kevosaicreations

[kevosaicreations]

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Title: “Pierre Poilievre’s Livestream Meltdown”

INT. PIERRE’S BASEMENT – DAY

Pierre Poilievre sits stiffly at a desk in front of a bookshelf filled with copies of “The Road to Serfdom,” a Canadian flag, and a sad little “Bring It Home” sign. He’s live on YouTube. The House of Commons is in session — but he isn’t there anymore, having lost his seat. He’s trying to stay relevant with his new show: “Common Sense Live with Pierre.”

PIERRE POILIEVRE

(fake calm)

Good afternoon, Canadians. While the House sits in chaos, I remain your unwavering voice for freedom and common sense — now exclusively on livestream.

He leans into the mic like a Canadian Ben Shapiro knockoff.

PIERRE

Let’s talk about inflation, the carbon tax, and how Mark Carney is waiting in the wings with his globalist—

He glances at the chat. His brow twitches.

CHAT WINDOW:

get a job, you bum

Bruce Fanjoy swept you LOL

Fanjoy 4 PM

cry harder

where’s your seat bro

Carney owns you

Mark Carney sends his regards

Shadow Leader of the Unemployed

PIERRE

(through gritted teeth)

Okay, clearly the Liberal trolls have joined us today. Probably on government-paid Wi-Fi. While they spam nonsense, real Canadians are suffering.

He attempts to carry on.

PIERRE

Now, the Bank of Canada — yes, the same one chaired by Mark Carney’s disciples — has once again—

CHAT WINDOW:

Bruce Fanjoy doesn’t need a livestream

Fanjoy out here passing bills while u passing time

Bruce took your seat AND your dignity

u got Fanjoy’d

Fanjoy 1 — Poilievre 0

this man got benched by a guy named Bruce

PIERRE

(snapping slightly)

Bruce Fanjoy won by 300 votes in a riding gerrymandered by woke bureaucrats and union hacks. He got lucky.

CHAT WINDOW:

bro he won fair and square

sounds like excuses

Bruce is live RN handing out food at a shelter

ur live whining in your basement

Carney owns you

Bruce owns your old desk

PIERRE

(getting visibly red)

This is the exact kind of online mob mentality Trudeau has fostered. You’re all just repeating “Carney owns you” like—

CHAT WINDOW (now wall of spam):

carney owns u

carney owns u

carney owns u

carney owns u

carney owns u

carney owns u

Fanjoy nation rise up

cry livestreamer boy

dude got ratio’d IRL

PIERRE

(shouting)

YOU THINK LIVESTREAMING IS EASY? I USED TO LEAD QUESTION PERIOD! I HELD THIS GOVERNMENT TO ACCOUNT! I—

He stares into the void. The chat keeps rolling.

CHAT WINDOW:

this is better than Netflix

rage quit incoming

go cry to Carney

#FanjoyFridays trending

Pierre finally throws his hands up.

PIERRE

(exasperated)

I’m done. If you want a country run by Bruce Fanjoy and Mark Carney, fine. Go eat your bug patties and pay carbon tax to heat your igloos.

He slams his laptop shut. The stream ends abruptly. The final frame is the chat, still flying:

CHAT WINDOW:

Fanjoy 2025

carney owns you

L + no seat + Fanjoy sweep

See you next stream loser

FADE OUT.

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[kevosaicreations]

⸻

Poilievre bravely accepts someone else’s job, calls it ‘humble service to Canada’

BATTLE RIVER-CROWFOOT, AB — In a deeply moving act of selfless leadership, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has accepted Damien Kurek’s sudden and totally-not-engineered resignation from Parliament, clearing the way for Poilievre to run in a riding that is statistically more Conservative than a truck rally playing Shania Twain.

Kurek, who has represented the riding since 2019, reportedly stepped down after “serious reflection,” “discussions with party leadership,” and possibly “being told what time to hand in his office keys.”

“Pierre is the best man to represent the people of Battle River-Crowfoot,” said Kurek, holding back tears and reading off a clearly pre-written statement. “Also, I love my new job as Special Advisor on Grassroots Outreach, which is definitely a real thing and not a made-up position to keep me quiet.”

When asked why he chose this particular riding, Poilievre explained: “This is a region I deeply respect. Its values are my values. Also, I noticed it votes 80% Conservative, so I figured—why not?”

Other politicians weighed in on the move:

Justin Trudeau responded, “It’s great to see Pierre finally admitting elections are optional. Maybe I’ll just appoint myself as mayor of Calgary next.”

Jagmeet Singh commented, “Honestly, I’m just shocked this wasn’t part of a Netflix docuseries called How to Hijack a Riding in 10 Days.”

Maxime Bernier, speaking from his podcast, added: “I was going to run there but they said no again. Still not mad. Totally fine. Just gonna scream into this microphone now.”

Political analysts say this move positions Poilievre well for continued dominance of the Conservative base while simultaneously dodging the risk of running somewhere competitive, like, say, anywhere with internet access and more than one sushi restaurant.

At press time, Poilievre had released a new campaign video featuring prairie fields, dramatic lighting, and at least three unconsenting cows.

