keiccu

[keiccu]

my mom yelled at me abt curing my mental illness with faith in god & sheer willpower while yanking my hair around multiple times, & then took my scrunchie & tenderly tied it in the same minute. completely normal behavior. she just handed me iced tea while im typing this & then proceeded to force me to listen to all this shit before she got mad & snatched my phone away & threw it on the bed. im not upset anymore im just logging it here so i dont forget. my eyes feel sore from crying but ive stopped now. im numb again.

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dont say my name !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[keiccu]

literally everyone treats me like shit

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i wanna smash ur fucking phone

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the world is ending again and again and again and again and nobody fucking cares and i just want to play but this stupid little shit wont show up so none of the games can continue stiupd stupid stupid friemd

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i wish i could stop thinking about things

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bothbothbothbotbothbothbothbotbbothbothboth

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im trying to reread the papers comparing them and the main diff was the identity thing and the sh thing and with that first one blurred as fucki cant tell if it’s either or bothbothbothbothboth

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im reading my vents and rants everywhere and it all makes sense

it’s either or both

so fucking sexy of me

so pathetic

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bothbothbothboth

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im actually confused again

idk if it’s bpd or cptsd maybw neither maybe both

but what im now sure of is that you dont fucking care

[keiccu]

im pathetic

[keiccu]

stupid useless pills

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everything is annoying. if i have to beg on my knees to summon anger only to face the mocking void, fine then. i give up. there’s always irritation instead.

i think it’s stupid how it feels like i’m in a burning house and every time i make the slightest shift my skin burns. nobody ever listens to me and nobody ever believes me and as i write that i’m remembering how i should ideally avoid extreme words like nobody and always and forever but isn’t that how it actually feels? it feels extreme and overwhelming. 

but whatever. fake it til you make it. fine then, it isn’t that final -- or is it? so annoying. who fucking cares.

i think there’s so much power in the word ‘whatever’. like i could be drowning in whatever the fuck has triggered me this time and chanting that word feels like physically beating down all the stupid feelings until they’re out of my sight for at least a moment.

i hate apathy so much. i think i still do. but if that’s what makes things easier then i’ll do that and be the thing i hate the most. not like i have much of a choice. plus there’s the opposite action thing, which reminds me i haven’t looked at the dbt book in forever. or the cptsd workbook.

soft copies are so annoying and i wish i had physical copies of the actual books. but that costs money like literally everything else. whatever.

whatever whatever whatever.

so annoying how nobody actually understands anything. everyone has these concrete beliefs that they hold onto and they’ve already formed mostly solid opinions about who i am and no matter how much i actually speak up, the words don’t usually reach anyone and they just hear what they want to hear.

will people actually take me seriously? even if their opinions about me aren’t necessarily negative like how some get intimidated because of what they’ve heard about me, it still doesn’t feel great and at worst it’s yet another version of that pedestal metaphor.

it feels so lonely and empty to be constantly misunderstood.

[keiccu]

im so fucking tired

i need therapy and thinking abt it makes me so mad and dizzy

im tired of diy stuff im sick of taking care of myself

when will someone else do it for me

[keiccu]

whatever.

[keiccu]

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH