumped into a message where I was asking for money because of my dorm rent, allowance, then other school expenses (e.g., photocopies and books). My mom said this exact words:

"Makakaraos din tau anak.Sensiya ka na kc tlgang minsan nagugulat ako sa mga binabyaran mo kc sunod sunod ang gastos natin.Alam mo nmn na pti pageant.mo niraos lng tlga kc ayoko mapahiya ka at.maliitin ng iba kaya sinisikap ko kht talagang hirap na.maibigay sau. Salamat sa Panginoon kc tapat siya.Makakatapos ka ng pag aaral anak.Promise ni Lord yan samin."

Boi I cried again T_T sobrang laki ng sacrifice pala sakin ng nanay ko. And I did not take that seriously kasi parang lagi akong may natatanggap. I took her for granted and all I know is tinutulungan din kami ng mga kapatid niya sa ibang bansa. Even the pagents, like wat. Sobrang lala ko. I don't deserve her tbh.

After that message she messaged me this:

A mother. She is my mom. She would sacrifice her own food, her own cravings, and her own life for me.

I really thanked the Lord for His grace for my life. I would never reach this level of success without Him. He carried me and my family during the times we were struggling financially. Both of them are full time pastors and they only get honorarium monthly from the church, but tell how how amazing God is? The Lord really never abandoned us, He never left, He never left us starving, He fulfilled His promises to my parents as they gave their lives in full time ministry to the Lord.

Seeing these messages 7yrs ago, we can't even buy 1 bucket of chicken to satisfy our hunger and cravings. But now, I can gladly and humbly say that we can afford to give buckets of chicken to people because of the Lord's faithfulness in our lives.

From nestle cream to KFC chicken, God can turn anything into a testimony. Be a blessing.

[justhiddlesss]

My Feelings Lately 🌲

Hey. It wasn't too long the last time I wrote here. I wanted to write here like 3-4 days ago, but something is preventing me from doing it (i.e., PWOL preacher hehe).

I just wanted to share what's up.

So Christmas day passed by.. I just spent my evening at my bf's parents house. I ate, sang, had a chit-chat, drunk, then went home~ was probably around 11pm. The night is still young, I decided to drink more while waiting for my bf (since his connection is very poor as he was also with his family in Tagaytay). I was just drinking and singing sad songs and I was doing that for like 10mins, not until I started crying. This was my very first Christmas celebrating alone. I missed my bf, my friends, and my family, I missed having company.

The idea of Christmas being the happiest and merriest day of the year never truly resonated with me.

The sad thing is, the people you considered friends before, are now strangers. Seeing them going out together without receiving a single invite is a confirmation of them cutting ties with me.

I admit that there was a crack or gap in our relationship before, which made me somewhat aloof towards them, and vice versa. The friendship structure and my relationship with my bf are complicated tbh. Maybe that's why it's seems better to just keep my distance from them.

Hmmm. What else? Ahh.. my job. Same old. I still want to quit. I'm really hoping that the Lord will allow me to switch job in May 2025.

And now.. it's nearing year-end. Hooray. I am ending the year alone again. Hooray. Maybe this is a first for me that's why it's such a big deal.

Perhaps this is me embracing adulthood and being reminded that I'm not a child anymore. Christmas now comes with no gifts for me, not even a greeting from an old friend. What’s surprising is how, whenever I prepare to give gifts to others, it stirs a subtle longing within me—a wish that someone would also think to give something in return.

Ang hirap maging giver. Madalas mong pangarapin na sana mabigyan ka rin.

[justhiddlesss]

Quitting

This thought has been over my head for how many months now. I thought that just by having a break, a vacation in the Philippines, everything will turn back to normal. But boii, I was so wrong. My vacation in the Philippines has elevated my desire to quit.

Few factors why..

The job sucks.. or maybe I suck. I'm not fit for that role. In my previous role, I do handle staff, but I have been in audit for more than 5 years. All I do is audit then I switched big time to accounting. Like I always say to my colleague, this application is my last resort, because companies are not hiring me, I'll just go back to the Philippines. But then this Company suddenly hired me. I'm in no managerial level as of now, so the pressure from the management is really throwing me off my bed. Okay so that's the part where I suck, the other part where they suck, is just the Company is all in ruins. No proper controls, no proper oversight from the top, one of the boss is arrogant, and all of that, they want me to handle their incompetence. Bro I'm just the FC, the top management should set the TONE, not me. Every week, I'm stressed out. It's like having a family that is so chaotic, and they hired me to "somehow fix" their family problem. And when I say family, I really meant family. They're all related T_T can you see the problem now? Another thing is, whenever my boss call me, or text me I get super anxious. :(

I have no one here. Before, when MJ was here, everything was bearable. My previous job was also a whack. They're a professional firm but their catch is mind games. They'll manipulate and gaslight you and they'll torture you and make you think that you're not enough and you're not doing your job properly. They're mean and racist! But we're past through that, what I'm saying is, even if my past job is mean to me, it's bearable because I have someone here. But now since MJ is gone, it's getting difficult again. It's been 7 months since he left. The first 5 months was okay, then I went back to the Philippines, then returned here again. It's not the same. I'm just here for 1 week ever since I returned and it feels like more than 5 months already. It's so hard :'(

It's more fun in the Philippines-- when you have money.

I miss my family and friends. When will this homesickness go away? How much longer should I suffer and bear this feeling? I still have 7 months from my contract and TBH, I don't know how will I finish that considering my case today. Almost everyday, I'm reading reddits stories of how they quit their corporate job or their high-paying jobs then went to a low-paying job because of stress and incompatibility.

Not to mention I prayed for this job, but this job is sucking all the energy I have. This job allowed me to go back to the Philippines and come here again. This job allowed me to still have salary even if I don't really earn it. BUT the toll of being here is heavier than being in my previous job (cause I like audit!!).

I was able to conquer the 5 months because of God's grace. REALLY WITHOUT HIM, I'M DOOMED.

What should I do now..

[justhiddlesss]

Pinas Kong Pinakamamahal 🇵🇭

I'm writing this blog like an hour before I start my work. And btw, I just arrived here in TCI again yesterday, after spending the whole month with my family in the Philippines.

Hmmm.. where should I start?

Ahh..

I don't want to be here anymore :(

How many times I cried cause I don't want to go back in this Island. I have no one here. The moment MJ left last May 2024, everything became difficult. He became my fortress during the times that I have no one here and during the times I'm getting stressed from my previous work.

I was so happy in the Philippines. Philippines is my home. Philippines is where my family is. Philippines is where I belong.

The agony of being in another country, miles away and hours away from your family is no joke. You have to bear the cost of living alone and working your ass off until you have enough savings to return to the Philippines again.

Magluluto ka uli ng ulam mo for the next 3 days. Kasi wala naman mag aasikaso sa'yo. Kailangan mo maging matatag at maging malusog kasi malayo sa'yo ang pamilya mo.

If I can just swim the ocean just to see them everyday, I'll do it in a wink.

What can I do to be free of this loneliness? What should I do to get rid of homesickness?

Naririndi na sa'kin yung pamilya ko sa araw araw kong pagsabi ng "Uwi na lang ako".

I know there will be people saying "Nandyan kana, aalis kapa?" "Madaming taong gusto yang position mo tapos uuwi ka lang?"

At first, I thought it's all about the money, but then I weigh in my mental and emotional health~ these stress and sadness are not worth it.

It may sound cliche, but I wanna go back to my comfort zone. I want my home. My heart longs for home. :'(

[justhiddlesss]

Post Resignation Feels~

Hi...

It's me again... I just got out from a toxic work environment. And it really feels good! And I don't really got a time to take a break and rest since I'm abroad.. We need to pay bills and rent, unfortunately..

SO... by God's grace, I found a job here! and just right after I resigned, I immediately started by new job.