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Damien Kurek Begins Bold New Role as “Special Advisor to the Guy Who Took His Job”

OTTAWA, ON — Fresh off his sudden and “completely voluntary” resignation from his seat in Battle River-Crowfoot, former MP Damien Kurek has landed a prestigious new position within the Conservative Party as Special Advisor on Standing Quietly Behind Pierre Poilievre in Photos.

According to a press release, Kurek’s new responsibilities include nodding during press conferences, holding clipboards with nothing on them, and occasionally being wheeled out to assure Albertans that yes, he absolutely did this of his own free will and not under duress.

“I’m just thrilled to continue serving Canadians,” said Kurek, smiling nervously while blinking “SAVE ME” in Morse code. “My new role is dynamic, impactful, and requires me to remain in close proximity to Pierre’s shadow at all times.”

Conservative Party insiders say the position was created specifically for Kurek after focus groups indicated that “throwing him out entirely” might come off as a bit too medieval.

“We value Damien,” said a party spokesperson. “And by ‘value,’ we mean we put him on a committee with a four-word title and no email address.”

Kurek’s daily tasks reportedly include:

• Pretending to take notes during Poilievre’s speeches

• Reposting every Pierre tweet with the caption “This.”

• Sitting at a desk labeled “Battle River Liaison” that is located in a basement broom closet in party HQ

In addition to his new advisory duties, Kurek will be the backup contestant for any upcoming pancake-flipping contests that Pierre can’t attend due to schedule conflicts or spontaneous populist outbursts.

When asked about the long-term prospects of the position, Kurek replied, “I’m hopeful that if I do well, I’ll be promoted to Senior Advisor on Wheat Belt Optics.”

At press time, he was seen ironing Pierre’s campaign flannel and whispering motivational quotes to himself in a mirror.

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[kevosaicreations]

Harper Hollis Brontë out here tweeting like they’re the whistleblower protagonist in a low-budget political thriller, except it’s all vibes and zero receipts. “I just happen to have a source” — what is this, National Treasure 3: Ballot Box Boogaloo? Sit down, Nicolas Cage.

You’re accusing poll workers of voter intimidation like you’re breaking Watergate, but your “evidence” is just vague tweets and main character syndrome. “Newcomers afraid of deportation” — wild if true, but wilder that you’re dropping it like gossip at a high school lunch table. You say this “news will break,” but right now it’s held together with tinfoil and vibes.

And “buck up asshats”? What are you, the sheriff of Twitter town? That line reads like it came from someone who writes angry letters to the editor in all caps, signed “A CONCERNED CANADIAN.”

Also, shoutout to the 1O — I assume you meant “IO” but the zero instead of an O adds just the right touch of conspiracy-boomer energy. Next you’ll tell us the ballots were printed in invisible ink and only reveal themselves under the gaze of a pure-blooded beaver.

Bottom line: if you’re gonna scream “reckoning” like you’re swinging a flaming sword of justice, maybe bring something sturdier than a shaky anecdote and a passive-aggressive tag of Elections Canada. Until then, you’re just another background character in the great political LARP that is Twitter.

[kevosaicreations]

This man looks like if a Monster Energy drink came to life, got into politics, and then lost a rap battle to a vape pen. Rockin’ a gold Trump head chain like it’s a religious relic—my guy, even Flavor Flav would say that’s too much. The hat says “Mayor of Magaville,” but it’s giving “Deputy of Delusion.” And that shirt? “Born to Ride Donald J. Trump”—bro, that’s not a biker slogan, that’s a cry for help.

Also, the ring, the tattoos, the oversized shades… this man clearly walked into a Spirit Halloween and said, “Give me the limited edition ‘Social Media Comment Section’ costume.”

This dude looks like if a Reddit thread got radiation poisoning. Dressed like a crypto scam and a bar fight had a baby, and somehow still ended up on parole. The “Mayor of MAGAVILLE” hat? Bro, that’s not a title—that’s a warning label. You look like you give unsolicited opinions at gas stations and call it a podcast.

That Trump head chain is wild—dude’s out here cosplaying as a clearance-bin boss in a GTA knockoff. If insecurity was an aesthetic, you just mastered it. And those sunglasses? Ain’t no UV protection strong enough to block out that level of midlife crisis.

You’re built like you yell “I know my rights!” before TSA even says hi.

Let’s keep cookin’:

This man looks like he got kicked out of both a biker gang and a Facebook group for violating community guidelines… somehow at the same time. Tattooed “Freedom” on his neck but probably cried when they stopped making Four Loko original formula. And that beard? Looks like it was drawn on by a Sharpie in the backseat of a lifted truck blasting Kid Rock.

He’s got the swagger of someone who gets rejected from reality shows about people getting rejected from reality shows. The Trump medallion? That’s not drip, that’s a cry for relevance. You look like you’d challenge a librarian to a duel over mask mandates.

And the body language? Throwing up the hang loose like he just discovered it yesterday on a Mountain Dew can. My guy, you look like you smell like Axe body spray and unpaid child support.

