karenderya

[karenderya]

Dead Stars from July 21, 2016

Today, I read Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez again. The first time I read this was in high school, in our English class with the brilliant Ms Alarcon of The National Teachers College. The second time, in our Literature class in UP, because if we were to make a timeline of Modern Filipino Short Stories, Dead Stars would come first. And I think it was a basic thing to know. When I got my own copy of 14 Love Stories edited by Angelo Lacuesta and Jose Dalisay, I re-read it as it was the first story in the book and because I have missed reading. It was among the first books I bought with my own money in my first year at work. In all instances, I liked the story and how Marquez Benitez used dead stars as a metaphor-- except when I first read it because I never understood anything at all. I used that as my twitter username, where many companies have been emailing me to give up that username because they want to have it for their business, but I won't budge still. That account is also dead. Today, I read Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez again. I read it aloud for 48 minutes. And at the end of it, I realized, that while stories are constant, we, as readers, consumers even, change over a period of time. We find beauty we never found the first or second or a millionth time reading it. We understand things we never imagined in the million times we've read it. Each and everytime, we find purpose to what we read and it is in there we understand its nuances -- home reading report for a high school student, Introduction to Literature for a non-literature person in a Literature Program in UP, out of pleasure for an employee who works 9-hour shifts, and for someone who have cast her wishes upon dead stars. Today I read Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez again. And I felt like I lived a hundred lifetimes more.

[karenderya]

I am terrible, terrible at losing.

[karenderya]

We celebrated my grandma's 90th birthday last year. We were all wrong. She was 89 last year. So this year, we wanted put up the same big celebration just like in 2016 because not many people reaches that age, assuming that we got it right this time. I was my grandma's favorite. My cousins will not agree but we all know that it is a known fact. I was the only one among her grandchildren who grew up away from her, and she only get to see me during summer when I visit her back in the Island. I was her City Mouse, according to her. During Christmas, when all my cousins would line up, she would hand over paper bills to each of them and would secretly tell me not to fall in line anymore, as she will hand mine later. Whatever they all got, mine was always double. When my parents separated, I went to the province to finish high school. Our town was lovely but very basic; meat was not readily available in the market. Pork or beef or sometimes even chicken were only sold on Sundays, and the rest of the week would mean pescatarian diet for everyone. She would buy a week's worth of meat for my lunch and dinner because I don't eat fish and vegetables which is a common fare. We also didn't have ice cream, like Magnolia or Selecta, back then because the town was too far from the city. Ice Cream delivery trucks rarely go to our town. But every year on my birthday, I will always have Ube Ice Cream and Cake. I didn't like Ube on anything but it was better than nothing. When I went to college, she had our house help accompany me to the city so someone could wash my clothes. I didn't agree though because I was already in college, a grown up. (Yeah, right) Instead, she had me pack my laundry at the end of the week and instructed me to bring it to the bus station, hand it to the trusty driver or conductor so they could bring it to her and wash it. Sometimes, when the driver or conductor forgets to drop it off in our town, to my grandma, it would reach the nearby towns and get lost. But mostly on Monday mornings, I will wait for the bus at the corner of my dorm's street at 7AM to fetch my freshly laundered clothes, along with 5 gantas of rice, dried fish, bananas or any fruit in season, and a roll of paperbills. She wasn't fair to everyone (LOL) but she loved us all. In her house in the Island, she keeps a spread of all our photos from childhood to graduation to debuts and even wedding photos. I had more photos in that spread than anyone amongst my cousins. 😎 My love for handwritten notes and postcards was from her. She'd periodically send me letters when I was a kid in the city. She had an impeccable handwriting. When I moved to the Island, she had to allocate stamp allowance so I could write back to my friends and classmates whom I have left behind in the city when I moved to the Island or to my mother so I could ask more clothes and shoes. I had a maximum of 5 letters per week to send which she brings to the local post office on Monday mornings. Sometime ago, she handed me a box of vintage stamps and old letters from my grandpa, who was a seafarer. Sooner, those are all going to be worth a fortune. She was a hoarder of many things, just like me. But most importantly, she hoarded stories and memories along with teacups and old toys. She kept my grandpa's memories alive with dolls and figurines he got from his travels around the world. Next year, we will celebrate her birthday again. Or maybe not anymore. My heart fervently hopes that our mistake of celebrating her 90th birthday every year would also mean stopping time from taking her away from us. But our hearts can only wish. -- I wrote this poem for the the UP Visayas Creative Writing Workshop where I was a fellow about a decade ago. It was about a life lesson I learned from her -- about the baggages we bring and those that we have to let go. Too bad, I don't have a translation for it: Ha Imo Paglakat Para kan Lola Ping, nga nagkikinasina Nagsiring na ak' hadto ha imo nga kun ikaw tilakat, ayaw pagdinara hin damo. Sanglit, nagkakagaramo ka. An im' mga duros, pan-ibani An di' na nasusul-ot, ayaw na pagdinad-a. Hap-ira. Tipiga. Kun mahimo, plantsaha an im' darad-on nga im' la gud paggagamiton. An masasalin himusa o ipanhatag na. Di ngani suriti, sunuga. Pamati naman kay asya la iton nakabug-at han im' dara ngan im' dughan Happy Birthday, Lola Ping! Love, Your Country Mouse