I really never knew that I will be selected for that position, cause I applied for that job as my last resort since I'm not getting any offers. I tried applying in Ireland, not the Lord's will. Tried applying in numerous resorts in the Island, still, not the Lord's will. I was so ready to go home, pack my things and leave the Island for good. But then, the advertisement for a "Financial Controller" position came- which mind you, I don't have any experience of, but still I applied and gave it a shot. I was interviewed the day Mj left the Island and went to the Philippines to study. I really gave up hoping that I will get selected since I haven't heard from the HR for more than a week. Then to my surprise, I received an email for the offer letter. I was shocked, amazed, and terrified at the same time.

I came from audit. I've been in audit for more than 5yrs now, then switching to Accounting and a higher position in accounting is very scary. I know how to supervise people, but they are younger than me!! or they are about as the same age as me!! but now, it's different. I'm the youngest of them. The worst part? There's no control in place. So, I need to come up with controls at the same time supervising and doing accounting job. ON TOP OF THAT, I said in the interview that I have a "logistic industry background", but then... it's not really a shipping company T_T I'm so doooommmmmmed..

*sigh* I've been stressing this feeling for more than 2 days now. Then tomorrow I will have a meeting with the directors. I'm so pressured boi. I'm overthinking to the point I'm looking for other jobs to apply in the Philippines. I'm also checking my budget that if I only stayed up until this day, how much savings will I get. I don't know the process, I don't know anything. No one's teaching me anything.

But you know, give me a break, cut me some slack, I've only been in this new job for 5 days and I'm ridiculously overthinking. I'm really wondering what is the Lord's purpose why HE ALLOWED ME TO BE IN THIS POSITION???

Like I prayed for this job so much. I cried every night asking God to land me in a better working environment in my next job, since I came from a very traumatic work culture, I want my next employer to be a blessing to me, to be kind and God-fearing. I don't know. Did I just accept it since I have no choice or is it really God's blessing?

Lord, I trust you and I know you never fail me ever since Day 1. Give me your wisdom and boldness please. Help me to oversee and supervise these people. T_T be with me Jesus. So help me God.

[justhiddlesss]

Birthday

This is so stupid. Up until now, I still can't move on HAHA. WTH.

I feel so stupid and so cringey. I don't even want to remember it but an IG story is all I ever need to bring back that awful feeling.

This is so petty. Anyways, the story began when Girl 1 arrived in the Island. I was still active in church at this time since everything's still quiet. I was the first one to approach her and accompany her to meet the other church members. To cut the long story short, she called me her "GBF in the Island". We shared a lot of stuff, even the NSFW. I was very open to her, not until I became inactive at church. There was an issue spreading in the church that caused me to not attend regularly. She was still there ofc. However, as time goes by, our friendship also became aloof. She became more friends with the ex of my man. To have a short background, I'm also a bit close to her. But they were becoming closer. Up until her secrets are safe with her already and not me.

The pain and the awkwardness began on the day of her birthday. June 2023. I greeted her so happily. Saying she's my GBF in the Island, etc. She re-story it, but her reply was just, "Thank youu mwa.".

The thing with me is, I expected the same energy from her for my birthday (side note: I also greeted the ex of my man in IG), thus I expect them to greet me the same on my birthday. BUT boy, I was so wrong. Only 2 people greeted me on my birthday, and 1 person was delayed. 1 friend in college, 1 friend in HS, and my man.

Boy I was so hurt. HAHA up until now. I saw her story greeting someone from the church. If she can do that to them, why not do it also to me?

Since then, I promised to myself, I will never greet anyone in my IG story except for my man.

I'm tired of exerting so much effort and time for a person and yet you don't receive the same energy from them.

I'm still in good terms with her/them. BUT in my book, they're cut off as friends.

[justhiddlesss]

Weekend

It's been a year ever since I wrote my thoughts here in tumblr. I got busy with my work, my studies, my relationship, and my own life. Although, I have a lot to report to this platform, don't worry, all of them are beautiful. Even if M and I fight, we all sort it out at the end of the day.

I have been in this Island for a quite some time now~ 1.5yrs to be exact. Another 3-5 months then I'm out. I was in a crisis for job hunting, to the point all 15 of my application got rejected. I was so discouraged and down to the point I'm afraid to apply again because of rejections. But thank God for my family and M. They're the ones who encouraged me with God's words to keep pushing and praying for me to land on a suitable job with a God-fearing boss. There's that.. I'm still looking for job here in the Island or even outside. But there's no luck yet. I'll keep on praying..

