kaybound

[kaybound]

11/28

If it is you, well then you are Victor and I’m Emily. Sure, Emily doesn’t get to be with Victor in the end, and you are with Victoria now, but I’m the main character. I get to be the Corpse Bride. 

[kaybound]

All Too Well

Explained to my mom how wrong the relationship Taylor Swift (20 yrs at the time) and Jake Gyllenhaal (30 yrs) had with its gaslighting and immoral power dynamic and proceeded to be gaslighted for my opinion. Too many afterthoughts to this point but I just want to have this point written. 

Reminds me of the time I told my older brother yes climate change is real and was just continuously told no its not, its fake news because of his undying obsession and love for Trump. And I’m called blind and an idolizer to Joe Biden when all I did was for vote for the man so Trump wouldn’t be reelected. None of them are great and sure I don’t understand all the details for how climate change is happening, but I can see it happening with ice bergs and animals extinctions. I can see how Taylor Swift and many other girls were hurt in relationships where they were groomed. 

I guess seeing and understanding isn’t enough anymore. I guess having an opinion isn’t enough anymore. I feel bad I can’t argue. I feel even worse that I want to cry. The words “You’re too emotional” keep filling my head from my brother and mom and every other person I can remember. I keep thinking that one day I can make the perfect argument. Maybe it’d be better if they saw me .......

I guess I can stay quiet or try again for that argument. 

[kaybound]

9/30

"A hundred-year-old fudge recipe and she gave it to me - just like that," he said snapping his fingers and tilting his head up to show a smile.

It only took him a bit of time with a girl to be offered this recipe.

Most likely a conversation or bit of flirtation.

I smiled for him at that moment, but I remember feeling a hint of jealously at the back of my head wishing I could offer a hundred-year-old fudge recipe.

But it'd be months later that I offered him a kiss - just like that because I was his friend for just a bit.

- - - -

I woke up from a nap reminded of that moment. Maybe because yesterday I was told that he remains as always, sad but now he flirts with most girls in his class after feeling validated for his physical appearance. A glow up, if you will. He is uncommitted as he has been all throughout high school, but I believed I could give him a relationship that would be long-lasting. I ignored his past because I was his best friend, and I felt more important than all the girls he dated and talked to before. I felt more than the girl who offered the recipe. I wanted to offer more than a recipe. And just like that - just like that girl who came and went with a conversation and a bit of flirtation; he was gone. He took the recipe and went. The recipe might've contained some happiness and laughter, inside jokes, or songs only we shared. It had revelations and my words as I told him how I felt and what I felt in my life at home or my own body. The commitment I put into having a relationship that didn't start only a few months ago, but years in the making. I gave it my all for this recipe. A hundred-year-old recipe isn't something that comes out of thin air. Generations of people put their heart and soul into this. I might've not had a generation of people inside of me, but god it took me generations of people to be alive. And he mattered to me. The recipe mattered to me. I didn't just give it away because of a bit of conversation or flirtation.

Yet maybe this time he isn't snapping his fingers and tilting his head up in joy. But a part of me imagines he did.

[kaybound]

lmao 

he ended our relationship and started flirting with everyone thinking he is all that with his glowup.

fuck you

[kaybound]

9/27

i just hate how you told me i love you since forever, and now i don’t think i’ll ever hear you say those words again. when our relationship ended it felt like the friendship drowned with it and everything we put into making it ours. 

you got to me. i’m jealous. i’m jealous of every person who will have the chance to share a conversation with you. to share a smile with you. a dance or a meal. 

i’m only left with the memories of our time together and i don’t think i can ever recover from the heartbreak because i gave you permission to hate me and now i feel unworthy of love when it was love i gave you permission to give me. 

im sorry. i told you i felt like our relationship would end but a part of me said no it could never. i told you i loved our friendship. god i even tried to push your arms away from my waist as you kept saying i love you and every chance you had to express your feelings before we became anything more than friends. you were the bomb waiting to explode, and i let it happen. i let you into my life as a relationship when my heart felt like it was healing from the heartbreak of losing someone who passed. you left me. you broke my heart. 

i can still hear you saying, “goodnight,” after the breakup. so final. serious. 

i dont want the heartbreak again.

and yet i want you back in my life so much. 

you are my friend. 

and it hurts knowing i cant come to you anymore after you made promise after promise to be here for me. 

i want to let you into my life and just put a bandaid over my heart, but i know thats not how it works. 

i want to let you into my life and i wish it were like the Little Prince and the fox - come to me everyday to the same spot and each day i’ll let you closer and closer. like the little prince tamed the fox - you can be my friend again. 

[kaybound]

16/04/16

All my demons are in this album.