[karenderya]

Leaving home .

Our concepts of home are dictated by the heart -- where there is comfort, warmth, security, and love. We sometimes depart from it, but if we keep it in our hearts, it is always right where we feel those four. I said goodbye to my home for the past 10 years. Not the physical structure, but the people I have worked with and helped me grow. I wrapped each hug and tears shed today in tiny capsules and kept them safe in my pocket-- among the memories I have saved; memories I have created with them. Each time a day seem a bit darker, lonelier than the usual, I'll pull each one and be reminded that home is not just planted on soil, but also that which is/are nurtured in our hearts.

[karenderya]

This showed up in my Thrwoback Timeline and apparently, I wrote this a year ago. This still holds truth these days. KC took this photo of me before we left the pub where we ate fish and chips and catch up with a decade worth of stories. It's heartwarming to know how much we've "grown" and conquered the world -- sometimes, quite literally. We talked about life, love and our concepts of home; how going after your dreams is not all about rainbows and bright stars because in reality, we, most of the time, get wounded, bleed, cry and break our own hearts and those whom we love most as we go after what we yearn for. But at nighttime or at daytime (depends when you usually sleep), before we close our eyes to sleep, it is comforting to know that the Universe gives you options to take and live up to. And more importantly, a brave heart to get through.

[karenderya]

Au Revoir, Aura

I closed the FPC Aura site last night on the last day of the year. I gathered the last few office stuff I collected over the past 2 years of my Aura stint. I dragged my heavy bag containing mementos and some sentimental garbage, while managed to maintain small talks and avoid having to discuss it. I had a dam filled of liquid emotions waiting to be released by a prick of a needle. It wasn't a very good idea. 😜 To everyone who have been part of our Aura program for the past 2 years, from the beginning until the last call taken today, thank you all so much. We will all have our versions of "Best Team Ever" in the coming days and years, with our new teams, or even new companies as we move along, but you guys have managed to secure that star in my sky, where I hang my achievements and fond memories. We will all consider FPC Aura a success and brag as an achievement in many aspects because the journey wasn't easy, but we managed anyways. Thank you all for being part of it.

[karenderya]

Au Revoir, Aura

I closed the FPC Aura site last night on the last day of the year. I gathered the last few office stuff I collected over the past 2 years of my Aura stint. I dragged my heavy bag containing mementos and some sentimental garbage, while managed to maintain small talks and avoid having to discuss it. I had a dam filled of liquid emotions waiting to be released by a prick of a needle. It wasn't a very good idea. 😜 To everyone who have been part of our Aura program for the past 2 years, from the beginning until the last call taken today, thank you all so much. We will all have our versions of "Best Team Ever" in the coming days and years, with our new teams, or even new companies as we move along, but you guys have managed to secure that star in my sky, where I hang my achievements and fond memories. We will all consider FPC Aura a success and brag as an achievement in many aspects because the journey wasn't easy, but we managed anyways. Thank you all for being part of it.

[karenderya]

Kooki

Hug the tightest, the longest and be sincere; and finally when it's time to go, be the last one to let go. I was in Heathrow in London boarding for my flight back to Dubai when we last saw each other; you where on your way back to Greece. We talked for a few minutes until my flight was called. We last saw each other 8 years before that in another airport and you were headed to another country. We didnt get to have a selfie because our smartest phones were dead. But we hugged really tight and for a long time, because we both used to let go last. I will always remember how much you loved hugs and how you reminded me about my stars and how to find them; about my dreams and how to get them. And that for always, to never lose your heart as you do it. Thank you, Kooki. Tightest hugs and happiest goodbyes. You are home.

[karenderya]

Grateful to have seen Lea Salonga, for the first time, in person. She was inches away from me in the lobby but we were rushing bec the show was about to start, so no photo op. Gosh. For the second time, life to date, I was able to grope a rare feeling in my heart upon seeing her that close -- the first was when I saw Taj Mahal for the first time. ❤️ See you on November 10.

