kai-susuwatari

[kai-susuwatari]

Franz Kafka, 1912

[kai-susuwatari]

Went for a swim in a local pool today.

Cons: slipped when getting out, slightly injured my arm.

Pros: currently sitting in the changing room, some woman that looks exactly like Sevika is blow drying my hair with her hairdryer.

[kai-susuwatari]

When I really like a character, I will ship them with anyone and everyone.

Idgaf if they've got no chemistry or never even met at all.

My darling deserves all the love 👹

[kai-susuwatari]

Viktor, being my favorite character, guilt-trips me into actually doing something for my uni, when not even the risk of failing (i would rather die btw) could lift me from this slumber.

Who might've thought.

[kai-susuwatari]

I love my country,

but it doesn't quite love me back.

[kai-susuwatari]

I sometimes think that I'm quite poetic in English.

And then I read a random fanfic about some god-forgotten pairing, who's author does some Shakespeare shit with that language for 27 pages.

[kai-susuwatari]

I don't like staying with myself for too long.

I don't mean that in an extroverted way.

I usually stay with music, films, tv shows, video games, tiktoks, Instagram reels, arts on Twitter, fandom content on Tumblr etc etc. I mastered distraction better than anything else. I know that's all running and hiding. But I can't help myself.

I'm quite difficult with emotions. I don't know how to express almost anything. My feelings are stuck inside most of the time. The thing is, I'm not bottling them up on purpose, that's just how I am. Maybe I was raised that way. I cry for other people, for characters, rarely for myself. I know that's wrong and not true at all, but I think I still see emotions as weakness. I've been afraid to show them since I was little, so now I don't know how to.

I guess I'm scared to be vulnerable. That's why I also never tell people how I feel about them. No serious ily's ever slipped out of that mouth.

I realized I just don't want anyone to see me as I am. Because I don't like myself all that much. What's there to see?

I don't see myself as interesting or beautiful, so I have to be strong and resilient. At least appear to be.

I'm fucked up just like the rest of us. Honestly, I desperately want someone to know that. Because it's heavy, I'm always heavy. I'm carrying myself around like some kind of baggage.

I also feel dull. Emotional people shine like diamonds, I'm just not like that. I can't afford that shine.

Emotions take so mush courage to feel, and a whole lot more to express.

So this logical chain led me to why I am this way, I still don't know how to fix that. If it needs fixing at all.

I don't like staying with myself for too long. I usually hurt myself when I'm at it. That was a tendency since I turned 13.

I have a friend who is really good at self analysis and putting it into words. She says that's how she's working on herself.

I can self analyze obviously, but It usually leads to knowing, not healing.

I've always been known for wanting to be better not healed.

When I'm staying with myself, sometimes I find that I do want to heal. I just don't know how.

[kai-susuwatari]

Today we went to my cousin's wedding.

I got asked if I have a boyfriend about 4 times. Usual annoying question from relatives. I never really cry, but that made me quietly cry on the back seat of my parent's car on our way back.

I kind of got that my orientation goes both ways at 13. I didn't really matter back then. I knew that people like that exist and it is normal. Thought of a partner I'll end up with was far and unimportant. I was basically a queer person acting like a straight ally.

It didn't really hit me till 20. That I actually, really might end up with a girl.

Before I passed it on as an obvious possibility. I believed that all people are bi anyways and just have a lean towards one side (still do).

Now it's a close call.

The problem is not internal homophobia. Not what society thinks. It's my parents.

They're not homophobic, at least not actively. They pretty much don't care, when it doesn't relate to them. And I am very related to them.

One of my huge fears is disappointing my parents. I never want them to know I failed. I am a perfect unproblematic child.

And the thing that will disappoint them the most is a thing I was born with.

That's fucking ridiculous isn't it?

I'm so fucking tired of thinking about this.

It's just fucking love. Why can't I hold whoever I love?

And I know it's just that they were born in a different time, raised that way. It doesn't make it any easier for me.

I don't hate myself because I'm gay. I hate myself because apparently no matter how much I try, how much I do, I'm destined to be a disappointment since birth.

It's just fucking love.

I am terrified each time I find myself sexually extracted to women. Because if I was straight it would be one less disappointment for my parents.

I feel like a horrible person because of this shit I think all the time.

But I'm crying on the backseat of my parents car, anticipating the gut turning disappointment, feeling it in the air that I breath out. I can already hear voices of my other relatives, how my parents are embarrassed to talk about me. I'm such an inconvenience.

Last year I realized that I'll have to actually come out one day. That thought makes me nauseous every time.

Why my love is a disappointment? Sometimes it makes me equally angry.

All of those sticky feelings should be eternal partners of love.

But I guess the main question is

Would I chose to be straight if I could?

And the answer is no.

[kai-susuwatari]

So on one random night I just told myself that I'm not afraid of bugs anymore.

And I just stopped fearing bugs since.

It's kind of scary how a human can just convince itself anything.

[kai-susuwatari]

Sometimes I have nightmares.

The most terrifying once are not about monsters or war, it's about pregnancy.

Dreams about knowing what's to come.

Fear of permanent body damage and pain. A lot of pain.

I have repetitive dreams of drowning, dying there calms me down. Not dying in pregnancy dreams makes me want to tear my hair off my head.

In these dreams I firmly believe that my life is ruined.

There's not a lot of things in this life that are permanent. I even have one of those, a small spider tattooed on my ankle.

Spiders don't scare me.

Kids don't either. I like kids.

Unless they're biologically mine.

Maybe my genes are just not meant to be spread.

Maybe I subconsciously hate myself just that much.

[kai-susuwatari]

To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

[kai-susuwatari]

I want to make something.

I want to make something so bad, my hands feel like they might start bleeding.

There's too much blood in me, I need to pour it into something.

[kai-susuwatari]

It would be nice if there was a God.

Which for me is another reason why there probably isn't.

[kai-susuwatari]

So I recently figured I might be a little bit of a control freak.

I noticed that I usually take up the role of "the strong one" in relationships with people. And obviously it's comfortable because it gives that sense of control.

But

When I feel like I can put that control away with someone, it's attractive.

You don't even have to take it, just let it lie somewhere that isn't my hands for some time, before I pick it up again.

[kai-susuwatari]

I never really wanted to be like either of my parents.

So noone have ever told me that I resembled my mother or my father.

But if I look closely, I do look like a pre-programmed thing.

I have my father's stubbornness and pride. I make fun of him for both. I also do laugh in the face of my own reflection. I could never dream of inheriting anything else. I do have a father. But do I have a father figure?

I have my mother's insecurity and rage. I pity her for both. I also hit my body and think of blood. I search for calm in every woman I meet.

I got the pain from both of them. I got it from neither of them. My mother-in-law-land is feeding me through my roots. Poison drips through and shit.

I am a puzzle-mess. Miss matched pile of socks.

I am not a good person. I am also not a bad one.

I know I am a lot.

I also know that I am not enough.

If there's a God, I'll be disappointed.

If there's a God, he's nothing like the one people write about.

[kai-susuwatari]

Guys, I did a thing

[kai-susuwatari]