[kaybound]

Frankenstein

I remember parts of sophomore year. 

I say this because it was the year I tried to take note of my emotions and state of mind.

I would think about myself in a past state and there are only few moments I can go into detail about. 

But I can’t remember who I was or what I was pursing, thinking, or even liked to do during those days. 

I had heard there are people who are capable of remembering their state of being inside the womb of their mothers, and yet I can’t remember even being 4 or 6 years old. 

The earliest memory I have is being 7 years old and Flor, a family friend telling me if I wanted to go on the green rollercoaster at the back of the Six Flags Arlington park. I being of height then said yes and I felt alive for the first time. Ever. 

From then on I would ride rollercoasters. All of them, kid coasters and 13937484 foot coasters.

I remember freaking out when I swallowed a quarter and my grandma having to call my family to pick me up to take me to the doctor immediately because I mistaken a chocolate coin for a real one.

I remember moments my mom would get real mad at my older brother for doing “stupid” things. It was funny the way my mom said stupid, stretching out the u. “StUUUUUpid.” 

She got mad at him for spilling sprite in the car. She got mad at him for texting a girl. She got mad at him - well I wasn’t really sure but I know it got so bad to the point when she took away his phone, his face went red and it stayed red the next day. 

The thing is no matter how many times he got in trouble, I never avoided him. 

I was always looking for ways for us to spend time together. When we were younger, we would color together and play video games. I remember when a hurricane turned our lights and electricity out, but my dad used a generator and let us stay up to play Mortal Kombat and a car racing game. 

My dad had forgotten to pick us up at one point after school, and my older brother knowing the way home, decided to get us home on our own. It was one of my happiest memories. 

When he decided to stop going to church with our family. A part of me still yearned for him. I would learn how to use flags at the church dance group and giving the kids at my church bible teachings like he did at his new church. 

Not having any male figures in my life left me looking for one in every one that entered my life. 

I was bullied a lot in elementary school for religious reasons. It got to a point where the shy girl started a food fight and I went home balling my eyes out that I disappointed everyone around me. The face the teachers and the nicer classmates made was locked in my memory. 

When I finally left that hellhole, I was only thrown into a new one in middle school. For a year, I was learning to readjust but I don’t think I ever did. 

When I met this person, I wasn’t impacted immediately. We were only friends. Today, its completely complicated and especially sadder than the last years we knew each other. I wonder what my life would’ve been like without him. 

That hellhole was not entirely bearable, but the people there made it better. The people who did then are no longer part of my life now. None of them. They are either out of state or we lost connection. 

In sophomore year, I read Frankenstein and I wanted to come alive like the monster did. 

Only when I finally made the move to, the dean of the school didn’t allow me to have a counselor. 

Who would’ve I been if were able to come alive in 2018? 

[kaybound]

September 24th | 1:29 A.M

Considering I don’t think anyone will read this anytime soon, I’ll let you on a secret. 

I promise by the time you read this I will have never missed a day to brush my teeth. 

I know I know its gross and lazy, but its hard some nights. 

A lot of what should be considered easy is hard. 

I should be able to brush my teeth every night. Wear my retainers. Wake up at a decent time before 12 or 1 pm. Be able to cook for myself or tell you how to make at least food that isn’t instant noodles or eggs. Maybe how to style my hair and braid it backwards on my own. Keep concentrated on one objective or not have my leg shake intensely as I tap my foot. Not have so many thoughts all at once and overthink or feel so many feelings or always have such a resting serious or sad face. Maybe not be depressed or insecure in every room I enter. Have a normal Instagram like every other girl I know. Be able to dance and have rhythm. Not be so shy or have good social skills when greeting others, making conversations, speak fluent Spanish, and impress every Latina mother I meet. Not fall asleep anywhere and everywhere I go or feel tired after a few hours. Be able to drive and look at all my mirrors when I enter the freeway. Be able to keep all my friends. Have my parents be proud of me, accept me, not be so hard on me on their beliefs and morals. I wish I could stop thinking about how much I hate living here and how much I hate how this place makes me feel. But I don’t want those who know me to push me to leave because I will leave in my own time I just can’t right now. I need to be here for people. I need to see my Abuela. I need to clean up the mess I feel inside before it follows me wherever I go. I need to accept that last year was not in vain. I can make up for all of lost time. I need to accept that although I couldn’t live fully last year I can live fully this year and I was able to do everything last year if not for her death. 

I need time. 

I need you to believe in me. 

You need me. 

[kaybound]

December 2017/April 2018

But I’m pretty tired, emotionally. I’m never physically tired much anymore. Simply tired. 

But that okay. Cause I may have bags in my eyes, but I got a bag full of things to do and be and I won’t let people down :)

I’m focused for the work and hardship that this life brings. That’s a weird motivation.