[kevosaicreations]

This post is giving “Boomer Facebook with a Reddit filter.” Boboji7 just dropped the War and Peace of political complaints, slapped a “Satire” label on it like it’s a hall pass for lazy writing, and then tried to end it on a meme-worthy note with “Elbows up everyone!” — which, ironically, is now a legitimate battle cry against Trump’s Manifest Destiny fanfic.

The whole thing reads like it was written by someone rage-Googling during a Tim Hortons drive-thru. He managed to cram in every possible buzzword except “woke agenda” and “globalist lizards,” and honestly, I’m a little disappointed in the missed opportunity.

Also, let’s not pretend the “Elbows up” line was clever sarcasm. That’s a national slogan now — you don’t get to co-opt the resistance call while rage-posting like a dollar-store Tucker Carlson. If Trump really starts marching north, I hope Boboji’s elbows are up and his post history is down.

Nice try, though. One maple leaf for effort.

[kevosaicreations]

Title: “Post-Debate Scrum: Carney vs. The Conspiracies”

Setting: Just outside the debate hall, media lights shining, microphones everywhere. Prime Minister Mark Carney, still wearing his debate suit and tie, walks up to the scrum podium. Journalists crowd in. Among them, five visibly overzealous Rebel News reporters jostle for space like they’re trying to win a reality show.

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CBC JOURNALIST: Prime Minister Carney, your fiscal plan hinges on the middle-class tax cut. How do you respond to critiques that it may not go far enough?

PM MARK CARNEY: Thank you. Our plan is designed to grow the economy sustainably—unlike some of the magical spreadsheets I’ve seen floating around. We’re balancing growth with fiscal responsibility. You know, adulting.

CTV JOURNALIST: Prime Minister, what’s your response to the Bloc’s claim that the federal carbon pricing plan is—

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #1 (interrupting): Prime Minister Carney, can you confirm or deny that your carbon pricing scheme is a covert UN plot to eliminate beef consumption and enforce cricket protein?

PM CARNEY (deadpan): Wow. We are five seconds into this scrum and we’re already off to the races. No, Rebel News, I am not part of a cricket-based world order. Though I must admit, they are an excellent source of protein. Shall I send you a recipe?

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #2: But isn’t it true that your economic advisor was once photographed near someone who attended a WEF summit, which means you’re basically Klaus Schwab’s Canadian sleeper agent?

PM CARNEY: Well, I was also once photographed near a beaver. Does that make me a Parks Canada mascot? Look, if proximity equals guilt, you might want to stay away from mirrors.

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #3 (holding a manila folder): We have documents—documents—that suggest your green infrastructure bill contains subliminal messages that promote Marxism. Care to explain?

PM CARNEY: Subliminal messages? What, like, “Invest in solar panels, comrades”? Listen, the only thing subliminal about that bill is how subtly it tries to fix the mess left by people who think the Earth is flat if it makes gas cheaper.

GLOBAL NEWS REPORTER (trying to keep it together): Uh… Prime Minister, on foreign policy—

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #4 (waving phone): This TikTok clearly shows a man with your exact hairline walking into a building with five bars of WiFi. Are you communicating with alien economists?

PM CARNEY: Only when Bell is down. Which is often. But no, I’m not phoning Mars for interest rate advice. Though I’d trust Martians more than some of the “experts” on your podcast.

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #5 (filming vertically): Prime Minister! Do you deny that the Bank of Canada has been using 5G towers to manipulate inflation and track thoughts of conservative Canadians?

PM CARNEY: You found us out. The inflation rate is actually beamed directly into your brain through your AirPods every time you listen to Jordan Peterson. Congratulations, Agent Rebel, you’ve cracked the economic matrix.

CBC JOURNALIST (muttering): What is happening?

PM CARNEY (to the rest of the scrum): If anyone here has a real question, I’d love to answer it before Rebel News accuses me of being a lizard again.

REBEL NEWS REPORTER #1: So you admit you’re not denying you’re a lizard?

PM CARNEY: [Stares directly into the camera.]

No. I am not a lizard. I prefer the term “cold-blooded fiscal realist.”

REBEL NEWS (collectively): That’s exactly what a lizard would say!

PM CARNEY (smirking): Then I guess I’m off to sun myself on a rock and work on the budget.

Carney calmly walks off while the Rebel News team starts filming a new video titled “EXPOSED: Prime Minister Admits Reptilian Tendencies.” Everyone else just kind of stares in disbelief.

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[End Scene]

[kevosaicreations]

Oh Adam Beattie, coming in hot with the political commentary like he just finished a two-hour YouTube binge of “How to Sound Smart While Saying Nothing.”

Let’s unpack this word salad real quick:

“Older people are voting for Mark Carney because Trump bruised their ego”?

Bro, what political Mad Libs generator did you pull that from? That’s not analysis—that’s your uncle’s Facebook rant after two glasses of boxed wine.

Adam’s basically saying, “Boomers are petty, their egos are sore, and that’s why the housing market sucks.”

Imagine blaming someone’s rent crisis on feelings about a U.S. president. That’s like blaming your parking ticket on the moon’s gravitational pull.