Aside from the job hunting, I got busy with my studies. I enrolled in a CMA course in the Philippines. It was really expensive and I'm not even reviewing for 3 weeks now. I also got my hands occupied with our current trip to the US as well as my additional hobby now which is vlogging. Did I also mentioned that I'm currently enrolled in a Nihongo 101 Class too? Yeah, your girl is busy-busy.

Oh yeah, today's May 19, Sunday, 12:15nn. Three days ever since M left. I was anticipating that day to come to the point I ready myself for the worst possible scenario~ cry in the airport, which I didn't. I said to myself, this is bearable, but now, it's the opposite.

"Ganito pala yung feeling ng weekend pag wala ka." I told him in a chat.

He's not responding yet since he's enjoying his family's company in Olongapo. After I said that, I snapped and teared up. Don't get me wrong, I love solitude. I love being alone, that's why I said to myself, "this is bearable", but boy it's just 3 days and I'm feeling this way.

My other colleagues have their own way of living and I don't want to disturb them; church is not the same, and my work is the worse.

I hope this feeling will not last. I hope to help myself and allot some time to mingle with other people, but without him, it's difficult since I did most things with him.

Maybe it will be just like this for the mean time. Just for the mean time..

[justhiddlesss]

My most hated boss

I've always felt hate towards my HR Partner. But while talking to him earlier I felt something different.

He was the Partner that's really a pain in the a**. He micromanages, he gets upset over small things, he is so petty, he doesn't compliment nor appreciate your hard work, and he always says negative words throughout your work. He's the worst.

Most of my time spent with him is so draining-- emotionally and intellectually. I mean how would that person be a source of motivation if you hear nothing but complaints?

He's one of the reasons why I wanted to resign from the firm. Why I wanted to go back to the Philippines. Why I always cry when I get home. Why I took 1 week's leave just to be alone and be in my house.

But earlier, he went to my area and asked me if I have 2 mins. And in my head, I said, "Oh I know where this is headed".

We spoke for like 15-20mins about how I'm not monitoring and supervising the staff well. I explained myself but he seem to be so adamant about accepting my reasons (he's like that even before). Then he keeps on talking, and there was a time when he excuse himself to go to the restroom. That's the point where I started to pray. I'm really frustrated with this situation. There was no time nor moment where I win a conversation with him. It's pretty interesting because I initially prayed, "Lord, let me win this one".. then the Holy Spirit convicted me and I changed it to "Lord please help me to be polite, respectful, and loving.. give me your wisdom to say what I should say". Cause mind you, there are times when I can't find the exact word to say in English but in Tagalog I can say it loud and clear.

So when he comes back, he started murmuring again, then suddenly I felt this compassion towards him. The Lord gave me a discernment that the reason why he always talks to me about the things he complains, it's because he has no one else to talk to. He has no family, no kids, no partner in life. He's 50+ years old. And instead of me talking and explaining myself to him, the Lord allowed my emotions to subside and set aside my sentiment. I just listened to him all throughout his discourse. My mood changed, and so as his. We ended the conversation well, and in the end, I still thanked him.

Maybe next time I can share Jesus with him. Who knows?

[justhiddlesss]

Yameru!!

This shouldn’t be happening in the first place. Tin, please stop. That’s a little brother!!!!! Mas bata pa siya kay Dennis!!!! We can’t, esp mag-aaral pa siya sa US ng medicine. Mygash Tin. Don’t catch feelings for this guy.

Story time~ it was my first church attendee, Nov 5, when he first caught my attention. He was playing the bass, and at first, alam ko na na bata to. Then he started greeting us, he’s very kind and jolly person, not to mention, very talented~ kumakanta, sumasayaw, all around sa instruments. We also share the same interest, anime, marvel, personality (being introverted), etc. He’s also attractive. I wouldn’t say “handsome” since he’s not a head-turner. But girl, when he cut his hair, girl, hahahhaha I went super crush on him. His new hair cut complements him. I jokingly say he looked like 34yrs old because from his looks and the way he acts, he doesn’t seem to be 18!!!! Yeah, he’s 7yrs younger than me.

