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kaysmomma9210-blog · 8 years ago

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My message to you.

There are some things that happen...we can't explain them... They just happen. Its tragic, and it hurts, the first thing we do as humans, is run towards anything that will take that pain away. Anything... Whether it be alcohol or drugs, sex, food or self harm, we cling to those vices, begging for them to take the pain away. Sometimes they do for a moment, you tell yourself that everything's better, but you still wake up empty hearted or broken.

How do I know? How could I ever know someone's pain? ....Well I don't. I do however know my pain...I know what it feels like to wake up with pain so deep inside you...your gasping for air, you fall on your knees with grief and it just swallows every ounce of you.

I've felt like it was just too hard to be here...in this world. I couldn't go one more moment with living this way. Everyday I cried...I cried for my own self pity. I cried for the life I wanted more than anything, but wasn't going to happen. I cried for the lose of my self dignity and the betrayal of someone I thought I loved. I cried for my child, and how I didn't give her the life she deserved. I had constant reminders of the one I hurt the most...I didn't care about anyone but myself, because I had put myself last so many times....i thought I deserved so much. When it all crumbled apart...I felt like i didn't want to live anymore. I was absent in life...I went through the motions. I tried reaching out to whoever was in reach...but I was a black hole. Swallowing up their encouraging spirits and leaving them dismantled. I laid in bed many days... I clung to every instant gratification that I could get and let time run its course.

Maybe by then...God felt sorry enough for me because he saw my crumpled body on the floor and showed his mercy. I had given up...my soul was crushed...and I couldn't bare the pain it took to even breathe. That was me...until a song came on my phone from a music station I rarely ever listened to. It spoke to the depths of my soul...it pumped blood into the crevices and cracks that had been tarnished and bruised. I felt life come into my spirit...and I wept. I wept and wept and then fell on my knees and begged for God to forgive me. I begged him to take the pain away. I would do anything...be anything....if he could let me stop hurting. I'm not going to lie...it took a little while. I talked to God about all the things I had done, I told him all the reasons why I wanted that life. Why I did what I did....and he showed me in ways I really can't explain...dreams and random thoughts...and occurrences...parts in music that just stuck out at me like a sore thumb. He gently showed my spirit why I couldn't have that life. He showed me little by little that material things meant nothing...and I shouldn't cry over what was no longer in my grasp.

Within a week...I woke up and the pain was gone. Completely gone.... No anxiety...no pain in my chest. I could breathe! I could feel the beauty of who God was in my heart...and by that I mean I felt like life mattered. My daughters happiness mattered. The man that loved me...mattered. I had to forgive myself and let go of that life..in order for God to heal me. I never thought it could happen....and I almost gave up multiple times. I went to church and walked out because I couldn't face him... I ran away so many times...but he always led me back into his arms.

He saved my life...he does all of the time...even when I don't deserve his mercy, he's there holding his hand out and telling me to follow. I mess up 24/7. I still fight the urge to be that person I wanted to be. I have to deal with my boyfriends pain that I put him through...and show him ive changed and am better every day. I still forget to pray and forget to thank him daily...but I will never doubt God ever again. I can't ever forget how he changed my life.

You can be saved too... Give God the chance to help. Take the hand he is giving you and let him pull you up. No amount of alcohol or drug will ever give you the peace and strength that God can give you. You can make it.... Life is beautiful because God lives in you...and he is all you will ever need.

Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ll fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Breathe Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ll fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide It’s the moment when humanity Is overcome by majesty When grace is ushered in for good And all our scars are understood When mercy takes its rightful place And all these questions fade away When out of the weakness we must bow And hear You say it’s over now I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ll fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here

"The hurt and the healer" by

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kaysmomma9210-blog · 8 years ago

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Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

I'm fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...

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kaysmomma9210-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Heartbroken...pregnant...but moving on.

m fine. I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become. No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby. But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light. Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again. Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me. I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain. I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily. One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well. The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red. I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out. The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude. It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore. We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through. Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy. One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together. His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go. We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it. D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him. We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other. After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing. He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger. I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night. One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life. The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends. I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday. That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th. C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true. I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst. I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep burying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression. I just want to move on and be happy. Here's to another day...

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