And calling it “frustrating, to say the least”? Nah man, what’s frustrating is trying to follow this logic without getting a headache. This isn’t commentary—it’s wordy finger-pointing dressed in a thrift-store suit of “I care about the youth.”

It’s giving, “I just discovered intergenerational discourse and now I have thoughts.”

It’s also giving, “If you don’t vote how I want, you clearly have unresolved emotional trauma from 2016.”

Adam, next time just say you’re mad Carney’s polling well and go.

[kevosaicreations]

Oh, Andrew Scheer giving relationship advice? That’s like getting fashion tips from a scarecrow in a Sears suit.

This ad opens like it’s a parody, but then… you realize they’re dead serious. It’s not just cringe—it’s cringe with taxpayer-funded lighting.

“Don’t text your ex” as a metaphor for voting Liberal? Bro, this isn’t a breakup—it’s a political system. The only thing more out-of-touch than the message is Scheer whispering life advice like your awkward uncle who read one self-help book and now thinks he’s Jordan Peterson.

It’s got the tone of a late-night infomercial, the charisma of unbuttered toast, and the emotional depth of a voicemail from your dentist. And whose idea was it to make this man the face of relatable dating wisdom? This is the same guy who looks like he gets nervous ordering at Subway.

The only thing more confusing than the ad is imagining someone watching it and thinking, “Yes. This. This is the reason I’m changing my vote.”

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[kevosaicreations]

let’s run with the vibe of that post and turn it into a cheesy, heartfelt rom-com:

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Title: Too Hot to Wife

Premise:

After ten blissful years with his high school sweetheart, an adorably awkward husband begins spiraling when he suddenly realizes he’s way too attracted to his now-glow-up-queen wife. Convinced it’s a “medical condition” or some kind of weird obsession, he secretly visits therapists, scours online forums, and even hires a romance coach—only to discover that maybe he just… really, really loves her. Meanwhile, she starts thinking he’s acting shady and suspects he might be hiding something serious. Hijinks ensue.

Twist:

In trying to fix a “problem” that never existed, he accidentally reminds her how madly in love with her he still is—and rekindles the spark in unexpected (and hilarious) ways.

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Casting:

• Paul Rudd as the adorably neurotic husband who treats being too attracted to his wife like a personal crisis. Because who better to play lovable, confused, and hopelessly in love?

• Mila Kunis as the effortlessly hot wife who’s lowkey flattered but mostly confused by her husband’s strange behavior.

• Awkwafina as the chaotic romance coach he hires, who makes things 1000% weirder before they get better.

• Ken Jeong as his unhelpful best friend who thinks the whole thing is hilarious and keeps egging him on.

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[kevosaicreations]

Oh wow, this flyer reads like someone got lost in a conspiracy theory subreddit and decided to go full tinfoil hat meets WordArt. Let’s break this down:

• “THE LIBERAL PARTY IS NO MORE!”

Bold of you to say, considering they literally still exist… and are, you know, still governing.

• “Installed by the WEF Elitist Globalist Cabal”

Ah yes, the ol’ greatest hits album: “Now That’s What I Call Conspiracies, Vol. 2030.” This sounds less like a political critique and more like the villain’s monologue in a low-budget spy thriller.

• “CANADA IS THE PRIZE!!!”

Dramatic much? Canada is not the Holy Grail, it’s a peaceful, polite nation with free healthcare and too many Tim Hortons. Calm down.

• “Mark Carney is the final boss”

Apparently this man is single-handedly masterminding the “collapse of Canada” while juggling jobs at Brookfield and BlackRock. Is he also controlling the weather and stealing socks from dryers?

• “Check the facts!”

Maybe start by providing any. Just one. A single, lonely, peer-reviewed shred of evidence would be refreshing.

• “VOTE CONSERVATIVE!”

Because nothing says “solid political strategy” like unhinged fear-mongering and all-caps propaganda that reads like it was printed during a power outage using Comic Sans and paranoia.

This flyer is less a persuasive political argument and more a cry for help from someone who’s been doomscrolling conspiracy TikToks at 3am.

[kevosaicreations]

This photo looks like the season finale of The Real Housewives of Conspiracy Twitter. You’ve got three people dressed like they lost a bet at a political science frat party, holding up a banner that screams “graphic design is my passion” — bold font, awkward spacing, and just enough desperation to make you want to delete your voter registration out of secondhand embarrassment.

The girl on the left is serving “mall cop energy” with a side of “I Googled activism once.” Meanwhile, the guy on the right is clearly just realizing this isn’t the Uber pickup line — he’s one group chant away from faking a phone call and power-walking out of frame.

And that @canadianrealpolls handle? Feels less like a legit source and more like a burner account that argues with strangers at 3am.

[kevosaicreations]

Oh man, this is political theater at its soggiest.

“Makes America’s Showers Great Again”? Really? That’s not a presidential executive order — that’s a rejected Shark Tank pitch from Kramer and Newman.

Imagine standing at a podium, in the most powerful office on Earth, and declaring war… on low water pressure. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is dealing with inflation, climate change, geopolitical conflict — and Trump’s over here treating lukewarm rinses like a personal attack on democracy.

