justhowsharp

[justhowsharp]

have you felt it? the cold contempt seeping into your bones steeped in a decade of resentment turned sour against those who would pull you out

have you heard it? the thin drumbeat of a heart yours by blood only echoing in the empty arching hallways between your ears

have you seen it? the cold stare of your own eyes hostile to themselves picking a fight just to study the wounds

have you tasted it? the bitter disgust of flesh scraped relentlessly from inside your lips and cheeks biting back all the words you don't mean

have you smelled it? the pungent sting of disappointment raging against your better judgement knowing you could have done better

[justhowsharp]

which am i

i hate my hands when they shake i hate my voice when it speaks i hate my heart when it aches i hate my mind when it thinks

but then, which of those is me? am i any of these parts, glued together like a child's first birdhouse or am i the bird that does not fit inside?

am i the weed growing out of the sidewalk hardy but trampled, blooming but unwanted? bringing joy to the few who understand and extra work for those who don't

am i the cramp in my calves when i spend too long crouching in the brush looking for a butterfly? am i the ache in my neck when i am craning it back trying to savor the last lights in the sky?

am i the mouth that makes the sounds or am i the feelings those sounds represent? am i the stilted dance sweeping across the kitchen or the song about soup stuck in my head?

is that person in the mirror supposed to be me? am i supposed to know what that means? the blemished skin i pick at is superficial, distraction that can't possibly be who i am

there's pictures of me on my mother's shelves a timeline from baby to now there's a chunk in the middle that's been cut out because it turned out that wasn't myself

there are clothes in my closet and in boxes and on the floor there are oddities on every surface are those mine? is anything mine? are my things an extension of me?

where is the line drawn between me and not me? between me and someone else? between me and nothing? can i escape me and enter that nothing?

what is mine and what is me and what am i supposed to make of it i have to make something of me but i am just a kid with balsa wood and craft glue who wasn't listening to the teacher because i was thinking about birds

[justhowsharp]

giving and taking

you can love someone and not want them and vice versa and i don't know whether i want you or love you or both but it's too much for me any way

i am scared to want because to want is to take and to take is to be selfish and selfish people will shoot their own reflection because it stole from them we're taking it slow and i'm taking my time and i'm taking and i'm taking and i don't know if i'm giving anything back is this enough for you? am i enough? do you want me? do you want the body and bones attached to me? and the brain i am attached to? and the history im dragging along in a busted old wagon like too many cases of girl scout cookies?

i think i can love you, i think i will love you because loving is giving and i will give you anything and i've been hoarding love to hand out to someone who wants to return the favor and you have made it so i owe you the favor you have given me so much and i don't know if i'm enough repayment what do you want from me? i'll give it to you

i want to give and that's not selfish because it's for you i love you because i can love myself when i love you and now i'm selfish again but you love me even when i am selfish because you are giving and someone has to take it or we'll have no more room please take what i am giving you too

[justhowsharp]

can you tell?

can you tell that i'm in love with you? is it obvious when i speak? can you tell the way my heart floats into view, when i call you every night of the week?

does my every word emerge like a heart-shaped speech bubble? is it clear that i'm falling too fast? and my mind knows it's in trouble it thinks this might not even last

would you call me out if you noticed, that i'm clinging desperately to your sleeve? that while you're doing something so focused, i'm here hoping you would never leave?

am i being clear when i say, "take care of yourself, for me?" you should know i wake up every day thinking "he went to sleep late, didn't he?"

if you saw me in person you'd realize my adoration would be in plain view i'd be way too scared to meet your eyes because then you would know i love you

[justhowsharp]

how to fall in love: a simple guide by someone who's never done it

step 1: yearn yearn, crave, all but demand intimacy the world has taken your love and called it decrepit and tossed it in the fire but you are your love, and it was like they tossed you as the embers burn, so you yearn

step 2: pine pine for a man you've never truly seen plant a whole forest for someone whose face is static in your mind but whose voice will speak in your heart forever think of the cabin you could live in together, if only you were closer as you picture the trees, so you pine

step 3: fear fear the future and its uncertainties step back and look at your whole life and the life you've yet to live and wonder where you're going to fit him in don't think about whether he's going to fit you in the same way as you ask for his thoughts, so you fear

step 4: deny deny that you could be in love you've been told for so long that you have nothing to offer him, that you should not offer him anything but you see him and know you would give him the world as you write out your confession, so you deny

step 5: love love him! that's all it takes memorize the details of his smile then forget just so you can do it again talk to him and hear his voice and melt inside because he's talking to you as you hold him in your arms, so you love

hopefully i got this right, like i said i've never been in love.

[justhowsharp]

excerpt monologue from a play i won’t write

Oh, and but to what end?

Wherefore should I sacrifice mine own heart to pieces,

that thou should hold thine own in peace?

Thou shalt take nothing I ever offer up to thy false altar,

but for mine every moment of simple life

and all the spoils of my strife.

I owe no debts to thou.

A simple man, with no castles or soldiers to uphold,

should be desired by thy clever eye?

Thou wench, thou rogue,

thou crept into mine affections whilst I did dream,

filled my head with sweet song of slender touches.

Yet come the sun above the sea,

and I come to find just a memory.

Alas, thusly the tragedy!

For I giveth mine own ship to thou,

in full mind of how thou changeth my course!

In false naivety, I turn away

as thine pleasantries steer me to the depths.

In thy heart, it does not matter.

Tis but another eve,

where your pleasures are sought below the hearts of men,

and to fruitful ends.

All warned me of your siren song:

‘Hark! He will turn you to marble and grind you to dust with his heel.’

But at the first of your soft peals,

I took the wax from mine ears.

I hoped to resist the incubus, the terrible lust, and to a time I did.

Though twas thy words in my ear, thy smile at my mouth,

thine intricate moments constructed simply to get at my hand,

that were cannons at my stone walls against thine approach.

I am but a fool in an empty palace,

where you once did beam at mine expense.

The blame falls upon myself, truly,

but thy stormy eyes make bullseyes for the brokenhearted.

[justhowsharp]

howdy y’all ive decided to start a writing/poetry blog lol my main is @oversunsetplains so if you came from there extra yeehaw