We started talking in messenger, it was just casual. Not really special. Not until it was a continuous conversation. Like we say goodnight to each other, we share diff hobbies, anime and stuff. He even gets in my nerve. Mapang-asar siya. But yeah in the end he calls me “Ate Kris”.

Then just last night, I couldn’t sleep, I just slept around 4am and guess what, I dreamed of him. It was just ăn ordinary dream, I went to his place to grab some coffee, he was making it the traditional way, his place was messy but very nice. Then another scenario came when my brother and him talked, they complement each other haha like really. Them last scenario came, it was a cliff diving but I can’t dive since I’m scared. All I did was sat and there was another man wanting to touch my legs and I was moving sidewards so he couldn’t reach me, until I bumped to him, and he grabbed my legs as if he’s my boyfriend and as a way of protecting me.

This is insane. This is madness. Lord I can’t. This should be a “happy crush” only. I can’t have anything more than that.

[justhiddlesss]

“Maaari bang bumalik sa Umpisa?”

I was so tempted to write on that journal again. My last letter was dated March 25, 2018, 4years ago. I wrote that’s my last letter and I will never write again since “I’ve moved on”. But behold, I’m writing in tumblr instead haha. It’s the same thing.. I guess.

Earlier, I decided to read your letters to me again (letters in a bottle). And for what reason I started crying. When I read “Wag kalimutan kausapin sila tito at tita, kaya mo yan.” You were very supportive back then. I didn’t saw your worth, until now- 5years later. 

We broke up May 2017. I wish I can be as happy as I am like the last letter I wrote in that journal. “I hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you better than I do”. Maybe you did no? How I wish I can be happy now. The sad thing is, I also have someone right now. And I always compare you to him. I admit, he’s not the same as you, he’s not the sweet type who write me letters, clingy, loyal, etc.

I’m really convinced you’re my soulmate. And it breaks me because I know we’re not getting back together. We’re growing old, we’re in this era of getting married,  having a family, traveling, career etc. One thing is certain, if my current ask me if will I marry him, my answer would not be yes or no, it’s “I don’t know”. Should I settle for this?

It’s silly of me because I’m still holding on the day that we can be together again. I told myself, 6years ago, December 26, 2018~ we can be together again. But  no. I’m also afraid if I will break up with my current, it will turn the same scenario as you, where I will regret in the end why did I broke up with him.

I want you again. How many nights will I ever dream of you again? How long will I be sane thinking I can be with you again? Do I really want you? Or I’m just missing the idea of you? Since you’re better than my current?

How ambitious of me. I don’t want to ruin somebody else’s relationship. But one thing is for sure, my current and I are not the end game.

Every night, I’m thinking if you feel the same. Are there days where you want us to be together again? Hindi ba sumasagi sa isip mo ‘yun? Kahit minsan? Do you love her that much? Are we a “One more chance” or “Starting over again”? Will you propose to your current sooner or later? Are you really that serious of her? Did she really saved you from being broken because of me?

Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa? Upang di na umasa ang pusong nag-iisa..

Pasensya ka na, sa mga kathang-isip kong ito, wari dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo.

I’m so selfish. I know. But I guess, I just want to blurt it out.

Am I really leaning on “Kung tayo, tayo”? If not, I just want to meet someone like you or even better.

I hope to meet you again. Someday, somewhere, if fate allows. Then let it be.

[justhiddlesss]

Wow

I dreamed of something unusual. I believe I’m in a book- I’m part of a book that’s been written a long time ago by a girl. She’s narrating her story, and whenever there’s someone to intervene purposefully, he/she will say something very deep and meaningful. And the plot twist is, every person that intervenes is also her. It’s her subconscious mind telling her about the things she was/wasn’t able to do. And that gives her strength and meaning to rethink her life. It may be on a bus, in school, at work.