KRAMER: “Low flow, Jerry! It’s the silent killer!”

JERRY: “You’re soaking wet, Kramer.”

KRAMER: “I had to use six nozzles just to feel something!”

And “Obama-Biden’s war on water pressure”? That’s like blaming a paper cut on the Geneva Conventions. The level of spin here is so hard, it might as well be coming out of the showerhead itself.

What’s next? Executive Order: Bring Back Plastic Straws Because They Don’t Get Soggy Like the Libs?

Trump’s legacy tour really took a detour into the bathroom aisle — but hey, at least now Americans can feel the pressure.

[kevosaicreations]

Oh boy, this post is a masterclass in pseudoscience meets incel fan fiction. Let’s break it down:

1. “Vaginal fluids estrogenise the body” – This is not science, it’s a bizarre Harry Potter potion theory. Vaginal secretions aren’t magic spells that turn you into a feminist. If that were the case, every gynecologist would be walking around quoting Marx and crying during indie films.

2. “Cuckolding the spirit” – This sounds like a rejected line from a Dark Souls lore video. What does that even mean? Is your soul being third-wheeled?

3. “Unprotected sex absorbs estrogen through the penis” – This guy just made the human body sound like a ShamWow. Fun fact: skin doesn’t just suck up estrogen like it’s soaking up spilled beer. That’s not how hormones or biology work, my guy.

4. “Men who eat pussy are spiritual lesbians” – Honestly, this one just sounds like projection mixed with confusion and a sprinkle of envy.

In conclusion: This post is like someone tried to explain biology after binge-watching Red Pill YouTube, failed 10th grade health class, and added a dash of medieval superstition for flavor. It’s not even wrong—it’s deliriously wrong.

[kevosaicreations]

This guy looks like he just finished a PowerPoint titled “Alpha Economics 101: Bench Press Your Way to Fiscal Dominance.” The only crisis in masculinity here is the fact that he’s trying to fix it with tariffs. Bro, no one’s growing chest hair because you slapped a duty on Canadian aluminum.

His face says “I have a strong opinion,” but his eyes say “I read one blog post and now I’m winging it on national TV.” The suit’s crisp, but that tie looks like it was picked out by a confused AI trying to emulate “assertive patriot.”

And the phrase “Trump’s Manly Tariffs”? Sounds like the name of a rejected cologne—“with bold notes of diesel, debt, and daddy issues.”

Also, why does he look like he’s explaining how to grill a steak using raw GDP? That hand gesture looks like he’s trying to manifest a bald eagle out of thin air.

Fox News graphics team deserves a roast too—bold font like it’s breaking news: “Masculinity found hiding in Section 232 of the Trade Expansion Act.” Relax, Brenda, it’s just tariffs.

[kevosaicreations]

Title: “The Game of Tariffs”

Setting: The Red Keep, King’s Landing. The Small Council is gathered in the throne room to discuss an urgent matter. Tyrion Lannister, Hand of the King, presides over the meeting. Varys, Davos Seaworth, Bronn, and Grand Maester Qyburn are present. Also in attendance: a very annoyed Daenerys Targaryen, an impatient Jon Snow, and an increasingly red-faced Sandor Clegane (The Hound).

⸻

Tyrion: (sighs, sipping wine) “So, let’s review the catastrophe at hand, shall we? The esteemed President of the United States, one�� Donald J. Trump, has issued a reciprocal tariff against Westeros. Twenty-five percent. Effective immediately.”

Davos: (grumbles) “And here I thought Stannis was bad with numbers.”

Jon Snow: (furrowing his brow) “What’s a reciprocal tariff?”

Varys: (smirks) “It means he’s taxing our goods because he thinks we’re taxing his. Though, last I checked, Westeros doesn’t even import McDonald’s.”

Daenerys: (angrily) “And yet he taxes me? Me? The Mother of Dragons! I will not stand for this!”

Bronn: (grinning) “Maybe he’s scared of foreign competition. Your dragons would make Kentucky Fried Chicken nervous, too.”

Tyrion: (rolling his eyes) “Oh, but it gets better. We’re not alone. Narnia is getting hit with a 67% tariff, Mordor 29%, and Hogwarts 33%.”

Qyburn: (perks up) “Hogwarts? Are they a threat?”

Varys: “Only to standardized testing scores.”

Davos: (shaking his head) “I don’t understand. Why now? Why us?”

Tyrion: “According to a raven from his ‘Chief Strategist’—and I use that term loosely—Westeros has been accused of unfair trade practices. Specifically, Trump is upset that we export wine but don’t import any of his… Trump-branded alternatives.”

Bronn: (laughs) “That swill? I’ve pissed better vintages than that.”

Daenerys: “And what of his… visits to Littlefinger’s brothel?”

Varys: (raising an eyebrow) “Ah, yes. Lord Baelish’s former establishment. Reports suggest that Trump was last seen there boasting about his… conquests. Though several witnesses confirm he was alone the entire time.”

The Hound: (growling) “You mean to tell me that orange twat has been in our brothels and now he’s screwing us in trade too?”

