kaylintwloha

[kaylintwloha]

An asexual person is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Like most things, asexuality is a spectrum made up of shades of grey, and covers a lot of identities more than just asexual alone. It also encompasses demisexuality (only experiencing sexual attraction once an intense emotional bond is established) and gray-asexuality (experiencing sexual attraction rarely and/or only under certain circumstances).

Asexuality is a vastly misunderstood orientation. Here’s what asexuality is not:

Asexuality is not celibacy; it is not choosing to not have sex, because being asexual isn’t a choice.

Asexuality is not being afraid of sex, although there are asexual people (and non-asexual people) who fear/dislike sex to a great extent (this is called being sex-repulsed).

Asexuality is not a romantic orientation (you’re thinking of aromanticism); asexual people participate in romantic relationships of all kinds.

Asexuality is not believing that sex is innately wrong or horrible; many, many aces are very sex-positive!

And, lastly, anyone can be asexual; any gender, any age, anyone.

Now, just because someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean they don’t have sex. Lots of aces have sex for lots of different reasons — you can enjoy sex without having to be sexually attracted to your partner(s), or perhaps they participate in sex because they like to please their partner(s), maybe they would like to have a biological child, asexual sex workers exist, and so on.

There are, of course, asexual people, like me, who do not have sex at all, and have no plans to.

Understanding asexuality better means understanding and breaking down the various levels of attraction that exist. Sexual attraction isn’t the only one. There is romantic attraction, sensual attraction, aesthetic attraction, and so on. Anyone can feel these types of attraction, not just asexual people. These levels of attraction are best explained here at the AVENwiki, a resource for the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. This is where I’m going to get the definitions from, but I’ll be expanding on them a little bit.

Romantic attraction is an emotional response that results in a desire to have a romantic relationship with someone. Ever had a crush on someone? That’s romantic attraction. Aces (slang for asexual people) can and do experience romantic attraction, and have healthy, long-term romantic relationships, both with other aces and non-aces.

Sensual attraction is the desire to engage in sensual acts with someone, such as cuddling or kissing. Just because most asexual people do not experience sexual attraction does not mean that we don’t enjoy intimacy in other forms. Physical contact among people, in relationships or otherwise, is not an inherently sexual act. Aces sleep beside their partner(s), shower with them, give massages, cuddle in bed, etc., just like non-asexual couples do.

Aesthetic attraction is simply being attracted to someone based on their appearance and appreciating their unique beauty on a surface level. Some consider this a subset of sensual attraction.

Some aces experience all three of these kinds of attractions (like me!) and others do not. Asexuality is as varied as any other identity, and however it manifests for each individual asexual person is valid.

Out of all my identities — queer, nonbinary, transgender, asexual — coming to terms with and embracing my asexuality has, by far, been the toughest for me. I think this largely stems from living in an overly sexualized society that places too much value on how sexually appealing we are, as well as personally being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

It took me a long time to even consider that I might be ace because of the abuse I suffered; I believed for many years that the fact I was uninterested in sex in general was because I’d somehow been “damaged” by the man who abused me, and that with time and experience, I would eventually have and enjoy sex.

This was at a time when I was much younger and believed that if I was ever going to have a long-term relationship with someone — anyone — I would have to have sex, as much as that both terrified and disgusted me.

Not that I think sex is disgusting, because I don’t. I understand that sex is really important to a lot of people, that it’s a beautiful thing among consenting adults, and that it’s a large component in many relationships. I don’t think sex is dirty or wrong, it’s just never been something I’ve ever wanted or been interested in past vague curiosity.

The only thing that disgusts me is the idea of me having sex, not anyone else.

Finding the definition of asexual in the first place — years ago, on tumblr, I think — was the beginning of my journey. It’s why I always cringe when young people are mocked for exploring different identities while using social media. I wish I had known what asexuality was so much sooner! It would have helped me make sense of how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. It would have validated me at such a younger age when I desperately needed it.

When I did find it, I was opened up to a whole community of people who felt just like I did, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was broken or that I would one day have to do something I genuinely never wanted to do.

Working through the abuse was a lot harder, and it still is, but what I’ve come to understand both through therapy and on my own is that it doesn’t matter how much of me is innately asexual and how much of me was impacted by the abuse I suffered; I’ve been in a romantic relationship with my partner for three years, who is also ace, and this is the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I’m happy with being ace and I have no desire to change that about myself. Being asexual doesn’t limit me in anything I do, it doesn’t complicate my life, and it doesn’t depress me.

I’m not broken, so there’s nothing to fix.

And that’s the most important thing to remember: asexual people do not lack a sexuality, there is not a gaping hole where our sexuality should be, and we’re not “missing out” on anything. We are asexual, a wonderful, beautiful identity all on its own, and we simply experience the world and our relationships in a different way.

[kaylintwloha]

[kaylintwloha]

I’M SO SHOOK GUYS

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These giant balls showed up at a Siberian beach - WTF fun facts

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Over 50 people were arrested during a pot bust at a 1978 Aerosmith concert in Fort Wayne, IN . After they finished the show, the band offered money to bail out every single one of their arrested fans. About 28 took them up on their offer. Source

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The inspiration for Disney’s castles - WTF fun facts

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The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends.

Unknown (via thelovejournals)

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By bokehm0n

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How do you make friends? Where you buy them from? Someone help

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Leonardo DiCaprio  //  Johnny Depp

• like or reblog if you save 💕

• for better quality open the photos, wait a second and then screenshot them

[kaylintwloha]

It doesn’t interest me… what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me… how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me… what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know… if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know… if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me.. if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know… if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know… if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, Yes. It doesn’t interest me… to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done… It doesn’t interest me… who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me..where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know… if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah, The Invitation (via thelovejournals)

[kaylintwloha]

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love (via wordsnquotes)

[kaylintwloha]

Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

Emery Allen (via wordsnquotes)

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[kaylintwloha]

You felt familiar the moment I met you. A lovely sort of déjà vu. When we spoke or laughed or danced I became overwhelmed by the powerful sensation that I had been here before. And when we kissed I felt the energies of a thousand lives on our lips, like our souls had known each other all along.

Beau Taplin || D é j à   v u (via afadthatlastsforever)

[kaylintwloha]

things i love(d) about you; i. the creases around your eyes - they’d deepen every time i made you smile. it served as the perfect frame around your lively eyes. and like a painting, i felt you staring even when i looked away. ii. every time you laughed - melodic music to my ears whenever i told a stupid joke. your laugh sounds like hope, the promise that tomorrow will come with the chance to try again. i never felt like i deserved to hear it. iii. your gaze, when our eyes met - i don’t know how you did it, but with one look, you held the key to me. to lift me up or make my knees weak was a choice only you could make. i craved your spontaneity.

c.j.n. (via panamaweddings)