I remember a scene from my dream, I was on a bus, and there was a little boy who came to the bus and said something meaningful to me. The next scene is in a School. A lot of people are asking me if they could try the food that I’m eating since they believe that the food I’m currently consuming is dirty and the place is dirty. I told the first group of people, “Yeah their food is really delicious” but when the second group of people came “I told them this is only my first day”. This is something else, the first one judged me for sure, then the second one understands me since I was being honest.

I also remember a flood scene, my birthday, and riding a jeep. I forgot the flood scene, but on my birthday there’s my teacher from Highschool who posted a video of me throughout the year of me singing on the stage. And in the last scene, I was wearing a kimono and singing in front of many people. She greeted me, “happy birthday”. The next scene is riding a jeep, I think I was with Dennis, I don’t want to ride that jeep that came past us because I saw the passengers are complaining about the foul smell the other passenger has, I think he was carrying a bag full of entrails of a pig? Or something equivalent to that., but Dennis called that jeep, so because of “hiya” we rode that jeep. And surprisingly, there’s no foul smell in that jeep, we judged so quick.

The last part of my dream before I woke up, is related to work, I think, when I was about to enter the “restaurant” during the school scene, I saw a dog, that I SAW EARLIER but she was sleeping. And then I saw her again lying on the ground, I thought she was dead because of her physical appearance, she was definitely hit by a car. And when I tried to come into the office, I saw my boss’ car has a trail of that dog’s fur. It was him who hit the dog. I tried to get to her, and you know that I fear dogs, there’s still hesitation on my part, but I still came closer to the dog, and it moved. It was very aggressive and don’t want to be pet, but I kept on approaching her, trying to calm her down that everything will be alright. I touched her head trying to pat her, and her appearance changed, she became more gentle and approachable. I cried and cried and I told her this, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” And to my conclusion, that dog is also me.

[justhiddlesss]

Toxic trait

I just recently knew my toxic trait- it’s to not care anymore. I would literally jive away from any conflict, maybe because I’m too tired of everything I would just shake off everything. Even when an issue is at hand, I would just ignore it. I think I would just react when I’m significantly involved, but when I’m not, even if it’s my close family and friends, I don’t care anymore.

Like they’re literally old enough to settle down their own issues. I won’t meddle with that kind of stuff- those people who can’t fix their issues with other people and they have the guts to maintain their anger and bitterness are losers and immature. Like girl, 2022 na, won’t u grow up? I can’t. I have no patience with immature people. I can’t deal, I can’t handle them. If I were, I would be pretending to be a nice girl- like the structure in work- counselor-counselee. It’s not a bad thing tho, but can u not handle your own issue. I might sound bad- but yeah we’re on different levels of maturity and emotional strength. Some people really need support, some not- like me- or maybe I just get the hang of it for a long time. I tend to always care for others- but when it’s on me, They’re gone.

That’s why I love hanging with my bf, because he cares and he understands and I can be myself when I’m with him. Rather than be with my family then they’ll just insult me :D hayyy

[justhiddlesss]

I feel so under-appreciated.

I cannot contain my tear today. Napakadami kong nararamdaman. Parang it’s too much for me. I’ve been known to be strong and independent but when the time comes na gusto ko rin naman magpasuyo o maging bata, wala ko malapitan.

Sobrang dami kong gustong ikwento, pero naiipon lahat sa sarili ko. Maybe the reason why I buy so many things is that wala kasing iba na gagawa sakin nun, kaya ako na lang. i started collecting nendoroids but not knowing the real reason behind it.

I’ve been struggling since my last preaching sa youth. I tagged myself as ineffective. I cannot look again in the mirror and say, “Preach”. I always remember their faces, looking very timid and not interested. I already prayed for this but it always hunts me back.

Work. There’s always pressure in work. Not the task related, but a race to reach the top. My colleague just got a “golden standard” rating in her feedback from the onshore team. I was hoping the same, but I just got disappointed. The goes with the top list seniors of the month, I’m also expecting to see my name, but then, disappointed. I’ve been doing my best for the past months, but maybe this is a room for improvement to always do better next time.