Tyrion: “Precisely.”

Jon Snow: (crossing arms) “We must retaliate.”

Tyrion: “Agreed. I propose we issue our own tariffs on America. Effective immediately.”

Daenerys: “Good. I shall impose a 50% tariff on their steel.”

Davos: “And 75% on their ‘freedom fries’—gods know they’re an insult to real potatoes.”

Bronn: “And a 90% tariff on whatever the hell a Trump steak is. I’ve fought wars, and that meat scares me.”

The Hound: (grinning) “And let’s make it illegal to import those bloody red hats. I swear to the gods, if I see one more ‘Make Westeros Great Again’ thing, I’ll start chopping heads.”

Varys: (smirks) “And perhaps we should send him a gift. A diplomatic gesture.”

Tyrion: “What did you have in mind?”

Varys: (innocently) “A dragon egg, perhaps?”

Daenerys: (smiling) “That’s far too kind, Lord Varys.”

Varys: (grinning) “Ah, but not a real one. Just a decorative rock. Let’s see how long it takes him to try and hatch it.”

Tyrion: (raising his goblet) “Then it’s settled. Westeros shall not stand for these tariffs! We will retaliate with every ounce of cunning, fire, and bureaucracy we possess!”

The Hound: “Or we could just send the Mountain over there and let him squeeze the bastard like a grape.”

Tyrion: (laughs) “Tempting. But for now, let’s start with the tariffs.”

(The council nods in agreement as the meeting concludes. Somewhere in the distance, a raven flutters toward Washington, carrying a letter that simply reads: “We do not negotiate with fools.”)

—END SCENE—

[kevosaicreations]

TITLE: The Poilievre War Room – “Oh No, We’re Losing” Edition

SETTING: A dimly lit campaign war room, somewhere in Ottawa. The energy is tense, but not in a productive way—more in a “we-might-get-fired-tomorrow” way. Whiteboards filled with bad slogans. Empty Tim Hortons cups everywhere.

CHARACTERS:

• Dave – The overenthusiastic intern who still believes they have a chance.

• Lisa – The jaded staffer who’s seen too much.

• Brent – The numbers guy, who is currently questioning his life choices.

• Megan – The “ideas” person, whose ideas are getting worse by the minute.

• Mike – The silent, wide-eyed intern who just started last week and is terrified.

⸻

SCENE OPENS:

(Brent slams a folder onto the table. It slides off and lands on the floor. No one picks it up.)

Brent: Okay. I ran the numbers. And, uh… we’re in trouble.

Lisa: Define “trouble.”

Brent: Carney is leading us by 20 points.

Dave: Oh. So, like… trouble-trouble.

Megan: Okay, okay. No big deal! We just need a big move. Something bold. Something unexpected.

Lisa: Like quitting?

Megan: No. Like… a viral moment. Something ironic. Something that says, “Hey, we know we’re losing, but we’re cool about it.”

Dave: Memes?

Megan: YES. Memes.

Lisa: We’re not running for prom king, Dave.

Dave: What if we lean into the fact that we’re losing? Like, really lean in. We post a tweet that just says, “Bro we are COOKED.”

Brent: That’s insane.

Megan: (nodding) …I like it.

Lisa: No. Stop. We are not tweeting “Bro we are cooked.”

Dave: Fine. What about a fake campaign promise? Like, “If we win, every Canadian gets a free raccoon.”

Mike (the terrified intern): …Why a raccoon?

Dave: I don’t know, Mike. It’s the people’s animal. Gritty. Scrappy. Eats trash but survives. Very on-brand for us right now.

Megan: Ooooh. What if we say “Mark Carney wants to ban fun” and just… never explain it?

Lisa: I cannot believe I went to university for this.

Brent: Look, guys. This is all fun and all, but unless we can turn “losing by 20 points” into “winning by one point,” we’re gonna need more than memes and fake raccoon policies.

Dave: What if we challenge Mark Carney to a boxing match?

Lisa: That’s literally a Trudeau thing.

Megan: Okay, what if we challenge him to something else? Like… an arm-wrestling match? No—a Monopoly game. We say, “If Carney is so good with the economy, let’s see him prove it on the board.”

Brent: …That’s so stupid it might actually work.

Lisa: Absolutely not.

(Silence.)

Dave: Sooo… “Bro we are cooked” is still on the table?

(The lights flicker. Everyone sighs.)

SCENE 2: The Emergency War Room – “Biological Clock Crisis”

SETTING: Same dimly lit war room, but now there’s panic. The vibes are even worse than before. The whiteboard that once had bad slogans now just says “DON’T SAY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK” in red marker. The coffee machine is working overtime. Twitter feeds are open. Someone has their head in their hands.

⸻

SCENE OPENS:

(Brent is pacing aggressively. Lisa is chain-drinking coffee. Mike, the terrified intern, is just staring at his screen, frozen in horror.)

Brent: How? How did this happen? We gave him one job: say normal things!

Lisa: We have a full-blown biological clock meltdown. Twitter is on fire.

Dave: …On the bright side, we’re trending!