[karenderya]

Grabbed this photo posted by my gradeschool friend. We were in Grade 1. I was the tallest (and heaviest) kid in class. The boy behind me was my first crush. 😍 I remember when we used to exchange notebooks to the other group in class, I would move mountains to make sure I get to have his notebook so I can scribble hearts, lots of it, beside "Corrected by: Karen Raagas" One morning, while falling in line for the flag ceremony, he told me, "wag mo na raw sulatan yung notebook ko ng mga hearts sabi ng mama ko. Tsaka 'muscles' daw bigkas non, hindi maskels." That was my first heartbreak. His name is Francisco Camaing III. Bless his heart. 😁

[karenderya]

Fan Girl Confession ahead. I've known her since West Side Story in 2008 in Meralco; Never bothered for a photo op then at the stage door after the show; four years later I fell in love again at her first note in The Sound of Music in Newport Theatre. That's when I became a convert. Small productions, album launch, fund raising events where she gets to sing, musicals, concerts, tv guestings, music video launch, and stage doors in between, I realized that I never really was a fan girl until there was Joanna. During her Cats production in London, I seriously considered flying to London to watch her live. A year later, I was able to tick that off my list -- only, she was no longer Grizabella when I got there. I am a Noranian, a true blue Streep-er; I revered Celine Dion and Beyoncé and Spice Girls -- but before any of them, I am Joanna's fan, her craft and her passion for theatre. 😘😍 Tonight, she remembered who I was, and fan girls out there would always understand how much it meant.

[karenderya]

Remembering Velinda Amigleo Samonte

Mama used to work as a caregiver in New York. Cubao. Hehe. Papa recommended her to his Boss in Nawasa back then when his wife got bedridden after suffering from stroke. She started working for this family in New York. Cubao. Hehe. for as long as I could remember, probably as early as when I started going to preschool. On weekends, since I had no yaya, I would tag along and sleep over in their residence in New York. I'd sleep in the room where Mommy stays and everytime, Mama would jokingly tell her "uy, Mommy wag ka muna madedeads ha. Antayin mo muna si Karen makagraduate." And of which, she'd answer, "ay walang kaso. Sige ba." As if death was something one decides to avail or not. Eventually, I got older and my visits got a little less frequent until I stopped going to their home. But during enrollments, end of terms and moments when Mama had to shell out something for school, she would jokingly say, "naku sana lang talaga wag muna yang mamatay si Mommy kundi tigil aral ka na din." And these familiar statements went on each year, each recognition and graduation day, each and every semester. In my last year in UP, towards the last stretch of thesis defense and completion of requirements for graduation, Mama was telling me, "sabi ko nga kay Mommy, steady lang. Konting konti nalang." In April, the names of the graduating class of 2006 were announced after the deliberation of our Department and I was part of it. The following day, Mommy, Mama's patient, died. I remember her in random moments, like this and whenever the topic of death comes up. I will forever be indebted to her. She used to be Phil Normal University's President (I think), but to me, she was Mommy.

[karenderya]

How I scored a £10-ticket to a West End Play (or How I ended up taking a selfie with Nicole Kidman)

My London trip was composed of gazillion of stories and this is among them. Actually, this was among the biggest ones I got from that trip.

Prior to leaving for London, I did not prepare any itinerary except for some lists that I had conjured in my mind for years now ~ like watching a musical or stage play in West End, seeing the actual Platform 9 3/4, museums, Shakespeare and other geeky stuff. Upon arrival in London and getting the hang of the amazing Underground, I found out that Nicole Kidman was back in the West End stage and her play was running during my stay in London. I didn’t give it much thought though since I wanted to watch either Miss Saigon or Les Miserables and back then, I had no idea how much the tickets costed, and assumed that it would eat up much of my travel funds. 

I saw Photograph 51′s poster again another day and decided to give it a try. So I Googled its play dates and time plus how much the tickets were. They were expensive; or at least the date I was trying to book. But before leaving the page, I chanced upon the fine print that they were actually giving out limited day seat tickets for 10 pounds. But one has to queue early to secure one. So, that early, I managed my expectations that there’ll be long queues for the day tickets, with zero probability of getting one, and that it’s still worth a try anyways.

I woke up 6AM the next day and made sure I was on my way to Noel Coward Theatre from Equity Point, where I was renting. I got there i little past 7AM and to my surprise, there were only 5-6 people ahead of me. I had to ask most of them if that really was the queue for the day tickets and they all said yes. I thought, it was a lucky day. 