Family/church. I feel no one cares for me except when they need me. I’ve been paying for our groceries for 3yrs already. I always prepare something for them for their birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. Idk. I think I never get the return I need. A simple token of appreciation is what I need. A simple food, simple gift, pero in the end sagot ko pa rin lahat. Kaya ako bili nang bili ng pagkain ko. Even nung Christmas, wala kong natanggap na regalo sa mga binigyan ko ng regalo. Wala kahit isa. Wala talaga as in. I always think of them, pero baka wala lang silang pera at ako yung meron.

Si Jrco din, sa una lang nagiging eager sa love language ko, pero nawawala pag naging okay na kami. Di kona alam. Minsan gusto ko makatagpo ng katulad ko na maaalalahanin, thoughtful. Magtatanong kung kamusta na ba spiritual life ko, mental health, anong naiisip ko. Support ba. Kaso wala.

I’m thinking I’m a little too thoughtful. Minsan iniisip ko sobrang bait kona tas naaabuso na yon. Kaya minsan nakakatamad tumulong, kasi lahat sila sayo na lang aasa, pano naman ako.

Iniisip ko na lang, nandiyan ang Lord para laging magpala sakin, yung kakulangan ng mga tao sa paligid ko, ang Lord ang nagpupuno. Hindi ko nga lang masabi sa iba to, para akong napipi. I’m fighting a silent battle. Pero salamat Lord kasi you’re always there to fill my empty cup. Im still grateful, even if d ko nakikita sa pamilya ko, church ko, work ko, at love life ko. Kasi nandiyan Ka Lord. For me. I have nothing to be envy of, jealous of.

[justhiddlesss]

Sometimes, I feel empty. Like, everything doesn't make sense. Everything is repetitive.

You wake up. Wash your face. Face your laptop. Watch movie. Lay on your bed. Social media. Laptop. Eat. Sleep. Repeat again.

I don't know, but sometimes I'm having feelings of waves of sadness. Am I having a quarter life crisis? Haha. Or maybe I'm just overthinking? Considering my current situation, I am resigning, with low budget, and I have tons of bills to pay. Addition to this is my family's expectation. Maybe I just need to have a nice cry. Tagal ko nang hindi nalalabas mga saloobin ko. Laging kong sinasarili, kasi mas gusto ko pag mag isa ako. Pero di pala palaging okay mag-isa.

Gumagaan loob ko pag nakakapag devotion ako, pero kinabukasan, bumabalik yung feeling na to.

Naranasan ko na to nung bata ako, hindi ko alam nangyayari sakin, pag sasapit ang gabi, nalulungkot ako, at tila parang lahat ng bagay ay walang katuturan. Mamamatay din naman.

Yan yung lagi kong naiisip, pag nakakakita ako ng gunting, naiisip kong isaksak sakin. At lagi akong nag llook forward sa family gathering, o kaya pasko, church gathering para mawala yung lungkot ko. Eventually nawala, nung bata ako. Pero ngayon, bumalik uli.

Baka dagdag sa naiisip ko rin ngayon, yung guilt sa kasalanan na ginawa ko pag magkasama kami ni Jerico. Lahat ng pagsisinungaling. Lahat ng kamunduhan at kalaswaan.

"Di ko na alam gagawin." Yan yung bulong ng isip ko. Pero, alam ko naman yung solution, at alam ko pano sosolusyunan.

I'm trying to escape. But the best solution is speak out. Let it out. Wag mong kimkimin lahat. You have family, friends, na makikinig sayo.

Alam ko naman, the only answer to every problem is Jesus. You just most of the time forget Him as the only way and you treat Him as an option.

Change your mind. Change your ways. Renew your heart, seek His face.

[justhiddlesss]

You're hurting me, but I don't want to show it

You're causing me pain, but the best way is to hide it.

I'm starting to think, we're not meant for each other. You're different, I'm also different.

Maybe it's better to be single than to settle with someone who don't understand you. And will only understand you when they want to. Or when they have time.

I'm tired to ask for time and attention. These things shouldn't be asked for, these should be given voluntarily.

I'm sad. I.. I wanna break up.