Lisa: Oh, shut up, Dave.

Megan: Okay, okay, let’s not panic—

Lisa: Oh, we’re panicking.

Megan: Right, okay, we are panicking, but we need to spin this. FAST.

Brent: Spin what?! He basically told young couples, “Reproduce now or perish.” That is not how we win votes.

Dave: What if we say he meant it literally? Like, he was just super concerned about people’s actual clocks? Like, “Hey guys, make sure you set your clocks forward for daylight saving time!”

Lisa: …I hate that I almost like that.

Mike (terrified intern): What if we just say he meant biological in a cool way? Like… “Yo, your biology is awesome.”

Lisa: Mike, I swear to God—

Megan: Wait. What if we double down and say he was trying to compliment women? Like, “Pierre Polievre believes women are so powerful, they can create life itself.”

Brent: Oh great, let’s just pivot straight into a fertility cult. That’ll fix it.

Dave: We could just say he was quoting a movie or something? People love movies!

Lisa: What movie has a character just screaming about biological clocks ticking?!

Mike (terrified intern): …My Cousin Vinny?

(Silence. They all slowly turn to look at Mike.)

Megan: Holy—Mike, you might have just saved this campaign.

Brent: Okay. We tweet: “Pierre Polievre is a huge Joe Pesci fan. We regret the misunderstanding.”

Lisa: This is so stupid.

Dave: But is it stupid enough to work?

Megan: And THEN, we follow up with a joke tweet: “Pierre’s favorite movie is actually Fast & Furious 5, but he respects the classics.”

Lisa: …Are we about to gaslight the nation into thinking this was just a My Cousin Vinny reference?

Brent: Do you have a better idea?

(Silence. Lisa drinks her coffee.)

Lisa: Fine. Fire the tweets.

(Dave types furiously. The room is silent, waiting for the response. Then—PING! A notification. They all look at the screen.)

Mike (whispers, terrified): …We’re trending again.

Brent: Is it good trending or bad trending?

Dave (checking phone): …Uhhh. It’s confused trending. But I think people are buying it?

Lisa: Jesus Christ.

Megan: Alright, team. We survived another day.

Brent: We cannot keep living like this.

(The war room lights flicker. They all stare at the ceiling in silence.)

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 3: The Emergency War Room – “The Candidate Purge”

SETTING: The war room looks worse than ever. There are more coffee cups, fewer hopes and dreams. The whiteboard now has a new message scrawled in desperate handwriting: “NO MORE SCANDALS. PLEASE.” Everyone looks exhausted. The phone keeps buzzing with bad news.

⸻

SCENE OPENS:

(Brent has his head on the table. Lisa is rubbing her temples. Dave is typing furiously on his laptop. Mike, the terrified intern, is just staring at the wall. Megan is scrolling Twitter like it’s a horror movie.)

Lisa: Alright. Give it to me straight. Who’s gone now?

Brent: (muffled, face-down on table) Two more candidates.

Lisa: TWO?! That makes four!

Dave: One guy got caught saying… uh… let me check… (reading tweet) “Public libraries are a communist psyop.”

Lisa: Oh my God.

Brent: And the other one?

Dave: …Said seat belts are “government overreach.”

Megan: Are you kidding me?!

Mike (terrified intern): …Do we agree with that?

(Everyone glares at him. He looks down at his lap, silent.)

Lisa: Okay. We need a solution, or we’re gonna run out of candidates before the election.

Brent: Do we just… start firing people before the internet does? Like, a preemptive purge?

Megan: Oh, yeah, just scrap the whole party. Maybe we run attack ads against ourselves next.

Dave: What if we—wait for it—go through all our candidates’ social media, right now, and just… start deleting things?

Lisa: Do you know how many candidates we have? That would take weeks.

Dave: Not if we gamify it.

Brent: …What?

Dave: We make it a contest. We tell every candidate: “Whoever deletes the worst thing from their social media wins a Tim Hortons gift card.”

Megan: Oh my God.

Lisa: …Wait. That’s actually genius.

Brent: I hate that I agree, but we have to do something.

Mike (terrified intern): How much is the gift card?

Dave: Twenty bucks. It’s about the budget we’ve got left.

(They all nod, solemnly. Lisa starts typing up a party-wide email.)

Megan: Alright. In the meantime, how do we explain four people dropping out in two days?

Brent: “They left to spend more time with their families”?

Lisa: Too generic.

Dave: What if we go full chaos mode and just tweet: “We regret to announce that four candidates have been lost in battle.”

Megan: No. No. No.

Mike (terrified intern, whispering): …What if we blame Mark Carney?

(Silence. Everyone slowly turns toward Mike.)

Lisa: I hate to say this… but…

Brent: …What if we do blame Mark Carney?

Dave: “Due to intense pressure from the Liberal establishment, these brave candidates were forced to step down. Pierre Polievre stands strong.”

Megan: …I can’t believe this might actually work.

(Lisa sighs and presses “send” on the social media contest email. The phone buzzes again. They all stare at it in terror.)

Lisa: Who is it now?

(Brent checks the phone. His face goes pale.)