I was able to get one for myself, for 10 pounds and even helped the Sri Lankan lady behind me in the queue to buy more for herself since one can buy a maximum of 2 tickets at 10 pounds each. We were only given vouchers for the tickets and we’re supposed to comeback at exactly 7 PM to redeem the actual ticket.

The Sri Lankan woman, Nilru and I exchanged emails and told me if I happen to visit Sri Lanka one day, someday, I was welcome to stay in their house. She was amazed when I told her that I was travelling alone for my birthday and she told me about her children who were both Cambridge and Oxford educated. 

When I came back at 7 PM to get my ticket, and meet Nilru, the Sri Lankan lady with her ticket, I accepted the fact that it will most likely be an audio performance rather than visual since I am almost certain that I will be seated at the farthest seat of the theatre. When I got in, I got the surprise of my life to see that I was on the second row, 2 seats from the center, less than 3 meters away from the actual stage. On a normal performance, we all know that this is not the best seat as it would result to neck discomfort from looking up for two hours. But we were watching The Nicole Kidman and it was, therefore, the best seat.

That’s when I started to cry. Yep, right before the performance. Photograph 51 is a straight play, almost no musical scoring and was pure conversation and acting. But in several instances during the performance, I was crying out of gratitude. Nicole, by the way, was this close:

When the performance ended, I had to rush because I was still supposed to meet my friends in another place but then I remembered that they usually come out of the stage door so I waited with everyone else. 20 mins later, in the unforgiving cold air of London at nighttime, Nicole came out of the Stage Door and gracefully signed play bills and did selfies.

 I fought my way to the nearest railings and as she was about to turn away, her assistant yelling, "that's it! That's it thank you very much!" I gathered all my strength to shout, "Nicole! One last please! I flown in from the Philippines to just to see you!" Of course that was an entire lie. I did not even know she's back in the London stage until I was already in London. She turned back, and said, "you did?" and did I mention that I hugged her before the selfie? Yep. I’m a lucky girl, I know.

[karenderya]

#ProjectWandergirl

First post for 2016! Yey!

I skipped the usual year ender because there was so much to write about my biggest, craziest and most meaningful year to date. I’ll work on that later. 

So what is this #ProjectWanderGirl all about? 

I’ve travelled a considerable number of provinces in the Philippines and a handful of countries abroad. I’d like to think that I have been a good traveller and companion to those who get to travel with me. So only when you are comfortable travelling with me for 5 days -- read on. 

So what if I ask you if you had 5 solid days to spare, and pack your bag, enough for a 5-day adventure which may include, air, land and water travel plus getting wet and crazy in between, head to the airport in 4 hours time, bring this much money to spend (I, unfortunately, cannot should everything). The only catch, you don’t get to ask questions. Would you trust a crazy woman? 

That’s exactly what this is all about. 

I’m bringing 3 of my friends (who are as crazy as I am), with the hope I can bring something new to them, and something they could write about. :) 

Who gets to go? We’ll find out.

[karenderya]

London

While many think that this trip to London was pegged from the romanticised Liz Gilbert's trip to find herself and was documented in the very much celebrated book and film Eat Pray Love, it wasn't. More than a year ago, there were 8 of us who planned to go on a trip to Europe -- France, Italy, Netherlands, Germany, Greece. UK, particularly London, was not even part of it. In November of 2014, we booked our flights MLA-DXB-MLA to put "skeletons" to our ‪#‎RoadToEurope2015‬ plan. There were 6 of us left then. Those who were "eliminated" had their own travels and compelling reasons not to go.

After a few months, we drafted the specific plans for the trip. In Excel files, we had planned which cities to go, for how long, what day, down to the time of train departures -- all in Excel. While we were browsing through gazillion of travel sites, I realised that London was just 2 hours away from Paris, we could probably include that in the itinerary. Albeit, one has to get a separate visa since it's not covered by Schengen. We found ourselves later on booking the DXB-LGW flight. Please take note too, that we have not started applying for visas then.

When we started lodging our Visa application, there were just 3 of us left to go on with the trip. While one was conscious of the time, me and the other one were master crammers so it was too late to realize that the time left before our flight would no longer suffice to lodge the Schengen Visa. We were still able to lodge it in Italian Embassy but I had to pull it out two weeks later since my flight to London was the next day. There were two "missing" documents that we had to provide, only to find out that they were actually submitted and the consul was too lazy to look for it in the file given. I cried in front of the consul for ruining my plans. I would have no regrets though, and left it all to fate LOL except for the fact that the 1/3 of us most probably wanted to kill us for out lack of urgency.