ANYWAYS

I got this. I always do :) Mostly, mostly. 

I think sometimes I need, someone. But they aren’t there. 

Its strange when no one is there, answering your calls and minor texts. You feel letdown. 

And I’m just lonely. Very lonely. Its very bad. Immmmm terrribly sad. 

Yes

I’m not okay 

I’m very terribly terrible 

I wish people talk to me

Text me

Call me up

Bother me with 100+ texts 

I don’t know I just want to have funnnnnnn

But no one wants to have fun 

No one. 

At least 

not 

with 

me 

I’m terribly sad

A sad being 

Sad sad sad 

stop 

i want it to stop 

Its Christmas time 

Hey 

Infinite

Is how I feel right now

Le Vie en Rose 

Is infine

I hope you think its cool

I mean you aren’t really there

But you know

I’m gonna head to California soon

And its pretty exciting 

When I think I’ll be way from just Texas

But I don’t know how I reaaaaaally feel

Like its exciting in thought

But honestly I don’t feel much right now and not lately 

I just want to text you 

Real, present you 

How busy can a person be?

Maybe you have too many people to think about 

Things to think about

I could never be in your thoughts 

no 

I have many people to think about 

Things to think about 

I don’t have to think about too many people if I don’t have too many people outside of my home to think about

I want more people in my life to think about 

For people to think about me 

To exist in other peoples’ lives 

How existential.

Well I don’t have many people to text right now 

Correction: to text me

I hope you don’t mind I bother you 

AHA MOTHERFUCKER WHATS UP 

Hey! 

Whats up 

Hey I thought you’d like this song..

HEY

You like the Beatles? I mean the overrated white british pop band of the century 

You like music?

I’ve been dancing a lot lately, ironically for someone who is beat deaf.

Let me tell you: Come On Eileen by the Dexy Midnight Runners is an obvious infinite song. I know it was popularized by Perks but come on its too good. 

It gets you on your feet immediately. 

If I’m honest, I wish someone would tell me, “Come on” as if I were Eileen and they wanted me to join in on a fun, exciting moment. 

Maybe even do Patrick’s and Sam’s dance in the movie. 

Maybe have a Patrick and Sam in my life to get me out of my monotonous and stagnant life as if I were the wallflower of my own coming of age story. 

I don’t know its a wish. 

That someone want me. 

Nvm, I’ve went too much into detail.

I wish I can tell you to listen to some of my music recommendations.

But you’re not even there. 

In a sense, you’re practically not real. 

Why do I always end up saying such sad things?

Excuse my negativity.

Today, I told you I was going to board.

You replied, “Well, you better talk to me more then.”

I should take this as a small things, but it stayed at the back of my mind. Its been a while since we’ve talked. 

Well alrighty.

I give up :) 

Cause normal people answer.

I’m not worth answering :)

I think I know now

The feeling of wanting to die 

A part of me inside crumbles and gently weeps with no tears under my puffed up eyelids. 

My eyes caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - my lips large and serious but my eyes small and sad. 

Inside I feel nothing but pity for who she is in the mirror, she doesn’t deserve to live. 

I’m not suicidal. I’m not depressed. I just get this sadness and loneliness that sometimes doesn’t leave. I sleep it out and cry until I’m numb and then it leaves. When it does I’m much more lively. My mom told me we are mentally healthy. She says we don’t need doctors to tell us that. Its simply fact and its all in our head. 

We all have setbacks in life. 

I will experience loneliness and we just have to accept and continue. 

There is a poem by Rupi kaur that says, 

We will wilt

Fall

Root

and rise 

in order to Bloom.

Hey, its been a while. 

You know talking to you lately is a lovely feeling.

Being with you is infinite and you don’t even know it. 

I often wonder though how awkward I am and whether or not I make weird at times for you. 

But I try my best to be cool and just be happy. 

No depressed me. 

No emotional me.

Happy.

Just stay happy.

And I do admit I’ve always been happy. 

I just had to be an idiot to set off that feeling inside me. 

When I look at my wrists

my arms 

my legs

and my 

I hate every inch of it 

Nothing is pretty about me. 

Everything is pretty about others. 

[kaybound]

dear you

my heart hurts 

you gave so much of yourself to me and left 

and i didnt want to leave after i gave so much of myself to you

[kaybound]

Everything is Just a Mess - The Brook and the Bluff

Head won't stop spinnin' round Make your decision now Head won't stop spinnin' Love me or let me out

The perfect song to romanticize not knowing what the fuck you’re doing with the perfect vocals and beat.

I’m comforted knowing I’m not alone in this feeling.