Brent: …Another one.

(Silence. The war room lights flicker again.)

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 4: The Emergency War Room – “Operation: Women Don’t Like Us”

SETTING: The war room is completely falling apart. The whiteboard now just says “Women. Why?” in giant, desperate letters. There are even more coffee cups, some of them now filled with energy drinks. Someone has left a half-eaten box of Timbits on the table. No one has touched them.

⸻

SCENE OPENS:

(Brent is holding a stack of polling data like it’s a death certificate. Lisa has her head in her hands. Mike, the terrified intern, is now just fully rocking back and forth. Megan and Dave are staring at a news article titled: “Women Don’t Like Pierre Polievre. Here’s Why.”)

Brent: Okay, everyone shut up. We are trailing 21 points with women.

Lisa: Twenty-one points. That is so many points.

Dave: That’s three touchdowns.

Megan: That’s a full legal drinking age of points.

Lisa: Shut up, Dave and Megan.

Brent: Okay, let’s be honest with ourselves. The biological clock comment killed us.

Lisa: It didn’t just kill us. It incinerated us. Women heard that and collectively went, “Nope. Never. Absolutely not.”

Dave: I mean, fair. If someone told me my biological clock was ticking, I’d launch myself into the sun.

Brent: So we need a fix. FAST. We need to make Pierre appealing to women.

Megan: (squinting at the numbers) …Has he tried, I don’t know, smiling?

Lisa: That would require facial muscles and joy, so no.

Mike (terrified intern): …Mark Carney smiles a lot.

(They all turn and glare at Mike.)

Dave: We KNOW, Mike.

Lisa: And you’re right, Mark Carney is killing us with women. He’s got that calm, “I’ll handle this, babe” energy. Meanwhile, Pierre looks like he’s about to lecture you for spending too much at HomeSense.

Brent: So what do we do?

Megan: …What if Pierre gets a cat?

Brent: What?

Megan: No, hear me out. A cat. He carries a cat everywhere. Women love cats. Instant soft factor.

Lisa: …So, just to clarify, our plan to close a 21-point gender gap is to… turn Pierre into a cat guy?

Megan: Yes.

Dave: No, no—wait—this is genius. Imagine the photos! Pierre holding a tiny kitten. Naming it something folksy. Maybe “Maple” or “Timbit.” Women see that and think, “Aww, he can’t be that bad, he has a cat.”

Brent: This is the most unserious campaign I have ever worked on.

Mike (terrified intern, whispering): …Mark Carney would look good holding a cat.

(They all throw napkins at Mike.)

Lisa: Okay, but realistically. Pierre can’t just start holding a cat. People will think he ate it. We need something else.

Megan: What if we just, like… apologize?

(Silence. Then, laughter. Just pure, exhausted laughter.)

Brent: Megan, that’s the funniest thing anyone’s ever said.

Lisa: Pierre Polievre? Apologizing? Oh, that’s rich.

Megan: Wheezing Okay, okay, fine. What if we just… make him seem more fun?

Dave: Yeah! Like, we get him to do a fun activity. What’s something women love?

Lisa: …Brunch?

Megan: Yoga?

Dave: A wine tour?!

Brent: So you want Pierre Polievre to do yoga and mimosas while carrying a cat.

Megan: YES.

Lisa: Do we even WANT to win at this point?!

Brent: Okay. Final options. Either Pierre does hot yoga with a cat, or we just… give up.

(Silence. They all look at each other. Slowly, they nod in understanding.)

Lisa: …It’s over, isn’t it?

Brent: It’s so over.

Dave: We are COOKED.

(The war room lights flicker one last time. They all exhale in defeat.)

BLACKOUT.

[kevosaicreations]

This is peak Trump—rambling, incoherent, and somehow managing to blame Canada for America’s fentanyl crisis while simultaneously throwing a tantrum about Republicans not being loyal enough to him.

Let’s break it down:

1. The Canada Fentanyl Theory – He’s acting like Canada is the kingpin of the fentanyl trade when literally everyone knows the real source is China and Mexico. But sure, let’s slap tariffs on a drug that’s already illegal. That’ll totally stop smugglers.

2. The GOP Loyalty Test – According to Trump, being a Republican now means blindly obeying him, even when his ideas make no sense. If you have a different opinion, you’re “disloyal” and suffering from “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (classic projection).

3. The Legislative Nonsense – He’s ranting about a Senate bill that won’t pass the House, which he knows won’t pass, but he still needs to publicly berate his own party for not supporting it. It’s like yelling at your team for losing a game that never even happened.

4. John Thune is the New McConnell? – Did Mitch McConnell finally escape the sunken place? Trump is now calling Thune the “hardworking Majority Leader” like he didn’t used to roast him, too. It’s only a matter of time before Thune gets the “RINO” treatment.

5. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! – Every Trump rant ends like a bad infomercial: CALL NOW! ORDER YOUR GOP OBEDIENCE PACKAGE TODAY!

This isn’t leadership—it’s just another episode of The Trump Show, where facts don’t matter, loyalty is everything, and Canada is somehow the villain.