Then of course, there goes the reality that we actually have jobs and being leaders, our presence in the operations was crucial. The 2/3 decided to postpone the trip for upcoming clients and account's major event while me, in my account, one manager resigned, one got sick, and that makes me the only manager in 300++ ftes. I had all the reasons to postpone the trip. The trip I have asked permission to go 8 months prior. But then, plane tickets aren't free and I don't have that much to rebook them anytime.

Fastforward to my connecting flight to Istanbul, the check in guys, not even the immigration, prevented me from boarding the plane as I didn't have a return ticket from LGW to DXB. I was able to get past through him anyways but the moment I sat down in my aisle seat, I cried uncontrollably. That was the scariest adult moment I had. That was when I thought, there isn't anything romantic about this trip. There isn't anything liberating or empowering about this trip at all. Why one must give up your warm bed for crammed budget airline seats to sleep for 9 hours? Why must one get the scare of their lives like confiscating your passport taking photos of it and of you while the other passengers who are on your same flight do not get the same treatment? Why do you have to spend? Why even travel when I can use the money for downpayment for a new car or an LV?

Arriving in London and looking at its Underground system full of color and promise, I was like, how the hell will I ever navigate that? In two hours staring at the map, I was hopping from one Tube station to another doing touristy stuff. I made sure I had plenty of time to stop and take everything in. And reflect how it was for me being 30 --

On Adulthood -- I refuse to grow up. I refuse to decide on major things that would only not affect me but a few hundred people, especially at work. But it is needed and growing up is inevitable. You fight for your rights, and for those who do not have access to venues to speak their minds or rally for those who cannot. You decide and live up to it. It doesn't matter if it is your own or you joined the bandwagon, what's important is you know why you chose it and be able to stand up for it.

On Work -- there is no compromise for Integrity. There is no somewhat, kind of or sometimes when it comes to Integrity. You lead by example. Give credit where it is due and never reprimand in public. When you're tired, always find your spark -- it maybe a crush on your co-manager, it may be your team and what they do, it may be your Boss who sticks up with you no matter how difficult you are. Love your work and never stop learning new things and unlearning stuff you do not need. And when you do, teach.

On Love -- you do not let destiny decide on your happiness. If you love someone, write them a letter, send them boxes of love to their address, write them poems --point is, let them know you love them. Do not ask your seatmate to let him/her know. Do not drop hints. Tell it to them, make them feel it. When you get no response, or you get rejected, shrug it off. But do not be bitter about it. Most of the time, you are enough, but the person is just not into you. You have to be okay with that. Love completely and fearlessly. But leave some for yourself. And sometimes, the laws of the land do not agree with the laws of love. So be mindful. Adultery and Bigamy are expensive and painful.

On Life -- follow your heart. It is cliché but most of the time it is true. Do not allow anyone to tell you you've taken the wrong degree in college, or your wardrobe color pallette is awful, or you're obese and your double chin does not look good in your selfies. If you decide to take your own life, I will respect that but know and remember that you will be missing a lot in this planet. Do not take depression of someone as "arte" or "kadramahan", reach out and do not judge. Surround yourself with people more intelligent and more experienced than you. Do not speak ill of your enemies and stick to the topic when you argue. You might love them back later on and those ugly words will not help. Plan, but prepare your heart for disappointments and sudden twists and turns. Like this London trip. When they happen, cry as much as you want but convince yourself that you are not losing control of everything. This is the Universe' Randomizer taking over.

Thank you, everyone, for keeping up and loving me for the past 30 years. I am not easy to love because I demand so much from this world, but knowing all of you are there, validates my theory that life is really beautiful.

xx, K London, 91815

[karenderya]

"In my world, you were this big of an astronaut; or maybe even bigger, I can no longer scale it.

Several moons ago, when you have unexpectedly landed on this surface that is my heart, I have allowed you explore the uncharted terrains of my emotions -- those that I have kept for so long -- I didn't know they were mere dead stars, just dead stars.

I have waited for you for so long. And when you came, only to leave this barren trail again, I said, "I thought you were any good. I thought you were different. But you were only here for the rocks, isn't it?" To which you replied, "I was looking for gravity and found none. I was looking for something to pull me closer to you, but I got none."

You were no more than astronauts who only existed in Astronomy books. You were no more than that. But I will patiently wait for you to come back. If only that pull can be drawn from the sun."

-kr, 81215

[karenderya]

Now I kept thinking We never really said goodbye when you left So I kinda put a semi colon on our story;

And then you continued Making me believe That ours was an ellipsis...

But through the days You slipped away Away from me Like the two other dots In your make-believe ellipsis.

-kr, 081615